My husband and I have been having problems since our daughter was born in 2002. Since April 2004 we are living separately. We are both gainfully employed and both work full time. We own our own home and have done lots of work on it and have a good deal invested in it. We have tons of mutual interests. Dirt biking, baseball, hiking, mountain biking canoeing, camping and lots of other stuff. When we met we were best friends and fell in love with how much we enjoyed each others company and the fact that we both like the same sort of things.

Here's the problem. We don't always see eye to eye on everything and he thinks that means that we shouldn't be together. Any argument is grounds for divorce. He's rather melodramtic, but then again, I'm not much better. I can be very emotional needy. We don't seem to have a lot of patience for each other and we tend to snap at each other. If we've had a bad day we take it out on each. I truly believe that if we adopt an attitude of postive thinking and put forth the best effort we can, we can make a truly magical marriage. Unfortunately my husband is not of this mind set. He is influenced by friends and family that continually tell him that he would be better off without me. I cannot understand this. None of them live near him and I honestly don't think that they are putting my child's interests before my husbands. Yes my husband should be happy. Yes I should be happy. Shouldn't my daughters welfare come first. If we have the opportunity that I believe we do have to make a loving happy home for our daughter shouldn't that be more important that our own selfish needs. Why would anyone tell my husband that he would be better off without his wife and child, especially if we love him the way we do. I have not always seen eye to eye with his family. They can be very dysfunctional and his parents are the result of a divorce. My parents have been married for 37 years. What can I do to help my husband understand that not everyone has his best interests at heart. How can I make him see that my daughter and myself need him and we want him to do everything he can to make this work and that it is possible.

At this point in time, due to these outside influences, he has been trying to sabatoge our relationship. He tries to verbally abuse me every chance he gets, but I know he is remorseful afterwards. He apologizes. Yet the behaviour continues. I think he believes that if he can drive me away that it will all just end and we'll all be better off. This is just the bizarest way of thinking I have ever heard.

I've attempted to invited him to return to some of the basic activities that caused us to fall in love in the first place. We've joined a baseball team and we really enjoyed ourselves. After the game he distanced himself for fear of a fight. (there was nothing to argue about) I don't understand why he assumes the worst all the time. I know that time and patience are crucial at this time. Is there anything else that I could be doing. My daughter misses him terribly and I miss him more than anything. I miss our friendship. I miss our talks and I just miss having him there. I tell him all of this but he is not convinced that we can make it work.

I should add that we have had some really terrible fights where we've physcially hurt each other. We've both hit each other, and frustration was the cause of this. There is no excuse for this behaviour. Unfortunately, my husband thinks that I am responsible. I can't believe how easily he forgets his contribution. I don't know if this is his way of coping, but he truly elminates himself of any responsiblity for his actions and constantly throws in my face that I hit him. Almost like he never layed a hand on me, even though he was very agressive and struck me as well. He was equally as phycially abusive, but he has selective memory. I refuse to throw his actions in his face because this serves no purpose. I just don't know how to get him to stop doing this to me. I am truly sorry for ever hitting him. I know that we doesn't want to talk about it because he's ashamed of his actions. So I think to cope he blames me. "If I didn't ..... then he wouldn't have .....). Hitting was NEVER a factor in our relationshiop until our recent problems began and we've been together since 1997. Please help me. Frustrated in B.C.

Since April 2004 we are living separately.
Why are you living separately?

No, your daughter's interests should not come first. That is the cause of MANY failed marriages, putting the children first. You should nurture your relationship with you r hsuband first, because that is what will keep your family together, and that will give her the security she needs to thrive. Focus on her, you lose the marriage. Happens every day.

I suggest reading "Fall in Love, Stay in Love". Your vision for a great marriage sounds pretty pie-in the sky to me. Looking on the bright side almost led me to slide backwards into the black pit of divorce, all while looking at the beautiful blue sky. Positive thinking alone will not do it. You need to take action. FIL/SIL will give you a better idea of what kind of concrete steps to take to save your marriage without neglecting your daughter.

Well, it's not gotten any better. We are still separated. Everywhere I read, the problem seems to be infidelity. This does not even begin to describe what I am going through. My husband is in complete withdrawl. He chooses to live away from us. He wants to be left alone, he does not contact me by phone or any other means, and if I contact him he gets completely irritated. He is NOT having an affair, I can guarantee this. He is not interested in other women or starting another relationship.

He only sees our daughter once or twice a week and he's told me that this is just fine. He was brought up this way and this should be good enough for our daughter. Yet he is completely consumed by his pursuit of a relationship with his father, who left him and his four siblings when he was 6 years old. He gets very angry when I bring this subject up. We had planned a family vacation for the middle of October for 1 week to go visit his dad. When he moved out, he went in to his work and booked an additional week. So basically when he has to spend time with us it's 1 week and when it's by himself, it's 2 weeks.

