I would like to know how many of BS are involved with a routine visitation schedule with OC.

So many seemed to have gone the way of NO
Contact, . We have established a routine schedule since about Feb. Our schedule is one evening per week (about 3-4 hours) and one weekend day per month. All visits are taking place at our house, with the rare exception that H might take older (4yr old) out to a park or quick dinner.
What I am looking for are success stories of BS who have been able to make this all work.

<small>[ October 18, 2002, 12:32 AM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

No one seems to be on at the moment, so I thought I would tell you something xOM's W said to me when they decided they wanted to be in my daughters life.
She said: I will not let this be our little dirty secret, if we are going to be in that childs life, then we will hold our head up high and do what is best for her. Because she is innocent reguardless of what her H and I did.: <p> She also wanted to make sure I didnt hide the fact as well. She told friends at church who never had a clue.. and then took my daughter to church with them... and things have been pretty good ever since.
My husband loves her as does her bio father and step mother.. I know not all these situations turn out good, but some do.. I cant possibly be the only one.
I think before she bonded with my daughter she told her self she was just going to sit by and watch husband with her and not be a part of it.. but she said the first time she met her.. she changed her mind. It helps that instead of having to think of her as my child, she thinks of her as her husbands child. Now this in time has helped her,
This may not help, just what she told me when we talked. Infact most of our communication goes through her. which is fine with me.
any way no intrusion meant in your thread, just wanted to tell you how she handles things.
god bless and i wish you luck, what ever choice you make.

Tina,<p>I am a part of the visitation of H&#8217;s OC&#8230; Our attorney calls it Parenting Time.
H and exOW have joint custody of Lil Bit, the bulk of that time lies with H.
We have her from 7pm Wednesday nights until 9am Sunday mornings. <p>H filed to legitimate the baby before her birth. The court ordered the DNA the day that exOW went into labor. 2 wks later they had the testing. 3 wks later we got the results and that weekend was the first time we had Lil Bit in our home. ExOW doesn&#8217;t want her anywhere around me. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I hate it for her. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]
H started watching her daily so that exOW could return to work. We saw first hand the shoddy way that exOW took care of Lil Bit. After a couple of weeks of this, H contacted the Department of Children&#8217;s Services. We went through a full month of not seeing Lil Bit, several court appearances and several headaches before the &#8220;Parenting Time&#8221; was established and exOW actually began complying with it. There are 3 charges of contempt of court pending on both exOW and her mother.<p>Lil Bit is almost 10 months old now. I have been involved with her since she was 5 wks old. The referee had specifically asked me if I had a problem with caring for her when H was at work (he works 3rd shift). I said, &#8220;Absolutely not, Your Honor.&#8221; And I have been a major part of this little girl&#8217;s life ever since. If exOW is working, which at this time we really question, then I see our little angel much more than exOW does.
At the last court date, I was holding Lil Bit. ExOW came up and tried to get Lil Bit to come to her. Lil Bit leaned back, deeper into my arms, as exOW was holding out her hands to her. After a couple minutes of this, exOW gave up. When Lil Bit relaxed and leaned forward, exOW snatched her out of my arms. ExOW&#8217;s mother held out her hands and Lil Bit went directly to her. Makes ya wonder doesn&#8217;t it? They said they had to go, so I put out my hands and Lil Bit came right to me. As they walked away, I watched Lil Bit&#8217;s face. It was the same expression I had seen on her face after strangers talked to her in Wal-Mart. But the look on her face when she looks at me is one of recognition and love, and knowing that warms my heart every day.<p>I know that Lil Bit loves me. I know that I love her. She reaches for me, she calls out for me, and she crawls up to me. I am able to comfort her when she cries. She knows that I care about her. She knows she is safe with me. <p>Today is Sunday and I have had to hand her over to exOW. This is the hardest day of the week for me. I hate doing this every week. This is the day that I have most of my problems with H. He doesn&#8217;t understand why this is so hard for me. Sundays are a constant reminder of the A. Lil Bit is &#8220;proof&#8221; of it, but I am able to look past the circumstances of her birth and the physical reminder of exOW. I see the love that Lil Bit has for me. And that is what gets me through each day.
My last thought of the night is of Lil Bit and my first thought in the morning is of her as well. I would call that Love, wouldn&#8217;t you?<p>
This is nowhere near finished, so I guess I can&#8217;t say it&#8217;s a &#8220;Success Story&#8221;, but so far things are going well. Only time will tell if it&#8217;s going to turn sour. And considering the history of exOW, it very well could.<p>Sorry, I have rambled on.<p>I hope this helps. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Tina71.

