Well, at the half way mark the OW has suffered from a miscarriage. Doc is so consumed with guilt..he had pushed really hard on Friday for them to go to the HR's department and inform them of her pregnancy, only to have her lose the baby later that evening.<p>I dont know what to say to him. On one hand I'm relieved, the other hand no woman should have to bear the pain of this. What do I do to help him thru this?I feel guilt for all of the bad thoughts I've had for this woman and her part in the A.
I dread him going to work and seeing her.
help!!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

What makes people think they are all omnipotent and in control of what clearly is God's call? This is no more Doc's fault than 9/11 was. If the OW miscarried, it had absolutely nothing to do with anything Doc said or did or anything to do with any "evil" thoughts you may have vibed to OW. Try to assuage Doc's MISPLACED guilt (and yours) by reassuring him that God's will is ever present, that the OC wasn't meant to be.<p>This is something I wished for more than anything in January 1999 for myself, as did probably many or most of the BS's here (if they have the courage to admit it) so don't be so hard on yourself.<p>As far as the OW's loss and her pain...it's sad for her. She also gets to have a new beginning with someone else...preferrably a single unattached man.<p>Doc may be feeling his own particular pain, too. He probably got used to the idea of a child and was resigned to caring for this child. I guess in a way I feel sorrier for him and for you that you were both put through all this and now will have a mourning period. But at the same time, I am very happy you will be spared all the other trauma and heartache associated with the emotional and financial struggles. You have a clean slate and an opportunity to move forward without all the messy complications that come with DNA tests, contact versus no contact, no difficult OW calling all the shots or making you feel threatened.<p>Wishing you all a speedy recovery from all this...<p>Catnip =^^=<p>[ May 12, 2002: Message edited by: catnip ]</p>

Dear DG,<p>Catnip is right - miscarriages happen for real reasons, not because of bad thoughts. Doctors say the cell division goes wrong and that is one of the major causes. So, please don't feel guilty.<p>But, on the other hand, as a person who has been through multiple miscarriages and loss of children, this is an extremely emotional time for both Doc and the OW. It is true that Doc may have been having those fuzzy and warm feelings about a baby on the way, even if he was not outwardly showing them.<p>I think the important thing for you to do now is to show him that you are sharing in his grief. Show him that you understand even if this child was not conceived in the best of circumstances that you understand he must have had feelings for that baby and you want to help him through this.<p>There is a real danger that the OW may try to suck him back in through sharing grief with him. So you give him plenty of support at home so that he does not need to get it from her.<p>If he is open-minded, counselling might be a good thing for a while to help you both get over the guilt feelings. In the long run, you will be able to rebuild your marriage stronger and faster without the OC/OW hanging over your heads.<p>Praying for you for both,
love,
heavenly

DocsGirl,
It is not Docs fault about the m/c. I would say over 1/3 of pegnacies end in miscarriage. I had two myself. <p>By the way, do you think OW was even pregnant? Kind of wierd she never showed and when pressed to confirm the pregnacy she had a miscarriage.<p>Dawn

thanks ladies for your replies..<p>TY Catnip and Heavenly..my rational side knows that my ill wishes towards this woman and Docs not being with her were not the cause of this MC.<p>It pains me to see him so torn up over this.And as heavenly pointed out this is their shared grief and that scares me.<p>Dawn,
I've always doubted her pregnancy, there is not one shred of solid evidence other than her word. Her crisis were always on the weekend, never did she miss a single minute of work inspite of her "problem" pregnancy.There were several ultrasounds and not one picture.In my heart I always knew this miscarriage would happen at the point where her pregnancy would start being obvious to every one else.And yes it is funny that she MC on this particular day.
God I hate feeling this way.<p>My dilemma is that Doc fully believed this pregnancy was in fact real. And he's hurting really bad...bad enough to forget his sobriety and lay out in the grass during a rain storm.I don't want to inadvedently LB. I just don't know what to say to him or what to do to make himself feel better.<p>I'm sure she'll be at work tomorrow and be totally grief stricken...I give her that is she was indeed pregnant...but my heart just tells me she wasn't. She wormed her way into his life with her "woe is me " presonality...she's the master of that and he's a "knight in shinging" armor type.<p>sigh....

docsgirl, <p>I am sorry your hurting and this is happening to your family.. My thoughts are if she is or was faking, your husband will soon enough see her for what she really is, given time I think most peoples true colors come through. She will hurt herself in the end.

