I have read that some BSs have become the go-between for contact between the WS and the OW/OC. <p>My question is how did you do it? I want to be able to do that. There is precious little communication in regard to Lil Bit’s health and well being, and its really beginning to pi$$ me off... <p>Take yesterday for instance; H picked Lil Bit up last night. ExOW didn’t tell him that she was sick. She is stuffy, has a runny nose and a very high fever. The poor little girl feels so awful.
The moment that she saw me, her daddy was carrying her, she began to cry and reach for me. I was carrying a box of clothes, we have just moved to a bigger apartment, and couldn’t take her right away. She got so frustrated that she began to turn red in the face and huge tears streaming down her face, all this in seconds!
I hurriedly put down the box and took her from H. She immediately stopped crying and began to smile. She wanted me. She needed me to comfort her. It just means so much to me that she feels that way about me.
She wouldn’t go back to H. I tried to get her to go to him so I could finish unpacking a few more boxes, to no avail. She wanted me and no one else would do. <p>I believe we need to get a better communication channel open. And I feel that I can deal with exOW better or at least push enough buttons to get something out of her. As it stands right now, there is basically nothing said between the two of them. I don’t see where no communication is doing Lil Bit any good at all.<p>I am looking for suggestions and opinions… so.. FIRE AWAY… [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Stacia,<p>Her reaction to you indicates to me that she sees you as her Mommy. No bones about that in my opinion.<p>What the hell is wrong with her bio-mother? I would have a list to give H, with all meds, times, etc. Best interest of child vs. hurt ego...hmmm that is what seems to be going on and that is why she doesn't talk to H.<p>How do you feel about being the person to pick up child? Not to say anything bad about your H, but Mothers (at least the good ones) seem to be more in tune with these things overall. You most likely would have asked her a series of questions about whether lil bit been to doctor, what was diagnosis, any medications, anything that YOU should know about since she is coming to stay with you.
You have a strong heart Stacia to be this involved with Lil bit. You must be an amazing person to have achieved such a relationship. I think you can do anything you want to.

Staci,<p>Did you and BB ever have a civil conversation? I know you said you don't say anything to each other when your H picks up Lil Bit. If you feel as if you could talk to her give her a call or something heck write her a letter. Ask your H how he feels about that? You are a major part of Lil Bit's life. If I was BB I would make sure there was an open line of communication with the woman who my child lived with 51% of the week. Good luck girl I miss chatting with ya I hope to see you soon.<p>Tee<p>[ May 16, 2002: Message edited by: UNSure919400 ]</p>

stacie,
I dont know much about your story, but given my circumstances , I deal with the W who happens to be a step parent to my daughter. <p> Seems to me lil bit is very comfortable with you and loves you very much. That should make the mother feel very good about you, since she knows you love her so much, she should welcome your concern about the communication and see how the two of you can fix it.
I leave my icq up so that his wife, can message me any time she has a concern or worry. WHEN my D spends the night, they take digital pictures of her through out and email.. I dont ask them to they just do it to ease my worries. Now her husband does not chat with me, just the wife, OM will email me if he has a concern we are not agreeing on, and he sends email to D ever so often.
We discuss her asthma and all things she is doing before they take her away, including medicines, new words funny things, dicipline, what ever is going on.
I would go see or talk to this woman, after all you are raising a child together, and any woman who had my child, I sure as heck want to know she was being well cared for and would appreciate the gesture. I think as parents we have a responsibility to do so. <p> Wanting to make life better for that baby is a wonderful thing nothing wrong with making it work. good luck

Stacia,
I miss chatting with you too and everyone else.
Sorry no advice. I just don't understand your BB. Do you think that BB will talk to you? I know she hates you. When do you go back to court? It just seems that Lil Bit would be better off with you and your H. I hope you get full custody.<p>Maybe, you can go with your H and ask her if Lil Bit is sick and just start asking away. <p>How is your moving going?<p>Dawn

I agree with Cmiranda, however, I must warn that if you pick her up, BB will see lil Bit's strong and loving reaction to you which could cause the green eyed monster to rear its ugly head. Jealousy is an extremely strong emotion, plus Lil Bits reaction could be very threatening to BB.<p>If BB were more like Mom of Five or Ohbratti, this would not concern me at all, but given BB's behavior, I guess I wouldn't expect her to put Lil Bits best interests at heart.

my 2 cents and it isnt worth more than 2 cents, but if you can try reaching out to her and just keep reaching out for lil bits sake, then in time, she may come around. She may not but when that baby grows she will know it is her mothers issues not yours. then you let it be.
we didnt get to where we are by not working at it, and crying and argueing and a dozen other feelings. It is an ongoing relationship for the good of OUR daughter.
We have NO choice.

