My husband and I have been married for 2 years and dated for 3 years prior to that. We have always had issues with his parents, mainly his mother. At first, everything was fine. We all got along, but my husband really didn't want to spend time with them. He would always come to my parents' house and would literally stay there until he had to go home to sleep. When I questioned him about this, he just said that he wasn't comfortable there. Being a new couple, I didn't want to pry into an area that he wasn't ready to discuss.
Anyway, as time went on, I started to see his parents' behavior towards him. They were always criticizing him...he literally couldn't do anything right and his brother was "perfect". For instance, my husband would cook a meal and when someone would compliment him on it, his father would talk about what a mess he made.
So, again, more time had lapsed in our relationship and his mother started telling me how she used to be so close to Rob and that his former girlfriends ruined their relationship and she didn't know what was wrong between her and her son. At first, I kept my mouth shut, but after several months of this, I finally told her how my husband felt. Well, this was the wrong move. My mother-in-law wasn't looking for the truth. She was looking for validation that her son was horrible. She ended up turning on me and refused to speak with me. I attempted to call her several times and she would not return my calls. Now, before we had our talk, my husband and I had just booked our reception hall. My parents were driving though down, spotted his parents, pulled over, and wanted to invite them for dinner and show them the place. My father-in-law stopped when he saw my parents, but my mother-in-law kept walking. My mother called out to her and my mother-in-law ignored her and kept going. My parents had no intention of telling us this, since they didn't want to make Rob feel uncomfortable. However, the next day, I get an email from my mother-in-law asking me to apologize to my mother for her. I then questioned my mother and when my husband and I found out, he told his mother that she needed to call and apologize personally. Well, she never did. So, now back to her not speaking with me. After, a few days, my husband spoke to his father and said that she was not returning my calls and that she never apologized to my mother for her behavior. Well, the next thing you know, my mother receives a call from her and my mother-in-law says, "well, I guess I owe you an apology, so here it is." Then, she proceeded to tell my mother what a horrible daughter she has. I ended up attempting to call her again that night (not knowing that she had spoken to my mother). This time, she got on the phone and basically told me what a horrible person I was and totally berated me. When my husband got home, his mother stormed into his room and said, "are you happy now, I talked to you fiancee." He said no and argued with her about the things she said to me. Again, the next morning, I receive and email of apology saying that we had miscommunication.
As you can imagine, my husband and I did not spend much time with them after that. We went about our wedding planning and as it got closer, we started to include them more. There were a TON of issues with the wedding planning and how they expected my parents to pay for everything, etc...
The real issues started on our wedding day. For starters, my husband and I asked her about her dress and she never told us. In fact, she said she wanted to surprise us. Then, because his brother eloped, she wanted to use our photographer (which we were paying for) to take tons of shots, of not us, but my brother-in-law, his wife and their daughter (who was not invited to the wedding because she was 1). When my mil asked my husband if he wanted pictures of the baby, he said no, it was our day. Well, I show up to the church and there is my mil in a BLACK dress! Yes, she surprised me. Then, as I was waiting in back of the church, she went up to every one of my bridesmaids, kissed them hello and totally ignored me. At the reception hall, we arrive and in the parking lot is my sister-in-law, her sister, and the baby. My mil proceeded to bring all three of them around to the cocktail hour and wanted them to get ready for pictures. I almost lost it, but my bridesmaids brought me to the bridal suite and calmed me down. In the mean time, my husband reiterated that the baby was not to be there and to leave. That didn't go over well with my in-laws.
After our honeymoon, we stopped by my in-laws to talk about our trip. The first thing out of my mil's mouth was, "your father is a f*cken liar!" Apparently, there was a whole ordeal with the tuxes and she thought my father set-up the tux pickup at my in-laws. In the meantime, my father was going to have the tuxes picked up at their house and the only tuxes he didn't have were my father-in-law's and brother-in-law's. We think that my brother-in-law (who likes to make trouble) organized a pick up and when the parents started to fight, didn't say anything.
A month after our wedding, my mil came to my house, with my fil and my husband's grandmother. She was supposed to pick out pictures for her wedding album. Instead, she started screaming, literally foaming at the mouth, and ripping about my wedding, family, and then she got up put her finger in my face and called me a b*tch. Mind you, this is all in my home. My fil had to physically pull her away from me and my husband kicked her out. Her response was, "I am not going to be welcome here every again, so I am going to sit down and tell you what I think." And, she did. I stayed calm. I never talked back because I had respect for my husband's grandmother. After my mil threw her tantrum, she acted like everything was fine and even gave me b-day gifts. When my husband and I didn't speak to them, she wondered why. My husband spoke to his father and expressed that we wanted nothing to do with them until she came down to apologize. She never did. Instead, she went to my husband's best friend and told her how my husband kicked her out and how it was all because of me. She never mentioned what she did or said.
A month later, my in-laws showed up at our house with coffee, wanting to talk. We did end up talking and tried to patch things up. I truly made an effort. I invited her shopping and for coffee. However, I could not get over what happened. I'm still very angry about it and it's been 2 years. I think about it often and how she treated us that way and it makes me sick.
We have a 10 month old son who they never make an effort to see. My in-laws live up the block and they never call, never invite us for dinner, and never, ever make any kind of attempt to see my son. My mil kept saying that there was something wrong with my son because he spit-up a lot until he was 4 months. We told her nothing was wrong, yet she insisted that something was wrong and that her other grandchild NEVER had these problems.
My husband and I have gotten to a point where we don't want to put our son in the middle of all this. We don't want him to feel that there is something wrong with him. It bothers us that they don't want to spend time with him and that when they do, there is always a criticism about him.
There was another major issues with them recently, but it is VERY long and this is already a novel.
I'm looking for help on how to handle this situation. Should I be over my anger by now? Am I asking my husband too much by telling him that I don't want to go out of my way for them? He has so many issues with them and he doesn't discuss us, he bottles it up and lets them walk all over him. Am I wrong to encourage him to stand up for himself? Please help!