Three months ago I found out that my husband was having an affair. After alot of soul searching, and a sabatical to California for a couple of weeks, I decided to try to make this marriage work. Unfortunately before the reconciliation could get off the ground the OW called to say she was pregnant. This has since been verified by my H. We are both devastated. We do not have children yet of our own (we were going to begin to start trying this fall). I am so torn about what to do. My H and I both cry about the thought of not being together. I told a pastor recently that I had never known of a married couple going through a divorce, neither one of them wanting that divorce, but now this child is involved and it is like a cruel joke. I believe in the vows that I said before God nearly 5 years ago and am searching for a way to find it in me to stay in this marriage. My H does not expect me to stay in this marriage because he knows what a terrible mistake he has made and that it is not fair to me to raise this child that was conceived outside of our marriage. I just know that I love my husband and I have always believed in this marriage. I know that he would be willing to go to counseling and do whatever it takes to make this work, but I am so brokenhearted with the thought of OW carrying what I believe is "my child". I love children and would not want to resent this child because of the circumstances it was brought into this world. Please help. I am so desperate for a word from God. I believe that I am being pulled between good and evil and I don't know if I can find the strength to get through this. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I cant give you advice on this.. but there are many here who can.
If you love your husband this much, then I say, find a way to work through it. There are many here who have found a way to do this and I am sure someone will be along soon to help you understand more about this very issue.
Lots of luck.

DazedDawn,<p>I just wanted you to know my heart breaks for you. I can't imagine the pain and ambivalence you are experiencing. Right now the only words I have for you is prayer. I will pray whenever you come to mind, prayers of detail. <p>Hang in there. This is the best site Dawn. Others will be of much more help than I, those more acquainted with your situation than me. Glad you found your way here. <p>I had a prayer included but wasn't certain of its appropriateness being a "newbie" here.

{{{{hugs}}}} Dawn<p>Just wanted you to know you aren't alone and I'm sure some of these amazing women will come along with their words of wisdom and advice.<p>hang in there hon<p>peace!

Dawn,
I was wondering if your H wants contact with OC? Or if your H does not want to be part of OC life? Your feelings are very normal. The marriage can work if that is what you both want. <p>Have your read the material on this site? That is what I would do first.<p>Just because OW says the baby is your H does not mean it is.<p>My H had an A last January it lasted a week. OW says the baby is my H. OC was born in OCtober but when it came time to get the DNA test, she refused and she does not want any CS.<p>I believe the reason she does not want anything from H is because she does not think OC is my H. She had a reputation of sleeping around. She has a boyfriend now that she has know for years but did not start going out until right after she found she was pregnant. And people say the baby looks like him. Yet she still claims the baby is my H but won't get the DNA test done. <p>The last time she contacted my H was in March 2001 to get money to pay some medical bills, once she got the money she stopped calling my H.
I did not know he gave her money. I was furious about this. <p>So, I would say don't give her money until paterity has been proven!<p>There are people here that stayed in the marriage and are truly happy. <p>Dawn

DazedDawn - <p>Up until now, I have been a lurker, but your post inspired me to reply.<p>After 5 years of marriage and constantly reminding my husband of my unmet emotional needs, I left my marriage. I became a WS. Not something I am proud of, but I thought my marriage was over and I left. He began to see someone else as well. Then I became the BS. <p>When I discovered the OW and pregnancy (I found out from a neighbor) my H confessed all. He said he had done the most hurtful thing he could ever do to me and was going to let us be divorced (without me knowing of the OW/OC) so that I would not have to endure all this pain. (And believe me, there is a lot of pain.) We don't have children together, either. And, this OC is a S (who bears our last name, no less). My H feels guilty that the OC is even here and knows how much it took away from me. As I, like others on this BB, feel I am the only one on this earth entitled to have the blessing of his child. <p>I still don't know what I am going to do. It changes from day to day. My marriage is very important to me and I never dreamed I would be in this situation. One day I can live with it and other days I see the benefits of no contact. Then I see the ones who have NC and their H lie and sneak around behind their backs to see the OC. This is something to be weighed carefully.<p>Since this OC was born of an affair, she doesn't know my H very well. In that manner, she does not know how to "push his buttons" (as she could in a divorce situation). So, sometimes I think that makes it easier. Believe me, I have been all over the range of emotions -- hatred, fear, rejection, anger, calm, etc. You name it and I have felt it. <p>Some things I have learned: <p>FEAR - False Evidence Appears Real<p>
I can tell you this -- you have to take care of yourself. Emotionally, physically, and financially. After my D-Day (June, 2001), I lost over 30 pounds. I didn't have 30 pounds to lose!<p>I watched Dr. Phil, read his books, looked for anything to give me some guidance. Then I started going to church. If nothing else, it has finally given me a peace in my life that I was so desperately missing. But it does much more than that for my life.<p>I also go to the gym a lot! That has helped relieve my stress as well.<p>I read this board every day. This board has given a voice to my feelings. Feelings that marriage counselors have condemned me for having. But they are my feelings and I have a right to have them. It also helps to hear of others having those same feelings as well.<p>The Harley's have most of their information available at no charge on the website. However, I bought "Surviving an Affair" and it helped tremendously. It finally provided me with some sort of plan.<p>You are in for a roller coaster ride. Just remember to be true to yourself. We are all here for you. Feel free to vent here anytime. <p>Someone sent me a prayer yesterday, "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it". We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. <p>If nothing else, I will have a great body and a stronger relationship with God when this is all said and done.

