As I was just telling pops in another post my situation is not perfect and this will prove it.<p>My problem: Apparently xOM has a new GF. I do not know this woman at all except for her name. I knew his previous GF well enough to know that she would treat my D good. He has been with this other woman for a few months now and I only found out about it yesterday. I ran into his xGF(whom I still thought he was with) at the grocery store yesterday. I had my D with me so she stopped to talk to her for a minute. She made a comment about how big she has gotten since the last time she saw her. She must have seen the puzzled look on my face because she then told me that her and xOM had broken up a few months ago and he has been with this other woman since then. My question is do I have the right to find out about this woman seeing as she is around my D? And if so how do I do this? I really don't want to bring it up with xOM especially since he is not the one I found out from. Or do I just trust him to make sure that he would not let anyone else mistreat her? I know this is a very small problem compared to other problems on here but it is my D and I will always be concerned for her welfare. All advice will be welcomed and considered. Thanks!

WIB<p> Hi.. I would consider this a a concern, I am fortunate, when XOM takes my daughter he says who will be around her what they will be doing and he is very straight with every one, if someone says something negative about me, he is very quick to ask them to leave his house.. I am after all her mother. <p> AS a MOTHER YOU SHOULD RAISE YOUR QUESTION OF CONCERN PERHAPS BY SAYING i RAN INTO SO AND SO AND SHE TOLD ME YOU WERE NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE. i KNOW HOW WELL YOU TAKE CARE OF d BUT i AM A MOM AND DO YOU FEEL YOUR NEW GF IS GOOD WITH HER. <p>you dont have to, you can trust his judgement, but my guess is you will have to know and it wont ease your mind when she is on visits with OM if you dont.<p>[ May 20, 2002: Message edited by: mom of five ]</p>

WIB,<p>I feel that you have every right and full obligation to find out about anyone who will be spending time with your D, whether alone or in the presense of ex-OM. There are too many risks in not doing so.
I don't know your history so I wasn't sure if you spoke to OM directly. If so, why didn't he tell you about this new person in his life as it pertains to your D? Or not communicate to you through a 3rd party? I feel that parents are charged with the job of protecting their children, from real or potential threats to their well being. A stranger to you is a threat to your child as you know nothing about her. At least that is how I feel. I personally would not rely on another (in this case ex-om) persons approval of an adult in my child's life. Don't worry about bringing it up with him even though you didn't hear it from him first! I feel that he should have told you about her but regardless of how you found out, you did and it is your responsiblity to follow up with him.

ugh...I can sure understand your dilemma on this one. Does the XOM have legal visitation rights or just an understanding between you?<p>My XH has legal and binding visitation with our daughters and I have to trust his judgement on who he see's fit to expose the girls to, just as he had no say in my relationship with Doc.

Thanks for the quick replys. I do have direct communication with him and he does have legal visitation. I know I can't tell him who he can or can not see and I'm not sure he would say anything bad about her to me even if he knew anything. The kinds of things I'm concerned about are of course any drug or alchohol problems, does she have children and how are they around my D(swearing, fighting,etc.), or any other new people that she will be exposed to now that she is his GF. I do trust his judgement to an extent where my D is concerned and I know he wouldn't knowingly let anyone hurt her. I'm just not sure if his concerns are the same as my concerns. I don't want come off sounding like I'm just being nosy about his new GF which is why I am hesitant about bringing it up to him.

WIB
You have every right to express your concerns where it directly affects your child...don't get me wrong in my saying you have no right as to who he see's as meaning that you can't question who he subjects the kiddo to. I try and ask tactful questions..it's not always easy, but it sounds like you have good communication with XOM, that's really the whole key IMO.

Well, He picks her up today at 3:30 after work for a visit so I guess I'll broach the subject then. I'll let you guys know what happens.

wib, <p>We have a similar situation, except we have never known exOW's boyfriends.
We do know, however, that she has a long history of abusive relationships.
And the knowledge that one of her ex-boyfriends beat her son is scary in and of itself! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If she refused to protect her son at age 5, what makes anyone think she will do better with Lil Bit at 10 months???? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

good luck
I am sure it will go fine

Well I spoke with xOM. I did not ask any personal questions about his new GF just told him I knew that he had one and asked if we could talk about some concerns that I had. He assured me that our D is his #1 priority and his main concern also and would never put her in a bad situation. He said that he and this woman are not really serious and she hasn't even seen my D yet. So I guess I'll let it go for now and just keep my eyes and ears open.

That sounds fair, enjoy your little bit of freedom and do something for your self.

Yeah, like housework. YUCK!!!!

thats what happens when I get free time too, I get to clean with out a 20 month old trailing behind messing up. OH the excitement.

wib,,,, i know that you have already spoken to exom. i am glad all went well. i have to say that in any situation like this you definetly have a right to let him know your concerns. if you do this in a non threatening fashion there should be no problems from him. if it helps ease you mind a little i would say that any new gf to your exom would most likely adore your d. since she was conceived prior to their connection there should be no threat to her from you. she will either accept him with his little girl or be on her way. she in fact will, i would venture to bet, go out of her way to be nice to her.<p> pops

Dear WIB<p>You know? I guess I wouldn't worry too much about this although I would be watchful. And the reason why is this: The 'new' girlfriend doesn't and won't have any heartburn over you because you child was born BEFORE your XOM met her...and I believe this is the key.<p>When I met Bipolar Bear, his kids were 4 and 6 and adorable. they were from his first marriage and before I knew him, so I was really happy to make their acquaintance. Of course, I was crazy about their Dad and so I really like them, too.<p>Women, if they aren't put in an impossible situation where resentment has overtaken them from a betrayal and violation against them, are basically soft and warm, kind and loving towards children. Cute kids bring out the mommy in all of us. Little kids and babies are all cute to most women. I guess I wouldn't worry about it too much, but would set up some guidelines//boundaries with XOM and let him kow that unless he is serious about someone, he doesn't need to take your child around casual dates.<p>I guess I would ask him if it was serious and if it is, say, "That's great! I'd like to meet her!"<p>You'll feel better once you get to know her and I am sure she won't have any jealousy issues since the affair didn't happen on her watch.