MOF,
I have been following your story, and I hope to in the future be able to gain some self confidence and do as you XOM's W and not worry about what other people think. It really doesn't matter anyway does it?

We have been working with a counselor for quite some time now, and we still have quite a ways to go.

Thank you both for your words of encouragement.
Tina

<small>[ October 18, 2002, 12:33 AM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

Tina,
I cant imagine the pain you must feel and Your husband must have GOD shining on you both to keep you trying on your marriage,. My mother always say.. God only gives us what we can handle.. I used to doubt that, but not any more.
I can understand how devistating this was to your children, my children were here with me while I was preganant, this was not a nother womans baby, this was our baby. so while my children did not have to get used to a stranger becoming there sister.. They loved her and have grown with her. Much easier for them.
Now her half siblings on the other side, it is a little different for them, they had a hard time telling people at first. first time his daughter wrote me with a positive thought. She said; I told someone I had a sister today and it felt weird.. but not as bad as I thought. She now has her picture up and tells every one this is her sister. But it wasnt her mother that was betrayed .. so maybe that made it easier I dont know. She is sorry she missed any time of her life and wishes her father had come to her sooner.
These women on this board are amazing to me, I wish I had this all those many years ago. I would have made my self a different person and made better choices, but then again, I wouldnt have my sweet baby. My husband and I both consider her a blessing. I think she kept us together.

Tina,<p>Yes, I have support from my friends and part of my family. All of my friends are very supportive. My co-workers are supportive as well, even considering they are all men.<p>My parents are supportive; my sister is on the fence. She is angry with me for staying. She hasn&#8217;t had much of anything to do with Lil Bit. Her son and daughter also love Lil Bit. Christmas is when my family fell in love with her, especially my Dad. He loves kids anyway, but I was so touched by the fact that he accepted Lil Bit as his Granddaughter within seconds of our arrival. He took her away from H when we stepped in the door. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
My Mother was just as taken with her. I cried many happy tears that week.<p>They continually call and email to check in on her.<p>Many of my Aunts on my mother&#8217;s side know about Lil Bit and the circumstances surrounding her, but I don&#8217;t know their feelings about it. I am not sure about some of my cousins and other extended family members either. But, I am grateful for my close-knit family. They are a constant means of support for me.<p> H&#8217;s family is also supportive. My mother-in-law (H&#8217;s stepmother) has not had very much to do with me for the past 7 yrs of our marriage. After Lil Bit came into the picture, she has changed her tune. She emails me almost weekly and she wants us to drive up to bring Lil Bit to see them. H&#8217;s Dad is still standoffish. But then that is his nature. H&#8217;s paternal grandmother is also supportive. She doesn&#8217;t get out much, but she will call to check on us from time to time. MIL keeps her informed of everything and prints out pics from our websites for her to see Lil Bit growing up.
H&#8217;s mother passed away in &#8217;90. I wish I&#8217;d had the chance to meet her. But that was not to be.
All in all&#8230; his family is upset by the A and they are very happy I am still here.<p>As for children at home&#8230;
No, we don&#8217;t have any children together. H has a son from his first marriage. He is 17 now. He found out about exOW before I did. He was furious. He also found out about the baby and that made it worse. I don&#8217;t know exactly when he found out, but I believe it was during our separation. I don&#8217;t know if he would have told me or not.
We didn&#8217;t see him for months. When we finally did see him, was the first weekend we had Lil Bit. He didn&#8217;t take to her at first. The anger over the A still showed on his face. I believe that when he saw how I was handling the situation, was the moment that he changed his mind. He held out his hands and took the small 5 wk old baby and rested her on his bare chest and the two of them fell asleep on the floor. It is a picture that I wish I had taken. Their ears are the same shape, their eyes the same shade of blue. What a beautiful picture it would have made. But it makes a beautiful memory as it is.<p>I miscarried about a year prior to the beginning of the A. It placed me in a depression that I had a hard time coming out of. I believe that the lack of knowing how to help me and how to help himself deal with the m/c is what led H to have the A. I then m/c&#8217;d again, after finding out about A. And, last weekend, I m/c&#8217;d again. This miscarriage has brought my Dr to a new prognosis. They suspect I may have PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome. I will be undergoing several tests to determine if I do have it. It cannot be cured. But it can be treated.
We are hoping that we will soon have a child of our own, other than Lil Bit. I want a child that I don&#8217;t have to fight in court over. I want a child that does not leave me every Sunday morning. I pray that this m/c will be the last. <p>As MOF said, &#8220;God only gives us what we can handle.&#8221; I totally agree. Many things are placed into our lives that we feel we CANNOT handle. And alone, that may seem to be true. BUT, we must learn to lean on Him, and that is where we learn that we can handle anything, through Christ.
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."<p>Keep trying Tina.<p>[ May 05, 2002: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</p>

