I know alot of you are great at finding legal sites or info. I need to know where I can find the rules in regards to child support. We got a letter in the mail today where we can, or of course the ow can request to have the child support reviewed. The child support department wrote that they do this as part of a program. Well if my h and the ow would have been divorced, it would be up to her to request a review. There would be no program for her to ask for more money courtesy of the state taxes.<p>But now the child support department is offering her this service out of the goodness of their hearts. Where can I find out how often they will do this? I mean we are breaking even, moved to be able to pay what they wanted. But I will not be able to pay my bills if she gets more, again. I am so upset and stressed, I have 9 weeks until I am due with our second child, and now I won't have anything for my newborn or my toddler. Please help me out if possible!<p>babstr.

babstr,<p>I'm sorry you're in this spot while expecting the new baby. In NC, the state automatically offers a review every 3 years. You can call the state support agency on the paper (or read the fine print) and find out how often their automatic reviews are offered. If XOW accepts the review, I hope the only changes are in YOUR favor! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Prayers for you and baby,
J<p>Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, pleasing, commendable, excellent and worthy of praise, think about these. -Philippians 4:8 paraphrased

Jenny,<p>Thanks. There is nothing on the paper. I was told that the OW could request a review every 3 years, but they never said anything two years ago about how they would prompt a review. <p>My husband makes more money since the first agreement. The problem was that we were living paycheck to paycheck. Then they asked for the $600. So that meant we couldn't pay our bills. So my husband got a new job, and we moved, and our income went up, just enough to cover the child support. So we didn't gain anything in two years. But they will take his current income, and then we will not have money for our bills again. So we are essentially trapped. I can't seem to get my head above water, and they keep pulling us down to drown us. <p>I was already stressed about paying for the new baby. For just diapers and stuff. I am going to breastfeed for a year again so that we won't have the expense of food to worry about. We are glad that we are having another girl just so I don't have to buy clothes. Now I am wondering if having this baby should have ever happened. Maybe I should have stuck with one child after entering into this nightmare. Thanks for your input. Just when I thought I could heal from this after two years the pain keeps coming back. I just want to be able to go out and buy something for my child, and feel like I don't have to sacrifice for the little things because of this. <p>Sorry I am rambling, starting to lose hope in this ever being a normal life.<p>babstr.<p>[ May 11, 2002: Message edited by: babstr ]</p>

By the way in case anyone can help the state is Illinois.<p>babstr.

Geez, babstr, your post hit home with me. I'm so sorry for your situation. I recently found out from BS that she is 5 months pregnant. She's so afraid. She's had problems with each of her pregnancies and has been unable to carry to term. MM is up for his promotion to Staff Sgt. in June, which means a substantial pay increase for them. But, BS is still stressing about money. Things have been really tight for them, but still they send CS. Not the full amount, but something. I've repeatedly told her to not worry about it at this time, and she politely rebuffs my efforts. Instead of staying home and taking care of herself, she's out trying to find a job. At one point I got so frustrated with her that I flat out told her that no employer was going to want to hire a woman who's 5 months pregnant, so to quit stressing and sit her a$$ down! She won't listen. What bothers me is that I don't know if I'm worried for her out of genuine concern or if it's my own guilt over the predicament that I helped caused. As weird as it sounds, she and I actually get along really well. I truly like her. MM is still doing a double-take over that one. Anyway, I'm rambling. I'll pray that your OW doesn't start seeing dollar signs. <p>OB1

Dear Babstr<p>Well, this sucks. It never ceases to amaze me that these people get so many privileges and so many special considerations like that of a divorced spouse. Being granted the right to call for "reviews" is disgraceful! A small cost of living increase is all any OW should be "entitled" to...<p>When is your child going to be born? Will it be before the review is offered? The added financial responsibility you will incur because of your child should be taken into consideration while the courts determine how much of your money they will redistribute to OW. Perhaps, after all considered and reviewed, they may even reduce her monthly CS. So, in the meantime, try not to worry about all this, calm down and breath deep. Take care of yourself and your baby and pray that justice will be done.<p>I know you have been through so much, especially with the move and other sacrifices you have had to make and the unfairness of this is just too much. How do you feel about having a legal separation or entering into a faux divorce to protect yourself and file for CS yourself? Sometimes this is very successful because you would receive the lion's share of the CS pie and the OW's portion is automatically reduced. It might be worth considering.<p>Love<p>Catnip =^^=

