My H had short affair which led to her Pregnancy. We're working things out and our relationship is better than ever. OW has agreed to use her maiden name as childs last name, but wants to use H name as father on birth certifate. We believe she really wants to protect me & my children and to avoid a scandal at work. (we are communicating via e-mail, but have never met or talked) She and I are getting along 'fine', but here's my concern. She and husband both work at the hospital where she will deliver in August. If he is listed as father, won't this get out? She seems to think no one will see it, but he knows people in medical records. He is not sure whether he wants a relationship with the baby and does NOT want a relationship of any kind with OW. Thank goodness!!I am doing all communicating with her. Also, she will need the birth certificate for shots, starting school, drivers license, marriage license, passport, etc.
The child will therefore know who the father is and wonder why he has no relationship with her. We want what is best for the child and of course our 3 children. We have told her we will pay child support and help in any way she needs for us to. <p>If she puts him as father and word gets out, we may as well tell our families. Then what? Do we have a relationship with the child? Will my children be glad they have a sibling or resentful that their father had an affair?<p>Any advice on using his name on birth certificate would be greatly appreciated.<p>All of your posts have really helped me get through this.
Thanks

BB
I am glad to see you communicating for the well with the mother of this child and want to help support her.
I know this cant be easy and you will get alot of advice about what not to let this woman do. I do feel you ont have a choice to put his name on the birth certificate. This can be done in court and your husband will have NO choice.. He can sign his visitation rights away and you will not have to ever see the child.
Yes the child will have questions as he/she gets older and the mother will have to answer those accordingly.
You may change your mind and support your husband in a relationship. Many things will change between now and the birth.
Telling family is another issue.. I personally feel the granparents have a right to know and choose if they want in my D life. If they dont, we wont lose sleep, but we have been honest with all and it took an tremendous stress off of us. <p> In the state I live in... she can not just add his name he will need to sign the birth certificate. SHE can however give him any name as a last name that he wants. It is her right to do so. The bio father of my D wants his last name on the birth certificate and is very demanding that she have it, his wife seems to want this as well. But I think it is more so about not likeing my husband than it is for her well being.. but I could be wrong.
My children love there sister and wouldnt want to be with out her.. but they saw me pregnant and would have been devistated to watch the baby grow and then me give her away. They are all very close as are the rest of my family. After all she is beautiful.
You might suprise your self, XOM's wife loves her dearly and says she has brought many joys to her life, She treats her like gold when she has her, and spoils her as much as the rest of us.
She suprised herself in doing this, at first she forbid her husband to see baby, which he did any way, when he came out in the open to every one, he ended up with the respect of many people who knew he ran away at first. They lost a few friends as well, but they werent really friends.
OM has children my age, so the feelings were different, one is crazy about jen and is the sweetest person you would want to meet. Her D is not as receptive, and it will take time.
sounds to me as if you are thinking of all options, dont pass everything off as a definate NO, you may suprise your self as well.
some women on here have ended up being a better parent to the oc than her own mother.
I say keep the lines of communication open and wait and see what you can work out.
dont make definate choices, before looking at all options. Then when you make a decision what ever it may be. Stand by it, and go on with your life and know you did what you could do at the time.
good luck

mof<p>Thank you so much for your advice. I know your situation is a little different from mine, but it still helps to hear your side.<p>Another thing I am wondering is this. OW is divorced with 2 children. She is living with a Doctor, but I'm not sure what their relationship is. She called my H at work the other day. He said she sounded a lot better and happier than she did the last time he talked to her. She told him that the Dr was letting them live with him. He has a huge house and they have just recently moved in with him. My husband knows she has had trouble paying her bills in the past. My concern is that she is having my H child and we are therefore responsible for the babies wellbeing. What would be our chances of getting custody of the baby if we feel she is unfit. Any advice would be appreciated.