"Our" Ow moved to another state at 5 mo. preg. and only just moved back 3 weeks ago. The baby is 8 mo. old now. We have not gone the legal route, our CS was worked out privately w/ Ow and the DNA proved my H is the father. <p>OW reunited w/ her H and I imagined the day-to- day care would be theirs. The major decisions in the childs life would be theirs. We would NOT have joint-custody, only visitation a few times a year. I got use to that scene.<p>Now OW is here,(Of all the places she could live, she came back HERE!!) She and her H are filing for divorce. I am a nervous wreck. My H saw OW and OC twice since her return w/out my knowledge. (I havnt seen her yet.) This goes against the agreement H and I had that I would be a part of all things w/ OC. I wanted to bond w/ her so I could get those mommy feelings for her. I have tried to be nice to OW so she will feel comfortabel dealing w/ me -vs- H. She has NEVER dealt w/ me yet. Always goes behind my back to H, and he lets her.<p>Due to my extreme frustration w/ this turn of events, my H has moved out and we are in Plan B.
I am confused as to how much interaction I want w/ Oc.<p>I love children very much, OC looks just like H, not OW at all. She resembles my daughter very much, so it will be easy to look at her and like her. In my mind, I would like a Brady Bunch experience, where we can step-parent this child in a friendly way, picking her up as much as we can, and really incorporating her into our life. I even imagined reaching a comfort level w/ OW @ the whole thing, but OW has made it clear she doesnt want to deal w/ me. If she continues to insist on involvement w/ H for visitation I dont think I can handle that. The other day H said he thinks I am being unrealistic about "no contact" w/ OW because they'll have to make decisions about schooling, religion, etc...This stunned me. It was never a part of the plan to be that involved w/ raising OC. Im having to rethink everything AGAIN. Im going to counseling on Tues to try to figure out what I CAN live with. It's a hard decision for all of us. Such a life altering decision, for us, H's and OC.<p>Im like you, scared of how I will deal in public. Most of our friends know of this whole mess, and many of our acquaintences know of the affair, but not the baby. I wonder too what I might say when asked who she is. <p>The other day some new person asked us how many children we had. I looked at H and he responded, "2." ...our son and daughter...he didnt count OC...wonder why?....Guess he doesnt know what to say either.<p>I guess I have it in my mind that I'll just say shes my step daughter and leave it at that for them to do the math if they know I've been married to the same man for 24 years! I thought I might say "shes the daughter of a friend, and I have her for the weekend." But I dont really want to refer to OW as MY friend! Once the child can understand and talk, how does that effect how you refer to OC? Its all so complicated.<p>Best wishes to you in figuring things out. When you do, let me know, I can use all the help I can get!

<p>[ June 26, 2002: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</p>