This whole affair and OC has done a number on my love for H. I valued him for his honesty, his integrity, his loyalty to me and our family, his overall uprightedness. THe A and OC has destroyed my feelings for him, my love.<p>I would like to know if others of you have felt like you lost love for H-and if it has come back. And if it has not. ANd if it did come back, how come? what made it different.

I wish that I could give you a definite answer. My H is playing games with my mind and emotions right now, and because of that I can't stand to speak his name. I loved him plenty when he was so remorseful about all of this, but now he is up to his same old tricks. All I have left are prayers and memories of a time that seemed so long ago.
I wish that I could give you something else, but I have been left with not much to give.

up for more responses. I really would like to hear from you all.

unhappywife:<p>I'm not really in the same situation, but this was my path.<p>Before I discovered my wife's affair, I was extrememly angry with her. She was doing a lousy job of meeting my needs---I was expending a big effort on meeting her needs (unfortunately off target, of course), and I was wearing out in this "one-sided" marriage. She'd probably tell you the same thing. We also were getting to be experts on lovebusting---disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts were my particular areas of expertise.<p>Once I discovered the affair, I got a feeling for how alienated my wife must have felt. It's really at that point that my "love" for my wife returned. I got to this website and read everything. Then I called Steve, and he told me to run out and buy lovebusters and read it before our next session. I could see in black and white the things that I did to kill my wife's love---I knew that I had been doing these before, but I figured that "I couldn't change"... well, I was wrong. Steve helped me make some real, substantial changes within a month or two.<p>Our marriage got much better in some ways during the affair. And when I separated, although it was hard, I really didn't lose too much love for her (although I lost hope, because she was incapable of making a decision on the status of the marriage). When she got pregnant, I knew that this was my opportunity to save the marriage---there was going to be a limited timeframe for her---she would have to end the affair or the marriage.<p>Since then, we've rebuilt our marriage to a pretty healthy state. We still have issues, but we're using the MB skills (for the most part) to address them. I'd love to tell you that the marriage is full of romantic love (the kind that Harley would like to see in a recovery)---but it's not. Until we either fix the sex issues in the marriage, or accept that it's not going to happen, then I think that tension will preclude a real intimate marriage. But there's plenty of love (the verb) in the marriage and I am optimistic that we'll get the intimacy back too. Eventually...

K, thanks for your response. I remember you saying you and wife had not had sex for 5 years-is that since the A ended? how do you manage that? I know I was not very sexual with H, and that was a major love buster for my H. I see that now, one of major reasons H sought out other women for this.
The problem is, I have become more intimate with h consistently since discovery of afffair, but he has not met my needs-not my emotional ones, not my strong need for honesty and openess. He has lied to me about major issues for the entire last year, even recently. He only this week gave up email contact with OW-he refuses to give me his password to computer accounts. It hurts me. <p>I find it hard to feel emotional or sexual with him when I am so angry and hurt with his behavior.<p>Steve and I talked yesterday about romantic love too- I really don't know if I want a marriage without it-but you clearly have done that. How has that worked for you? <p>I miss my old married feeling of loving h-it just isn't there.<p>HOw do I get it back?

UW:<p>It's basically been about 4 years since the affair has been over. It was a 1.5 year affair (no sex during then), so that's the total. It's actually been so long that I have to think about it and use my fingers to count years---that's pretty bad. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>how do you manage that?<hr></blockquote><p>When I'm not using my fingers for counting, I use them in other ways [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You're going to get your "in love" feelings back when your husband eliminates lovebusters and starts to meet those needs you have, in the way that you would like them to be met. Your sessions with Steve will focus on his efforts there---and Steve's sessions with your husband will be focused on getting him with the plan (oh yeah---it'll go in reverse too). Steve will act as an intermediary for a while, so that there's not as much chance for lovebusting when communicating needs and wants. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I really don't know if I want a marriage without it-but you clearly have done that. How has that worked for you? <hr></blockquote><p>Everyone wants romantic love in a marriage. And the Harley plan is that once you learn to create that romantic love, your marriage is relatively safe from affairs and other disasters. My wife and I no longer fight (or rarely)---we used to quarrel and spat at least a couple times a day before. We also are much better at focusing meeting each other's needs---with that glaring exception. Very little lovebusting. And we use the POJA in basically all decision-making. So our marriage is happy, definitely safe, and is a good environment for our children.<p>Where we lack is in spending time together and the sex (from my POV). My wife has told me that she damaged herself so badly by having an affair and getting pregnant that she associates sex with those horrible memories. It killed her self-esteem (which was never great to begin with---unlike me, who could stand to lose about 40 lbs of self-esteem). I believe that what she says is true---and if it is, she's got to be the one to seek out help for it. She did some counseling with Jenn Harley (she and Steve had some spats when she was actively in the affair), and it helped for everything but the sex. She also saw a therapist this year for a while---she was trying to deal with her OCD-like fear of dying (she had a stroke about 2 years ago, and the last year we had dealt with a potential brain tumor), as well as this sexual aversion issue. And the stroke and tumor thing hasn't helped (she's all clear, BTW). What I've learned to do is to look on my wife with some compassion (when I can stuff my taker in a box)---she's not 'well' and I don't think she's making these choices to punish me. I do think that she could be more aggressive in getting help, but she really needs to be the one to do that. So, the final explanation is that this works pretty well for me. I try to not take the 'no sex' issue as rejection. But I've also developed a couple of defense mechanisms that keep me at a distance (emotionally) from my wife. These help me deal with the analytical aspects of the relationship--- if my wife feels X, Y and Z about me, then why no SEX?<p>Hope it helps. Trust Steve---if the two of you are working together on this, you'll likely be extremely successful. Our main problem is that my wife has wanted to do this more "on her own", because my educating her on these issues (and all others) is a big lovebuster. So I get my educating needs worked out by educating all you folks here... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

K, you must be very good with your fingers. Ummm........<p>Anyway, I always learn so much from your posts. your wife must be crazy not to love you to death. I sense a very caring and sweet man under and beneath those fingers.<p>I hope Steve helps my H and I fall back in love. H on his mother's day card said he loved me very much-but you know what? I don't feel it,don't believe it, don't see it in actions.<p>Sadly, my kids are seeing what love is not about.<p>I hope the counseling with Steve works.