Hi,
I just wanted to say that I am sure that Stacia is not allow to pick her up. She can go with her H, but the court order is that her H picks her up. OW hates Stacia. <p>Dawn

I know this has been said a million times, but exOW wants nothing to do with this child other than to use her as a pawn to get my husband.
She has made the statement more than once that she doesn&#8217;t want this child at all.
She has also stated that had she known H would not leave me for her she would have aborted this precious angel. <p>That is what is wrong with the bio-mother. She has already been proven an unfit mother with her 2nd child. Her 1st child she mercifully gave up for adoption.
This woman is the TRUE definition of psycho. She has done so many things that prove it.<p>To quote her the day that she found out that H was filing to establish paternity.
Ok, you wanna be an [censored] about this? We&#8217;ll see who can be the biggest b!tch over this $hit!!! (we have this on tape so it can be backed up)
He was only filing to establish paternity and legitimate the baby!!!! All that meant was DNA testing to prove she was his child.
He didn&#8217;t file for custody until 2 months after the baby was born! And the reason he did that was because of the horrible condition that the baby was in constantly.<p>As for picking Lil Bit up for parenting time, I am all for it. H would also be willing to allow it. The only person that has a problem is exOW. She tried to get it to where I would have to move out during the time that H had Lil Bit for parenting time.
Can you believe that??? I have no right to be in MY OWN home?? Who does she think she is?? Thankfully the GAL told her she could not ask me to do that.
And because of the animosity that exOW has for ME&#8230; the GAL decided I could not pick up Lil Bit alone. H had to be there. I cannot utter a word. I am forbidden to speak to exOW. It&#8217;s not actually in the court order, but as far as H is concerned the GAL&#8217;s word is LAW. <p>So, I ride along twice a week and witness the exchange, sitting there trying to see and hear everything. And there is rarely anything to hear. H will ask exOW about the Dr appointments, which is actually how he found out she no longer has insurance on Lil Bit. H has been going round and round with our insurance company, because there is no court order that states he must provide insurance they refuse to add her to our policy.
The GAL had originally told us that we could not take Lil Bit to a Dr without exOW knowing, but she could take her without telling H&#8230;. I ask you&#8230; how fair is that? But after the Referee classified it as Joint Custody, H feels better about that. We have taken Lil Bit to see the Pediatrician when there was a blood spot in her eye. We should have taken her when there were numerous bruises, but because the GAL had said we could not take her, we didn&#8217;t. <p>We have even been through rounds with DCS/CPS. There was a judgment that in Sept &#8220;the child was at risk of abuse and neglect by her mother&#8221; but because she took 1 parenting class, H had to take it too, they basically dropped it all. They had waited almost 6 months to even come to that conclusion. <p>Yes, she irritates me. Yes, she hates me. But, if I had the chance, I think I could talk to her. I have once before. Over a year ago. I was civil. I was courteous. I asked her about her physical well being. I tried to show concern for her unborn child. I did tell her that the best thing for her to do, because she claimed that arguing with H was putting her in the hospital (which btw was a LIE, I learned later), was to stop seeing him and move on with her life. To which she replied like a preschooler, &#8220;I won&#8217;t stop seeing him and YOU can&#8217;t make me!&#8221;<p>As for her seeing Lil Bit&#8217;s reaction to me&#8230; She has seen it. IN COURT. I see Lil Bit&#8217;s reaction to her twice a week. I have seen it in court. This child reacts to her bio-mother like she reacts to strangers she meets in Wal-Mart!
I know exOW is jealous of me. She has been since the A started. So for the &#8220;green-eyed monster to rear its ugly head&#8221; is nothing new here.. LOL

I can see you have no choice int he matter.. I have a hard time picturing a woman not wanting her child, but know it happens, as I have a little girl in my home no one wanted. and I dont understand why and yet I know it happens and heard those same words out of her bio mom. <p> Document everything and always remain in control.. go for full custody, and be done with it. LIL BIT needs a mamma who will love her no matter what. Thank God she gets that at least half the time, but how heartbreaking it must be for her to go back home. <p> I used to cry when we had to take the daughter we adopted back to the foster home, we had her four days a week, foster home had her three, it was killing us all. Thank goodness we dont have to do that any more.

If you can prove she is unfit, you and your H could be granted full custody of Lit bit. exOW does not sound evenly slightly stable. If you see bruises you should absolutely take her to a hospital where those bruises can be documented and pictures can be taken.
Jealously is a very powerful and destructive feeling. A's breed it. Some of us turn it inward, some turn it on the OP, and it may be that Lil Bit is seen as an extension of your H and she is suffering from her mothers obvious hurt and rage. How old is Lil Bit?
It says alot about her relationship with her Mother when she reacts to her with such indifference you with such love. If ow said she didn't want her, I'm sure her actions speak much louder. Lil bit deserves so much better than some psycho case raising her.
Would you want her full time? That may be a very good option to pursue if you do. Cut that wacko out completely.

