Cmiranda... I hope you have not changed your mind about fixing your marriage. We dont all have to agree with each other to make things work. I do understand your problem as I am sure many here do.
I hope you are still praying about how to tell your husband and child, so that you can live life with out secrets and a lot less to worry about.. It will make you happy in the end.
Hard work never hurt any one. I know you can do it.

bump^<p>I second that!!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by mom of five:<p>Thanks for thinking of me Momof5. I wanted to start a new thread or post but I still can't figure out how to do it. I would really like to hear from people like you, WS or OW who have had to tell a spouse about OC. How and what do you say? I have been thinking about how I'll do it, alone or with mc. And what I'll ever say to make him understand even just a little without sounding like I'm making excuses or blaming or defending myself or ex-OM.
I want to be happy in the end of this but not at the expense of my husband and son. I wonder if there is a right way to do this?<p>That is the other thing I should tell you. OM still calls me from time to time. I returned his call last week because I wanted to tell him what I wanted to do and that he should be aware that I still want my husband to be my son's father and I'm not telling my H to end my marriage or try and bring him into my son's life. I explained that I was doing it to save my marriage and went into alitle bit about what people here say and how it would be in the long run for the better and rebuilding should be based on honesty. I do agree that in the long run, I feel I'd be happier telling the truth than lying for a lifetime. I told him that if then my husband wants to stay with me and our son, it was his choice. ex-OM at first thought I went off the deep end but he later called me back and said that he can't tell me not to do what I think will make me happy and if I want marriage to be better, then he won't try and convince me otherwise.
Here is the part I am not sure about. I don't mean to go on and on about my ex- but I think it's important to mention some of the history.
We worked together for many years; the company that we worked at is/was directly affected by the terrorist attacks on Sept 11th. It is consolidating and closing certain locations. I have since left and I'm working away from OM. He is still there and this month will be his final days with that company. He will be jobless and although he will receive a generous severence, his life is in utter turmoil. His wife doesn't work and he has 2 young children.<p>All that said, after he called back he said that he only asks that I do not tell my husband right now, not until he finds a new job. He said that he didn't expect it to be long, as I said I wouldn't wait all summer for example, because I have worked up to this point and I do not want to back down for too long. He agreed and I told him I'd think about it. He said that too many big changes in your life all at once create too much stress and now is going to be losing his job and I just started a new job. He thinks I should let the dust settle first for us both.
What do you all think? I don't think I'm in a position of putting the needs of my ex-OM over my marriage. I care for him but I don't feel the same way anymore about him and I do want to fix my marriage. However, I am not a heartless person and I realize OM family depend completely on him. I don't want to be responsible for wrecking my own family, let alone another family too. My husband and I are fairly secure financially and I feel very fortunate for that. OM will be jobless and home full time with his wife. Am I wrong to agree to wait?

CM:<p>YES! YOU ARE *WRONG* TO AGREE TO WAIT!!<p>You said before, if I'm not mistaken, that OM doesn't want your child in his life. If this is the case, then a clean break is possible, and will be the best thing for your M and your child's future.<p>You should STOP talking to OM whatsoever FOREVER. You owe him nothing. I have no idea what waiting to tell your husband until OM gets a new job will do for anybody. Except to show your H, when you DO finally tell him, that OM's feelings were more important to you than your H's, even AFTER you'd ended your A with OM. <p>Don't wait. Don't do ANYTHING based on your concerns for OM's feelings or what he may have you believe will happen to his family. They're his responsibility. He's ignored them far too long already. <p>DO get the best C you can possibly find. Consider getting advice from one of the Harleys, particularly because you're "working with" MB principles (if I'm not mistaken), and they're the most knowledgable about them. Your situation probably does require the utmost caution in telling your H about the A and your child, so make sure you have the circumstances in which you tell him under careful control by a good C. The OM is ill-equipped to give you ANY advice or make requests about how/when you tell your H. STOP talking to him!! (and, in fact, just email him one of the standard "no contact" letters and insist he never contact you again). Change your phone number!!<p>Take care CM. You're worth it. So is your H and Child. OM is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

cmiranda.. I will write you later, but am in the middle of mommy stuff. <p> just let me say... if we always wait for the right time... it will never come<p>
also... he will do what ever he needs to do to take care of him.. when ***** hits the fan it will be a one for all and you owe it to your husband not OM. He will not protect you when his wife finds out.
hang in there and if you want i will give you my email, if you would like to know more.
talk later

