I'm sitting here right now not sure of so many things. I envy ALL of you who have NO CONTACT. Oh how I wish I never had to deal with this. H goes every other week to visit his OC's with OW. I just hate it! I really thought all of this would be over in just a couple of years but he had to go #$%& her again and make another one. The OC as a result of the affair will be 2 next month. The older OC's (before we were married....and NO they were never married, never even lived together. He just used to get drunk and have sex (gag!)with her!) <p>It's only just about 11 months since d-day and he can't figure out why I don't just let it go and deal with it, and he wants to know if I am always going to be upset on the day he goes up there....You bet! I've already told him I don't ever care to hear anything about OC, or even her name mentioned in my house. I also told him for as long as I can I will keep it from my 3 year old son. <p>I just told him that unless he can commit to rebuilding this marriage I no longer want to be married to him. I also told him that lately I have been feeling very unloved...and you know what that leads to...isn't it all of their excuses? He has no idea the pain he and OW (and even "W" is used loosely!) have caused me. He has the audacity to think that by now I should get over it! <p>I get so angry with him I can't even speak and sometimes I can't even be in the same room with him. <p>All of this came up again because OW called last week and left a message on my answering machine that they wouldn't be home on Sunday but he could come up on Saturday and they (she said "we"...why the heck would she say "we" would wait until noon for him). I could have thrown the phone when I heard her voice. She called back the next day to say that she changed her mind, they'd be home SUnday after all. She was told NEVER to call here. One of the OC's is almost 13, she could have easily called and left the message. I am so angry at what he did to me that I can't even think straight! <p>Sorry for my mindless rambling here...and typos, and grammatical errors. I'm typing faster than I can process my thoughts. I think if I don't get these feelings out I'm going to scream. I just need a bunch of cyber hugs!!!!! I have never cried so much in my life.<p>Take care,
Why

Here it is:
((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))<p>My H's child from afffair turned 5 this April and I still feel hurt/angry at times and H has no contact at all. I feel for you.

Dear dear Why,<p>Honey, read my sig line ... while separated for 13 mos my ex-H cheated on his OW with another OW (ONS) and fathered a OC, then 11 mos later he &*#$^*%$ the original OW and she too got pregnant. So .. TWO OC.<p>I know your anger. Believe me I DO. <p>I want you to vent, scream, cry, and vent some more here. The only way you can relieve yourself of the enormous tension, hurt and anger that your H has placed upon you is to NOT hold it inside. BUT .. do NOT vent it on him, VENT IT HERE.<p>I'm really so terribly sorry for what he's done and what you feel. I've lived it and it's unbelievably painful. It has the potential to destroy you, please don't let it.<p>Are you on anti-deps? If you aren't, please consider exploring taking them. Once I started, it made quite a difference how I managed my pain and anger. <p>You are in my prayers, Why. Please lean on us, we understand and know what you're going thru, sweetie.<p>Love and many prayers,
Jo<p>[ June 03, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Dear Why<p>Sometimes I look at my husband and think "I don't even know who you are". Sometimes he seems to be a complete stranger. Sometimes I look at him and wonder how he was capable of doing what he did. Especially now that he is so much like he used to be...if he could be like he was before, loving, involved, attentive and still do what he did, then he could do this to me again. It is a very frightening thought.<p>During the first year, I was so incredibly raw and traumatized, I could not function. I couldn't work, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't see people and I completely dropped out of the lives of my friends and family. I needed time to be alone and try to find some resolution to my pain. And while I did that, I revisited the 'affair' over and over again, shocked, stunned and confused how this could possibly happen, trying to make sense out of something ridiculous and senseless. My husband would say to me, the same things your husband says to you, the same thing all husbands say to their wives the first year or two after discovery..."When are you going to get over this? Can't we just move on???"<p>It seems they are dismissing us and our pain but the truth is is that they can't allow themselves to acknowledge what thye have done. In fact, I think it is impossible for many of them to face themselves and see the disrespect in the faces of others, so they blow off our pain so they can live with themselves.<p>Contact is nearly impossible for many of us. I know it is for me and fortunately, my husband acquiesces to my wishes on this. I am really, really sorry you are feeling forced into contact...for your sake and that of your marriage, I wish your husband would just concentrate on you and let the OC go for now until you have had an opportunity to heal.<p>As for what you should do about all this, I cannot answer or give any solid advice...all I can do is let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your husband has a change of heart and redirects his attentions where they need to be to allow you to heal. If he doesn't, you will be facing some really hard choices of what you are willing to accept and what you are not willing to tolerate.<p>A great place to start is implementing the Harley principles into your life and letting go and letting God take care of the direction of His will for you.<p>Be good to yourself and stay close to God.<p>Catnip =^^=

OMIGOSH, I'm sorry you have to endure so much disrespect from both your H and the OW--it's like she wishes she were YOU or something... Just remember she's NOT. He remains married to YOU. That is a very important and, I believe, significant detail.<p>He remains married to you because he doesn't want to be married to her. If he just got drunk and slept around with her, I believe that's why he stays married to you--because she means nothing.<p>If she is not to call your house, then I would change the number. If your name is on the bill your H wouldn't even need to know. Your household and your child deserves to be sheltered from your H's other life if that is what you desire.<p>No, this does not comply with the POJA, but your H is violating it and the OW clearly just doesn't GET it, whatsoever!<p>Maybe you could try to POJA a new phone number with your H... If he can't see how OW is intruding on your household and your territory, then he is flat out in denial.<p>(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
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I just wanted to say thank you for your support. It is just such a mess we've been put into. Your words mean so much.<p>Unfortunately I can't change my phone number for another three years. I've already decided when my son is old enough to answer the phone I would do that anyway. If H wants his Oc's to be able to call he can have another number put in and pay for it (I pay the phone bill!)<p>H keeps asking how long he is going to be punished for this and I told him that I am also being punished for a crime I didn't commit. He has NO IDEA how I can be feeling punished.<p>You are right. I know he chose to stay married to me and yes, I truly believe she thought she would just step into the role of wife when I found out and kicked him out. He acutally said she was mad that it didn't happen.<p>Well again...thanks for your support.<p>Take care
Why

Catching up on posts and sending you a big hug....<p>(((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))<p>Hugs and prayers,
Twiisty