I need some advice. I hope this is the right place to start. I am smart enough to know that this forum is full of people that have been there and done that, some with great advice, others with anger and resentment. I do hope that your feedback can help me get through what I see as a hopeless situation, and at the very least let me have intelligent conversation with someone about my nightmare.

A bit of background. This is confusing and long and you wouldn't believe half of it, but if you like a good mystery sit back and listen then maybe you can help me.

My husband and I have been married almost 12 years ago. My husband and I work in two very different industries, have very different backgrounds and interests. We have two children My son who I had very young, and who has only known my husband as a father and my daughter who was born after we were married. I come from a split, mostly dysfunctional family and he comes from a solid supportive family who is still always together.

About 4 years ago I had a friend online who had similar interests and could really relate to some problems I had in my past. Our relationship became very very consuming. As much as I love my husband I don't think he had ever paid that much attention to me and I thought that this relationship was all good. My husband saw it for what it really was, an inappropriate third person in our marriage, even if only on-line, an emotional affair. I don't know why I couldn't see that but I didn't - it made me angry and resentful that my husband couldn't understand that I had a right to this friendship. After fighting about this for quite awhile and people picking sides my husband who worked mostly out of town had a few 1 night stands with a woman out of town and then settled into an affair with an unhappily married woman who worked with him. They obviously related in their unhappiness and he found someone he could talk to. Before I found out about the affair(s) I became increasing resentful of his distrust and anger over my "friendship". We fought worse and when it became mean in front of the kids a counselor suggested a temporary separation. We separated, his co-worker affair left her unhappy marriage and he and I continued to work on our problems. We reconciled 3 months later. I had made no change. He had ended his affair (I still didn't know about it). Just before we got back together he had a short fling with another colleague. Two months into our reconciliation I found out about her. When I confronted him, he told me everything - about all of the women and that this had been going on for the better part of a year. I was stunned, shocked and mostly disappointed in myself for not noticing how unhappy he was, that he was actually fooling around. I realized I had been fairly wrapped up in myself, not to notice in fact I think he wanted to be caught. However I was hurt and angry and felt like a fool. He moved out again and went to seek help, hoping to reconcile and he went so far as to even to try to accept my online "friendship". In the mean time I settled into a fairly quick depression and confided more in my friend. It was at this point that he pronounced his love for me and even an offer of marriage. Instead of feeling like I had someone to turn to, I was destroyed - I felt like I had just lost a friend and worse. . . I realized that my husband had been right all along and that this person and I had never ever had just a friendship and that I had been lying to myself and putting my husband in a bad situation for a very long time. I was a complete mess.

He wanted me to come and see him and at first I resisted. Then however, my brain and unfortunately some friends and family who only knew my side encouraged me. My husband had had multiple affairs - this man loved me and I could talk to him. I went to see him for a weekend. (THIS IS IMPORTANT) it was the first major mistake I made and am still paying for. As soon as I got there, I realized that it was a mistake I was very unhappy and just couldn't get everything untangled in my head.

I went home after that weekend and decided if my husband wanted to make things work I would try. I was starting to realize just how much of all of our problems were my fault and I had never admitted it, putting it all on my husband. About the exact same time my husband who was destroyed over me going to see this man - decided he could never forgive me and started to move on. . . he however didn't tell me this right away.

He started moving on. . . I started revisisting my past and became more and more upset over my role. I decided to confront him and own up to all my errors - about the exact same time he told me he was going to start seeing another woman.

I was devastated. We started divorce proceedings and I literally went off the deep end. My kids were destroyed by the divorce proceedings and the new woman - although we had been struggling with this for a year or more and had been separated my kids never thought we would get divorced.

It turned ugly fast. I was put on anti-depressants (which actually turned out to be very bad for me and made me worse). My husband moved in with this woman but would do nothing to further our divorce or separation. I cried, he got angry. Imagine the nastiest divorce/separation and you have ours.