I would like to thank all of you who responded to my post. I truly appreciate the thoughts and prayers. I am still so unsure of what to do. Is it easier to walk away and start again or believe in the covenant of marriage and work through the days ahead? PRAY PRAY PRAY is all I can do for now. Again thank you all for your concern. I will be sure to look more extensively into this site and read and learn as much as possible. Love and Hugs to all of you. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by DazedDawn:
<strong>Is it easier to walk away and start again or believe in the covenant of marriage and work through the days ahead? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>In March 1999, two months after D-Day (discovery day), my husband and I attended Retrouvaille, a program for couples in troubled marriages. Retrouvaille (French for "rediscovery") weekends are sponsored by the Catholic Church but anyone of any denomination is welcomed. <p>During our weekend, I asked the officiating priest what obligation we had to the OC. He informed me that neither my husband nor I had any obligation whatsoever to the OC except for financial support. He explained that the marriage comes first and foremost in a couple's relationship and everything else comes after, including all children, family members, friends...everything. He went on to explain that without a solid marriage base, the bedrock of the family unit, there would be no real stability and that is why the Scriptures state over and over again that marriage comes before all else.<p>If the OW makes the decision to keep OC without consulting either you or your husband, the lion's share of the responsibility belongs to her. If she is calling all the shots, the ONLY thing she can expect from your husband is a monthly support payment. Contact is not required and in most cases, discouraged, unless the couple has sufficiently healed from this violation of trust within their marriage and have entered into a Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) to incorporate the OC into their lives. If the OW is reasonable and has the OC's best interests at heart and does nothing to sabotage or interfere with the marriage, then perhaps eventually, the Betrayed Spouse may agree to contact. That call belongs to the Betrayed Spouse and the Wayward Spouse is expected to acquiesce.<p>I also asked the officiating priest at Retrouvaille, "Since my husband and I do not have children together, wouldn't it just be easier to divorce and let him go so we can both start over and maybe he can have a relationship with the child?"<p>He said, "If you think that staying in this marriage is tough, divorce will be much, much harder for both of you to get through. Your husband's only obligation is to you and to your marriage. Whether you have children together or not is unimportant. Your marriage is as blessed in the eyes of God as a marriage with children."<p>The Harley principles include Rules of Honesty and Rules of Protection among others. This also includes the all important Policy of Joint Agreement that the recovering couple must enter into as the first step to healing and recovery of the marriage.<p>After you and your husband have studied the principles and have read everything of Harley's program, you will both better understand how to go about restoring your marraige and make the decisions that will effect the rest of your life.<p>Neither you or your husband should do anything or make any decisions until you have had time to get over the initial shock of what has happened to your marriage. neither you or your husabdn should do anything or make any decisions about OC until the OC is born and paternity (DNA) has been determined. No money should be given to OW as the courts could interpret this as an admission of guilt. The truth is, you really won't know anything for sure until the lab results come back. During the months until that happens, you and your husband must focus on each other, focus on the marriage, get counseling with someone who embraces the MB philosophy, read everything on this site and study the principles and policies and begin to live these principles in your daily life together.<p>Your husband should ahve absolutely NO CONTACT with the OW under any circumstances without your presence. This includes any phone calls. In fact, until the OC is born and paternity is established, there is no reason for contact. These next few months should be a time for you and your husband to go through the stages of recovery.<p>Keep coming here and reading the posts and write your thoughts and feelings here.<p>We're glad you found us. You came to the right place...but, I am sorry you have to be here. I am truly sorry for your terrible, terrible pain and heartache. I know you will find solace here and a lot of support and love from all the others who have been where you are. You will hear a lot of wonderful stories of success, a lot of courageous people with big hearts. You'll read about other people's pain and struggles and solutions they have found to survive this.<p>God bless you and your husband...<p>Catnip =^^=