CMiranda,<p>My suggestion on how to break this news to your husband would be for you to first start the MB phone counseling with either Steve or Jenn (I personally think that Steve may have more experience in this particular area, even tho he is Jenn's "little" brother). I'm sure that Steve (or Jenn) would go over a plan for your marriage---that would include your telling your husband this news. I know that they would be available for your husband to talk to AFTER you break the news, if he isn't already in sessions with you.<p>I wouldn't give the OM's situation any concern, because you're NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN CONTACT WITH HIM. If your husband will have learned about the POJA, then he won't go running off doing ANYTHING without an enthusiastic agreement in place. I can't actually see your husband wanting to confront the OM or trying to sabotage his marriage after he finds out and settles down---I think most of his effort will be focused on his feeling for the marriage and to protect this child.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>you're NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN CONTACT WITH HIM.<hr></blockquote>
CM, listen to the wise words written here please.<p>After you DO tell your H, a sure fire way to have him let go of any trust is to know you call or talk w/OM.<p>If you feel the need, don't, just come here and ask for help.<p>I pray you call the Harleys for advice and follow it.<p>I hope you do it soon.<p>I wish you well.<p>Debi

cmiranda <p> You are still emotionally attatched to OM, That is the biggest problem. You cant let him do this to you.. He may care about you and he may not.. but the fact is he is trying to protect him self at the moment. NOT YOU.

He will find a new reason every single time you try. Just because you tell your husband does not mean your husband will tell OM's wife. So stop worrying about OM and worry about your self and your marriage.
Your husband may not find out till your son is 40 years old, but one day he will find out and you will have decieved him longer and the pain will be greater . SO If you want to make this as painless as possible you should do it now. Before a whole lifetime passes you by and you risk losing not only your husband but an angry child as well.
Many people have no contact with the OC , so you and your husband could probably continue to raise this baby as yours. And not have interference from him.

Since you and this man have this BIG SECRET .. it will always draw you together. But I think you and he know that.
Do you know when you try to break away from someone who you have been so close to for so long, it is so hard to stop. Here it is called FOG Now it makes all the sense in the world. Two years ago I didnt see it. He had me convinced every thing was for him and Husband did not matter. I believed him.
When you stop, it gets easier and easier to stay away. Those feelings change. We grow up! <p> Every ones advice about counseling is a good idea, a proffesional could help you learn to do this and help your husband through this trying time. Check with your insurance.. some pay all of counseling cost. If you can afford it we have all heard how great steve and jen are from this site.
Right now you dont feel secure and your terrified of H's , friends and families reaction. But in time that too will pass. <p> I thought my husband would leave the day I found out I was pregnant, he was with me and I told him what the dr. said. WE just sat numbed for a long time, then we went home and cried, then yelled , then cried, this must have gone on for a month.
He didnt leave and we are all still here. <p> It doesnt always end up bad.. We still have work to do on our marriage, but we will get there.


