OK, here's the deal. I need practical advice instead of platitudes about duty and honor. I think that I have proven my willingness to serve my country time and again, and now I need direction as to how to DEAL with too much time apart and combat stress/fatigue.

Some history. I have been married for almost three years. Due to-- well, you watch the news-- I have only spent about 7 months with my husband altogether (and not even consecutively). The first year was emotionally painful but actually not that hard because we got to talk on the phone and email a lot, almost everyday. He had to leave a week after we got married, was gone for 8 months, then before we could get back together, I had to go for 3 months, then together for a month or so, then he left for California for a month, another couple weeks together, then I left for a school for a month, then a while together but he went to the field for about 2 weeks of every six weeks. Then he got deployed to Iraq, then 4 months later, I got deployed to Iraq (but we are in different parts of the country and it is too dangerous to travel to see each other on account of the war).

So right now we are going through a year and a half stretch apart. It is going terribly. He got mad because, well, ok I have a penchant for dancing. I really like it. Not the bumping and grinding kind, but salsa and swing and that kind of stuff. So I have always done it, and he said it was okay if I still did when he left for Iraq. But, he got mad about it anyway, and then proceeded to terrorize me with what amounts to hate mail for about 4 months. Valentine's day was not even sacred, apparently-- he sent me an email about how he wants to move to another state without me, how angry he is with me, and some references to other women that I won't get into. So, yeah, he is really angry. I had this little problem with my boss sexually harrassing me, which was REALLY bothering me. It is one thing to be harrassed at work when you can quit, or even when you can go home, but when that person has absolute control over you, and you can't go home, it is really traumatic. I finally got up the nerve to do something about it. Now I know what you think, well, I could have stopped it, but I have seen some of my friends be harrassed and in one instance, a male soldier tried to rape a female soldier (who was a friend of mine), and they ALWAYS manage to make it the girl's fault. Even if on paper it looks like it was handled properly, they punish you in other ways. And I wasn't sure if it would be worse to put up with it or report it. But eventually it was so intolerable that I decided I didn;t care what happened to me, so I reported it (and have been properly punished but the punishment was better than the harrassment so I won in the end). I told my H about it-- I didn't tell him at first out of fear that he would report it. You know what he said? That if I go out dancing, people will assume that I am a whore, so I kind of asked for it. I was shocked. I mean, he was the nicest guy I have ever met, and he said this to me, first thing when I told him about it. I said something like, "what kind of a husband are you?" and he said "f-you" and hung up.

OK, I have asked about this before and people say things like, aww shucks, he is going through a lot over there, put up with it. Well, I am going through a lot too, by all accounts, more than he is as far as job stress (I work 12 hours per day, 6 days per week), getting shot at, quality of life, etc. I don't say things to him like "f-you" and I used to write him really nice letters. Since I got to Iraq all I have gotten from him has been all hate, all the time.

Ok, so I got to go home on 15 days of R&R and I went to see a shrink. They don't really have shrinks here for anything but combat stress/post traumatic stress disorder stuff, and usually they just prescribe meds and send people on their way. So I saw a civilian shrink and I felt like a freak. I was trying to get advice about how to make a crumbling marriage work when you are both at war for a year and a half. Her solution was to stop talking to him. What do you all think? I won't see him again for at least another 6 months (we have been apart for a year). Does this sound like a good solution? Also, getting together and talking is NOT a solution (it is impossible unless we both like, get shot and end up in a hospital in Germany).

Not sure what to do, but willing to take suggestions... (Oh yeah, and we are DEFINITELY getting out of the military, but I need advice for RIGHT NOW...) Thanks!

Hello,

I see you must be desperate for answers, you have been to a shrink, etc...

If you will take just a few minutes to read this reply, and really read it, I want to share what I know personally as the answer. Trouble is how serious you are about getting a solution. All I ask is that you read this reply all of it. And you give what I say a chance.


You have been married for awhile, and seperated for so long. It is tuff for marriages to survive even when we are together let alone being apart like you guys have. The odds are against you big time.

When you married, you and your husband entered into a covenant relationship. A covenant cannot be broken except by death, or adultery. This is in the eyes of GOD, and man.

I dont know you of course, or what your faith is, or if you even have any Faith. I will share with you my Faith and how I Know it is the answer to your issues.

I ask if you know the story of Jesus Christ? I ask this first because in order to have peace in life, and in your marriage it is crucial that you know him. In marriage there are some biblical principals that you can apply that can save your marriage, and also bring healing to your relationship. I will give you some scripture to read, and ask even if your not a believer that you read anyhow. You going to a shrink shows your looking for answers, obviously it hasnt worked. Just give this a try and see.

Romans CH 10 vs 9
Ephesians Ch 5 vs 22 thru 33.
I Corinthians CH 13

Please read these scriptures while sitting alone free from distractions, meditate on what they are saying. I tell you my sister, Christ is the answer for you and your husband, and your marriage. I pray you will read these scriptures and think on it.


SFC Farr

waterblue, I can understand some of what you're going through.

