Just curious how everyone's doing with this very awkward "holiday" coming up?<p>For those of you still fresh in your grief [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] , my sincerest sympathies!!!!!! {{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}!!!!!!<p>For us, it's been nearly 4 years but I haven't quite forgotten the OC connection... if we had zero contact, I might. In fact, I've been debating zero contact, since the only one who still seems to be keeping the (mail only) contact is ME! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I remember how weird H acted the Father's Day before DDay (knowing XOW was pregnant), and how after DDay I looked at the Father's Day gifts I'd gotten him with such horrid feelings... the irony. <UGH><p>We don't forget, but we CAN build a better life and a better marriage... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Prayers for all,
Offering Hope,
J [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Last year's father day was difficult, being it was a month after d-day...I got a card with a father bear playing with three cubs and I was wondering if I should have labelled it with all the kids names or what...I was not sure what the deal was back then.<p>It is a rough time...this Father's day is sooo different...Mr."T" will be taking "mini-me" to see Blue's Clue's birthday live...I will be home with Bubba...it's amazing what a year can do.<p>I, too pray for those fresh in their grief...and I pray that whatever station we are at in this situation, that it will be a day of peace for all.<p>Hugs,
Twiisty

Funny, I hadn't much thought about Father's Day in relation to H's long-over affair. I'll bet that that is for us, our children came after D-day so they are a symbol of our recommittment. I had never thought of myself as a bit lucky that way. His affair didn't take away from our children as they weren't our children yet (although we were in the process of making them our children).<p>I wish I had found the gift I want to get him sooner. It is on an adoption sight and it has the word "Father" in close to 30 languages. I think it is pretty cool considering we are now a multi-lingual, multi-national family.<p>I too wish us all peace.<p>MJ

My husband has been gone for military training for a week now. He will be gone for three more weeks. I am praying that he can stay committed while he is gone. I really miss him a lot, and I am realizing how very much he does in our life too. <p>The kids miss him too. I made a calendar with his picture and the days till his return. We talk about him a lot and mark off each day at bedtime. And I emphasize that "daddy is at work, but he WILL be back" figuring that they have been abandoned several times by several daddies. (We still haven't heard from xow/bio-mom. Yeah!!!)<p>I still have trouble accepting our situation in raising these children. I don't want to blame them. I hope that the pain in their lives is over, but my pain is so much greater because of their existence. I basically traded my pregnancies for the products of his affair. Through my hurt, I really am trying to do the best for them. Besides their basic needs, I am giving them extra hugs and trying to show them love even though I do not feel it.<p>On the other hand, hubby is really happy having custody. Besides feeling like he saved them from certain harm, he feels like he is finally on his way to becoming respectable again. And he is finally able to give someone the one thing he never had- a loving dad. <p>I admire both of those things in him, but I have such a hard time dealing with his happiness in my pain. He too has a hard time dealing with my pain in his joy. It's just a sore spot where we each swallow hard knowing the other's feelings don't match our own. So because of that I am honestly glad that he is gone on this father's day. I won't even have to deal with it. Maybe next year I will be more healed and be able to celebrate with him, but this year it just hurts too much. This year the best I could do was to let him know I am reading about how to bond with an adopted child. Maybe next year...

Well Jenny, I have a memory of horror of last Fathers Day.
I called ow at H's request to ask for baby for a while. She and I got into a heated arguement over H not calling. That I wasn't anything and HE was the Father and SHE was the Mother.
She said no way, if H wanted to see baby he could go to her home. We had the baby one time before that , it was the only time.<p>
That was the beginning of the end of seeking visits. H can see now how the constant drama would be a detriment to our survival together.<p>We now pay "hush" money and let it go on w/o us involved.<p>Actually after all of the crap from this past year we are thankful and know there'd be no way to have diapers and bottles on our precious weekends together.<p>We have been through with that for so long and are now careful about our time alone, movies, walks, dinner, talks, watching our beloved Yankee Baseball games.<p>Life is again bliss.
Fathers Day will be w/ our son and wife and new Granddaughter! Oh! Happy day.
love
Debi

