Am I supposed to feel good that my H is still here and we are trying to work things out? He has told me that he's only here because he loves our daughter and wants to be here for our unborn child. He's hoping that that is enough of a base for the moment and that things between us will improve in time. <p>He says he loves me but it's more a love of a friend and a mother than a wife. I just don't know what to do or think. Things between us have been pretty good lately but his heart is just not in it. Is it possible that he will ever love me again? Half the problem is that he still thinks about OW and has feelings for her. Is it fair on me for him to be here with me pretending when he would rather be with someone else? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

HRO<p>Is there any contact between your husband and OW? Do they see each other or talk? As long as there is some kind of contact, husbands usually stay remote and in their fog. WE have all heard "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." They ALL say that when they are still hooked in somehow. If there is no contact, expect the fog to lift in about six months. I can't explain why six months is the magic number after contact ends, but it is. You can almost set your watch to it...it's very weird.<p>You are in my prayers, HRO...<p>[ May 14, 2002: Message edited by: catnip ]</p>

Catnip
My H actually works with OW. He's permanent and she is only casual while she does Uni. They actually haven't had any contact at all for a few weeks now but they will at some stage.

hro,
I'm not the most qualified to answer this, but I hate to see your thread so short.<p>Have you and H taken the Needs and Love Busters quizzes here?? They are so excellent. Do you have any of the recovery books and working on your issues together?<p>I agree with catnip that so long as he has not cut ties 100% with XOW, not all his energies will be in the marriage. (Imagine a triangle. When the third point is cut off, all that energy can flow just between the two of you!!) <p>IT IS POSSIBLE for you to BOTH fall in love with each other again, by working through recovery and meeting each others' needs. Are you in counseling? It would be, IMO, well worth the money to call the Harleys, or to find a MB-principle friendly counselor in your area. In your case, you might need to Plan A for awhile?<p>I'm sure it hurts that your H isn't whole-hearted or feeling the love, but at least he's trying. The book my H and I used "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring has excellent descriptions of basically "fake it 'til you make it" and that people stay in their marriages for less that true-love, but that doesn't stop you from creating new loves in each other! <p>Prayers for your recovery,
J
in recovery 3.5 years and happy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

heart tripped out,
I am sorry you are in so much pain but I do believe you can get all that love back.
He is confused right now, i can tell you I have heard this line a dozen times, but you know what when I finally had enough and made him leave he begged to stay .. it wasnt about the kids, he didnt want to go.
Dont give up, it can still work out

Heart,<p>How often do they see eachother at work? Having been there and still not completely clear headed yet, I agree with Catnip and pray that she is right about the magic number because I don't know how much longer I can take all this confusion.
Heart, the "spell" or fog as it's called here, it is strong and it lasts for quite some time. I'm 2.5 months away from OM with little to no contact these days and it helps tremendously to be away from him. <p>I can identify with your H because I felt much the same way. That in love v. loving a person is very hard to overcome when you have 2 people in your life. For me, I couldn't even be open enough to my H to be "in" love with him again until I got away from OM. I hope that it helps to know that those feelings about to stay or leave were always fleeting with me. Somedays I wanted to stay for various reasons and other days I wanted to leave for others.
It is a mess this fog but it gets better once A if over with and not seeing or even talking to the OP expedites those feelings leaving us for good.

They haven't seen each other for maybe three weeks now but normally would see each other maybe once or twice a week for 3 or 4 hours at a time. <p>Thank you all for your advice. Sometimes I feel like we can make this work and sometimes I just think it's too hard. Hasn't the pain been enough already? Now I read that it will be at least 6 months before I see any sort of improvement. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to go through this for that long.

hro,<p>Just remember that if it doesn't work out, you can call it quits later, but you'll never know if it would've worked out if you don't try/hang in there now. <p>Also, whatever issues you do not resolve in this relationship, you will each carry into any other relationship(s) you have if you don't stay together: same stuff, different face. <p>AND, if you have children together, you'll be facing this man for the rest of your life anyway, married or not, due to the children and eventual grandchildren.<p>The pain is great... but the alternatives aren't much better. Recovery is a roller coaster that gradually gets less bumpy...<p>Prayers for good recovery,
J
in recovery 3.5 years and happy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

HRO.<p>I did the same to my W. Found OW that gave something that W did not. In love with my wife, but she is pushing away. Want to work it out. Hope she does too but not sure [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Work it out with H. He is probably worth it.

We all should really take a poll and see how many of the WS's on the board used this exact line:<p>I love you but I'm not in love with you.<p>I think the best thing I read was about how "being in love" is a physical reaction like being high. It can be achieved but cannot sustain a long term relationship. <p>People in long long marriage (faithful ones too) always admit to having periods of not being in that blissful "in love" feeling, but have always felt love for their spouse.<p>Unfortunately our spouses got caught up in the throws of this "in love feeling" and mistake it for the real thing. Once out of that fog (from either no contact or seeing the OP's true colors or a good Plan B) they realize that the real love was much deeper and profound than the blissful feeling of "in love".<p>Successful marriages learn how too recognize when the "blissful" is slipping in their marriages and react in a positive way, ie. flowers, dancing, romancing, sweet surprises, whatever would make the other spouse have butterflys.<p>HRO, the best you can do right now is be patient and realize exactly where your H is right now in his stage of grief. He is going through (although different) his own grief. It probably helps him feel good about himself if he can justify it as "he was in love and did it in the name of love." He's just trying to make himself feel better.<p>A wise poster once told me in the early stages of my grief that the BS has to work the hardest at recovery in the beginning. It sucks, I know. But it's soooooooo true. My husband rode the fence for a long long time. In fact I was just about to walk out the door for good when it all turned around.<p>Keep the faith, keep praying, keep coming here and venting, keep reading and most of all keep loving your husband.<p>My best friend, on the afternoon I called her sobbing because that morning my H broke the news he had an affair and an OC, didn't say a word, but asked me one simple question:<p>Do you love your husband?<p>I answered, "yes". Then she said:<p>Then we are going to fight for your marriage.<p>Then we began our plan to, recovery my self esteem, recover my self dignity, make him fall back in love with me, make him realize the love that was already there, and learn to communicate in a way so as to never get back here again.<p>You can do it girl, but it is WORKdon't be fooled. But it is oh so worth it.<p>Best of luck,
Z.