Dear Babstr,<p>Catnip said it best -- this situation truly sucks. There is so much unfairness in this situation. But there are 2 important things to remember, your unborn child must come first right now and just as God provided a way for you to work things out last time, He will provide one again.<p>You might wish to hint to the OW that the review may reduce her payments in view of your new circumstances, if she is the kind who scares easily. That may very well keep her quiet. <p>It is so sad to think about, especially at a time like this, but the faux divorce may be the way to protect yourself and your children if your OW is just plain greedy and uncaring. <p>But please don't think your precious baby girl was a mistake. The OC was the mistake. Your baby will be born with two parents who are waiting for her and will adore her. Concentrate on that for the next three months. <p>Praying for you,
love,
heavenly

Ohbratti, Catnip and Heavenly,<p>Thank you for writing. I am trying to stay positive but the bottom line is, this will happen, and I don't know what I will do. I assume my daughter will not be able to go to preschool this fall, she is going to be four, we put it off last year. I assume I won't be able to get a new stroller which I need or the playpen, which were the only two things I really needed. Plus, I wanted to save the cord blood from this birth, that too is out the window.<p>As far as us being considered it won't happen. See when all of this came out and we coudn't even pay our bills we tried to appeal. But after talks with lawyers they told us the basic attitude is my H should have been thinking about those things before he screwed around. It doesn't matter that the entire incident lasted a whopping 20 minutes, and there was no relationship. Also she will always get her cut before mine, no way around it. Her child is 3 months older than mine, and she filed first she gets priority. So anytime she would go for a increase, she would get hers and they would reduce mine. She gets her 20% first no matter what, and my children would get their 25% after her amount is taken. <p>That is why a separation or divorce doesn't do anything for me, because the oc is a few months older. Doesn't matter that I am married, or that I have two children. the judges in Illinois have an attitude of this is your first responsiblity, the oc because of the age. Because it was a one night stand she didn't even bother to mention it to him until her boyfriend dumped her and she was six months along, by then I was already pregnant. I of course never knew until two years ago, and of course she never wanted support the first two years of the child's life. <p>I figure if she signs the paper, which she will, the review will start in a month, and will be a wonderful present for my due date time. I have only 9 weeks left!!!<p>I still understand that my h has a responsibility. But can anyone tell me how $600 a month is not enough for one child? plus she did this one time before my h, so she has two 20% incomes coming in, she gets an additional $600 from another guy. I don't know about you, but I could milk $600 for my daughter for over six months. She gets it every month. I do not know anybody who budgets 20% of their income for each child, no one could have children. It just isn't realistic. they claim that the child should live like the relationship never ceased, there wasn't a relationship, it was less than an hour. Yes, there is a child, but I am tired of my child, and future child getting the shaft. I wonder if I can work somewhere right after the birth, so much for being the mommy I thought I was going to be, looks like I will have to work and raise my girls on the side.<p>babstr.<p>[ May 12, 2002: Message edited by: babstr ]<p>[ May 12, 2002: Message edited by: babstr ]</p>

Well I spoke to my best friend who spoke to her dad, he works for the child support department. Of course he bias towards the mothers, but I am his daughter's best friend and just had the general questions. Here is the bottom line.<p>1) Public Aid's (child support dept) motto is the protect the rights of the mothers. Thus they do reviews, to make sure that the mothers are getting every bit that they are entitled to.<p>2) they don't care at all about the father, his family, or his circumstances.<p>3) The ow can go in anytime and just say that she "thinks" that the man might be making more money and they will look into it. <p>4) If we want to recover any of the money that she wasn't supposed to get because of paperwork, we would have to hire an attorney travel there and fight for it. <p>So everyone it looks like I will be at the mercy of this nightmare for the next 14 years with no relief and no breath of fresh air. My H has been working hard so that he might get a raise and we would be able to get a newer car, our other one is quite old, and I will have problems fitting both car seats in it. But it looks like because of this we will not have enough for our present bills and no way to get anything for our family. <p>I know my hormones are raging, but I can feel a real depression setting in. I feel so hopeless and that we will never benefit from working hard and trying to move on past this. I am tired of this life, tired of being at the mercy of something I had no choice in. I just want things to be fair, and my children are treated like they are worth nothing, and the oc is the only priority. Whether I am with my h or if not, my children would never be treated fairly. So everyone who goes to bat for the the poor oc, what tax funded government run agency is thinking of my kids. None, because they expect me to care for them. Which is what they should expect from the ow. What a backwards world I live in, that being married, and having children in the marriage is looked upon as a down side.<p>babstr [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 12, 2002: Message edited by: babstr ]</p>

