Hi, I would appreciate any advice right now. I have been married for 18 months. I have two children from previous marriages (widowed and divorced). I left my last marriage because it was abusive but now find myself in the same situation again. I moved to another state with my husband due to his job. The year with my children has had good times and bad, but my husbands temper and put downs have been a lot for me and my oldest son. I sent my children back home to see there father and grandparents for the summer and now they don't want to come back and live with my husband and I. My son said that the fighting is terrible and refuses to come back. My parents are upset over the situation and want me to come back too. However, my husband is stating we need to stick together as a family unit and I must force the kids to come back and that my son is using emotional blackmail right now. We have gone to couseling and the marriage couselor has stated to bring the kids back. I am still unsure that my husbands behavior can change overnight and I am concerned about the well being of my children. I am putting my children at harm by seperating them from the situation until I see some definete improvements from my spouse. So far all he can do is accuse me of being unstable and unfit as a parent. Please help. I want to do the right thing for everyone.
Thanks

I am in an abusive marriage too...I don't know if I can help, but I can say that you need to figure out what you want. The situation is hard because you moved out of state; hard on you, hard on the kids, hard on their father. I would never condone staying in an abusive relationship just because it is too risky: you might try harder and harder to make it work and get sucked deeper and deeper in. I understand though that some marriages can be saved if the abuser can admit to it, can admit his own feelings of unworthiness and pain. Really, you need to trust yourself, your needs and wants, your instincts. It is hard when you have lost faith in your ability to make a decision, I know from firsthand experience...but you CAN do it. This is no answer, but I truly believe the answer lies within you.

Thanks for your reply. I have lost my ability to make decisions, so I had to go with my gut feeling. I decided to not bring kids back yet, as I feel nothing has changed. My husband is being very nice, but I also know that can change at any moment. He thinks he may have said a "few" inappropriate things at times and has "lost his temper" a few times, but that does not warrant me breaking up a family. He thinks that I have serious psychiatric problems and that he loves me enough to "stand by me" while I get help. Problem gets more involved as he now has demanded access to my bank account and pin number to "ensure" the money gets transfered into the joint account and that he wants me to stay with him in this state and wants us to "visit" the children together only! He also stated that he has "overheard" my telephone conversations with my mother and has viewed my email, so now he needs to "check up on me" because he can't trust me. Am I crazy for buying into this? I have gone to a meeting with other women in abusive relationships and this is not just me being an irresponsible parent or a bad wife.
Thank you again for your response. I will have to just try to think about what is best for right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kirby123:
<strong> ... but my husbands temper and put downs have been a lot for me and my oldest son.

Temper and putdowns = abuse. Thank God your son has not returned to the home you live in with your husband.

My son said that the fighting is terrible and refuses to come back.

Your son sees clearly. He is right.

My parents are upset over the situation and want me to come back too. However, my husband is stating we need to stick together as a family unit and I must force the kids to come back and that my son is using emotional blackmail right now. We have gone to couseling and the marriage couselor has stated to bring the kids back.

Find another counselor. That one sounds like a loser. "FORCE" the kids to come back? She went along with that idea? Do you have any idea how much harder it is to leave a n abusive man when you also have to get the kids and all their belongings out of the house as well? He can control you better while you are concerned about their well-being.

Your kids and you and your new husband are NOT a family unit. He is not the kids' father. He is the man who married the kids' mother and moved you all out of state.

"emotional blackmail?" What does your present husband think your son wants? A normal life? How unreasonable. What an evil child you have. He can't stand the fighting - he can't stand seeing his mother verbally and emotionally abused.


Are you aware that it is considered child abuse when children witness domestic violence?

I am still unsure that my husbands behavior can change overnight and I am concerned about the well being of my children. I am putting my children at harm by seperating them from the situation until I see some definete improvements from my spouse. So far all he can do is accuse me of being unstable and unfit as a parent.

The voice of sanity. (yours) Your husband accuses you of being unstable and unfit as a parent? Uhm, hello, if you are unstable and unfit, why would he want to have the children back under the same roof with you? Not logical.

Also, are you aware of the cycle of violence that is a pattern in abusive relationships? There is the build-up phase. Then there is the trigger. It could be a big or a little thing. Whatever it is, it's never the abuser's fault. It's outside of him. It's either you, or the kids, or the job, or a driver who cuts him off, and the abuser does or says something mean. His victim is his target.

Right now your husband is in the "honeymoon" stage of the cycle. He's behaving well enough to lull you into doing what he wants. He wants the kids back under your roof so he can control you. My opinion: don't let them come back, because they need your protection. By being out of state, they ARE protected. They are at higher risk for harm from your husband because he is not their biological father.

Please help. I want to do the right thing for everyone.

The only "everyone" you have to do the right thing for is yourself and your kids. Go home, take your parents' help, and do not date anyone else until both kids are grown up and out of the house. Two abusive husbands in a row doesn't bode well for the men you pick.

Oh, and about allowing your present husband access to your bank account? Are you insane? That's emotional blackmail. He plays that game and accuses your son of it? Honey, once he controls the money it will be even more difficult to get away from him.

He says you need psychiatric help [in other words, you are "broken" and "defective"] but he's willing to stick it out and stand by you while you get "healthy" again. You very well may be a nutcase. I don't know. But if he gets you to believe that there's something wrong with you, the rest of the story is "and no decent man would want a woman like you. So you've gotta stay with me while you get 'cured' and after you are 'well' you gotta stay with me because you owe me for staying through your therapy.

