Hi,
This site was a Godsend for me. I found it recently after surviving a year from Hell!!!
In May of last year my wife went to spend a month on a farm about one hour from where we lived. She had the time off and I encouraged her to go. Why I did that I do not know? May be I was not too happy either having her around. Anyways she met a man there that in her mind was meeting all her needs, needs that she had been repressing in her seven years with me. I thought our marriage was perfect at the time. I didn't see anything wrong with her being away and I have never been jealous of her man friends. In September she told me she was in love with him. It had soley been an emotional thing till then. In October she went to stay with him and the physical started. She tried to fight her urges to be with him, she really did, but finally they won her over. I was lost and did not know what to do. I wish I had found this site earlier. In November she called me and said she loved me and wanted to come home. In December we were together again at her parent's home. She stayed with them through February. In February she returned to the other man but said she was going to finish it off, but she was not able to tell him through the whole month. I told her that on March 7th she needed to come home. On March 6th she told him she was returning to me and he almost tried to kill himself. She felt sorry for him and stayed. She begged and pleaded for me to let her stay till April 20th. I agreed (idiot). In April she came home and we had a wonderful time together (no love making) but we were able to really enjoy each other's company. She then returned to him to get her stuff. She packed everything up and was going to leave him with a letter and drive off before he arrived from work but she was feeling sick and feverish so she had to stay one more night. She unpacked her belongings and stayed one more night. The next morning she went to a clinic and discovered she was pregnant. In her state of shock and disbelief she quickly left his house without packing and drove home to me (20 hour drive). I was happy to see her when she arrived. We sat together on the couch. She cried and told me the truth. I wasn't upset at first. I was actually excited. Wow, I am going to be a daddy! Later, I thought, wait a minute, what if my parents found out, they are already extremely pissed off at my wife. Can I raise another man's child? Will I feel this resentment for the rest of my life? The next day things got bad and the other man arrived on our door step banging on the door saying I want my baby. Yes, he found out she was pregnant. We talked and my wife told him that she wants me to be father and wants him to give her space etc. . . He agreed but wants to be able to visit the child sometime in the future. My wife is now at her father's going to therapy and I am alone again. She is feeling withdrawal from the other guy and is still unsure about me. I believe she feels resentment and fear about returning to me thinking she will be unhappy again with a man that was unable to meet her needs. I am not sure what to do. Do I want to be with her because I love her or do I want to be with her because I am scared of starting new, scared of being lonely? Being with her now will entail a major responsibility, raising a child that is not mine? Her parents know everything and are extremely happy and grateful that I am willing to take on this responsibility? My parents don't even know that an affair happenend but know that we did separate and were having problems. My father is extremely angry at her, but is willing to open his heart again to having her in the family. However, they do not know about the baby. They also do not need to know. Basically I am in a big mess and I need your help.

tofu, Hi

I wasnt going to post here but I have to say a couple of things first and fore most. You can love someone elses child.. my husband does it every day.. only he thinks of her as his. <p>Next thing..Your wife has to make a decision, I would go with your wife and talk to a lawyer and find what your rights are.. VERY IMPORTANT. <p> There are many options that you may take ADOPTION is one.. Howeer It was not for me.. I would be divorced had that happen. I dont know how far along she is.. abortion is another option although again not for me and I would never entertain the idea.
SO ONCE that decision is made..Then you have to decide what capacity TH OM will play in your childs life.. and If he tried to kill himself is he stable enough to be around a child.
I am guessing you have no other children ?<p> Your family will be another issue, you and she together will decide what to tell them..My family knows , his doesnt and they live far away and are not in our lives..except a phone call once a year. If you decide you love your wife and want her to stay .. then you owe it to her to expect your family to treat her with respect.
Just as you would want her family.. You cant heal if people you love are being ugly to her or you. JMHO. <p> YOU have to FIND out if OM is going to expect rights, in most states the child is legally yours since you are married to the mother.. I am not sure if the om can sue for paternity or not. DEPENDS ON the state..PLEASE call and ask.. You might if this is better for your family exclude him..Like I said ask an attorney what your rights are.
I share My daughter with OM and he is in our lives in some way or another about once a week. SO this is an issue you have to deal with or decide if you can do this. AND weather you know it or not.. You can learn to love your child and it will be hard to let her go. My husband and I still have difficulty letting her go.. But we know she is safe and loved when she is there.
You have to decide if you give him rights... child support. Be careful if you really want or need that.. because it drags the OM into your life.
SORRY this is so long.. just wanted you to cover all basis.. I am sure there will be more people along with advice and wisdom.
god bless and good luck.