YOU CAN DO THIS I KNOW YOU CAN [

CM,<p>I too was glad to see this new thread directed to you. I haven't had a whole lot of time to be on the boards and posting these past couple weeks! I have been meaning to do the same. To see what you had decided or done this past week.<p>I am glad to hear that you still want to tell your H, and agree that you should have a "game plan" when you do. My story is slightly similar to Mof5, in that Sailorman found out the same day I did, but with a home test. We never told xOM, mainly because we didn't ever want xOM in our lives again! It took my H the whole pregnancy, and the couple days I was in the hospital after Abbi was born before he "came to terms" with the whole situation. He now loves Abbi as if she were his bio-child.<p>I agree with everyone else who say that you are wrong for waiting just because xOM says it will be easier for him! The first thing that came to my mind was that this is the first excuse xOM could give you to keep the truth from coming out! When he does get a job, it is going to be something else, and so on and so forth! You need to stop playing xOM's games(whether you are meaning to or not), and get on with repairing this damage, and letting your H in on the true story! It is the least you could do to show your H how much you do love him. I know, he may not see it that way at first, but if you both truly love each other, the damage can be repaired. Think of it as a house that caught fire. Even ones that have burnt to the ground have been rebuilt from the ground up! You may end up starting from the ground, but if you do, you can improve your foundation, and end up with a much safer, stronger marriage!<p>Oh, and one more thing, STOP ANY AND ALL CONTACT W/XOM!!!!!!! I know that you have "heard" that many times, but it is one of the most important aspects of rebuilding your M! You have decided to stay in your respective M's, so now leave him to his own devices! You also need to stop thinking of him as a friend, too! He can't be that! Sorry, it just doesn't work that way in situations like this! I'm not trying to be harsh, just trying to nip some responses in the bud if I can.<p>Hope I helped in some way.<p>Tigger<p>PS To start a new topic, just click on the "Post New Topic" above the list of threads, and it's pretty much the same as a reply.

cmiranda
Tigger is right in everything she says. <p>You cant be his friend and your marriage has to be more important than his friendship. <p>I see Xom on a regular basis because we share a child and he is an active part of her life. I do not do anything with out telling my husband first. When he brings something up with me or ask something.. I say I will discuss it with my husband and get back to you.
We dont fight or argue, but we are not buddies nor do I want to be. We are friendly to each other because of my daughter. iF WE HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF SOMETHING WE MEET IN PUBLIC PLACES.
If I want to let them know something I usually just address his wife, she will let him know.
This is not what most have chosen here, and it was not chosen to benefit him or me. This was done for my daughter.
I have days where I think, gee wish I didnt have to share her or I wish they would move away. But for the most part it works out ok.
My husband agreed they shuld be involved because he didnt want D finding out fifteen years from now he was not her bio father. He didnt want to lie anymore. It is harder for him, he usually does not like to see her go, but he hugs her and kisses her and plays like crazy when she comes back.
Many ways to work this out, just take a deep breath and think of the best way for your family.
But start with your husband first. He may suprise you. <p>By the way shock will be his first reaction then anger.. but it passes.

mo5, why are you meeting OM without your H present? The day I witnessed my H meeting OW without me, would be a cold day in hell. You should not ever have contact with OM without your H present. Sorry, I just don't agree with you. <p>I feel you should have NO contact. Are you trying to torture your H?<p>ember

well ember,
Thats a really good question, since we all think no contact is best. <p> I want my husband to go and show a united couple so to speak, but H chooses not to do that. Most days they come to my home to get my daughter and husband or children are here and his wife comes with him.
However I can not have no contact and raise a child with this man in the manner we want to raise her.
No I am not torturing my husband... My husband thinks asking him to always have to talk to this man is torture, so even though he is invited he says no. And thinks I am being hurtful if I push it. He also agrees that D should have a relationship with OM. so I guess he is torn between all this.
I wouldnt say we have had to meet alone but once or twice, but certainly not with out his wife knowing or my husband knowing. To discuss child support or what ever.
I never said our situation was perfect, but it has been two years since the A. and we have all grown tremendously.
I am sorry you dont approve, but this is best for my daughter, she will continue to have both families love her and I refuse to be a *** to this family because these people will have my baby with them. I dont want it to be stressed for her and will not allow that to happen.
Also you dont know my husband and would have to know and understand everything he has put me through.. he does not think me having to take D to some mall parking lot to let her go is that big of a deal. I go an I am back in a few min, done.. it is over.
We women are more emotional than most men, certainly I would never allow him to go on his own.. that is why I ask him to please go with me each time. Sometimes he wants to go.. just depends on the day.
I can not allow a third party to hand over my daughter.. I will not raise her with all that garbage behind it. I want her to be strong and healthy and loved. Same for all my children.
It isnt a secret any more.. I dont have to sneak to raise my daughter. I never said this would work for every one , this is just the way my life turned out.
I love my husband and we have many issues to work on, long before this happened.. and we will continue to work and have learned alot from this.
But I have a responsibility to this child as well.. I cant walk away from my daughter it is not as easy as it may be for some of the men. and OM decided he didnt want to walk away.. so I can either make this as easy for all of us or I can be a real pain in the butt about it.. but what would that solve?<p> If I was a woman who wasnt married and got pregnant and made the BS's life miserable and threw fits over visitation and took you for ever penny i could, and was a royal pain.. then I would be bashed for being so cruel when the BS is so hurt. So why is it not good for someone who can work it out with out all that garbage for the children a good thing?
I can tell you this if I had been lucky enough that this man wanted to walk away and never look back.. I would be thrilled, and would have happily done the same. But it just didnt happen that way.
We have also had alot more time to deal with this than alot of people here.
I hope this helps explain some, but thank you for your concern. Maybe I will show husband and he will agree with you. Then I will get what I want.