Plenty of OW lie about being pregnant in order to manipulate the WS & BS... It IS interesting how she disappeared from the radar for a while, like Dawn said... Kind of makes you go "HMMMMM???"<p>At least now your H gets a chance to really prioritize his life by his choice, not because of an OC in the picture pulling him one way or the other.<p>I wonder if he can just go ahead and change jobs now anyway? <p>If OW lied about the pregnancy, it's no surpise... Just too bad your H can't even imagine she would... Maybe in time her true colors will surface. But hopefully your H won't be around to find out!!!<p>This is bad news, but good news at the same time, and for all involved. IF the baby existed, he/she is in heaven with the Lord now.

Docsgirl<p>I'll keep it simple:<p>COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!<p>Sometimes the most wondrous blessings come to us in the midst of great tragedy!<p>Enjoy your life together!

Doc,
I wanted to tell you that I m/c had 16 weeks at I had to stay off my feet for 5 days. I had to get a D&C and most people who m/c so late have to have a D&C and if she was over 20 weeks then she might have delivered a dead baby. <p>And if she took a HTP test now it should still come back positive your HCG levels are high enough that it takes weeks to get down to zero. There should be records somewhere if she m/c.<p>I would think if she m/c, She definetly would not be going back to work on Monday.<p>I was just wondering if you found anything out? I hope Doc sees her for what she is.<p>Are they still working on the same floor? <p>Dawn

As far as I know she saw the Dr. last Friday afternoon due to some spotting.
She told Doc the Dr. wanted her off her feet as much as possible.Then a few hours later was in the hospital losing the baby. She did say she had a D&C, but it is my understanding from my own physician that this late in the game a D&E is requiered unless her cervix was already dialated...seems they would have caught that at her appt. that afternoon. We still have no tangible proof other than her word there was even a baby, but the point it Doc believes there was. And he's griefstricken.This would have been his only child..a son according to her.<p>I have decided not to push the issue and let him come to terms with his loss as he see's fit. They continue to work together and she told him there are things he needs to know, she just isn't ready to tell him yet.
As far as his contact, it's pretty limited...I believe they speak during their 10 mins break periods.He knows his boundries and what I will tolerate and what I won't.<p>I dont really feel at this point I can push for proof, that'd drive him away from me...

docsgirl
Please forgive me for intruding, but i would like to tell you as having been in the other womans position, if someone didnt believe me, they would be looking at ultrasound pictures, which by the way have dates and names on them.
they also would be sitting in a dr.s office with me so he could tell them the truth..
I would lean toward the fact that this woman was indeed lying, why wouldnt she show proof to at least your husband.
I showed, my xom ultrasound pictures.. not because he didnt believe me but because he wanted to see them, at that time he was picking out names, lets face it women can be manipulative and we see these sorts of things all the time.. I would just let her show her self for what she is, husband will come around to your way of thinking, she will make a mistake.. people dont lie well, it is always found out.

disclaimer
this is in no way a reference to any person or persons at Marriage Builders. please do not take offense.

MO5<p>LOL...I love the disclaimer...nice cover your a** tactic.. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>She supossedly had ultrasounds performed, not one picture. I had him ask to see the picture once, there was none. "they didn't give her one"
He expressed many times his desire to go with her to her appointments, but they were always scheduled when he couldn't.There is not once piece of evidence other than what she tells him. And my sweet Doc is the type of man that takes people for their word.It's just me that wants the proof.I just wish he could see the conveince of it all...the timing, he was firm in his conviction to inform the HR department of her pregnancy and was going to with or without her consent and he told her as much.Now he feels like he caused her to much stress and that's the reason she lost it.<p>Inspite of all the heartache he's caused for me...I've always admired him for wanting to do what he felt was the right thing by this baby.He's still my hero...and a line from my favorite song<p>"even hero's have the right to bleed"<p>thank you all for your support...you've helped me keep my sanity

Then just stand by and support him in his grief, you are obviously a loving wife and he will move past this.
I dont think she was pregnant and I think she is playing on his sympathies to make him feel guilty. She knows he has a big heart as well. <p> I am sorry for what your going through.