{{{{{{{aimee}}}}}}}}}}<p>My sympathies for your grief. It sounds like you're doing a great job with the kids! I hope you are getting support and counseling for your own feelings. (I've lost 4 pregnancies too, one fullterm.) I can really imagine how your H might feel good, pulling the redeeming qualities out of a bad situation (you described it well!!), but that doesn't change your own feelings. I admire your reading how to bond. Wow. It sounds like you're both trying hard. I hope your H is able to call or email often. (mine is active duty and gone too.)
God bless your family and marriage recovery!!!!<p>
Gem,
Hush money--that's a good one!! I've felt like that too.<p>MJ,
waaaay cool about the Father's day gift!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Maybe I'll get one of those next year!<p>Twiisty,
It's GREAT to feel the progress that's been made! <p>HEY< did you guys see W.Harley has come out with a new book of his "complete program": Fall in Love, Stay in Love. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: Jenny ]</p>

I hate Father's day, and I think my H does too. We waited so long to be mother and father, and now this holiday I think will be forever tainted. Last year H cried on father's day-out of guilt of being a lousy father, not being with Oc? I don't know.This year he says he doesn't want to celebrate yet again, this day-again, I think, out of his unhappiness at self and my reluctance for contact with OC. It is never what I want,and my children end up suffering for it. I don't think this day will ever be a nice one for us ever.<p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: unhappy wife ]</p>

aimee2 and Unhappy wife,
I am aghast at what you fine ladies have been put through.<p>aimee you are a good bright woman and you needn't be suffering so much. Your description of joy/sadness about oc's and your never to be pregnancies make me cry.<p>No woman should be made to do what she feels she can't for it may create resentment and you will be forever changed into someone you no longer recognize.<p>You and your H apparently touch on some level. Maybe things will be a little easier when he gets back home. You must talk honestly w/o fear of your torture.<p>You must come to a better conclusion for your mental well being.<p>Prayers and love aimee2.<p>Unhappy, I answered under your thread.<p>A shame Fathers Day for your OWN 3 c's will be ruined by a selfish mistake your H made and continues to this day.<p>I will pray for your peace as always.
love
Debi

unhappy, have you and your H talked about how not celebrating impacts your children together (Gem says 3)??? There is a thread on this on general questions, what we want our children to learn from this day... Something to think about.<p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: Jenny ]</p>

As a father on Father&#8217;s day, what do I want?<p>Being totally unrealistic I wish I could see all of my family as a whole unit again. Realistically I hope to at least see my sons for a few minutes but again I don&#8217;t believe that will happen on Sunday.<p>We learned this week that our DIL (the wife of our youngest) had been in the hospital for four days before we were told. She has had premature labor contractions at only 25 weeks and has been told that she must remain in the hospital for the remainder of her pregnancy. Apparently there is a great deal of danger that she may lose the baby. I have heard of women being given orders for complete bed rest at home but not in a hospital. I am not at all familiar with the latest prenatal innovations and I am very concerned for her. I know that they want to have many children and having this much trouble with their first is certainly demoralizing for them. I understand that 28 weeks is a milestone so we are praying for that initially. <p>There are some promising things in this adversity though. One is that my W was allowed to visit her in the hospital and although the atmosphere was cold (and it wasn&#8217;t the air conditioning in the room!) at least she was able to see DIL and our son for the first time in her pregnancy. Two is that W didn&#8217;t break down after we got home although I could see that she was in some pain. We were able to talk about it as a positive incident even though the circumstances are not ideal.<p>I guess ultimately what I want is to see a healthy grandchild in 11 more weeks. I will gladly forestall any recognition as a father for that!<p>God Bless<p>ULA

Praise God, ULA, that your daughter-in-law's pregnancy is being saved! I believe she is in good hands. Keep the faith...<p>Maybe if we try to focus on The Heavenly Father for this Father's Day--and His great love for us all, maybe that can help ease the pain of all the trauma that affairs bring... He gave His only begotten (innocent) Son so that we would have forgiveness for our guilt and sins... Just imagine where we would be without God's forgiveness??? Guilty with no hope! May God's love cover us and get us through the tough times.<p>I remember when my OC brought home a Happy Father's Day to Mom card one year. He was about 6? UGH!<p>Hang in there guys... At least in most cases, there IS a dad in the home. That's a plus in spite of the minuses... It's definitely a plus. Consider yourselves hugged! <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

<p>[ June 26, 2002: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</p>

Tina, when my H decided to start visiting OC on time he normally spends with our family , and just up and made plans with OW without me even knowing it, it really pissed me off. he made an agreement with OW without talking to me first-what is that? I think that is why you had your meltdown-and rightfully so. He is doing things affecting you and not considering you at all.<p>I think you should tell H how you feel. It is like it isn't a marriage-it is him doing what he wants and expecting you to agree.<p>As for me, I think we will celebrate father's day in some way, I have bought some presents, I know our kids want to do something for him.<p>But it will always be tinged with sadness for me and for him.What a shame. He wanted to be a father for so long, and now his A and OC has even ruined that for him, and for me.