My first husband was in the Marines and he fought in the first Gulf War. We married right after his bootcamp and were also separated much of our marriage. He went on six-month deployements every year and a half, plus all the schools and then to Liberia for some conflict there and straight from there to the Gulf. It is espcially difficult when someone first enters the military because there are so many schools to go to and they're under so much stress and often times treated..well, not very well.

My second husband is also in the military, a different branch but he is an officer, not enlisted and that made a difference. We are still separated a lot of the time. He is not currently deployed but his job is one in which his life is in danger every day, whether in peacetime or wartime.

I'm just giving you some background so that you don't think I'm talking out of my butt. My current husband and I are separated right now but I'm going to focus on my first husband since in many ways that relates more closely in with your situation.

Obviously, my first husband and I split up. Distance was not the only factor. We had gotten married very young when I got pregnant. I had been planning on going to an Ivy League college and was a very independent sort and I gave all of that up for my marriage. While he was at war I decided that it was time for a divorce. I did not tell him while he was over there, though, and resolved to have the discussion with him one month after he got home. I couldn't see the point in giving him that stress when he was already in a stressful situation. I did not want to put his life in more danger than it already was. But I was basically tired of being married alone. I was understanding like you. If we had been able to communicate more effectively then I would've tried harder to keep our marriage together. Those separations wouldn't be nearly as bad. But like you, I also got a suspicious attitude and that was really really hard to take because no matter what else I've been, I was always faithful. He also said that he didn't mind me doing certain things and then turned around and got angry when I did them.

Let me tell you what your husband is probably going through. I am sure you know all this but sometimes it helps when someone who has been in a similiar situation has been there and done that. Your husband is very scared. He's fighting for his life, his friend's lives..maybe he is also fighting for his country. I say maybe because at some point, that may cease to be a motivating factor. He misses you horribly. He misses home horribly. He misses routine day-to-day life. He probably loves you. He probably feels guilty that you're home dealing with all the things that he wants to be helping you with. He feels guilty that he married you and has had to leave you alone much of that time. But you know what? He's probably VERY jealous of you too. You have all the things he wants. Sure, you've having to do it alone..but he'd rather be in your position than what he's doing now. And then he feels guilty for being jealous of you! He knows there are problems in the marriage but there's nothing he can really do about it and knows there's not a lot to be done in the situation you're both in. And so he's dealing with it very badly. He probably feels somewhat justified in being an [censored] because of the situation that he's in. Furthermore, he's going through a major life event that you will NEVER be part of, even if he discusses it with you (my husband would never discuss the war with me..things happened that the general American public did not know about). He may feel disconnected with you because of that.

Now let me commiserate on how you're probably feeling. You maybe had this vision of what your marriage might be like. You probably knew beforehand that military life would be hard. But you didn't *really* know. No one can *really* tell you, even someone who has been there. Even you probably can't accurately convey what you're feeling so that someone's who's considering a military marriage would be like.."No way, forget it!" Or it's really easy to ignore their warnings. Anyway, your marriage is different than how you pictured it and that is a disappointment. You are extremely stressed. You're having to deal with very little time with your husband, infrequent phone calls and delayed letters. Miscommunication runs rampant. You're dealing with the very real stress of your husband's life being in danger. He is fighting an enemy that does not fight fair. Your having to deal with his insecurities and your own insecurities. You're also having to deal with the every day stresses of your life and your husband is not there to help you. When you talk to him, he doesn't really understand or lacks interest in what's going in in your life because of his situation. On top of all this you're having to deal with people telling you to be understanding, to suck it up, etc. Even other military wives are not always sympathetic. On top of that, you're also having to deal with your own guilt at feeling how you're feeling. egads..it's a miracle that anyone in the military stays married!

If *I* were you, I might try following your therepists advice, but I would set some limits. Maybe on the next phone call or your next letter to your husband. Tell him that you want to work on your marriage but how difficult it is with the situation you're both in. Tell him that you've both said some things that you didn't really mean or they were said in a situation that does not contribute to objective words/feelings. tell him you think it would be a good idea to not write or talk on the phone for one month. after the month, you be the one to break the silence. Write to him and tell him all these things you're feeling--the lonliness and stress of being alone but married, the fear, the living under a cloud of suspicion, the guilt for feeling any animosity towards him, etc. Tell him you would like to start working on your marriage fresh, the past disagreements while he's been away. Tell him the things that you need--like dancing, that you will not give up. But also be willing to compromise on say..how often you go..and maybe which places you're do your dancing at. Agree that you will not decide on the fate of your marriage until he's been home 2-3 months. Ask him to do the same. Tell him what you expect from him and the marriage while he's gone. Ask him what he expects from you. This letter should be the beginning of a negotiation. Don't try to solve your problems just yet. Just try to find something you can both agree to right now with the way your marriage exists.

I'm not telling you to do these things <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , just something maybe I would do.

I hope that I did not presume too much in this post. Just wanted to let you know that there's someone who understans.