Hi pops and Catnip, Your words make perfect sense to ME although I think they pertain to my D more than to myself. His last GF was very good with my D but she had a problem with me. She was an aqaintence(?) of both mine and xOM and knew of our A as it was going on. I always liked her, she is a very nice professional woman. She came with xOM several times when he picked up or dropped off D. We were always pleasant to each other and I even complimented her a few times to try and set her at ease. One Saturday last winter xOM had a scheduled visit. A few days prior when we were setting up a time for the visit xOM said anytime was fine as he had no plans at all that day so we said 1'o clock. When Saturday came around something had come up and it would have been much more convenient for me if he picked her up an hour earlier. Remembering that he said he had no plans that day I called him in the morning and asked if he could pick D up an hour earlier instead. He was fine with it and said sure. When he came to pick her up he asked me to try not to do that again. Apparently his GF gave him the 3rd degree about it telling him that I was trying to manipulate and control him. He told me that for some reason she was very jealous of me. Up until that point I had no concerns about her being with my D but at that time I drilled him on how she was treating D. He was adament that my D was being treated very well by his GF. I believe that she was treating her well even though she had a problem with me because she cared for xOM. I knew she was a very kind woman so I didn't worry about it. I do not know this new GF at all and I hope that she will not have a problem with me as that will only make me worry more about my D. And as I mentioned earlier I hope that she does not have many character flaws and does not bring bad influences into my D's life. This is a small town however and I'm sure I could find out about her if I want to dig a little but I don't want to feel or look like a snoop. It is just so hard to not have complete control over my childs life. One of the things that makes this a not so perfect situation.

wib
xom sounds as if he wants your D best intrest to always be considered.. My guess is since he has bonded with her and loves her, he would not allow any one to hurt her or be rude.<p> Yes sharing your child is not an easy thing to do and a definate drawback to all this, I HAVE SUPRISED MY SELF, after just talking to you and hearing about how you did visits and such, I started to work on how I did them as well, and things are much better,
I dont worry so much any more, because bio dad has become such a mother hen it drives me nuts at times.
she is spoiled wrotten, we will have to work on that. He doesnt let her out of his site for a second, and athough his wife is involved and spoils her as well, when he is with her, he does all her care, from cooking, diapers, baths, you name it he does it. Big change from I dont want to know her, to why cant I have her again today. but it does ease my mind.

MoF, It's funny, my xOM is also a mother hen. His brother was with him one time when they dropped D off and he asked me if I knew how badly D had xOM wrapped around her little finger. I know he would never intentionally let anyone harm her but sometimes people only let you see what they want you to see and I just hope he keeps his eyes wide open at all times.

Sorry to bring this old subject up again but new developments. I picked up my D from xOM's house tonight. I don't usually do this but I was picking my son up from Little League practice and it was on the way. I didn't go in the house, he brought her out. There was another car in the drive way. That of his GF I assume. Well he handed her over to me and her shirt was soaked. I asked what it was and he said "soda". As I was putting her in her car seat I got a good whif of her pants and I said "she stinks". He said " I just changed her." So I get her home and change her diaper and get her in her PJs and she is wet right throough to her t-shirt from the soda. I am fuming by now. I call xOM and tell him " I am asking very nicely, whether it was your GF or you, to please not give her so much soda. A baby sip here and there is fine, but she was soaked through to her t-shirt and that is too much." He says "ok"(but I can tell he is pissed) and I say "thank you" and hang up. I know he was not being defensive cause his GF was there and I am expecting some kind of reaction from him when I see him alone. I know I will get "she is my D too and when she is with me I will take care of her how I see fit." Please someone help me with this before I have to talk to him again.

WIB
seems you and i had a simialar day and the same result except I already got the attitude when he saw me alone.
I tend to be very picky about certain issues and he has always respected them, I have let his wife have time with her alone a few times, because she has asked and I am so trying to be nice, but this week i found out she had done something against my wishes and lets just say I didnt handle it so well.
this morning he and i fought all morning, He is very opinionated and demanding. as am I.
by this evening, we sat down and wrote list of all our issues and put things on paper, this way no one can say.. but you never said.
It wasnt pretty, but in the end, he and I worked it out.
I do understand your frustration. I am sorry I am whining when you have the crisis going on.. today just set me off. I actually cried. I dont like it when he can make me cry. Makes me mad at my self.
I think xom thinks he should still be able to dictate what I say and think and it just doesnt happen any more.. one of the drawbacks to becoming so intune all these years.
a bright side.. my husband decided he needed to talk to xom and help me instead of making me do it all alone. that was a plus. <p> Now back to you(sorry) You have the right to expect your daughter to be bathed , cleaned and dry when you pick her up and he knows better. so stand firm and just discuss it rationally when you see him next.