Tofu:<p>I am glad that your W told you about beign pregnant with OM's C because now you can decide whether you want to continue with the marriage and beign a father to OM's baby or end it right here and now.<p>But be aware that unless she shows remorse for her decision to have an A, getting pregnant with OM's C, and committ herself to a marital recovery progran like MB's, the likelihood that she will leave you for OM or another OM in the future is very high.<p>As a divorced father of two I can tell you that it is a job for life. If you decide to gladly become OM's C father you will be entering a comittment that, by far, outlasts the majority of marriages. It would be unfair to the inocent C for you to take the responsability of being his/her father while holding resentment for the circumnstances surrounding his/her birth. So you better be absolutely sure that you know what you are entering before accepting such a responsability that will affect you the rest of your life.

Thanks mom,
I believe I can love the child. Now it is difficult because of what she represents and may be unlike women, men do not have that maternal instinct but once I see the sweet little baby I will fall in love with it.
I know what I want. I want to be the father , the father on the birth certificate, I want the OM out completely and I want this to remain a secret. Her parents know and that is all. The OM from our last conversation together is willing to accept these conditions, however, he does wish to be able to see the child sometime in the future. He also has conceded that revealing the truth to the child at somepoint will be a decision made by me and my wife. Again, I am not willing to completely accept his concessions right now. He is unstable and may return. However, he has not made contact in two weeks. This is a good sign. I am unwilling to tell my folks that I am going to be a daddy until I feel secure that OM will not come knocking. My parents will be extremely happy and proud when hearing the news of my first child and I don't want to dissapoint them a few days or months later when he makes himself known. I believe the secret right now is very important for the good of the child and for the good of our marriage.
Where is my problem now is with my wife and her feelings for this man and for how our life will be now. She has already expressed a desire to raise the child in a way that I don't agree with. I am wondering if my wife has drifted so far from me after this year that we do not have a future together regardless of the child.

Coffeeman what you said here>>But be aware that unless she shows remorse for her decision to have an A, getting pregnant with OM's C, and committ herself to a marital recovery progran like MB's, the likelihood that she will leave you for OM or another OM in the future is very high<<<p>This is something I have thought a lot about. It is amazing that even when she shows remorse and is now seeing a therapist I still feel very hesitant but of course how can I not. One of the major problems I have had is the fact that she has said more than once that this was God's Will. It was karma. When she ran crying to me after she discovered she was pregnant, she was very remorseful and very upset with herself. Also very scared that I was going to throw her out of the house. I am willing to love this child as my own and raise it to adulthood, but the only thing that keeps me from being 100 percent sure of my decision is the feeling that my wife does not have the full desire to be with me. I need to feel loved, admired, trusted etc. . .by her before I can make this decision.
And right now it is very difficult for her to show me anything like that because she is still unsure of herself and still has feelings for OM.
One thing that does help is the fact that she ran to me after learning of the pregnancy. But then again I sometimes feel like she returned because she was pregnant because she does not see OM as capable of being a good father to her child.

tofu,
coffee man is right, If I had not decided that I could live with out the other man infact did not want the om in my life again, we could have not healed our marriage, I feel Had I had people to talk to during that time it would have been easier.
You have to make sure you are both committed before you can say anything.. I dont think it is hard for my husband to love our D, she is precious and he was there when she was born and every day since, he is daddy and he loves her. He treats her the exact same as he did al the children. He lays with her and spends lots of moments doing daddy stuff with her. <p> WE Have contact with OM he visits all the time, and there are days when it takes its toll on us all.
I think if OM walks out of this and stays gone, this will be easier for your family and children. YOU have to make sure you cover your self legally above all else.
Have you read the concepts on this site and has your wife read ? SHE needs to have no contact while you and she work this out ?
I am not sure what you mean raise the child differently than you wish ? These are decisions you need to make as a couple and be in a agreement with one another.. but that is something most parents try no matter what the situation they are in.
WE spent the entire length of the pregnancy debating and talking of some of these issues.. Husband and I.. the om was not in the picture any more, he came later wanting to be daddy all of a sudden. <p> I know how scary this is for all of you involved, Please take time and think about all optins, maybe list every one of your concerns and discuss them one by one. When one is too emotional put it aside for a week and let every one think about it.
I say just you and your wife.. because legally this baby belongs to you both.
Not OM.
You havent had DNA test done.. so can you say for sure.. 100 percent this is not your child.
Put aside your relatives for now that time will come, right now, you and your wife need to concentrate on your marriage and make a decision if you can do this or not.
Have you read about plan A on this site ?
It will take some time for your wife to get over her feelings about OM, but it can happen and does many times. SO IF you love your wife.. dont throw in the towell just yet. Many marriages have come through this and more.

