Three days ago we fought agian for the ? time and now it's looking like the end. Our relationship has been a roller coaster for about three years. We have come close to splitting but always managed to make it back from the edge.
I'm the one guilty of letting it slide back into the low points most of the times although she will admit she's done her share of it to. I've read everything on the web site ( plus a couple others ) and it seems like someone was watching us then wrote up this plan just for us. So many of things we've done wrong to each other is right there on the page. My problem is after so many ups and downs she says it doesn't matter what we do that we'll just end up like this agian. She seems to have lost all hope. we have alot of outside pressures on us already ( employment problems, a blended family w/5 children, a half finished home addtion thats on hold, a problem all in its own,and now this... agian). I don't want to lose my wife and my family but i've broken her tust too often in the past for her to see any hope.
She mentioned a temp. seperation but I'm afraid this will lead to adultry wich hasn't happened so far. Of that i'm pretty sure. I don't want to hold on so tight I smother her and actully drive her father away. Yet I'm afraid of what could happen. I don't think i'm strong enought to forgive adultry. I've shown her the MB site ( she spent 2 minutes looking at it) and made an appointment w/ MC ( siad she'd go but it was waste fo time and money)
I need some hope, ideas, prayers, and anything else that will help me show her how much she means to me.

thanks to all

S.

This sounds quite like my husband and I and I am having trouble believing we can work it out. You have to ask yourself if she has decided to end it yet. I am not saying you shouldn't try, but it might help if you look at the relationship from her point of view. Try asking her what the relationship looks like to her and how it makes her feel. Ask her how she feels about what has happened to your lives. You may be surprised. It is always worth trying to save a marriage. She needs to understand that you feel this marriage is worth saving and that she is worth any amount of time and money.

Thanks for the reply Scarru
We have talked about the problems in ourlife many times and a lot the last couple of days. Like I said we've been up and down alot the last couple of years so we both know alot of what the other is feeling. I haven't been very good about putting myself in her shoes though. Lots of the solutions here at MB are things we have tried although not all at once or with this much detail. Mostly we'd come up with the answers, make promisees to one another, and then after awhile one of us would slide back in to our old bad habbits( I'm more guilty of that than her). Once one of us slips the other just stops trying and the descent begins.We been on this roller coaster for about 4-5 years with it cycling about every 3-6 months.
She's to the point of believing there is no way anything can bring us back together. She's read the summary of basic concepts and agree's that our love bank is empty, but doesn't seem to want to take one more chance. I have a strong taker and I am resonsible for letting it go this far. She tells me it's not all my fault and I know that's true but I carry more of it than her. The thing that scares me the most is I almost believe she's right. That in 6 months I'll get lazy and slipback in to old habbits.With that weighing heavly on me my hope and determenation is wearing thin. It's been less than a week and I'm running out of positive things to say. I don't know what else to say to convince her. She'll say we've tried before and nothing worked. When I point out we haven't ever tried something like this that is structured and written down with hard and certin rules to follow she says we've tried and failed too many times. Should I back off and give her some space? Try harder? How do you find the strength to not give up?

thanks

S

bump

I'm in the same boat as you.
On Jan 31st my wife came up to me and advised me that she "can't do this any more". She said that she hasn't loved me in about 4 months and she was resolved to end the marriage.

I needless to say melted down. I didn't lash out at her but I fell into a deep depression. When she was pregnant with our daughter I pretty much emotionally abandoned her. I had a host of personal issues that the stark reality of being a father brought out and I had no idea how to deal with them or how to even recognize them. I hurt her real bad during that time and for the first 6 months or so after the birth of our D.

She tried to tell me we had problems but I was elf absorbed with my own issues to clearly hear her pleas. I finally last summer (2.5 years after this first started) recognized we had problems. Unfortunately my wife was all used up emotionally at that time and last fall she just stopped caring about the marriage.

I have been working VERY hard on bettering myself over the past 2 months and bettering my ability to listen and to show her that I understand her fears, upsets, and concerns. About 2 weeks ago I found a what I felt was a love letter to her boss.
It devastated me.
I packed up the majority of my belongings and went to may families home. I have been staying the nights there since.

I confronted her about the letter. she swore it was just a fast friendship and offered to end it. I said she could continue but last Sat she said she ended it on her own. (we work for the same company) She has been much nicer since I moved out and has been actually doing activities with me that she is inviting me on. I'm having serious problems believing anything she says.
I hope your situation worked out with your wife. I'm praying for my wife's, my daughters and my sake that we can keep this family together and to build on our mistakes and grow a love stronger than we ever imagined.