butterflybonanza,<p>I'd suggest that you talk to a lawyer concerning your questions. In most states, the OW has no right to list anyone but her husband as the father (I believe). And just because she puts your husband's name down doesn't make it so. Paternity must be established by DNA typing. You can do this cooperatively, or she can sue your husband (or vice versa, in most states) to do the testing. You really need to get a good lawyer and work this stuff out.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>What would be our chances of getting custody of the baby if we feel she is unfit.<hr></blockquote><p>What you "feel" has very little to do with it. In general (in most states), the mother has to be extremely "unfit" to have the child taken away from her. In other words, if she's a heroine junkie who sells herself and crack cocaine to support her habit, and left the baby for hours in a locked car while she was shooting---you'd have about a 50% chance. If YOU wanted to raise the child, you'd need to try to start from the very beginning incorporating this child in your life. Attempting to get shared physical custody (which is pretty rare for divorced parents, let alone "affair" parents) would be your best bet. It's probably very unlikely that the OW would agree to this, unless you had the best interests of her and the child in your heart. And it's going to be tough to demonstrate that if your true intentions are to attempt to take this child away from her.<p>You really need to define "unfit". Unfit doesn't mean "not as good as me". It means that the child's wellbeing will be very much in danger. My guess is that this isn't the case.<p>Go to a good family lawyer and discuss your concerns, and let them help.

Hello,
Your H has to sign the BC. OTherwise, she can't put his name on the BC. And I would get a DNA test done before your H signs the BC. You never know she might be lying about the baby being your H.<p>About Custody of the baby I would consult a lawyer on this.<p>Dawn

BB
every one is right she cant sign your husbands name to anything, that would have to be if she went to court. I just meant she can name the baby any name she wants to.. If she goes to court for support, The judge will add your husbands name to the certificate after dna testing has been done. Never rule out that she could be mistaken.
SHE is a single mother or is she married? If she is married her husbands name was added automaticly.
Unfit parents are hard to prove, my adopted daughter was given back to an unfit mother three times, and after sever physical and mental abuse, they finally realized this would not work.
If she is a good parent and wants to keep the baby, Then your best bet is to cut off all contact or make your selves available to work along with her for the good of the baby. <p> If she is having trouble, maybe she would consider you having custody and her visits, it happens.. I just want you to consider everything, open to you and then by all means contact an attorney. I do wish you luck.

Here where we are, ow is married but put h's name on birth cert.
I wanted it off and we negotiated that while arranging cs. H also wanted her H to use his name.
Our lawyer told us IF we went to court a judge would vote in the best interest of the child and that would mean having same last name as ow's other kids.
Hope that helped.
love
Debi

Thanks to everyone who posted.<p>I really do want what is best for the child. I would even raise her and love her as my own if it came down to that. I guess I'm just not ready for everyone to find out what my Husband did to me. Am I being selfish? If everyone finds out, I say we may as well become involved with her. So far OW and I are corresponding via e-mail and get along fine. If we could get along this well after the child is born it would be great. Well, not great in that this every happened, but great that we could get along. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

If we could get along this well after the child is born it would be great. Well, not great in that this every happened, but great that we could get along. <p> Worse things could happen, we have managed to do it, and things are nicer with out all the stress and such, In fact His wife invited me to lunch the other day with my D and it was very nice, a little awkward, but we managed.
If and I say IF because many on here will tell you it is a bad idea. But if you want a relationship with this child, it is better for all involved, if every one can be mature and polite, so the children feel safe and loved.

my sister had a relationship which resulted in a child, neither person was married, but the bio father did not want anything to do with her or the child. when it came to filling out the birth certificate she filled in his info--no problem --didnt need his ok on it. she wanted it on, because someday the child will have questions and she felt she needed to be honest and not hide who the father is.
fh

full house<p>It's not that I don't want the child to know, when she is older, who her father is, I just don't want to deal with it becoming public now. They both work in the hospital where she will deliver and believe me, word of these things gets around the hospital fast. So far she has told no one who the father is and seems to be trying to protect all involved. I respect her for that and really do appreciate it.<p>mom of five<p>Thank you for letting me know that a relationship with OW and OC can work out. If news of the affair and child get out, I "think" I would want a relationship with oc. She will be a part of my husband and a sibling to my 3 wonderful children. I'm concerned about how the news will effect my 3 children emotionally and wonder mostly if they will have hard feelings toward their father, or will their knowing that I forgive him make a difference in how well they accept everything.