I have lived with the CS nightmare for almost 10 years now. You are so right, it is an endless hopeless cycle. You get hit with the support amount then you start to work overtime or get another job to make up for it, then they "review" you again and jack up the support because you make more!? It's maddening!<p>In my situation, due to the child's mom and I being of different states, she filed in NM but the order was registered and executed in NY (where age 21 is the age of majority) and they took 17% of my gross pay minus FICA. Luckily, my Atty was able to negotiate an allowance for CS I was already paying on my other D in NY from my 1st M, plus, he got them to disallow additional monies for health care, dental care, psychological care and private schooling (They asked for EVERYTHING!). <p>Later, due to both of us moving out of our respective home states (me to CA and her to VT), I was, at one time, getting notifications and demands for payments and back-support from 4 states at once for the same single child and single case! Now THAT was a mess to clear-up! I still have 2 items from NM that still show up on my credit report that amount to almost $19,000!! NM admits that there is no debt and the case is closed but they refuse to clear the balance with the credit agencies! They told me it was my responsibility to challenge the items myself and have them removed! (Funny, but NY, VT and CA had no trouble reporting "account satisfied" to all credit bureaus!)<p>Anyway, it is a living hell. I have seen all the rhetoric about the children and the mothers, blah, blah, blah, but honestly, how much does it really take to assist (and the key word here is "assist") in the monetary support of a child?
I am paying $564/mo for a single child and I don't get to claim her on taxes either!<p>What amazes me is this:<p>Women who file and get the support, whether they be single moms or divorcees, all believe that they full-well deserve the amounts that they are awarded (and some insist that even that is not enough!), but, women who are involved with men that are paying CS all believe that the men they now love that are paying that CS are all getting royally screwed and that the system is so unfair to men.<p>Explain that one to me. I have seen this so many times, consistently, that I have lost count.<p>I am sorry for your pain in this and you are going to really have a hard time not hating and resenting that other woman in your H's life. My current W goes postal whenever the topic of CS comes up. We have 1 year left for support, then another year to clear the backsupport. I can't wait!

Thank you blindsided,<p>I do know what you mean about the difference in the women's attitudes. I have a friend who was married and fought forever to get more child support. She didn't really need it, but she was considerate about his family and their attorney's agreed on the amount not the state. <p>We already pay $600 for the one child. She will get an additional $320 if this review goes through, because neither I nor my H know her we have no gut feeling on her. No relationship, just a one night stand. I do really dislike her already. I feel like she sat on the prowl for two years, and then filed after saying nothing all that time. I felt like if she was fine, she should have left us all alone and moved on. But she felt she wanted to pressure my H into a relationship with the oc, that there should be some contact. He had never seen the child, and her pressuring with papers just reaffirmed it. I actually called her before we moved. She sounded very young in age and mind. Like we could be friends, and didn't understand the big deal, because she didn't see any difference between marriage and having a boyfriend. Like I said before she got another guy before my H when he was intoxicated, and got pregnant. Is that an excuse for my H, no. But I don't like women who just keep having kids under these circumstances. <p>I know their are real feelings and circumstances with alot of OW. But in my case, there is only a one night stand with a woman who likes to have her kids, no involvment with the men, except on the side, and get the money. She never wanted my H, just his sperm sample, and his money. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My H asked me last night how much longer did we have, 14 years of this hell. The saddest part, I sure don't want those years to fly by. I have a child who is almost 4 and there is nothing I would do to have her graduating highschool right now. I just want to do our civic duty pay the $600 and be left alone, but I guess the nightmare has no ending. I just want my family back and the govt, out of it, along with the ow/oc. There will never be contact. My H literally hates both the ow and oc. I have no feelings on the oc either way, just as I would a stranger on the street. Sorry I am rambling.<p>babstr. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

