My husband and I have been married almost three years, and have spent the vast majority of it apart due to the fact that we are both in the military. We got married and a week later my husband went to a military school, and was then reassigned to a different post, but because of bureauocratic problems, we ended up being apart for a year (the anticipated time apart was 6 to 7 months). We finally got stationed together and were together for approximately a year. However, during this time, we spent about 4 months (not consecutively but collectively) apart due to military obligations. After this year together, he was deployed to Iraq, and then 4 months later I was deployed also (but to different part of the country). We have seen each other once for 4 and a half hours in the last year as we have been in Iraq. We have an anticipated 6 months to go, as long as I am not extended (but they have been extending tours of some units for a total of 15-18 months away).
Here is my question. I was deeply in love with my husband when we got married, and I continued to be deeply in love with him until about 6 months ago. Our communications went sour when he deployed and then didn;t call or email me for 36 days. I know that he had the capability to call because every other spouse in his unit that I talked to received several phone calls during this period. He claims that they didn't have any form of communication. He finally called because I sent him an angry letter about 3 weeks into the 36 days that basically told him to call me and let me know that he is ok. He called me, very angry, from Iraq. It hasn't been the same since.
There are a variety of issues that basically revolve around the fact that he doesn't trust me. For the longest time, I was completely indignant, because I felt like I had stood by him faithfully despite all the separation. I felt like he gave me no credit at all for my efforts, especially since I wrote double the letters that he did. Unfortunately, he now has reason (although he doesn't know). I have developed feelings for someone else. The other person is no longer in country but I continue to talk to him by phone.
Here is my question: How do we maintain a marriage despite periods of separation of over a year, with both halves in a combat environment (stressful and traumatic)? How do you work out issues when your only form of communication is email? I know the the honesty policy is inviolate, but I am having trouble believing that I should bring more stress to him when he is fighting for his life. I don't think that is patronizing, I think it is common sense because I have seen enough people around here attempt suicide and one succeed. He has developed panic disorder but is not receiving treatment as they don't have the facilities to treat him. He is in a position of leadership in his unit, and I don't want to jeopardize anyone's safety by distracting him with even more problems. I also do not feel that I am in an emotional position to deal with the ensuing choas that would result from this reve <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> lation. Lastly, he came here once for a few hours by catching a ride on a convoy, which means he could do it again. We are all armed here, and he has a violent streak, although he has never been violent toward me.
I am stuggling to figure out how to have a relationship with someone when I feel like I am interacting with memories, which are slowly washing away and being replaced with the hurtful statements that he makes toward me. For example, I was being sexually harrassed by my boss very badly, and when I finally got the courage to tell my husband, he said that if I didn't act like a whore, my boss wouldn't do that to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I want to fix these issues, and he says he does too, but how do we do it from a combat zone and with email? I am starting to shut down and feel like I don't care at all anymore. Please help.