I have been in touch with a pastor in my area and she has faith that God will turn this around for good. She has given me plenty of books to read to find God's grace in this matter and to better understand how to handle it. I am keeping my fingers crossed for a resolution (whatever that may be). I will take all the advice that catnip has given to make a better decision for the outcome of this whole ordeal. Again I thank all who are concerned and who are on my side. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Just wanted to let all that are concerned know that I don't believe this marriage will be able to withstand this trauma. Yesterday we received our bank statement and 1 month ago he recharged a calling card that he claims he doesn't own. He has this calling card so that his long distance calls (she lives 3 hours away) can not be traced by me. He swears up and down that he hasn't contacted her, but there have been soooo many lies that I just don't recognize him anymore and can't bring myself to believe him. I immediately started to cry because obviously I am praying that this marriage will survive. He says he doesn't understand me because 1 minute I am reading a book on how to survive infidelity and the next minute I am telling him that I hate him for what he has done to us. Like my reactions to all of this are not normal!!!! He started the process of transferring his name to our utilities and looking into turning my cell phone off that is in his name. I AM SOOOOO MAD!!!! How could he do this? Why is this girl carrying my child? This was supposed to be our year. We both turn 30 this year will be married for 5 years and were going to begin to try to have a baby. It's like he did all of this on purpose. He had to do everything he could to hurt me in the worst way. He knows how much I wanted a baby. He made me wait for so damn long and now the year I am to get pregnant some tramp is instead!!! Someone please explain this whole mess to me. I just want to scream!!!! I even had a realitor walk through our house today to get the fair market value so this man I call my husband can buy me out of our home. It took everything in me to not break down in front of this guy. He is going on saying what a beautiful home that we have and I am thinking "I can't believe I have to move out of this home". I am being dragged kicking and screaming out of our home!!! The bad thing is that I don't have a good feeling about how my H life is going to end up when this is all said and done. This girl does drugs and parties and there is no way that this poor child will have a stable life. And I can guarantee that this girl will be the end of my husband. If anyone reads this please continue to pray. Pray especially for my H because he has a long road ahead of him. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

DazedDawn - <p>Again, I am so sorry for your pain. I have walked in your shoes. I have worked hard at the Harley's principles and they have made a huge difference in my attitude and level of calmness in my life. You are lucky to have found this so early into your recovery process. I wish I had!<p>My H gave me every excuse in the book for delaying the birth of our children. Now, I am 34 and someone else has taken that away from me. Now, he feels that he has on obligation to this OC. Excuse me, what about the family we planned to have? Just because she didn't wait for his permission (as I have), doesn't mean she should be able to take that from me. But she has. When this is all said and done, he has a family and I do not.<p>Like Catnip said, maybe I should let him go and he can raise this child with her. But her priest said that was not the case, our marriage should come first.<p>I can tell you that going through the birth of OC was the most difficult thing I have ever done. She wanted him in the delivery room, to cut the cord, and to be the first one to hold his S. Although he avoided her during the pregnancy (so he says), he was there for the delivery. I don't know if I could have children with him because of that. It won't be the first time he has been in the delivery room, seen a sonogram, etc. All special moments reserved for the two of us. Not my H and some stranger.<p>Now, she sends emails asking if he is happy because of what he has done. She has some nerve. How did she think this would all work out? He would live with me and be a family with OW and OC?<p>At first, it was easier because the OC did not look like my H. As I just discovered pictures she sent him, OC looks a lot like my H. She even had the nerve, given the situation, to have blocks in the picture that read, "Daddy's Little Boy". I am sorry, but she did that to be hurtful to me, my H, and most of all OC. How is OC going to feel when he grows up, knowing this situation, and sees that photo? That doesn't sound like someone who puts the interests of her child first, does it?<p>I was honestly making it through this, but tonight, all I want to do is cry. I used to like to watch Friends, but I don't agree with this whole illigitimate story line. It hits too close to home.<p>I wish I had some pearls of wisdom for you. I am speaking from experience. This whole thing makes me sick. I could have tricked him into getting pregnant. But I didn't. It never crossed my mind. And he trusted me not to do that. But now, since she has beaten me to the punch, am I supposed to live the rest of my life without him? Or put up with her antics? I WAS HERE FIRST!<p>What is God trying to tell me here?

