Just curious as to how you are coming with your Policy of Honesty and Joint Agreement with your husband. How did he take the news? Is he OK? Are you OK?<p>As soon as you have told your husband the truth, that will be your first step in your recovery here on Marriage Builders because you will truly then be a woman committed to your marriage. Until this is done, you are just stalling and wasting precious time and doing a horrible disservice to your husband.<p>I hope the day of discovery will be soon for you both and you two can begin anew.<p>At the risk of starting something...just thinking outloud here...do you really belong here, CM, if you have not mustered the courage to tell your husband the truth and embarked on your journey of recovery? To keep coming here is fine if you aren't just continuing to spin your wheels.<p>I am really, really anxious for you to begin the healing process for your marriage...it is something you cannot do alone without your husband.<p>Wishing you luck.<p>Catnip =^^=

As Posted By Catnip:
"At the risk of starting something...just thinking outloud here...do you really belong here, CM, if you have not mustered the courage to tell your husband the truth and embarked on your journey of recovery? To keep coming here is fine if you aren't just continuing to spin your wheels."<p>Catnip, this part of your post bothers me, and I will try to explain why in the nicest way I can and hope it doesnt come off sounding badly. If it does, I apologise ahead of time. <p>One, CM belongs here VERY MUCH in my opinion. So she hasnt told her husband yet, we all know that already. But the point of the matter is, she is here and she is learning, and in that process she will muster up the courage to come forth to her husband with everything. But it's going to be when SHE is ready, not when you or anyone else on this site wants or demands her to do so. How do I know this? Because I was once in her exact shoes, there was a time when my husband didnt know. He knows now, he post on here too, and our recovery is coming along wonderfully. And as someone who has been in her shoes, I can tell you now, that constantly reminding her of what she needs to do in the manner that you did above and questioning if she should even be here is NOT the way to encourage her to bring that honesty level to her marriage. Yes, I eventually told my husband, but it wasnt until I was ready to tell my husband, and there isnt anything anyone could have done to make me be honest about it all until I was fully ready to be. What CM needs right now, is people saying, yes, you can do it, and people like me that have talked with her off the board also, who are here to show her that once she does get totally honest, it doesnt mean everything will fall apart either. My husband and I are proof of that one. We have survived this and continue to survive this everyday, and our relationship is sweeter now then it ever has been. THAT is encouragement to someone who is in the position she is in. <p>So does she REALLY belong here?? Your darn straight she does. No, she hasnt mustered the courage to tell the truth yet, but she wants to, and she has found some of us here that are fully behind her and doing what we can to let her know the different things her husband is going to feel when he does know, and encouraging her to come clean with him about it all. True, until he knows all, the true recovery wont really start, but she is working on HER right now, and finding the strength within to bring it all to a front, and if that isn't marriage building, then I dont know what is. I know that place, I was there once too, and it's one heck of a place to be. Yes, her being in the spot shes in is of her own doing, but she doesnt need you or anyone else to remind her of that one, she lives that everyday. <p>I have agreed with many things you have said Catnip, and there are some things we have agreed to disagree on. I have been nothing but respectful to you in any interactions I've had with you, and I will continue to do so. You've got a fire that I like, even when we dont see eye to eye. But the point is, we dont have to see eye to eye all the time either. I know you want to encourage her to do the right thing, your heart is in the right place, I know that. All I am saying is, it's not going to happen, until she is ready to let it happen, and I truly do not believe she is spinning her wheels. <p>I hope this post was not taken in any kind of offensive way as it was not meant to be. Just trying to shed another perspective here. <p>I have said in other postings, that since I am not only a FWS, but a BS also, I tend to see things from both sides of the fence so to speak. But the biggest point to that statement is this, we ALL need to be able to see from both sides, we fully understand the side we are on when we are on it, but to ever fully grasp a situation in it's entireity, you have to get the whole picture, and that includes the side you may or may not know. Again, just my 2 cents. No disrespect meant towards anyone.<p>CMiranda.. obviously my internet is back up. I'll be sending you an email soon. And just remember what I told you that time, the truth shall set you free... what meaning that has now. It's a hard long road to get there, but you can get there, and you will survive. ((((((CM))))))<p>Ann

Dear Ann,
I see your points, yet I tend to agree more with catnip's position. Sometimes, to me, CM's opinions sound very non Mb-oriented. MBers are NOT going to encourage her to keep going on the same path she's on. That's just the way it is. <p>CM might be better served to study--I mean really study the MB articles, Q&A's and concepts and even share them together with her H. Being here, posting and dealing with BS opinions might not BE the most encouraging thing for CM right now. Not until she can fully embrace the concepts as you have. Ann, you say that you e-mail and I think that's terrific!<p>CM can speak for herself and I certainly don't need to speak for catnip either but I think what catnip was trying to say is NOT that CM needs to leave MB, but wonder if it is healthy for her to be here arguing, going around in circles, getting frustrated with BS's here because that's pretty much what I have seen coming through her posts lately...<p>Don't misunderstand, I think was very brave of CM to admit her circumstances, very brave. And I think that is a great first step. However, I believe it is very unfair to think that BS's on MB would encourage CM to continue on her chosen path--to keep the affair and the child from the affair a secret from her husband! <p>We have a MBer who did exactly that (kept A secrets from the kids--slightly different situation), but the now grown kids (one bio and one OC) have both turned against their mother! (Usedlongago) ULA, if you are lurking, I hope you don't mind my reference to your situation. Believe me, I'm praying that God would turn it around for you guys. My point is, secrets do NOT protect people, they hurt people.<p>I could be wrong, but this is just my observation and perceptions...<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