He is spying on you without reason. If you were having an affair with another man, spying might be understandable. He knows you are unhappy in your marriage and he wants to make sure he can "head you off" should you plan to leave the state.

You're such a 'nutcase' and such an unfit parent - oh yeah? Let me guess: You don't get enough sleep either. Somehow he sees to it that you are sleep deprived. (I'm guessing on this part, so tell me if I'm wrong.) Sleep deprived people can't think things through clearly, and they tend to believe what other people tell them is reality.

just my opinion. So, write back, okay?
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<small>[ September 09, 2004, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</small>

Thank you Belle!
I needed that. Just had a terrible conversation with my mother, and she basically told me the same thing! Can't understand what I am doing! In that case, I am doing something about it. I have armed myself with books plus have enrolled with couseling in a group. The book I have read yesterday opened my eyes to the abuse and what problems my children have had! My husband clearly states that he has NEVER been abusive and that he may have lost his temper a few times and said some inappropriate things, but that doesn't warrant me breaking up a happy family. He has it in his head that he could have convinced the children that HE was their biological father and that everthing would have been picture perfect in just a few years! He had even convinced them that his religion was superior and they were excepting that and on the road to greatness! HA! I even found out from the childrens school when I called to tell them they were not returning, that he called to tell them that they would be returning home and that he was going to see that there last names were changed so it wouldn't be so confusing! OF course, he denies saying that to the secretary, he would NEVER think of changing their names. Sadly, I bought into this for a long enough time....time to get out and establish who I am and be supportive for my children.
Thanks for you honesty!
Kirby

[QUOTE]Originally posted by kirby123:
[qb] Thank you Belle!
I needed that. Just had a terrible conversation with my mother, and she basically told me the same thing!

Your mother has the wisdom of age.

Can't understand what I am doing! In that case, I am doing something about it. I have armed myself with books plus have enrolled with couseling in a group. The book I have read yesterday opened my eyes to the abuse and what problems my children have had!

Books won't get you out of your abusive relationship. You need a moving van and a couple of strong moving men.

My husband clearly states that he has NEVER been abusive and that he may have lost his temper a few times and said some inappropriate things, but that doesn't warrant me breaking up a happy family.

Abusers never cop to the abuse. They minimize their actions and blame the victim.

He has it in his head that he could have convinced the children that HE was their biological father and that everthing would have been picture perfect in just a few years!

Control freak.

He had even convinced them that his religion was superior and they were excepting that and on the road to greatness! HA!

Well, THAT would have put God on his side, wouldn't it?

I even found out from the childrens school when I called to tell them they were not returning, that he called to tell them that they would be returning home and that he was going to see that there last names were changed so it wouldn't be so confusing!

Without talking it over as a family? Man this husband of yours is on a power trip.

OF course, he denies saying that to the secretary, he would NEVER think of changing their names.

Everyone's lying but him. Yup.

Sadly, I bought into this for a long enough time....time to get out and establish who I am and be supportive for my children.

Hooray! You got ovaries, woman!

Thanks for you honesty!

Thanks for loving your children. You are doing the right thing.
QUOTE]

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</small>

Hi Kirby, I don't think I've ever posted in this particular forum but your thread caught my eye. Just wanted to give you some helpful links. Keep learning,it's the only way you will be able deal with or resolve these issues. {{{Kirby}}}

The first link is Dr. harley's article Overcoming the abusive marriage

This next is a site that contains an excellent article on identifying losers (Dr. Carver's word for abusers) It includes guidelines for detaching if that is what you end up needing to do. Don't let the title throw you. http://www.drjoecarver.com/ For some reason my computer is slow otherwise I'd link you directly to the article.

You might want to keep this handy, it is the National Domestic Violence hotline number: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224. I hope you never need it. I probably have some more links but don't have much time right now. Take care of yourself! KB

Great responses to this topic. I concur. Armed with books? I will tell you what changed my life in terms of laying it all down on the table and making me understand what actions are abusive, how to respond (which I have not mastered), but most of all, validate you. I felt crazy, still do at times. I've been told by my husband similar things and he also has built a network such that he can watch everything I do online. Lol...he's in bed right now, but he has also retrieved stuff, etc...So, I know. Anyways, here is the book: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. When you finish that, pick up Survivors Speak Out by the same author. Absolutely phenomenal. Now I can finally explain to others what goes on, because in my situation, most of the abuse was so subtle that most people don't view it as abusive. So, it becomes very difficult to explain how such and such has completely torn you to shreds. Good luck and God Bless. Just remember to take care of your needs and the needs of your children...whatever that may entail.

Please please get out now. It sounds as if you have family who will help you get on your feet. Please go down to family court and file for a temporary custody order. Then get out, go to where your children are and stay there. Look for a job and get your life in order. Don't date for a while and concentrate on getting your children in family therapy so that they can deal with the issues that will be coming up for the next few years.
Don't listen to a word this man says right now. Not a word. Leave the books behind, take some clothes if you must. They can get toys, etc, from your family. If he's going so far as to demand PIN numbers and calling the school without your knowledge, he is deeply controlling every aspect of your lives. How long have you known him? What was his family life like before? How much contact does he have with is other children? Shared custody? Why or why not?

The only people you need to think about right now are the one's you brought into this world. They are fragile and trust YOU to take care of them. Staying with this man will hurt them all thier lives. Don't start with the "he doesn't hurt them, just me" stuff either, it's not that simple. It hurts them all.

Get out, now. With the clothes on your back if need be.

Just remember, you are a mother first. Be a mother and do whats best for your kids.