I put MM's name on birth certificate and used MM's last name for OC without MM's permission... In CA it was allowed...<p>Now, 20 years later if you ask me would I do it differently--YES! I would have asked MM's permission first of all.<p>Looking back, it was not the right decision to name my son a different name than mine and my family's. Caused too much identity crisis problems inside of him, which he did not discuss with me until he was a teen. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Not to worry, GOD has a plan for the unplanned. Hang in there, I'm sure you will make the right decision for your marriage and for your situation. If I were you, I wouldn't allow what others do or say to detemine what you will do. Think of your family and your marriage first. Who cares about his coworkers. You can't stop coworkers from talking whether they know what they are talking about or not! Forget about them! I had to when I went through my drama! (Have DEFINITELY been there...)<p>You know, if I was a young girl who had been raped or perhaps made a mistake with the wrong guy and wound up pregnant, perhaps there would have been more mercy toward me. But to find yourself a pregnant "other woman" is just such a disgrace and there is not a lot of unconditional love for someone like me. Still, I faced the shame of being an unwed (OW) mom, although I didn't broadcast my circumstances, it was bad enough being pregnant and alone in front of my coworkers. And they ALL wanted to know WHOSE baby it was.<p>There are other men in the world with your H's name so she can put whoever she wants on the birth certificate. When it comes to CS tho, don't pay a dime until you have proof! That's when the truth really comes out.<p>Sorry to ramble. Good luck in your situation.

BB<p> I do understand your concerns about gossip and such, I had the same issues, except ME , H and OM all worked in the same company, just a large company, but every one new OM. AND me, because I was his right hand..so to speak, But this lasted so many years, I think there would have been many suprised if we werent a couple. But gossip was always present. You learn to ignore it, those who are your friends, stay your friend and those who werent, go away and life goes on. and after a couple of months when every one has there fill of gossip, someone else does something stupid and they move on to the next subject.
SAD but that is the way life is and it is the same in most every large company. <p> YOUR children, will learn from you.. if you dislike and hate the child, they will as well, because after all you are mom. If you show love and compassion.. so will your children and they will grow to love oc as there sister and not worry about the other crap. Because children love unconditionally, we adults are the ones that mess that up.
Although upset that this happened my children love their sister and wouldnt have it any other way. They have learned from our actions and try and be postitve about all involved. <p> If this woman is just having a Having a hard time once in a while and is truly not a bad mother.. your best bet is to work with her not against her.... as a mother, I would come out fighting if someone dared wanted my child just so they didnt have to deal with me... not meant to offend.. just want you to see what she may feel.
YOU will know what to do when the time comes.. but again, dont do anything till you know for sure. Make sure it is your husbands baby.
Telling family is a hard thing to do and a big struggle.. My family loves me no matter what.. so we all got over it, MY husbands family is not close to him, my family is his family.. so they were supportive to us both. <p> Now this is sort of long but one more thing and I will let you go.
OM's wife has learned to handle all of this well I would say better than I would have ever thought, she didnt do well till after the first year.. I guess she woke up and thought he has the need to see this baby and be part of her life and he may resent me later.. so she did a 180 and has been trying ever since. Most thnk she is a amazing to stay and love this child and sometimes I think so as well, she works very hard to make sure I am respected as D's mother and H is daddy.. Now that is a big one to swallow and some can not do that. SO yes I would say you have a hard road, but it can be done.
I aske his W why she was doing this and she said she couldnt keep the hate any more it wasnt good for her and then once she saw D for the first time she couldnt believe how she felt, she had wanted to remain ion the side and not interfere with his relationship.. she was not going to love her. But she melted and as been involved ever since. SHE and I have earned to work together for the good of D. I believe she truly loves my Daughter.

bintheredunthat & mom of five<p>Thank you so much for your posts. It really does help to hear from the OW point of view. I would never want to do anything to hurt ow or oc. My H is not sure he wants a relationship with the oc. It is painful for him to be reminded of what he did to me. I on the other hand am the one who feels that he will regret not knowing his child. I have emailed the OW several times and she still doesn't want to meet me. I really do think she feels horrible about what she has done. I know I would if the situation were reversed.
She has answered all of my questions by email and has reassured me that my H loves me very much and never meant for A to go as far as it did.<p>I emailed her and asked her not to use his name on birth certificate, but she hasn't responded yet. Keep us in your prayers that we will make the right decisions for all involved.

give her some time, she may be having trouble figuring out what to do. <p> I think the fact that you are not being combative will help her to make the decision a little better.

Hello
About his name being on the BC it depends in what state you are in and what are there laws. Here in WI you can't put the father's name on the BC unless he signs it. I would definetly check into it. You can call child support services and they will tell you how it works. You can give whatever last name you want for the baby without the father's permission.<p>
Dawn<p>[ June 03, 2002: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</p>

In MN where I am from, if you are not M, as my H and I were with our first 2 children, he signed papers in the hospital stating that the child was his. It is legal and binding. This was started to free up the courts of the cases where the paternity is not being contested. I was asked what last name to give the baby and I stated H. He was not asked for permission.