You sound like a very reasonable person and this is a hard situation to be in. I must say first that I think it's right that your H should be financially responsible, not the tax payers whether it was 20 minutes, 20 seconds, or 20 years with OW. We all suffer the consequences of affairs and I have said it often that some of us WS try our best to live up to our responsibilites and try to make things right with all that we've managed to hurt from our affair while others try and dodge living up to making these things right. I'm refering to the BS and in many cases, OC. Maybe that is why there have to be wage garnishments, court hearings, and alot of suffering for everyone all over again.<p>I pay 750.00 for child care alone. Not to mention diapers, food, clothes, and on and on. Children are very expensive, as we all know. It shouldn't matter that the relatinship didn't exist, he still got her pregnant. That is enough of a "relationship" I'd say. The payments are the price you pay for staying with him. I know this can't be easy. But it's a choice that you have.<p>Being a working mother may not have been in your plans, but it can be manageble and your children can be very happy, well socialized, and feel just as loved. I'm not trying to dimish your pain or sound too grandiose, but this is part of the price to be paid to having an affair. Whether your are the BS, WS, OW, OM, whoever, there is a high price we All pay. Its unfortunate, but I guess we have a choice to live with it or not to.

What I don't agree with is I have to pay the price of the payments even if I do leave. Don't say I pay the price because I stayed. My children are left out in the cold whether I stay or leave. I get the left overs after her, how is that fair?? As a WS you claim that all children are equal, well that includes the children of marriage.<p>I have a child and another on the way, so I know how much children cost. Also I was a Research Scientist up until two years ago, so yes I do know how to work. I just didn't want the daycare raising my child. Also my H didn't know anything about a pregnancy or a child until after the kid was born, and then nothing until two years later. She told everyone it was her boyfriend's child. Then when she got dumped she changed her tune. <p>If I hear the you play so you pay one more time I am going to hurl. Once again, I am just supposed to suck up the pain, and the pain of my children because I am with my husband. My husband would have been out of this prison sooner if he had commited a crime. Gee, in this society you can go to prison for only 7 years if you rape someone, can get 7-12 for manslaughter. But you enter into this hell for 18 years. <p>I really just didn't need salt rubbed into my wounds. You are not paying child support, and doesn't understand the pain of living with this. I am here to protect my daughter, and what I hear over and over is, who cares about her. But I am supposed to have a bleeding heart for the oc. I am sure the ow doesn't think of my child, or how she is going to eat, or go to school. No we are only supposed to think of her child. <p>babstr.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I assume I won't be able to get a new stroller which I need or the playpen, which were the only two things I really needed. <hr></blockquote>
Babstr...<p>If you need a stroller, I have a great one from when mini-me was born, complete with infant carrier/seat too....<p>If you are interested, I will ship it to you. Let me know and I'll get my e-mail to you in regards to the particulars...that is if you want it...it's a graco...looks like a four-wheeler!!!! and it's blue/maroon/beige kinda....goes with boy/girl anything...<p>Don't worry if you don't want it, but it's here for you if you do.<p>The thing that pissed me off with all this CS stuff in our case was that Mr."T" supports me, (deaf stay at home mom...my job prospects are kinda limited without a college degree) and my two children from my previous marriage, and our two children together...The courts didn't recognize my two children from my previous marriage (Mr."T" didn't adopt them---yet he claims them on his taxes), and they recognized "Mini-me"...but Bubba, they told Mr."T" was my responsibility...whereas they were supposed to recognize BOTH our children of the marriage, they only recognized ONE...and being that OC is TWO WEEKS older than Mini-me (our first child together) she gets precedent...<p>The laws and courts really don't care...*sigh*, but I hope in your case that it works out for you. In the long run, we settled out of court to keep them from meddling and although we settled for a little bit "higer" amount, it does keep Ex-Ow off our backs. I'm thankful that we feel just a tad "pinch"...it could be worse.<p>I'm praying for you, and I hope you take care of yourself and your precious children. They need Mommy right now...don't let Ex-ow to ruin your enjoyment of your new child...the time passes by so fast!<p>Just let me know about the stroller and I'm praying that this CS situation works out in your favor...<p>Hugs and Prayers,
Twiisty [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

twisty,<p>thanks. I think I have the same stroller that you have. I am wanting to get the double stroller for a toddler and a infant. My daughter loves her Graco stroller with the industrial wheels, so she doesn't want to give up being in a stroller when the baby comes. But thank you for the offer. <p>I am just upset. I always know that the amount can change, I just get tired of my daughter being ignored by everyone. Courts, agencies, and most of all ows. I know you understand that feeling. I think they forget that we are women too, and that we want to look out for our children's best interest also. The bottom line, I am told how much children cost, and thus the justification for the high amount of child support. But shouldn't my child at least get the same amount? No she wouldn't, and I assure you we do not spend $600 a month on our daughter, we wish we could but that is not reasonable. Like I said just not the information you want to hear 9 weeks before you are supposed to give birth. <p>babstr