The baby is most definetely not mine and I have read about plan A and we are sort of on it right now. She is working things out with a therapist and not having contact with OM. She is staying with her father right now and I will soon be joining her. In regards to meeting her needs right now, I guess I am doing that because she is feeling good about being at her father's. Her being away from me is not helping her meet my needs though. I am not ready to give up. I love my wife and I will like to make it work. I guess I need to be patient and understand that her feelings for OM will not go way so quickly. But for the healing to occur I need the feelings to disappear and never return.

Tofu I just thought that since your W is living with her father, that it would be a good time for her to read the Harley books 'Surviving an affair''His needs Her needs''Love busters' etc. You could buy them and give them to her as a gift. If she reads them and appreciates the worthiness of the MB concepts, then both of you can overcome this ordeal with a better and stronger marriage that will make it very hard for history to repeat itself. It certainly can't hurt.<p>I would strongly suggest that you take every word that mom of five said to you very seriously because she has gone where you and your wife are at this moment. Her insight is priceless.

Hi mom of five. <p>I'm very happy that you are still with us because I am one of those people that admire you very much and was sad when I thought that you have left us for good.<p>I usually hang out on the other boards and rarely come to the pregnancy board much, but when I do, I make it a point to read your posts because they are so right on the money.<p>Now if only WantItBack would return, everything would be great once more.<p>Sorry about hijacking your thread Tofu.

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] thank you

Dear Mom:<p>Another member of the mom of five lurking fan club. You are a wise thoughtful poster. I hope you stay posting.<p>Jack<p>[ June 08, 2002: Message edited by: willmakeitwork ]</p>

I talked to her tonight and it did not go well. I was being calm and sweet, but she became angry when I used the word affair. She is adamant that what she did was not an affair because she told me she was in love with OM before she ever did anything physical with him. She is being very impatient and not understanding my feelings whatsoever. I asked her if I could send her some books to read and she said no way. She then told me that she is still in love with om and that she feels it is wrong to lie about who the father of the child is. And the worst blow is that it seems like the therapist she is seeing is supporting her deluded view of all this. She is deep in the fog and believes that life with OM will be sweet and rosy forever. I told her my plan was to be with her in two weeks where we would see an MC together and work it out. Well, it seems that she is seeing things differently right now. She is still heavily addicted to OM. I had to go with plan B. I told her she can call me when she is ready and willing to be with me and is over OM. I told her to be well and I love her and I hung up the phone. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. God help me.
I need support.

I'm so sorry for your latest development tofu.<p>She is definetely deep in the fog when she doesn't admit that she had an affair, using the ludicrous reason that beign in love with another man other than her husband, having sex with said man, and getting pregnant with OM's C, justified her actions.<p>You must be aware that if you go into plan B that it could lead to divorce if she does not end her affair with OM. But at the same time it will give her a taste of reality as to what life will be without your total support and depend entirely on OM. The problem here is that because she is pregnant that the clock is ticking faster and faster and if the baby is born and she is still very much in love with OM, the chances of a succesful marital reconciliation become extremely slim.<p>But overall I beleive that this latest development is totally unacceptable and that she must pay for the consequences of her addiction by letting her go via plan B.<p>You must stay strong and not accept her back unless she terminates all contact with OM and is committed to marital reconciliation using MB oriented counselors. Hopefully this will happen before the baby is born.<p>God bless.