prayingforpeace, Your words have truly hit home for me. You are so right when you say that this OW does not love your husband or this child. I have believed that about my situation from the start. I know that my H is in for a world of hurt from this tramp and this poor baby... my heart aches for this child. She will use this child to get what she wants and that is it. This OW already has 1 child and she is capable of leaving that child w/ anyone to drive across the state to a strange motel (my H works as a Boilermaker and travels out of town for some jobs) and sleeps w/ my H!!! How is that love for your child? How is that love for my H?? I know that she is keeping the baby to spite me anyway. And you are right when you ask what is this child going to think when it realizes how and why it was brought into the world. What really makes me sick is that my H met OW when he was out of town on a job and this OW lives 3 hours away from us. Unless my H plans on moving her into our home, when will he really ever see the kid? Not to mention that he works different shifts and usually 6-7 days a week. Does this OW think of that? No, she is only thinking of her child support check and the fact that she is jealous of my life and now has 1 up on me!!! This whole situation is so disgusting!!! I told my H one day that I would never forgive him for giving this child to this OW and that this baby will never know the love that I have been so ready to give it for the last 8 years. I believe in my heart that I am a damn good woman, and I hold on to the fact that my H just threw away the best thing that ever happened to him. This girl is going to take my H through hell (not that he hasn't willingly walked into it) and she will take this baby right along with him. It is so hard to let go of this situation. I have loved and cared for my H for the last 8 years and to just have to let go just like that is devastating to me. I have to try to take my eyes off this marriage and keep them on God. My mother says that she knows that God will get me through this and that there is someone waiting out there for me that will be the H I have always wanted. I have to believe in that, because it's obvious that my H only thinks of himself and in the end he will pay for this and realize what he has done. He will realize it when he sees me happy and with someone who really loves me. I am not trying to sound vengeful, but that is the only thing that is keeping me from going completely nuts!!! I wish I understood, like you, what God was trying to tell me to do. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

DazedDawn,<p>I have not walked in your shoes, so I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling (I am a man). This OC will have an impact on the rest of your life. I can understand you are considering leaving your WH, and that may be the best option to let him be the one that deals with the consequenses.<p>Another option that I have heard others suggest is to put the child up for adoption. Now the OW would have to agree to it, but given the situation, and the fact that she listens to a priest, maybe you could all get a counseling session with someone at the church that could try to mediate this. I think adoption would open up the possibility that your marriage could recover from this without having to be constantly having OW in your lives. Having the OC raised by a single mother, isn't good for the child either. The boy will also suffer being in the middle of this all, and that's also a tragedy.<p>May God bless you and give you peace.

