Sometimes I really wonder if I'm the strong person I think I am. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and sometimes I just want to quit. Finding out that my H cheated on me was devastating to say the least and I thought that would be the hardest part of all of this. How wrong was I? It's been about 8 weeks now and It's like it happened just yesterday.<p>Some days I feel really good about things but that is usually shortlived. Knowing that H still thinks about OW is crippling for me. I can be fine and then seeing something as simple as a couple together being happy can bring instant tears. I just wonder constantly what I ever did to deserve to feel so bad. Why can't I be happy? I thought I had everything and now I feel as though I have nothing. I look at couples down the street and wonder if they've been faithful to each other or cared so little that they had to break each other's heart at some stage. I worry that all of this will make me insane in the end. I just don't know if I can cope.<p>I've been reading absolutely everything I can get my hands on but nothing seems to really help. I read that it's "normal" to want to ask questions about A but my H doesn't want to go there and doesn't see how any of that will be of any use to me. He says he's not thinking about it and he's scrambled things in his mind so that he deliberately can't remember. How convenient!!!<p>How can H have A, tell OW that he loves her and then expect me to just get over it? So many posts say that he only thinks he loves her and that it's not real and eventually he'll realise that but when? I don't know if I can survive this long enough for that time to come. I can see exactly what OW is like - just using H for career advancement and as some sort of conquest (H 31 OW 20) and he says maybe he can see that too but doesn't want to admit it because it would make him look like more of an idiot. It's worse for him if he admits it but so much worse for me if he doesn't and hangs onto the fact that they "love" each other. <p>You know what really gets to me is that H says if I had done the same thing (had A) he would have beaten me until I was black and blue and then left without a second thought. It's a great double standard!!! He also says that one of the things he loves the most about me is that I've only ever been with him. It must be a real ego trip for him I think. If he values that so highly then why is it okay for him to be with someone else. I just don't understand!! Sometimes I just feel like a fool and I wonder if staying with him is telling him that it was okay for him to treat me like that. I feel so cheated - like he has taken everything that was mine and given it to OW. How is that fair?<p>HRO

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by heartrippedout:
<strong>Sometimes I really wonder if I'm the strong person I think I am. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and sometimes I just want to quit. <p>=^^= We ALL have felt like this, HRO, trust me. But the thing that really amazed me was months down the road while I was in my resolution and acceptance stage, I looked back and was in total awe of my strength. I didn't know I had it in me ...at the time I felt weak and powerless...but when I looked back, the strength I had was stunning. And, just for validation, this IS the hardest, the absolutely hardest thing you will ever go through in your marriage.
Death is easier because when we loose a spouse through death, we are left with tender, loving memories and we have not experienced the death knell of rejection and our self confidence slashed to ribbons. When a spouse dies and there has been no infidelity, all the mourning spouse remembers is how much they loved each other. And it sustains them. Even though they feel a profound sadness and loss, it has not crippled them where living the rest of their life would be joyless. On the contrary. When we loose a spouse through death, we are left feeling that they died loving us. Infidelity makes us feel unloved and rejected. It annihilates us.