Thanks for your support coffeeman. This morning the phone rang at about 8 and I ran to get it with the slim hope that it would be her. It wasn't. She is very proud right now and deep in the fog. I am feeling real lonely, but I have a lot to do. I will try to keep busy. It is hard to not have anyone to talk to. The only person I can count on is my mother-in-law who lives in another country. We talked for a long time yesterday. She thinks I did the right thing going to plan b, but of course she is very worried about the future for her daughter. I am seeing a therapist on Wednesday and I might talk to someone today about it. I need to share. I need people to lean on. I understand that ultimately if W does not come out of the fog, we could be divorcing. I was somewhat prepared for this from when she left me with all her stuff in November but I still had hope. My hope is starting to fade now so the loneliness and sadness will return. But life must go on. It saddens me to think it will go on without the woman I love.

tofu,
I am so sorry last night was difficult for you, I do believe that was the hardest thing you have done, But since you made the decision you have to abide by it. Or she wont know your serious.
I know this hurts and you think it is immpossible, But just because SHE thinks she is in love with some one else doesnt mean she really is.
Now that you have removed your self, she will first seek refuge from OM, but you know what.. he liked the situation as it was..He didnt bargain for a baby and as long as you were willing to raise the child.. he thought he could have his cake and all the icing as well.
He may be full of nice sweet things to say.. but that was when you would bear the brunt of it all.Some times when faced with monumental task all the swwet words they had before are just that WORDS. with not an ounce of truth to them.


I think you should take control over your own life and stay strong and busy for you..Keep your self mentaly healthy.. Most important.. because you cant fix your marriage if you fall apart.
Keep coming here for some support, there are lots here who are very supportive.
I can Honestly say what I thought was my LIFE, turned out not so nice and not very able or willing to do what was needed to do when the time came.
All the promises meant nothing. I can look at OM now and think.. thank God she has him and not me. Dont misunderstand he is in my daughters life now, and I wish him all the best. But as far as wanting to run away with him, I just think wow cant believe I was such a dope. lol [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p> On the bright side, I thought MY marriage was over for many reasons But My husband stuck by me and OM did not. AND OM had said all the same sweet things most of them say, he loved me, I was it, How he would raise daughter with me, he would help me with any thing, he wanted me to leave my husband. But when the time came to play ball.. He was no where to be found.
When I gave birth my husband was in the room not OM.
Please do read all you can , it really helps, I would suggest since you dont have children absorb your self in an activity or sport to ocupy your mind and keep fit. It will help with the stress.
It isnt over yet, dont give up. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
This will be a big battle, but you can do it.

Tofu,<p>I really have to second what Mo5 has said here! I am also a WW who got P by xOM, but a major difference is that xOM never knew about pregnancy, and my H and I decided to raise her as our own. Most of both sides of the family know, with the exception of my side. I believe that only a few from my side know at this time. I can understand your worries about your family finding out what has happened, and their reactions to the news. We put off telling my H's parents about the P till they asked us(they were out here visiting when D-day happened). Here's what happened with that:<p>Sailorman's parents were not surprized, but disapointed. Understandably so, but his mother took it one step too far. About a month before Abbi was due, after Sailorman had talked with his dad, and requested that they not say anything to family about paternity, my MIL took it upon herself to tell both of Sailorman's brothers! What made that so painful was that we were(and will with my side) eventually going to let family know, but we weren't ready yet! We were both afraid of what his brother's and their W's would do or say. Well, they are all very supportive of our decision, and already love little Abbi and can't wait to meet her! <p>So, if you are able to make this M work, you can have your family know, but in your own time. We also haven't told our older 2 children, just don't really know the words to say, but they will be told. We have also given a child up for adoption, right out of high school, and the older 2 know about their older sister. That may make things a little easier for them to be understanding.<p>I guess what I'm trying to say, is stick with your plan of action, and you may want to look into doing a Plan B letter. As TMCM said(I think it was him), it may end in divorce, but you need to do this to save your love for your W if it doesn't end up in D! You can't make the decision for your W, what she is going to do. Let her go to OM, and see that her bed of roses has some pretty big thorns! Set up your time frame, but let her be the one to file any papers, so that she sees it's her fault that your M is now disolved(I'm talking about if it goes that far, not right now) Let her see that you truly want to work on your M, but w/out OM in your lives. If you can work it like Mo5 has, great! I just know that we could never have had xOM involved, for fear of our family's safety. Every story is different, but you need to stick to your guns.<p>Well, I think I have rambled, but I hope you have made some sense out of what I had to say.<p>Tigger

Thanks for your story Tigger.
When she first told me about it OM did not know and we were prepared to keep it our own special secret. OM called the next morning and the first thing he said was you are pregnant. My wife started crying and was not able to stay cool and calm under the pressure. Unfortunately her feelings for him were still too strong. She is still heavy in the fog. I guess it is time for me to really try to move on and stick with my plan B. I am thinking of travelling for awhile. I've been wanting to go to Asia. May be I will catch the end of the world cup! I need to keep my mind busy and right now I am not working and I don't really know what to do withmyself. I am moving out of our apartment and moving on with my life. But before I settle and start fresh in a new town I think I want to escape reality for awhile and travel. What do you all think?