DazedDawn -<p>On one hand you are lucky that she lives so far away and you may have (if you choose) limited contact, but very little chance for running into her. I told my friends in the beginning -- it is not the baby (so much), I can understand that he is an innocent bystander that has a fool for a mother. But, having the OW in our lives forever. You know, the OW may never get what she has done to the W. She usually focuses on how your H messed up her life (and the life of the OC). Doesn't she get that SHE made bad decisions that have an impact of many people's lives? You have to be bigger than she is.<p>Have you read Surviving the Affair yet? If you haven't, you really should. It talks about how affairs are fantasy based, not reality, and most dissipate within 6 months of seeing the light of day. What is unique about our situation is that most of the A was secret. Now because there is an OC involved, it is all supposed to be out in the open and we are all to be one happy family. I think not.<p>I think it is great that your pastor gave you some books to read. If you don't mind, I would like to know the titles of the material. I read anything I can get my hands on.<p>A friend once told me (regarding her divorce), that, "I guess God wanted me to learn a few more things before I got it right." I try to reflect on those words. Maybe I did make a mistake and married the wrong person. Then, the church teaches that marriage is sacred, above all else! It comes before your children and the OW/OC. I don't know what to believe anymore. But the Bible says the only way to get a divorce is in the event of adultry. <p>The OW doesn't think of anyone but herself. She asked my H on many occassions what to do and he told her. She did nothing as he requested. So, why did she even bother asking? I'll tell you why -- just to make life hell for both of us. She even said, "You know I can make your life hell". Well, she did that long ago.<p>I agree with you. You are an awesome person and your husband is throwing away the best thing that ever happened to him. Ever notice, an A is usually with someone that is far below your class? In fact, you can't believe he chose that type of person. In my case, he bred with a tramp who was not worthy of creating a child that carries on his family's bloodline. That makes me sick.<p>When I first found out, I stopped eating and had an upset stomach all the time. My hair always seemed to be dirty. I was washing it twice a day. My friend told me that if you don't get enough protein that will happen. I work out all the time in an effort to relieve stress. Bottom line -- take care of yourself.<p>Your mom is right. Once I gave this situation over to God, my life seemed to be so much easier. As in the Lord's Prayer, "Thy will be done". Not YOUR will, but GOD's will. That is a hard concept to grasp sometimes.<p>Someone on this board has a signature line that says something like, "Life is the hardest teacher -- she gives the test first and the lessons later". I think that is so true for our situations.<p>Go to church, pray, and find a peace in your life. My H and I are wondering if we are missing "signs" that God is setting forth for us. That is quite possible. Perhaps we don't know what to look for. Or even, His message is different and we are not seeing it.<p>In any event, take care of yourself. If you choose to walk away (and quite honestly, it is too soon to know that for sure), you can do so with your head held high.<p>I know that you probably feel this OW has "won". No one seems to get that (least of all my H), but I think the BS in this situation knows that loud and clear. That is why this board is helpful. People can voice their true feelings and not be looked down upon for that. I can remember first reading and saying, "Exactly, AMEN, Finally, Right on!" Up until then, I tried to keep those feelings to myself. And it helps to keep in mind that the OW will get hers in the end. She will be made to pay for the BAD decisions that she has made. <p>You said you feel like you are going nuts. Again, that is where this BB comes in handy. The BS in this situation have all felt the same things. You are not alone. I think that helps to realize that your feelings are completely normal and that others feel the same way.<p>You are headed in the right direction. Keep your eyes on God and ask him to bring some peace into your heart. You might even try some Christian music. Sonic Praise/Sonic Flood, Michael W. Smith, Sara Groves, etc. Something with lyrics that open your heart and help you give it over to God. I wish I has found these tools one year ago. <p>I will be thinking of you.

DazedDawn,
It is through divine intervention you've found us here.
I searched for days trying to find a place like this. I almost gave up and then, PRESTO, MB popped up!<p>I will pray for you. You have a wise Mom. God will get you through.<p>Your prayers will be answered and your pain will diminish.
Come here often and know what you are feeling is something we've all endured. Some still are.<p>love
Debi

Everyone,<p> Thank you all once again for your heartfelt concern. To prayforpeace: the title of the book from my pastor is called Torn Asunder. I am unsure who the author is though. I will check and get back to you on this. You are right when you say that I feel like the OW has won. In fact I told my H that many times. We talked today and I told him that I have read from different books and the like that when an A happens that both spouses have played a role. I know that we have a parent/child relationship. His father left when he was 2 and his mother was an unattentive alcoholic until he was a teenager. He was basically raised by his oldest sister. So he was essentially looking for a caregiver. I on the other hand am an only child with 2 parents that have been married for over 30 years. I wanted to find someone to take care of since my parents spent so much time doing everything to take care of me. In essence I was never able to care for anything because they took care of it all. My H and I were a perfect match. As time went on I became smothering and he wanted too much. It became dysfunctional to say the least. Anyway I told H that I knew that I was smothering and controlling, and H agreed that he didn't put forth much effort of his own. Neither one of us want this divorce. He said that again today, but I don't know if we have it in us to work, I mean really work, at all of this. My H made the remark the other day during an emotional talk that he just wished this would get over with, because it is just too much. This hurt because what I really want to hear is "I will do anything to fight for this marriage, Dawn". He just doesn't believe that I will be able to deal with all of this in the end. I can deal with anything if we would do it together. Anyway, I feel that now that I have filed (even though this is only 3 months old) that I will look like a fool if I put the brakes on everything to work this out. Like people will say "Make up your mind already!!!". I certainly am not trying to drive my family, friends and H crazy, but this certainly isn't just an A we are talking about here. That alone is hard enough to deal with, but to have this new revelation confirmed only 2 weeks ago is simply earth shattering. Again I thank all of you for your prayers and appreciate the stories from the others in my shoes. I pray for peace for all of you and give lots of hugs. Dawn [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

