Will try to keep the story short as I can - I'm 29 and have been married 5.5 years, no children. Over this time, my husband became very religious and more conservative in his views. This started limiting my life more and more even to the point where he was telling me what to wear (e.g. no sleeveless tops). In addition to that, when we got married, he told me he had 1.5 years left to finish Uni, it took him 5 years. 5 years where I supported him through every crisis and where I worked full-time (I already had my degree), at 1 stage 2 jobs. Now he has been unemployed for 8 months and went even deeper into religion. Through Uni, my husband is in a fraternity and as I had moved from Australia to Europe (to be with him), the people we know through the frat. became one of our main source of a social circle and I made some good friends with some of his 'frat. brothers'. In November we went to a vernisage at an art gallery of one of our friends, and I had a long conversation with one of these guys who then went to the U.S. to finish his studies. In April/May he returned for 'spring-break' and we met up again at a dinner and a few parties. After he returned to the States again, we stayed in contact. Becoming more and more unhappy in my marriage, I started becoming really depressed and have not slept in over 3 months. All my husband could say was 'snap out of it'. I then called a good friend of mine in NY who suggested that I take a few days off work and visit her to recharge. I told my new friend that I was coming over and he met me in NY. I was a bit afraid of this whole idea as he had told me that he had feelings for me (which I have as well) and was worried that he might want to have an affair which I would not agree to and then lose his friendship. In NY my sleeping habits did not get any better and I spent one night drowning my sorrows in a bottle of vodka. I spent time with my NY friends as well as my new friend who was the perfect gentleman and didn't even hold my hand. I came home with a decision to divorce so that I could start a new life. I mean, I have no children who would suffer and I no longer feel that I love my husband. He ofcourse went off the wall and words came up like egocentric monster and that I'm leaving him when he is down and out etc. He then called both of our sets of parents and talked to my grandparents and everyone went mad at me and what an embarrassment I am to the family should I get divorced. I am lucky enough to have a good support network through my friends even though they are scattered all over the world. I don't know what to do. Have booked myself an appointment with a psychologist... any advice would be really appreicated. Thank you!

Hi, I'm not a believer in staying in an unhappy marriage, especially when there are no children to consider. But not all marriages should continue. Maybe you ARE a selfish monster. But I doubt it. I think you are a very giving person, a very generous wife. You wrote that you supported your H through university for 5 years. And YOU'RE selfish?

My guess: he wants a meal ticket, one who he can control and dictate to. The religious conservatism - especially when you're not raising kids - aligns him with the Higher Power, and you are supposed to let him make the decisions for the both of you.

Go to the Emotional Needs section of the MB boards and read up. He's not meeting your emotional needs but wants to browbeat you into staying with him.

You're only 29. From your vantage point, that seems old. From mine, you're just starting out. You've given the marriage 5-1/2 years. Do you think your husband is now going to loosen up the reins, rethink his position on letting you wear the clothes that look good on you, follow a Policy of Joint Agreement about religion? Hmm?

You didn't enter into your marriage with a conservative religious philosophy, it wasn't part of the deal. It may work for your husband's life, but you're not living in a Muslim country where the man sets the rules and the woman is property.

I'm religiously conservative. My H isn't. I go to church, our son goes with me. H doesn't go. That's fine with me. I knew he wasn't religious when I married him. He is entitled to believe or not, practice or not, and it's not my right to force a religiion on him.

What does your heart of hearts tell you? I think you know. I think you have already decided to leave your marriage. I support you in that decision. Get some counseling to see you through.

FYI, I decided to stay in a loveless marriage. But we have a child. And I'm a lot older than you. Staying was right for me. It's not right for everyone.

Be good to yourself.

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</small>