When the affair is over and you have learned to deal with all that is involved..has every one here continued practicing Love bank and other concepts.
My biggest problem with husband is he is never affectionate and thinks this stuff is silly.
He also never helps with any thing and thinks he was put here to be served.. not my deal of fun. lol any clues as to how to get him to respond as well would be helpful.

Mo5,<p>Is your H willing to read? Has he seen "His Needs Her Needs" or the great quizzes from this site? <p>When I hear things like your post, I am so grateful my H is willing to work on things. It is obvious to both of us that anytime something as horrible as Affair and OtherChild happens in a marriage, we have to be willing to swallow our pride, egos, whatever it takes, to work on the ISSUES in the marriage!! Those who don't are doomed to more problems.<p>If you H isn't willing to read, you might try some techniques from the book "Hidden Keys of a Loving Lasting Marriage" by Gary Smalley, like "salting" conversations. It's actually 2 previous books combined into one (one for husbands, one for wives). He gives wives some ideas of how to get points across effectively to the H. We were hoping this book would be helpful for us, but, as my H puts it "this book is for Neanderthals" (meaning guys like your H who DON'T GET IT!).<p>From the book:
Eight Ways Husbands Hurt Their Wives:
-frequently criticizes.
-doesn't pay attention to your words and ideas.
-doesn't assume enough of the household responsibilities.
-[wife's] needs and desires always secondary to his activities.
-tries to explain your hurts instead of just... empathize with you.
-acts as if he's superior and you're inferior.
-shows preference to others over you.
-doesn't go out of his way to add romance to your relationship.<p>The author gives ideas for dealing with these. Maybe I should just send you our copy!<p>Sincere Good Luck!
J
in recovery 3+ years and happy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

hey that little list just described my husband.. These problems existed long before I had an A. He is this way and has been for seventeen years, But I always hope for more.

He has read lots from this site.. then laughs at me for reading it. He is not the type of person who ever thinks he has any problems, it is always someone else.
Every once in a while he will try and do something nice, then make a joke about the love bank.But most times he thinks it is silly. I will find that book and read it. Thank you.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mom of five:
<strong>he will try and do something nice, then make a joke about the love bank.But most times he thinks it is silly. I will find that book and read it. Thank you.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yeah. They always laugh until they are hit with Plan B and are suddenly living alone..then they are inspired to read, get involved in counseling and work on the marriage learning to meet some of our needs.<p>Plan B is really, really drastic and is not used until one can go no further in the marriage. In the menatime, all you can do is work on you. It sounds like your husband is the typical man who is afraid of or embarrassed to express his deepest thoughts/feelings. The only way he can cope with his discomfort is with ridcule. I know you dpn't take it personally. You don't have to like his way, but at least you'll know it really isn't you he is making fun of...he just doesn't know any other way.

i dont know... he doesnt have trouble expressing him self to other women or other people.. he is the most friendly guy you would ever want to mee.. till he is home.

From what you said about your H reading MB concepts, I gather that you may have already shared this Q&A with him, but in case you have not:<p>Taken from Dr.Harley's article on How to Meet the Need for Affection #1<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>
...Whenever I counsel a man who is not very affectionate, I give him a list of things to do every day (I usually make up the list with his wife who tells me what to include). He must do each of them and check them off the list as he does it.

1. Hug and kiss your wife and tell her you love her every morning while you're still in bed. Rub her back for a few minutes before you get up.
2. Tell her that you love her while you are having breakfast together.
3. Kiss her and tell her you love her before you leave for work.
4. Call her during the day to ask how she is doing and that you love her.
5. After work, call her before you leave to tell her when you will be home, and tell her you love her.
6. Buy her flowers on the way home at least once a week, with a card that tells her you love her.
7. When you arrive home from work, give her a big hug and kiss and spend a few minutes talking to her about how her day went. Don't do anything else before you have given her your undivided attention.
8. Tell her that you love her as you are having dinner together.
9. Help her clear off the table and wash and dry the dishes with her, giving her a hug and kiss at least once, and tell her that you love her.
10. Hug and kiss her and tell her you love her in bed before you both go to sleep.

As the weeks go by, I have the wives review the list to be certain there isn't anything in it that they object to, or that should be added.<p>Wives will often complain that it's not real affection because it doesn't come from the heart. If their husbands have to be told what to do, they're not really being affectionate. But this exercise in affection is not fake. It is real. Their husbands really do love them and whenever they express that love, it is real. The problem is that they have not learned to express how they really feel. This exercise simply teaches them how to show their wives the affection that they've felt all along....</strong><hr></blockquote><p>[ May 06, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Jenny,<p>Would you mind adding the ways that wives hurt husbands?<p>Wish my husband would read that book. He is great about issuing commands and criticisms from his throne (the couch, not the toilet). [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] He actually caught himself at it this morning. He said "Boy, I'm pretty good at tell you what to do, aren't I?" I said "Yeah you have a real talent for it, but it doesn't help build warm feelings on my part." Truthful, non-LBing, but information that he needs to hear.<p>MJ