Here's my dilemma ... my husband and I married 3 years go. I have no children and he has 3 + 2 step children. A few of the children (which are all grown: ages 32 thru 40) had problems with us due to our age difference but that seems to no longer be an issue as they know we love each other dearly. Now to the real issue ... the Ex-wife. Our first year of marriage I had to spend Christmas with his Ex-wife and I find that to be a problem. His children are grown adults and I feel that we can spend Christmas with them on one day and they can spend it with her the other day. Christmas Eve, Christmas Day I don't care which. I just don't want to spend our holidays with his Ex-wife. Is my request unfair? It even got to the point that my husband lied to me and told me that his daughter said that if his X couldn't be there then they (the kids) would not spend Christmas with us. I found out a few days later that that was a LIE. She never said that ... he made it all up. Why does he feel it so important that we have to spend time with her or even be in her presence? He says it's because he doesn't have anything against her. They have been divorced for over 20 years and I just don't know what to think. I feel uncomfortable being around his X and if often leads to arguments when I talk about it, but he will not budge on his thought process. He thinks I am wrong. My family understands how I feel. This is very hard for me. Am I Wrong?

I must tell you first off I have NO experience with Ex's & step families, etc.

Now, I don't think you are wrong, but that doesn't mean I think your husband is wrong either. I don't see as right vs wrong, just a difference of opinions.

Have you read all the Basic Concepts? (there is a link at the top of each page) Read about the POJA - Policy of Joint Agreement. Basically it says not to do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. It may be difficult to get your husband to buy into it. Try to present it as finding a win-win solution - one you can both agree to with enthusiasm. Brainstorm away - put all ideas, no matter how far fetched, on the table and try to find a solution.

HTH

You can't just think of her as the ex-wife. Grown or not, this is still the kids mother. Your husband probably just feels that on the holidays, it is best to put old wounds aside for the sake of family. You also have to ask, did they do this before you were married? If so, they shouldn't have to change their family traditions. You should calmly talk to your husband about this and suggest a way to make you feel more comfortable. You don't want to start a family feud with the kids in the middle. You need to understand why she makes you feel so uncomfortable before you speak to your husband so he will understand himself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by scarru01:
<strong> You also have to ask, did they do this before you were married? If so, they shouldn't have to change their family traditions. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, the answer to that question is ... No.
They never spent any Holidays together.

No it is not an unfair request. It's highly unusual for this type of family relationship to ocurr. It might be great if everyone involved was comfortable with it but you aren't and he shouldn't pretend you can be some big happy family when you do net feel the same. I don't think it is selfish, I think you are being driven to an extreme with having to carry out the holidays with her.

Me, I would say it is your family and you have a right to spend it together as a family, without having to add anyone you feel uncomfortable with, she is in your step kids lives not in u and your husbands, and the holidays should be spent with those you love, and I can't imagine you love her especially if you had no past together. I think it's imperative he respect your wishes.

due to our age difference
What is your age difference?

I just don't want to spend our holidays with his Ex-wife. Is my request unfair?
No, it is not unfair.

Why does he feel it so important that we have to spend time with her or even be in her presence? He says it's because he doesn't have anything against her.
He doesn't have anything against me but I don't hear him asking to come over to my house on New Years Day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Seriously though, are the kids (32-40?) there also? Or is ith just you and him and his ex?