Finding out that my H cheated on me was devastating to say the least and I thought that would be the hardest part of all of this. How wrong was I? <p>=^^= THAT is the cruelest thing about this situation...we have TWO devastating D-Days...the day we discover the affair and then the day we discover the pregnancy. And the later is far, far harder than the first..which at the time seems to be the worst possible thing that can happen in a marriage...but this? A pregnancy? Nothing, nothing surpasses that for pain. <p>It's been about 8 weeks now and It's like it happened just yesterday.<p>=^^= Eight weeks? Eight weeks is nothing! It may as well be eight minutes. The pain at eight weeks is as intense as D-Day...give yourself a break and stop expecting so much from yourself. What you are feeling is absolutely normal and predictable.<p>
Knowing that H still thinks about OW is crippling for me. <p>=^^= Is there still contact? If there is still contact, he will not be able to begin the healing process. If they work together, someone has to leave. It is weirdly true that healing and actively working on your marriage for him can only begin about six months AFTER ALL contact stops...this means contact of any kind.<p>I can be fine and then seeing something as simple as a couple together being happy can bring instant tears.<p>=^^= I know. We have all been there. I am so, so sorry.<p> I just wonder constantly what I ever did to deserve to feel so bad. Why can't I be happy? <p>=^^= You expect to be happy? How can anyone be happy eight weeks or even eight months after a blow like this. This 'thing' has altered your life forever. Grieving is a process and it takes time. You WILL absolutely be happy again, but to wonder 'why' you can't be happy right now is unrealistic given the monumental destruction of your life.
And you didn't DO anything to deserve this...none of us have. You are not responsible for what your husband did and you did not cause this, there is nothing wrong with you...what he did says a lot more about what is wrong with him than with you. <p>I worry that all of this will make me insane in the end. I just don't know if I can cope.<p>=^^= Just come here and post and vent and practice the Harley policies and principles...recovery will happen for you...you will be OK someday...just be glad we have this source. Situations like this are fairly rare and if not for this site and computers, we would be left to tackle these heartaches all alone without support. Just keep coming here.<p>I've been reading absolutely everything I can get my hands on but nothing seems to really help.<p>=^^= Keep reading. It will. You are doing the best you can.<p> I read that it's "normal" to want to ask questions about A but my H doesn't want to go there and doesn't see how any of that will be of any use to me.<p>=^^= Not only normal, but necessary. It isn't until the Betrayed Spouse has received all the information he or she needs to satisfy the questions to enable the Betrayed to move forward...not knowing the truth makes a bigger boogeyman in the sense that the unknown and the fantasies are always much more than what the reality was. Of course your husband doesn't WANT to go there...what Wayward Spouse does? It is more than unpeasant, it is shameful and they don't want to accept their responsibility at first. But it is his duty to tell you everything you want to know and answer all your questions honestly and openly until you are satisfied you have enough information...after what he has done, he owes it to you. However, he probably won't do that until he has had his moment of clarity and realizes the destruction of his actions.<p> He says he's not thinking about it and he's scrambled things in his mind so that he deliberately can't remember.<p>=^^= Denial or cowardess...you choose. <p>How can H have A, tell OW that he loves her and then expect me to just get over it? <p>=^^= It is incredibly stupid and unrealistic for your husband to expect this...and he really doesn't...he is just trying to minimize the huge impact of the damage to the marriage to assuage his guilt. If he loses you because of this, he will come to realizations.<p>So many posts say that he only thinks he loves her and that it's not real<p>=^^= Absolutely true...especially if the affair was short term. It's called the Fog<p> eventually he'll realise that but when?<p>=^^= When there has been NO CONTACT for at least six months<p>doesn't want to admit it because it would make him look like more of an idiot. It's worse for him if he admits it but so much worse for me if he doesn't and hangs onto the fact that they "love" each other.<p>=^^= It is that same disregard for your feelings and selfishness that got him involved in an affair to begin with...as long as he remains self centered, he will be guarding his pride at your expense. <p>You know what really gets to me is that H says if I had done the same thing (had A) he would have beaten me until I was black and blue and then left without a second thought.<p>=^^= Can't answer that one. My husband said he would have stood by me, although I do not believe him. He THINKS he would have stood by me, but I think he would have just walked.<p>Sometimes I just feel like a fool and I wonder if staying with him is telling him that it was okay for him to treat me like that. I feel so cheated - like he has taken everything that was mine and given it to OW. How is that fair?<p>=^^= Everything you have said in that paragraph is exactly what all of us have felt at one time or another. You and your feelings are completely normal and because your emotions are so raw and this is all so new and early in the process, you will probably feel like this for quite a while. There will be days when you feel pretty good, too. Everything will be extreme for the next couple years because it takes that long during the rebuilding of the marraige to begin to trust again. Forgiveness is crucial for recovery as is following the Harley principles. I hope you are in a strong Plan A.<p>What does your husband say he wants? Does he want the marriage? Does he want to stay with you? Is he still seeing OW? Do you have children together? How remorseful is he for hurting you?<p>HRO</strong><hr></blockquote><p>[ May 18, 2002: Message edited by: catnip ]<p>[ May 18, 2002: Message edited by: catnip ]</p>

My prayers go out to you. Like catnip said, we have all been there. I am still where you are because I only found out 12 weeks ago. Do read as much as possible and pray. Pray alot. I wish that I had more words of wisdom for you, but this is still a new and open wound for me also. Just know that you are not alone. I will pray for you.
Dawn [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

