A year after D day, I still have visions of OW with my H, sexually. It happened again the other night-we make love, then afterward I feel incredible sadness, start to cry, can't get any comfort from H. He feels incredibly useless, then gets mad at me for feeling awful and claims he doesn't compare me to OW-but since I know he liked sex with her, or whatever, I feel so upset with H when we make love.Doesn't help he had sex with her in our room, our bed, and never explained why he thought it was o.k to do it.<p>I told him I want to know why he thought it was o.k to bring her into our home, our bedroom. No response-just gets mad.<p>My question-did anyone of you feel this way, and how or what have you done about it? <p>Just having sex with H makes me realize that he should have spent time with me working on our sexual life instead of getting hooked up with OW-and causing all this pain. It angers me no end. I feel angry and sad with him often at this time.Do any of you also?

I feel exactly the same way you do. The sex has been wonderful (d-day was only 10 weeks ago) but I can't help wondering who H is thinking about. He says the same thing - that he's not comparing us but little things he says and does indicate that that is not true. He just gets mad too. I just keep thinking that at least it's me he's making love to and not her. It's hard but that's all I've got at the moment.<p>We're trying to work through all of this and I also get mad. I've said to him a thousand times - why couldn't you have just talked to me before all of this instead of sleeping with someone else. We could have worked things out then and it would have been so much easier than to have the added mess of the affair to clean up. I honestly think H felt he was justified in having an affair because of what I wasn't giving him. I tried though but he wouldn't let me in to find out what it was I wasn't doing. I think it was "pay-back" on his behalf.<p>I don't know what makes them think they can bring the OW into our homes. That just added insult to everything else they had done. To make it worse, we have a two year old daughter who they conveniently put down for a sleep so that they could be together. I don't care what is going on in someone's heart and mind - how could they EVER think that that was a morally sound thing to do? OW would actually come around and spend time with MY daughter when I wasn't home. It's bad enough that she was trying to steal my H but knowing she had contact with my daughter makes my blood boil. I don't want her to be exposed to the immorality, lies and deception that were happening let alone to bring them into our home and force them on her. I guess she is too young to understand and for that I will be eternally grateful. It's heartbreaking for me though when we go to H's work and my daughter asks to see OW (they work together). My heart broke the first time that happened. My H didn't believe me and said I must have told her to say that....as if. I never want her to see my daughter again so why would I be talking to my daughter about her?<p>I hold hope that one day all the pain will have disappeared but I don't know if that is realistic or not. There have been so many lies and so much betrayal. So many things make it so much worse than just sleeping with someone else. I guess that's what makes it so hard to get through all of this. I'm trying though. <p>You might like to read a post in "Just found out" called "not good enough". In particular, read the responses from mamaduck. They inspired me and hopefully will do the same for you.<p>HRO<p>[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: heartrippedout ]<p>[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: heartrippedout ]</p>

Yes, I also feel that way. Sometimes I don't feel it coming on and I end up crying for almost a day. My H also took my former best friend into my bedroom. So when I found out last summer (6 years later, they both lied)....I switched bedrooms around, bought all new furniture, carpeting, etc. That helped somewhat but it's also a constant reminder as we are now sleeping in my former sewing room. Sometimes I get up in the night and walk back to our old bedroom out of habit.<p>I can't imagine anybody being low enough to go into another woman's bedroom. To me it's beyond selfish. Especially when the other woman was your matron of honor 6 mos earlier. I've stopped trying to figure it out as I know now it will NEVER make sense.<p>And I also wonder if we will ever really have a good love life again. The weird part is he told a mutual friend that he had no need to ever go elsewhere for sex, as he had a great sex life at home. Well, I don't know if that will ever come back. Of course he was lying to the friend at the time, as he was intimate with OW.<p>Somehow we'll make it! I know God won't let us down.

Dear UnhappyWife
I can see how being in your bed would cause nightmares for you. How unbelievably cruel.<p>I had thoughts at first but they ended soon.<p>H and I have resumed a happy fulfilling sex life. <p>H said many times to me making love to your wife is soooo sensual compared to an ow. How guilt set in as soon as climax was reached (at least for him).<p>Sex to him with her was more like an x-rated movie w/actors doing their thing.<p>OW also filled his checkbook each time.<p>It's x-rated w/us to...heh...heh... but no act here.<p>That is what made the thoughts go away and not having them in our bed helped too!
I hope you move things around or move. ugh...<p>love
Debi

To all, yes, your comments ring so true.The thing is , during sex, H wants now to try new things. I can't help but think he did stuff with OW, or she liked things I didn't or don't, etc. and he is disappointed with me.<p>I feel our lovemaking is more like acting than love making. Like maybe how he was with OW-it started out about sex for both, then became a more emotional/love A-and at times, I feel as if I could be anyone in bed, not his wife.<p>It saddens me no end.<p>I can't move, unless I leave the area. Can't afford to move out of present home, don't have another bedroom to move into. I have thought of adding new bedroom to our home and give our old bedroom to my oldest child, thought.<p>I hate also fact that OW knew my 3 kids and also had her OC interacting with my children.My kids know OW too. know I do not like OW now-children keep asking me why- I finally told my oldest, age 11, that she wanted to have my children's father as her boyfriend and she was trying to break up our family.Truth, but not the whole truth.That has seemed to make my 11 year old understand why I don'[t want anything to do with OW or OC.<p>I hate all this.

Unhappy wife {{{ hugs}}}
it saddens me to read your posts mainly because I have no wisdom to offer you, so I leave that to the other wonderful ladies here.<p>I guess I feel somewhat fortunate that Doc and the OW were limited to very brief less than half hour encounters the 4 times they were together, which left him extremely guilt ridden, so as he puts it their encounters were very "white bread", nothing like ours...I still have that as my own<p>When I went house hunting with Doc in the city in which I am about to move to, I had to sleep in the bed that they were together in...it didnt hit me till about the 3rd day and I quietly moved to the couch to cry. Doc was aware of this and felt pretty helpless on what to do, he said he wanted to grab a blanket and come sleep on the floor next to me.
I'm looking forward to having our own home and bedroom which no other woman has tainted.<p>You somehow need to reclaim your sex life as your own, be it by setting the mood with candles, music or a bath before hand and taking the initiative.

<p>[ June 26, 2002: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</p>

Tina, I hope your wedding of daughter goes beautifully, and keep out memories of ugly old A and oW out of your head. Did daughter relent and agree to let H walk her down isle? Have a nice wedding.

<p>[ June 26, 2002: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</p>