one more thing... these are just thoughts and feelings I have please dont any one take offense.. I am just using examples in my letter to ember. Lets not turn this into a dreaded argument on who is right and who is wrong, this is a thread to help cmiranda deal with her situation.
God bless and good night

Mo5, why didn't your H just adopt OC, never to have contact? I don't understand. Are you after CS? Is it worth it?<p>ember

ember I am not sure why you think attacking me is helping you.. but I think it is not needed.
Now let me explain something since you are speaking before you have read any thing. <p> WHY is this man involved? Because he is he is her birth father and he wants to be in her life and my husband and I agreed that she should know the truth. Because my husband did not want to live a lie . <p> I think this is sad you think this is about money... IF I wanted money I would have drug him in to court a month after I had her.. I didnt ask for child support.. neither did my husband.. OM and his wife decided they wanted to help. It is not what the court would order, much less. but we didnt really care. I put half in savings for her and the rest I buy diapers and stuff for my daughter, She lives with me this way they feel they are doing there part. <p>IS IT WORTH IT!?<p>YES it is all worth it. Something bad turned into something good. My children are happy and my Daughter has the love of both families. She doesnt live her life surrounded by arguing and hate and ugliness. She gets 4 parents who think she is the greatest thing around. What could be better. My daughter will grow up and know that we loved her enough to make this work. That she matters.
MAYBE this isnt right for every one and I respect that decision, I agree this would not work in every case.
Ember You seem to have a problem with me, I am sorry for that. I wish you the best in your situation. I hope you fnd what works for you so you can be happy.

Momof5,<p>I am just checking posts this morning. Before I respond to the ones directed to me from you and the others, I just wanted to say that for anyone reading this thread, Momof5, like many of us former WS and OW, and in her case, BS, are here because we want to rebuild our marriages and ourselves. <p>We all don't live with the same circumstances or life experience or feelings. We take the MB principals that work for us and try and work them in our daily lives as best as we can. Sometimes we succeed and other times, we faulter. I sure have. We are all at different stages of recovery. I believe that the very fact that we are here is indicative that we're on the same path to living our best lives. Can't we agree to disagree? I've learned the hard way that trying to make other people agree with you or see you perspective or even to just understand, isn't always possible. I've learned to live with that and it's okay.<p>I am very partial to Momof5. She has taken the lemons of her life so to speak and she along with her own and OM's families have all made the sweetest lemonade from it. I applaud you Momof5.

Good Morning CM,<p> Glad your still around. Thanks for the vote of confidence. <p> I was wondering if you had sought out a couselor yet or thought about it. I think that would be so great.. I know I wish we had had a counselor at the time I found out I was preganant. We could have used one, seems we were both in the middle of affairs at the same time... I always wondered why he was so agreeable.
I have counseling alone, but husband says he has no problems and he doesnt want to go. It is silly, but I think it is a great idea. I have to work now, so I better go.. but do think of counseling to help you through such a difficult time. I will continue to pray that God will give you the strenghth to do what you need to do.