CMiranda
Yes, I would take her. In a heartbeat!<p>She is 10 months old. I have been around her ever since she was 5 wks old.
Here is my story… it is long… but it will tell more than I can add in this post.<p>A little background...<p>There have been bruises. There was the bloodspot… We did have the bloodspot documented and the bruises were shown as well.. but no pictures, other than what we took ourselves have been done.<p>We had several pictures of bruising and strange marks in her private area, but because Wal-Mart considered them child pornography they were over-exposed, lost forever.

Stacia,
I am so sorry. I did not know that there were bruises. I pray that you get full custody soon. When is court set for the hearing?<p>Dawn

stacia
If you dont get any where with cps and you continue to not get the results for that childs welfare, then I suggest you call a congressman in your area and explain your plight, they can help more that you know,
We werent able to get adopted child completely away from states custody.. I believe because they get money for each kid. I was fed up and new we were damaging this child who had been so severly abused by shuffling her back in forth, they kept coming up with new reasons and dates we couldnt have her and I didnt understand it. Here we were a couple willing to take on all responsibility, education ,medical insurance, food clothing, love , stability, yet they fought us the whole way, we were white she wasnt!(so what!)We didnt speak spanish agaian so what she didnt even really talk at three, they tried to convince us in front of child that she was phsychotic, which is crazy, she was given back nine time before she turned two and half.. so why leave her in a system that was hurting her this way.
ANY way to make a long story short, I called my congressman and told him the story and with in two hours, I had social workers kissing my butt, and with in 5 hours, that little girl had a permanent home, and that was 5 years ago, and she knows she is loved and has learned to love back.
sorry to bore you, but I wanted you to know when things get nowhere with the system, after you have documented and exhausted every avenue.. there are still options.
oh and they cleaned house in that welfare dept,The people we had to work with are no longer there. I also did not like the condition of the foster home, and was angry social worker did not have a problem with the urine stained carpet and treatment of these babies.
I am somewhat of a **** stirrer, but I hate when an injustice has been done.

Dawn71,<p>Yeah, some brusies on her buttocks and inner thighs... and fingertip shaped bruises in the middle of her back, like she had been gripped too hard, possibly shaken... about the same time as the bloodspot.<p>The pediatrician that exOW has for Lil Bit continues to say that these things are "normal."<p>No idea yet for the next court date. Now that DCS/CPS has made their judgement and are out of the case, its all about custody now. Head to head.. H & me vs. exOW....

Stacia,<p>I will read your story, thanks for the link. I wanted to say that it may be very beneficial to you to contact a lawyer who specializes in family law and child advocacy. Also, if you have a Law School in your state, they will have a center for child advocacy on their campus that may advise you for a nominal fee or no charge. Check your flagship state university, for example University of XXX.
I am very concerned about the potential of abuse. The marks raise a huge red flag in my mind. If you suspect sexual abuse, take her to a hospital. Don't attempt to document that on your own. OW is unstable and what she does or says if abuse were to come out is anyones guess. Protect yourselves. Document (do you have a digital camera)? and have an outside agency document.
Does this ow have a boyfriend?
My thought is that if ow kept child to get H and the plan aint' working, what kind of mother can she possibly be? What will she do to this child who could not possibly live up to her mothers plans and expectations?

Stacia,<p>Get a digital camera and a decent printer. Both are relatively cheap now. Get a camera that can stamp the date on the picture.<p>Still in my prayers,
MJ

Stacia,
Does your webcam also takes pictures? My webacam does and I printed some pictures out myself off of my color printer. Just a thought.
Like Mom of 5 idea about calling a congressman.<p>What does your H think about you talking to her? Your case is different then most here. I was wondering if talking to her will cause more harm then good. What does your H think? I know you can be civil to her, but can she be civil toward you? Since she does not care what happens to Lil Bit, I really don't know if talking to her will help.<p>
Dawn

Stacia,
I just e-mailed you.<p>Dawn

Mom,<p>You are right, the state does get $$ thru fed grants for children in their fc system. Some of the state agencies and their workers are as pathetic as the parents who loose custody. There is alot of corruption and politics going on and I'm so happy to hear your message that there are other avenues for wonderful people like Stacia and her H.
I just read Stacia's stories from her link and my jaw dropped at what she, H and lil bit have been through. It is more than shocking to me. It is a gross injustice.