I got the medication issue sorted out, dealt with my role in everything and started to accept that I had played a major role in what had happened to my kids. I stayed on in counseling and prepared to move on with my life. . . and he realized how unhappy he was, left the woman and came back.

That was two years ago. It has not been easy. We have had to start from less than zero on the trust side. We had to rebuild everything. We lost friends, I lost my entire family, most people who had picked sides just couldn't deal with us fixing things. Our kids stabilized we had a good life. We went on a major holiday. We never however went to counselling together even though I suggested it and the weekends offered on this site.

Then. . . about two-three months ago my husband started being distant and not affectate to me when he was at home. (He works out of town 4-5 days a week). When he is gone he calls every morning and every night. We talk a lot. He calls for me, not the kids. He would leave we would say how much we missed each other and then when he came home. Distant. No sex, very little talking.

Two weeks ago I finally got it out of him . He is having problems with intimacy because he keeps remembering the past and my "friend". Particularly me going to see him that weekend. He felt like a schizophrenic because when he was away he missed me, when he came home and saw
me he became angry.

It hurt and I took it badly but it wasn't the end of the world, I suggested he go, or we go, and talk to someone. He said he felt bad and didn't even want me to know because if I forgave him for everything he would be a hypocrite to still be angry. I tried to tell him that was okay - everyone deals with things differently. He seemed to want to deal with it his way.

I can't figure out what triggered all of this 2-3 months ago. It makes me crazy. Everything was fine and then bang - it came back. I was upset but still not too worried. I know for sure he is not having an affair or I would
think that was it. This man talks to me all the time while he is gone, if he was having an affair she would have to be there sitting quietly for hours and hours at a time. He swears he isn't and I believe him.

The last two weeks however have been hell - instead of it improving since he told me it is getting worse. He is getting more and more depressed and more distant. Now it is not just sex - it is any physical contact. No kissing,
cuddling. Every time we talk about it know he claims he has been unhappy for longer and longer periods. First it was the last few months, then the last 6 months, then the last year and now he has never been happy since we reconciled.

This is going to sound silly - but I don't believe it. He is not that good of
an actor and I am not that naïve. Its like he wants to convince himself he is shouldn't be with me and our reconciliation was a mistake. Two small but distinct indicators of this are: about 6 weeks ago I was offered a job in
another country. He seriously wanted me to apply so we could move - he offered to quit his job. Two months ago we put our son who struggles in school and has a physical ailment that causes him some problems into a private school. Not only is it costing us a fortune that we had to very careful consider whether we could afford - but if he has any behaviour issues he will be removed immediately and we will forfeit the fees and a penalty. We were worried about this because he has been known to act out but decided to risk it because he has matured so much. He was a disaster during out last separation and had my husband known when we registered him for this school that he was contemplating another separation he would NEVER have pushed for me to register him.

As of yesterday he wants to leave us. He thinks we will all be happier and healthier and it will be just fine if he and I separate. I feel like Alice who fell down the rabbit hole. He can't think of any reasons not to try and
fix our marriage - but he won't. He can even name plenty of reasons why he should. . .but he won't. He is convinced it won't work.

Yes. . . I know my husband is depressed. I really think he needs to see someone and talk to them - but I can't make him. I also can't make him see reason about how some of his conclusions are just self-deception.

I am destroyed and I am terrified of putting my kids through this again - yet I am feeling completely helpless. He goes between talking about leaving and talking to me like its just an ordinary day. He is out of town and chose to stay way this weekend. I am with our children and have to pretend everything is okay.

Of course I want him to be happy and I do believe he can be happy with me and he dotes on his kids. I just can't get through to him and it looks as if my marriage is ending at lightening speed.

I am so shocked and upset by this that I am afraid to do anything, as I feel like my actions at this point will all contribute to this mess and nothing I can do will help it. I've been down this road and although he assures me and I know I have no guilt this time I am, I am afraid of how unstable I was. Its just a huge mess.