BTW, catnip, apparently you are not the only MBer wondering what is UP with CM... Check this out from GQII... You too, CM when you have time:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=018282

Reluctantly I think I will jump on this bandwagon myself.<p>Ann please take no offense but I have to agree with BTDT and Catnip in that although we make these decisions on our own, it doesn&#8217;t hurt to have a push from outside. We accept these suggestions all the time from people we respect in our daily life situations.<p>I do have a different slant to the urgency for CM to come out of the Affair closet. My feeling is that it would be much easier for CM&#8217;s husband to hear a confession from her than to find out from another source. She is after all putting herself at risk simply by using the electronic media (e-mail and this website). Never assume that the things we do are so well hidden that no one can find them or that there is no residual suspicion in our spouses strong enough for them to seek answers on their own. <p>What we, as BS&#8217;s, are trying to do is minimize the pain when the piano falls on her husband&#8217;s head, and it surely will.<p>BTDT I certainly do not mind a reference to me in any post directed at anyone&#8217;s possible enlightenment. As far as my situation goes not much has changed with the boys. They seem stuck right now and in fact seem to be pulling away even further. It is painful for both of us but we are trying to come to grips with the fact that it will never be the same. I have just begun reading a new book relating to estrangement called &#8220;I thought we would never speak again&#8221; and it is very thought provoking for me. It is scary in that in some of the cited cases the reunification of relationships occurs either on the deathbed or after one party has died. I pray that is not the case with us.
Catnip, you don&#8217;t need me to tell you not to change. You give me sooo much pleasure when I read some of your comments. What a joy it must be for those close to you to have that wit available all the time.

Good luck, especially to CM, we are here for you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] and God Bless<p>ULA<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: Usedlongago ]</p>

I did not know this thread had been started, I hadn't been here since Monday after all the going's on over weekend, I had no desire to visit here. I got a "tip" to come by.
I am not taking the easy way out, but Ann has said everything that I would have said to you Catnip and everyone else. She speaks my feelings exactly and far better than I could have. I am working on me and patching the foundation of my M right now. It was only a mere 3-5 months ago that I was not sure if wanted to stay in my M. I was contemplating throwing in the towel. I am not one to jump on any band wagon. I think for myself and I operate on my timeline. Whenever I have varied from that, my life has gone amiss. Its my life, my marriage and I will not be pressured to do something I am not ready to do. I say that with all due respect.
I believe that the moderator's message above has answered your question about whether or not I belong here.
I respect your point, but I take your initial paragraph of your post to me as a shot as you already know the answer. I will not get pulled into the web, and I will not engage in a debate that will get one or both of us banned from posting. You are right, I can't do it without my H and I realize that. My M was in shambles, from my viewpoint and I could not expect to go back to it with full disclosure over a lengthy A without first starting the rebuild for me. I had to begin the process of reinvesting in it. I have to start someplace. It may sound like an easy step for you, but it was not for me. I had been in A many years to simply skip back and assume my position as if I never left. Emotionally & Physically, I had so checked out.
To all who posted, besides Ann, my responses may not always sound like MB material. Neither does some of BS responses. Its a process and some days I embrace and other days I push away these concepts. Some days, this place is not what I need and other days, it is. Some BS say things and I think I will never encourage my H to come here. Then I find intelligent, loving, kind and helpful BS's and think my H should read what that person had to say. I want to frame their posts.
I'm not dumb and I know what I want to do and accomplish. I don't think anyone here is suggesting I am an idiot, naturally! I just don't want to be pressured to conform to your schedule.
Again, Ann, thank you so very much for explaining, because I could not have communicated as beautifully has you have.
I hope to hear from you soon!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BINthereDUNthat:
[QB]BTW, catnip, apparently you are not the only MBer wondering what is UP with CM... Check this out from GQII... You too, CM when you have time:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=018282[/QB ]<hr></blockquote><p>thanks btdt, I'm familar with it. I know this thread is the smaller of of them all on this site, and I liked it here for the most part, until recently. I'm glad that some of you say you are interested in what I'm up to but I'm not so sure I want trouble following me. If you have nothing nice to say, I'd rather not hear from you. I don't want anymore of what happened last friday to happen again.

For the people who responded to this other then CMiranda, let me clear something up. I understand no BS is going to encourage her to continue on hiding the A, and I have not done that either. Not only me but my H, the BS of my A has talked to CM off the board. My husband has explained to her his reactions to it all, how he took it, and I have explained mine to her as well. We do encourage her to tell him about it, but the point of my entire post to Catnip originally is simply this, she wont do it until shes ready to do it, no matter what you or I anyone says to her. You want to offer her support AFTER she tells her H everything, I want to offer her support BEFORE she tells him, to continue to encourage her to do just that, and also give her and her husband the support they will need after it is all said and done. That was and is my point. Anyway, just wanted to clarify that one.....<p>CM, working on an email to you right now.. check your mail in just a little bit.<p>
*Edited to correct a typo...opps! Sorry! LOL!<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: AnnLovesCharlie ]</p>

Just a friendly reminder that time is on nobody's side. Often times we wait until the 'perfect' moment to do something that must be done only to find that when such 'perfect' moment arrives, the window of opportunity has been closed forever.