He's taken to caring around a tape recorder and recording our conversations. He's become totally paranoid and delusional. He's left me in our house alone, I do all the renovations that he's left un-finished. I've finished puttying, sanding and painting the entire house. He pays the mortgage and never comes to the house. He's in no hurry to finalize anything and yet he doesn't work on fixing anything either. One minute he's recording our conversations, the next minute he's telling me that he's got a number for a counsellor that we can go to free of charge through a local college and he wants me to call them because I'm so good at it.

I have never been so confused in my life. Are we truly incompatible. Are his core beliefs so completely different from mine that we could never make this work. Or do we have the biggest road ahead and am I really up for the biggest challenge of my life. Every single friend and family in our lives have told us both to move on. I can't believe how little the support is for us to make it work. We have so much to lose and it's not just money. We have been together 8 years, we've had some really exceptionally good times, we have a beautiful daughter, we have a beautiful home that we own. We both have full time jobs that we love and are committed to.

Well, it's not gotten any better. We are still separated. Everywhere I read, the problem seems to be infidelity. This does not even begin to describe what I am going through. My husband is in complete withdrawl. He chooses to live away from us. He wants to be left alone, he does not contact me by phone or any other means, and if I contact him he gets completely irritated. He is NOT having an affair, I can guarantee this. He is not interested in other women or starting another relationship.

He only sees our daughter once or twice a week and he's told me that this is just fine. He was brought up this way and this should be good enough for our daughter(although HIS dad NEVER came to visit him and his siblings). Yet he is completely consumed by his pursuit of a relationship with his father, who left him and his four siblings when he was 6 years old. He gets very angry when I bring this subject up. We had planned a family vacation for the middle of October for 1 week to go visit his dad. When he moved out, he went in to his work and booked an additional week. So basically, when he has to spend time with us it's 1 week and when it's by himself, it's 2 weeks. I grew up in a pretty tradtional house-hold. My mom and dad are still together after 37 years of marriage and they are best friends. To this day I envy their friendship and what they've built together.

He's taken to caring around a tape recorder and recording our conversations. He's become totally paranoid and delusional. He's left me in our house alone, I do all the renovations that he's left un-finished. I've finished puttying, sanding and painting the entire house. He pays the mortgage and never comes to the house. He's in no hurry to finalize anything and yet he doesn't work on fixing anything either (by that I mean relationship/communication). One minute he's recording our conversations, the next minute he's telling me that he's got a number for a counsellor that we can go to free of charge through a local college and he wants me to call them because I'm so good at it.

I have never been so confused in my life. Are we truly incompatible. Are his core beliefs so completely different from mine that we could never make this work. Or do we have the biggest road ahead and am I really up for the biggest challenge of my life. Every single friend and family in our lives have told us both to move on. I can't believe how little the support is for us to make it work. We have so much to lose and it's not just money. We have been together 8 years, we've had some really exceptionally good times, we have a beautiful daughter, we have a beautiful home that we own. We both have full time jobs that we love and are committed to.

I truly believe that if my husband does not receive constant approval and recognition for every little thing that he does, he believes that there's nothing in this marriage for him. When my daughter was born, everything changed for us. I became more focused on my daughter and he completely withdrew. He was even jealous of the babies showers that were thrown for me. Some days I think he wants to make it work, other days I don't think he's interested at all. I just don't get a committment from him. What am I going to do. He's very distant and of course not living with me is a huge problem. What can I do. I can't make him live here, I can't make him want his marriage to work. I can't make him call me. Should I have just said that I would call the counsellor? I told him to call and let me know. I told him that if it was important to him then he would call and make an appointment. I have always made all the arrangements for anything we've ever done together. Was I wrong. Should I have taken the info? I don't want to be his mother, I don't want to take care of everything all the time. I'm taking care of the house, the baby, & working full time. How much can I be expected to take? Please help me

I mean no disrespect from this comment, but has your husband seen a phsychiatrist or any doctor for any of these internal conflicts that he appears to be fixated on?

The physical abuse between the two of you has to end period. Never let anyting escalate to that point again. If you have to... be the bigger person and walk away. If you can't force youself to walk away, then maybe you should look into some counseling as well.

I agree to a point with the statement above about the children being the most important in a relationship. They need to be cared for and nurtured without a doubt. If you don't nurture and care for them, they may grow up warped, confused, and abusive themselves. On that same note, if you don't nurture and care for your relationship with your husband it will fail.

Maybe some of the others on here can lend some better advice. I'm new here, and don't know too much yet. Hope it works out for you.