Hi, update on my situation. It's been nearly 2 yrs since I left my husband. In the meantime I have dated a man that was wonderful but the guilt of living my husband after 12 yrs overwhelmed me and I broke it off with the OM 8 mths ago. My husband and I are talking about reconciling but I am not in love with him, I am still in love with the other man. My husband and I are still good friends and still talk alot. Before we go any further with reconciling I am going to tell him how I am feeling. I think it is only fair. I want to be in love with my H. We will be going to counsling as well. Could someone help us or me in anyway. I want to do what's right.

This is just and idea: Start at the basics. Have you thought about dating your husband first? Sounds weird, but just try to spend time alone with him. Dress up, do your makeup, and be civil, even if he is harsh towards you at first. You may even have to plan the date, but it will help to be receptive to each other in a new way. I dont mean to sound shallow, I just think you should try to rebuild your relationship. Talk to him. You should be honest with him, but let him you know you want to fall in love with him again.Also read and follow the love bank essays on this site. They are really good.

My H and I went on a date last night, started as a date but we began talking about where we are in our lives and we are both uncertain about reconciling. I think just because we are scared. He is afraid of being hurt again and I am afraid because I still have feeling for OM. I told him that I was still in love with the OM but I don't want to be. I tried to reasure my H that I have no intention of seeing this OM romatically. But I work with OM. And I do see him everday. This sounds strange but, even though I am still in love with this man, I don't want to be with him, I miss the feeling of being in love.....that's what it is. I want to be in love with my H.
My H and I love one another but are not in love with each other. We both agree to go to counselling.
Right now I cannot get this OM out of my head. I have been thinking about him for a week. And I haven't thought about him for months. I really hate this. I want to move on.
My husband knows all of this. Initially I can see a little bit of anger and hurt in his eyes but he knows I am trying to rid this OM and move on.

I am going to read the love bank essay now. Thanks

Im wondering: Is there anyway for you to not work with OM, like changing jobs? You know the no contact rule? Have you considered moving back in with your h? It is hard, but you have to start somehere. I hope counceling helps you both.

Changing jobs is not possible but transfering is. Not for me, I need to stay where I am because it is perfect for caring for my daughter. I asked the OM to transfer because he has no responsiblities but he won't.
Yes my H and I have considered me moving back home but we both agreed that we need to discuss and think about things more.
I really hope conselling works too. Thanks

As long as the other man is there, it will be harder for you to let go of those feelings enough to let your husband in. It is possible, but takes more work on your end. Make it a point to spend more time with your husband while avoiding the other as much as possible. Make sure he knows your intentions of getting back with your husband. Make a considered effort to be as short as possible whenever contact is necessary and avoid it whenever it isn't.

Obviously you got over your husband. Apply those same principles to your lover. You'll be over him in no time.

Not trying to sound rude, but have you even looked at changing jobs? I know you say its for your daughter, but thats also a way to look at working things out with your H. May I ask what your childcare situation is now?

Lydia1,

-- I think just because we are scared. He is afraid of being hurt again and I am afraid because I still have feeling for OM.

TR--The fear you feel is normal--neither one of you want to go back to the type of relationship you had before--you want something better--you really can have that together--it won't be easy but you can have it--

Thinking back to when you first married your husband what was it that drew you to him--what about him did you fall in love with??

--This sounds strange but, even though I am still in love with this man, I don't want to be with him--

TR--No it doesn't sound strange at all--you liked how he made you feel--probably much the same way your husband made you feel before you married him???

--I miss the feeling of being in love.....that's what it is. I want to be in love with my H.--

TR--Feeling in love--and being in love are two different things---but from what your saying it sounds like your missing the romance in the relationship--

--My H and I love one another but are not in love with each other.

TR--What does it 'feel' like to be in love?

Because to me--It sounds like you are very much 'in love' with your husband--no, it may not have all the 'feel' good emotions that you had with OM, but you have something stronger--and thats the fact you WANT to be with your husband--and your willing to step out and try to make things better--

But like I said--it will require work--it will require making each other a priority in your lives--it will require changing bad habits that broke up your marriage before--not just on your husbands part--but yours too--

Have you taken the time to really look at your relationship w/ the OM and what it was that you liked most about the relationship??? what needs did he meet for you--that your husband stopped meeting--and caused you to look outside of your marriage??

Start there--and figure out what needs OM was meeting--and then you can figure out what went wrong in your marriage and a starting point to get back what you had--

Have you printed out the EN questionaire on the site and sat down with yourr husband and gone over them? You could even use those as a tool to see where things need to change--

Why not call one of the Harley's and see about setting up an appointment w/ them--they can couch you on how to get you back on the right track--

I feel like a dummie but I seem to be having troubles finding the 'love bank essays' and the EN questionaire. Can someone direct me pls.
I have a really good paying job that only requires me to work little hrs so I can be with my girl. And I have alot of yrs in. So far I have been avoiding the OM.
Sometimes I wonder what I am doing. It's been two yrs and I am still unhappy in some ways and I still have alot of mixed emotions. I am trying so hard and at times but I have doubts. Maybe my H and I are just meant to be friends. We really are good friends. I think we talk lots and when something is bothering us we do our best to fix it. We spend alot of time together, we help one another. I just don't feel an emotional, physical connection with him. I never really did. Sad isn't. For me, we never make love, it was sex and I couldn't wait for it to be over. I always thought it was me, I thought I wasn't capable of making love. I was wrong. With this OM, I made the most passionate love. He made me feel so special,disired, all that.
I know that my H and I can work out all the issues that we have but I am scared that I will never be able to find him disireable. I think we could have the most perfect marraige if I could work out this one problem.
I borrowed books from the library today hoping that they will give me some insight.
I still think of this man alot a times, which I know doesn't help me one bit. But I am having trouble with my inner self as well. My H has forgiven me but I can't seem to forgive myself for being with this OM. For being such a fool to beleive this OM. I am angry, sad, hurt. I don't feel very good about myself.
I am not going to give up on my marraige, I truely believe we can work out all of our issures...I just don't know about our sexual relationship. Is there any type of reading on this subject?
I want to thank everyone for their replys. This is helping me more then you know. Thank you

My H and I were together intimatley yesterday and I didn't feel much at all. It was same old for me. Will I ever be able to want him and makelove to him?

Sorry, I havent been on in a few days.

EN questionaire: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

Love Bank essays: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

Basic concepts, also look at topics to the left side here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Keep at it, your marriage will fall into place if you use the guide steps here. Please give it time.