2Long,
Thanks for your thoughts. I am torn between moving ahead with my life and feeling a strong sense that I'm leaving ex-OM in a bind when he is at a very low point in his life. It feels wrong. I'm not looking to start A again, I just feel very, very sad for my old friend. He helped me through the roughest times in my life and in friendship, I feel wrong to abandon him and do something that may hurt him even more. I don't know how to move forward and I'm stuck here right now. Of doing nothing...<p>He hasn't had any role in my son's life, other than pictures and some secret visits or I've brought my son into office and we've taken him to lunch. But I've stopped those because my son is now of an age where that would be too confusing and strange. OM agreed to my decision of raising child with my husband and hasn't done much other than talk about the alternatives. I do see this after reading the responses here, as protecting himself. My eyes aren't completely closed to him but still, I know how it feels to be so self centered, I chose to stay with my husband and lie to him, to meet my own desires. That was pretty selfish too.
I agree with you and Momof5, I should use his lack of involvment as my clean break. I guess my idea of a clean break didn't mean not ever speaking to him again. That is hard to swallow. I know that if/when all of this comes out and my husband knows, contact will only hurt him and I sure don't want to do anymore of that.
OM wants me wait until he has a new job & his life is not upside down because he feels that once my husband knows, the potential is there for him to walk away from me and child. While I don't think he will walk away from child and pray not me either, OM said that if he does that, then he feels he will have to tell his wife about child because then he can not remain out of child's life. He said that as long as my husband is active in my son's life, OM will remain out of picture. I'm sorry that I didn't explain that. I see that as a good faith attempt to try to do what is best even if it is self serving. Does that make any sense?<p>My husband and family are first, finally, in my life. That is why I am contemplating telling him all this. Not OM. But he still is on my "list" of people that I care for. How do I change that? I don't know how to do it and I feel that part of me is resisting cutting him out of my life compeltely. <p>I felt so sad when I read your recommendation of the no contact letter. I know what that means. Just cut him out of my life and end 6 years on a bad note. It feels like a death just thinking about it. Not because I don't love my husband. Just that OM was a big part of my life for quite some time. Can you tell me what to say in this letter? Is the letter soppose to be done after H is told? Is it mean and cold?<p>I know you're right, om isn't my problem. My head says it but my heart fumbles with those words. I feel responsible because he didn't have an A alone. I contributed to the mess our lives have become. I feel obligated if for nothing else out of friendship. I don't want to kick him when he is down. Maybe I'm just what they call a sap. <p>Will my H see me in any better light if I create a bad feelings with OM?

Miranda, your letter points out a lot of red flags to me. In your above post, you are constantly worried how telling your H will affect OM. Over and over and over. Have you ever stopped and wonder what it will be like for your H if you tell him the truth?Start worrying about that. You have your problems from your part of the A, and so too does your OM. He has to be responsible for his part, you should worry about your family and husband. <p>Trust me, when I found out my H was having secret contacts with OW to see OC, it was like betrayal all over again. Because the lying to get what he wanted was still going on. That is what you are doing still to your H.
Think about it.Which man do you really want and which one should you really protect and save from further lies?

Only you can decide.

CM,<p>I think you need to consider one thing. He has a W to take care of him, she has been there all along as has his children. He needs to be left alone to deal with his marriage, his family, his life.<p>The point I think people are trying to make is that the NO CONTACT letter is not a "bad" way to end things, it is the humane way to end things. In the long run it causes much less pain. <p>Your focus should be on your job ahead, and I don't envy you one bit. I am sure it is easier to think about the OM and his issues than it is to address your H and the issues of your marriage and this poor child.<p>CM from your OM's perspective there is NEVER going to be a good time to tell your H about this child and your affair. It is never never going to the right time.<p>From you perspective there is never going to be a good time to tell your H. BUT, in this situation things will just get worse and worse as time goes on and the deception becomes even more entrenched.<p>CM listen to these ladies and definitely listen to Momof5.<p>There is no good time to do this, but as time passes it will become worse.<p>I know you are thinking about this,but don't delay too much longer.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>
PS: CM I have an off the wall question for you. Have you considered having children with your H? If you have, then this is something that your H might like to hear when the smoke clears. Just a thought and definitely not something to bring up or do anything about. Just some random neurons firing in my brain. Don't feel compelled to answer that question.