DazedDawn- <p>Thanks for the book title. I can find the author. You have more important things to worry about.<p>Don't worry about how your divorce looks to everyone else. In fact, we filed, postponed and filed again. I know you are trying to protect your image, but the bottom line is that you have to do what is right for you. Your feelings are going to change a lot right now because you are trying to do the right thing for everyone.<p>It sounds to me like you are grieving. Grieving for your marriage and for the future (and children) you dreamed of. During the grieving process, there is something called the "Waves of Grief". It is actually a cool illustration. One day you may be fine and think you have it all under control. You are going along with your decision and, for the moment, it seems like the right thing. The next moment you feel pushed backwards and can't seem to get over the next hurdle. You feel like you have hit a brick wall. You experience these peaks and valleys throughout the process.<p>I heard this theory when my father died. It helped me understand why I could have it all together one day and completely lose it the next. <p>Your friends and family want what is best for you. They will understand that you are bound to bounce back and forth from time to time. It is in times like these that you realize who your friends really are.<p>From what I have read, in a parent-child relationship, you really have to work to bring yourselves to the same level. That is easier said than done. Your H may be looking to you to make all the decisions right now and that is not fair to you, either. On the other hand, if he has always been that way, it is difficult for you to change the rules in the middle of the game.<p>I think you should follow the advice in the book and try to talk to him without Love Busting. Without anger, hurt, judgment, outbursts, etc. and try to see where you both stand. I am not saying by any means that you should stay in this marriage if you don't want to. I look at it like this -- if I stand before God and he asks me if I did everything I could to try to fix things, I could honestly say "yes". But just because you want something so badly, doesn't mean you will get it. <p>Do what is right for you, even though it may not seem real clear right now. Give it over to God and he will lead you in the right direction.

Not having a good day today. Since it is Mother's day and under the circumstances it is a tough day to get through. I wrote my H a long letter last night and tried to explain to him our parent/child relationship and explained a little about my control issues in the relationship. I talked about a few other things also and when I asked him today if any of it made any sense he agreed that it did. That gave me relief to know that what I said got through to him some what.<p>He appears to be stand offish right now and that is bothering me. I want so much for him to hold me and tell me he will make it all better, but I think at the same time he is waiting for me to say let's make this work. We have always had that as a problem in our marriage also. Too afraid to talk and tell the other what we really need. We are both too afraid to put ourselves out there. I told him that I was thinking of going out to Philadelphia for a couple days to visit a cousin of mine and also to see if I might like to live there. But again my mind changes everyday and I never know if I am coming or going. In his eyes of course I am not making any sense and that is frustrating to him, because he says that he wants me to "stay on one side of the road or the other". He wants an answer yesterday and I just want all of this to go away.<p>He also told me that he will probably be going back out of town to work. I told him "In other words I need to get ready to tell you goodbye.". God I am so confused. I want the marriage to work, but on the other hand I just want a normal life!!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If anyone would like to email me directly that is fine also. archer5@juno.com [/QUOTE]

DazedDawn - <p>I understand that today is a difficult day for you. In fact, I have been dreading it for weeks.<p>Since you posted this afternoon, has your day gotten any better at all?<p>You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Spent alot of today crying. I want to tell him so badly that I don't want a divorce, but I really don't know if he has it in him to put me first. I had an appt. the other day with my gyno to find out if something was wrong with me physically because I myself had not gotten pregnant in the last 8 years. I was hoping that my bloodwork would come back with something wrong, but everything is fine. I am more than able to have children. This actually upset me because it got me to thinking that maybe I really am not meant to be with my H and that he is not to be the father of my children. Amazing the thoughts that will clutter your mind after a trauma like this. I just can't say it enough I HATE THIS!!! Prayforpeace tell me how things are going with you. I am tired of talking about myself and my situation right now. Have you decided anything or are you still at the place I am? Take care,
Dawn