{{{{ hugs HRO}}}}<p>These ladies are right unfortunately we've all been there.Just the fact that your here trying to find answers and help for yourself proves that you are indeed strong, a lot stronger than you think.<p>As far as him just expecting you to "get over it", that's a male response IMO...just be careful in wanting to know details...I asked for too many and got my answers...I don't really think it's helped me any to know the graphic details of their relationship.<p>It's ok to cry and it's ok to mourn what was lost, but you have to show and remind this man what it is that he fell in love with in the begining...which means sucking some of your grief up and being the best you, you can be. Doc was way more receptive to the non crying, non whining me and during those times I held it together our talks were a lot more productive.<p>When you hurt or are mad or confused come here...read, post...one of these wonderful ladies will offer their wisdom and even if they can't they'll "hold your hand" and offer their support.<p>I asked Doc once if the situation had been reversed would he have stood by me? He said yes...I really find that hard to believe. I for one never expected that I would stand by someone that cheated on me. Guess you never know until it's presented to you.

Thank you everyone for your support. Without it I don't think I could have gotten this far. Still not sure if I will make it though.<p>To answer a few questions, H says he wants to try to work things out. We have a two year old daughter and I am 6 months pregnant. H says he wants to have a happy loving family. I also know that if it were "correct" he would still want to be with OW. He wants everything. I feel as though he has taken everything from me and yet I'm supposed to feel sorry for him. I just can't at the moment. Especially when his first priority since I've found out has been to protect OW. She's going through a tough time at the moment because her Mum has cancer - and apparently that is supposed to make what she has done okay. I don't know when I'm ever going to come first in H's mind. I feel so second best - like he's only here because of our daughter.<p>H and OW still work together but haven't worked the same shift for over three weeks if H has been honest. She is only casual while she does Uni and H is a manager. That also makes me cranky. One of them has to leave but it will probably be H who gives up his career so that OW can keep her part time job she needs for the next year or so. Why does she get to have everything and just move on with her life as though nothing has happened? She is only 20 years old and will be over this and move onto her next conquest soon (if she hasn't already) and I am left here to try to pick up the pieces of a shattered life. I hate her so much. What gives two people the right to decide that they can totally ruin my life? <p>As far as how I feel, H says he hates himself for hurting me so badly. He must have known how I would feel though. That's what I don't understand. Did he honestly think I would be okay with this and just hug him and forgive him? He can't even begin to understand how excruciating the pain is. I keep telling him that it would have been kinder if he had just killed me. But life goes on and no matter what I decide to do, I have to deal with this incredible pain that two self centred people felt the need to inflict on me. I feel as though no-one cares - if my H doesn't then there isn't much hope is there? He's the one who vowed he would love me forever, and he says he still does. I'd like to see how he treated someone he didn't care about then.<p>Anyway, my main worry in all of this is the effect it is all having on my unborn child. He doesn't deserve this and I wish I wasn't putting him through it.<p>HRO

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hro}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>Heart,
Big Hugs to you.<p>Unless your H is a total *** ("Neaderthal"), the reasons as to why he would do this, knowing it could hurt you, is probably:

1)He never expected you to find out (existance of OC forced him to tell you), and <p>2)Maybe he was acting out some anger at you (relationship issues)in this passive-aggressive way, and <p>3)He was not THINKING at all, just blinding trying to get his "needs" (I don't just mean sex, could be admiration, companionship, etc.) met without admitting to you what they were, and <p>4)Affair is related not only to marital issues but personal issues about himself that he probably isn't even aware of, like a child acting out.<p>These may or not apply to your H, but they definately applied to mine!<p>HRO, it's too soon to give up; you're still in grief. Keep posting, get counseling, keep working on it, and above all be kind to yourself!<p>Prayers,
J
in recovery 3.5y and happy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

HeartRippedOut,
Listen to wise Jenny. She seems to pinpoint everything so well and I hope it gives you the hope you will need to sustain for a while.<p>Counseling w/Harleys seems to help so many here.
At any rate counseling is a valued thing to get. For yourself first if H won't go.<p>Above all I hope you take care of yourself and pending baby. <p>I will pray for you.<p>love
Debi