Tofu, here's something that somewhat applies to your situation:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063b_qa.html<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Willard Harley:
<strong>There are many important issues to consider in deciding your future together. If your daughter were your only child, and if your wife were still in love with her ex-lover, who happened to be single and wanted to marry her, I would lean toward encouraging you to divorce.</strong><hr></blockquote>

Dear Tofu<p>You have received some outstanding advice from people who understand what you are going through. <p>Since I don't have a lot of time right now, I want to just address the issue of financial obligation and protecting your assets.<p>We used to have a poster here, named Bystander, who encouraged men who were married to pregnant Wayward Spouses, to consider getting a "faux" divorce to absolve them of any child support obligation in the future if the marriage doesn't work out. This also works for women married to men who have fathered a child outside tha marriage. I am one of those women who have gotten a 'faux' divorce to protect the equity in our home from being attached and distributed to the OW/OC.<p>The great thing about a 'faux' divorce is that no one has to know about it, you can go on living together as you always ahve, ignore the fact that legally you aren't really married anymore, while feeling as though nothing ahs chnaged...and the best part is that for women, they do not loose their equity or retirement or IRA's because the WS has put all assets in her name.
For the men who have pregnant WS's, they can walk away from their situation if the Wayward Wife cannot/willnot recommit to them and not be obliged to pay for a child that is not theirs.<p>Good luck, Tofu...you've come to the right place.<p>Catnip =^^=

tofu,<p>About four years ago, I was in a similar situation (wife pregnant by OM), but in many ways a very different situation (we had two children already). My wife's OM also found out about the pregnancy. This was (in some ways) very fortunate for me and the marriage---it put a ton of very difficult stress on the affair, and the affair fell apart when the OM threatened to try to pursue custody of the (unborn) child. A great lovebuster to end an affair.<p>But even with a wife who realized how many mistakes she had made---getting throught the withdrawal of the affair was still very, very tough. We are together and doing very well, and this young child is 3.5 years old now---and there's no interference from the OM.<p>But your situation is much different. You have no children with this woman. Dr. Harley's advice on this (check out the link that TMCM posted)<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>There are many important issues to consider in deciding your future together. If your daughter were your only child, and if your wife were still in love with her ex-lover, who happened to be single and wanted to marry her, I would lean toward encouraging you to divorce. But since she is the mother of your two children, no longer loves her ex-lover, and wants to save her marriage, I would encourage you to remain married and raise all three children together. <hr></blockquote><p>And this is for someone who already has raised the child. I think that you too should strongly consider divorce. There are significant financial ramifications for you should your marriage fail (you'll lose around 20% of your gross income to child support). It's much different going from 0% to 20% (your case) than it would have been for me (22% to 25%, going from 2 to 3 children). That's a big financial liability for trying to do the moral thing and attempting to save the marriage.<p>If you do want to save the marriage, then I'd encourage you to file for divorce (as catnip mentioned), and work on the "marriage" as civially divorced. That protects yourself from the financial penalties. It does not remove you from loving a child and then going through a real divorce, however. And that's a possibility that you will need to realize.<p>Based on what you've said, I'd suggest that you not really be in Plan B now (if you decide to go through with an attempt to save your marriage). You want (and need) to exhibit new marital skills to your wife. Eliminate the lovebusters (go out and buy the book---and YOU read it). You may not have a ton of time to spend with your wife, but the time that you do should be pleasant. Your Plan A is going to be a limited timeframe---your wife will probably decide something within the period of her pregnancy. You need to learn these skills regardless of what happens to your marriage---and one of the best ways is counseling with either Steve or Jenn Harley (888-639-1639). I really suggest that you have a few sessions with them---they're terrific, and they can help you with deciding if your motivation for pursuing the marriage is solid, as well as helping you design and execute a solid game plan.<p>TMCM said:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>It would be unfair to the inocent C for you to take the responsability of being his/her father while holding resentment for the circumnstances surrounding his/her birth. So you better be absolutely sure that you know what you are entering before accepting such a responsability that will affect you the rest of your life.<hr></blockquote><p>It's great advice, but you'll never be absolutely sure---it's impossible. If you feel that you have enough love for a child regardless of what mom did (or will do to you in the future), then you may be successful. But it's not going to be easy.<p>Good luck, and God bless.