I don't post often as I would like to and when I do it is usually an update, or to gripe. Here is a legitimate question.
As you all probably know, my H had an affair which produced a child. We have no contact but are finacially responsible. All of the other ugly details really don't matter here, but I feel that that one does need to be mentioned. We are almost 2 years into recovery.
In my last "update" I stated that my H took on a different job, and with that comes alot of changes. The important one here is that he doesn't get a company car (we had to go out and he purchased a used one in hopes the policy may change in a year or so) and that they will be reimbursing him with the mileage and such. That will allow us to cover the car payment,insurance, and maintenance of the car.
Herein lies the dilemma. My H approached me this weekend and started talking of the account that he was going to open as a business acount. Now as I remember discussing this in the past, and he is saying that he did not agree to this, I had told him I wanted my name on the account.<p>We had an ugly fight about this.<p>His side is that it is strictly a business acount for his company car. The only checks that would go into it are those that the company is reimbursing him for the mileage and such, but also for the cash that he spends for meals and misc. spending. Everything done on a charge is done thru the company. He will let me have access to the account as far as needing to see that the money would be used for only maintaining the car.(By viewing statements and check register) But he sees no need for me to be on the account since the checks will only be written by him to maintain his car. He feels that I am trying to control another part of his life. He feels that the affair is affecting every part of our lives. He says that if the only reason that I want to be on the account is because of the affair, then he doesn't agree with that. He feels that it is more for a sense of security than a need and therefore is not a valid argument for NEEDING to be on the account.<p>My side is that we have just moved to a new place and our bank account originates from a state 9 hours away. I would like to have access to the account in case of an emergency, but realistically speaking this would be far and few between because the paycheck does go to our joint account. Honestly, I think it is a sense of security for me. We have never had separate accounts. He has told me if he was to ever want to send more than the agreed amount to the child that he would let me know. How would I know that the money he gets reimbured for from cash expenditures will go to the car? Although I will be able to see the account activity, I just feel as if he is building this secret place away from me. <p>Okay, so I do have a trust issue...but he has shown that he can lie and lie BIG! He has said that he understands that what he has done has put him in a position to be put under a microscope, but I think that he is offended that I still have him under focus. He says he doesn't want to live like this, but niether do I. Then he says, well only you have the power to change that. But I wonder, are the checks to be direct deposit? Or will he get them and then have yo deposit them? How will I be sure he is depositing them all? What if he feels he needs to send money to the baby and doesn't deposit one to keep me from being hurt further? I am so confused!!!!!!! One the one hand I want to believe him, and this would be a perfect opportunity to prove it to him, but I'm so scared to let my guard down. I missed so much before (although he just says that I didn't want to see it) I didn't see the signs of having an affair, so I feel like I need to keep everything in sight so I don't miss anything else. He says that is a sign that I do not believe he won't do it again. I think that the fact he got caught when he thought he wouldn't, and that he got her pregnant and was that stupid, humbled him enough that the wouldn't dare...but I feel the need to double check all the time because I was so obivlious to it before.<p>GOD I HATE THIS FEELING! In the past, if there had been no affair, I still probably would have ahd a problem with this, but would have been able to rationalize each fear as it came up by reminding myself that he has given me no reason to mistrust him before. (and I probably would have welcomed the fact that it was one less bill that I would have to worry about paying.)<p>Am I being overbearing? asking to much? or expecting something for the wrong reasons?<p>Thanks, in advance, for helping...
NGU<p>
[ May 20, 2002: Message edited by: Not Giving Up ]<p>[ May 20, 2002: Message edited by: Not Giving Up ]</p>

NGU,
I can certainly understand your fears but if it is a legitimate account, and you would have access to the account anyway, what difference does it make if your name is on the account or not? Think about it...if he WERE to be doing "not-so-honest" things with the money in the account he could still do it with your name on the account. If he used ATM cash withdrawals, you would never know where the money actually went except for to trust what he says he did with the money that he actually did it. The checks that he would get from his job, would they be in your name also? Probably not. So if your name was on the account, and he just cashed the check instead of depositing it, how would you know? I think this is a situation where you are going to just have to trust him. Has he done anything since D-day that would make you think he WANTS to send more money to the child? You said you guys have no contact but are financially responsible. Is that because he wants no contact or because it is necessary for the survival of your marriage? If he wants no contact I wouldn't think you were in any danger of him trying to send anything extra to the baby. JMHO<p>On a side note though, I never knew it wasn't the norm to have separate accounts. I mean, almost ALL of the married couples I know have separate accounts. Usually there is his account, her account, and a joint household account. the household account has the majority of the money of course, for bills, household/auto repair, family outings...those type things. My account is for personal maintenance...hair, nails, shopping. His account...beer, magazines,guy stuff.