I didnt know so many of you struggled with the child support issue,
I do recieve child support, but it is not what the state says, we just talked and i decided what i would need, and they do other stuff when they can or want to. I never ask, I know if I go to court, I could get about several hundred more. But what would be the point, I dont need it,and my daughter spends a lot of time with them, so They will need to provide for her when she is there, besides I know if i needed anything, I would just pick up the phone and tell him, I need this and by that afternoon it would be there. So I dont worry about it.
But I can see how all this turmoil about this mess, would make people fight and not want to be involved. I am sorry it is hurting you and your children.
Some people are very selfish and dont see the big picture, if I took this man for every penny i could what would I be doing for my daughter or showing her!?
Does he have a responsibility to her!? of course he does, but not to the exting that his family suffers as well.

babstr
I have double stroller that you can have. It is just sitting in the garage. I will have to clean it up , but it works. <p>Dawn

Dawn,<p>You are so sweet. I talked to my mom today. And she said she bought me a stroller and playpen, she wanted it to be a surprise. But since I was stressing she went ahead a told me. Wanted me to have a little good news today.<p>Momof5,<p>thank you for writing. It is hard to be on the other end. Not the H, and not the ow. I do sometimes think it would be easier to leave. But I do love my H, and it would crush my daughter if I left. I am not thinking that. I truly view myself as a happy ending to a roller coaster of a ride. But when it comes out of left field when you have so much to worry about just having your own family it makes it hard.<p>I am just trying to keep my family on track. And I just don't like being bled dry. We are just in a bad position. Because the cs is so high we basically believe we won't have a home, that realization came two years ago. That was hard to adjust to. So everytime I get another blow it hurts. Once again thanks for writing.<p>babstr.

I am not dealing with the X om caring for young children as he is in his much older and his children are my age . <p> I do understand your concern for your children and God always comes through for us.
AS he did for you this morning through your mother.
I can see you love your husband and I know it must be hard, the courts may not go in favor of this woman, so I would not assume the worst.. some times I stress out and asume the worst and it turns out I was stressing for no reason.
these things make us all crazy at times, try to know that your family and friends will not let your children do with out.
It will work out in the end.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by babstr:
<strong>What I don't agree with is I have to pay the price of the payments even if I do leave. Don't say I pay the price because I stayed. My children are left out in the cold whether I stay or leave. I get the left overs after her, how is that fair?? As a WS you claim that all children are equal, well that includes the children of marriage.<p>I have a child and another on the way, so I know how much children cost. Also I was a Research Scientist up until two years ago, so yes I do know how to work. I just didn't want the daycare raising my child. Also my H didn't know anything about a pregnancy or a child until after the kid was born, and then nothing until two years later. She told everyone it was her boyfriend's child. Then when she got dumped she changed her tune. <p>If I hear the you play so you pay one more time I am going to hurl. Once again, I am just supposed to suck up the pain, and the pain of my children because I am with my husband. My husband would have been out of this prison sooner if he had commited a crime. Gee, in this society you can go to prison for only 7 years if you rape someone, can get 7-12 for manslaughter. But you enter into this hell for 18 years. <p>I really just didn't need salt rubbed into my wounds. You are not paying child support, and doesn't understand the pain of living with this. I am here to protect my daughter, and what I hear over and over is, who cares about her. But I am supposed to have a bleeding heart for the oc. I am sure the ow doesn't think of my child, or how she is going to eat, or go to school. No we are only supposed to think of her child. <p>babstr.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Babstr,<p>You have every reason to be frustrated. I just thought it was important to point out that you have choices, it stinks that you have to pay the payments even if you aren' t with H. I'm not sure I quite understand that one.
Life is tough for alot of us and all we can do is make the best of it. Your right, I'm not paying CS. I spared my OM the child support payments because I thought it was best for my child. My choices may not have been the best at the time, but I live with them and try to make the best of it now. We all can make the best of it as long as we have choices. Thank goodness you have a career to fall back on.