In August, I took most of the money out of our joint account and put it in an account in my name only. NOw, if we divorce, H will get half. But for now, I control most of the money, and he is wining about how the money in our original joint account is dwindling. He pays all the bills from that account. I did it for a few reasons-one, he had a separate account he used to pay CS before I knew of OC. He kept it a secret for at least 6 months. He also did not tell me of visits to OC. He also refused to protect our money earned from our life together from inheritance of oC. He refuses to do that.
As I see it, I am keeping the account as it. That is what he has to do because he used our money for months to pay CS. Plus, he gets to see what money would be like if we divorce-he will not have money to live.<p>I did what i had to do to protect me, my kids, from my H's foolish decisions.<p>If having your name on account makes you feel better, do it. Your H should have nothing to say about it.Even if you never take money out of it, at least you can monitor the account any time you want. I think that is a reasonable request. <p>Do it.

NGU,<p>I have access to my fathers business account. I can sign checks, make withdrawals etc.... My name is not on the checks though. How do you think your H will feel about you just being authorized to use the account if need be? I hope this helps. I can understand why you feel this way. <p>Tee

I believe if your H was truly interested in making you feel more secure, then he would not mind having your name on this account regardless of what it is for.<p>What it is being used for is not the issue, your wanting to control him is not the issue, HIM earning your trust IS the issue. You don't trust him and that is nothing to apologize for?! Don't feel bad for saying you can't and don't trust him and he is doing nothing to help the situation, but only making it worse! That's just the facts. If he can't handle the facts, then he is still in the fog.<p>Maybe your insecurities frustrate him, but sheesh, he is the one who can actually appease his own frustrations by making you feel more secure. I don't believe you are being unreasonable. I don't believe you are trying to control him either. It seems like he is trying to sweep your feelings under the rug.<p>What if you just tell him to go ahead and do whatever he wants to do, but just let him know how it makes you feel--makes you feel insecure and suspicious even tho you understand his reasons. Your reasons are perfectly logical too, IF he is willing to step inside your shoes for a moment.

NGU,
After D-day, I insisted that my name go on as a signer on my H's business account. He had to agree, because he was gone in rehab and I was running the business while he was gone. He is home now but my name is still on there, only as a signer to the account. Like Unsure said, I can write checks for business matters, can get details from the bank to check on it, etc, but my name does not appear on the check while his does. Thats fine with me. Perhaps he would agree to this. Also does that bank have internet banking? Then you could access the account on your computer from home and check it that way, for peace of mind. It usually costs a few dollars per month to do that, but might be worth it for you. <p>My H also used this account when it was his alone to do do things with the money that I had no knowledge of and were associated with A. It didn't bother me pre-A that he had this his-only account, I trusted him. I can't do that anymore, and he will probably never have an account that I do not have access to. Its about Honesty and Openness, my top needs. However, I do know that he could potentially lie about what any money that he uses as cash would be for. That I can't control. But if I ever find out about it, BIG TROUBLE! Good luck negotiating, C

I want to thank everyone for your advice. I must say that I am a little relieved because I was feeling from what he was saying that I was being "irrational" or too "controlling". I now see that my fears are not uncommon and I am not being demanding, just reacting to the normal course of the feelings which come along with finding out you have been betrayed.
I wish that he could understand that it is not just me. Maybe it would help if he saw your responses, but I don't think it would make much of a difference. He is usually set in a decision once he makes it, my biggest fear when it comes down to alot of our major issues, but I guess that would be a different post.
Again thank you all for your support.
NGU

Hang in there and just take your concerns to God if your H is being hardheaded. Settle it with the Lord. He will resolve it, if anything, He can arrange the situation so that YOU have peace no matter what. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]