Our daughter just called and said she and her new hubby will be coming home this weekend to suprise their fathers.
It will be nice to have them home, and have some real family time. It is hard to do with the children being on their own.
I can't wait to see them and all the wedding pictures.
Tina

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>We don't forget, but we CAN build a better life and a better marriage... <hr></blockquote><p>Well said, Jenny. That is exactly how I am feeling this Father's Day. The OC always comes to mind -- I cannot help but think about it when thinking about my H's children -- but I don't let the thought of her interfere with my celebration with our children.<p>My H is the father who helps our kids with homework, drives us to the doctor, watches scary movies with them, hugs them before they slip into bed, and greets them when they wake in the morning. The presence of the OC in this world would not change any of those images in my life.<p>Tina71 and Unhappy wife:<p>I am so sorry for the pain you both are in. I keep you in my prayers constantly that you will one day find peace and move past the constant pain of your situations. I can't offer much more than my compassion and an ear to listen when times get rough.<p>Aimee:<p>I so admire what you are doing with those children. It must be much harder than adopting. Adopting to me is just like giving birth because you both become parents on equal footing at the same time. The OC situation is so much harder especially when you are at opposite ends of the emotional line. I pray for your peace of mind too.<p>MJ -- Your first Father's Day as a parent! What an exciting time for you and Mr. MJ. I hope you enjoy every moment of it.<p>Twisty, Gem, Jenny, Usedlongago and everyone else - may Father's Day and the happy memories of the past that it brings with it help you to re-connect and fall in love with your spouse all over again. Blessings to all.<p>love,
heavenly

heavenly,
Thank you as always for the peaceful wishes. My heart goes out to you and hubby also as you pass each anniversary of losing the twins. The first year is the hardest.<p>My H is deployed, as he has been for months and will be for months more (9-11 related), so I'm a little depressed. He's missed a number of important occassions, and I'm growing weary of it. <p>In addition, the XOW stopped sending OC updates shortly after H left. This is probably a complete coincidence, but it doesn't help my confidence any, and I've had unpleasant memories on my mind lately. I even had one nightmare of the XOW showing me letters H has written her. I have no reason to think he would jeopardize our marriage again when he was home for 3 years faithfully, but after being through all this... <UGH><p>Wishing everyone a peaceful day with their precious families.
J

<<My H is the father who helps our kids with homework, drives us to the doctor, watches scary movies with them, hugs them before they slip into bed, and greets them when they wake in the morning. The presence of the OC in this world would not change any of those images in my life.>><p>Heavenly,
Thank you, as usual you made me think about what I was about not to do, and that was acknowledge H for all he has done for our children. Last night I promptly wrote a note on a blank card. I felt better having done that. <p>Tina

What be going through folks' heads? My in-laws know about child with OW and how it has affected us. Would you believe Sis-I-L (whose first husband and father of her 3 children did the same thing to her with "DAUGHTER's girlfriend"!) sent H happy father's day greeting by email (she know's he rarely gets online so I get the email messages) and that one of his brothers called to wish him a happy father's day too? I am soooo furious with these unthinking people. I couldn't carry a child to full term so my pain is double! These same in-laws coming for visit end of July. Just don't know how I'll treat them...my Christianity is about to run out! It's bad enough X-OW is going for more child support, but for them to welcome C into family without either of our consent is baffling (one of his brothers who lives near invited C to family reunion a couple of years ago, but new wife says NO WAY! will C (which means X-OW would have to bring him) be welcome at HER house this time). H isn't even in contact with C other than support, so I wonder what gives them the right -- it's like giving him a prize for his infidelity. LOL, it is so hard ...

ARose,<p>I know what you mean about crazy relatives. The same thing happened to me.<p>Even though my H was not having contact with the OC, my m-i-l and s-i-l insisted on inviting the xOW and OC to family gatherings. They used to say that the child was still family, even though they knew my H did not want to be involved with the C. My H and I stopped going because of these invitations.<p>This went on for a about a year, then my m-i-l and s-i-l lost interest in the xOW and the OC. Now, they don't even see the child at all. The sad part is they made the OC believe she had a family who cared about her, then they simply stopped seeing her.<p>Once my H started seeing OC again, the child told him that she did not understand why the family stopped seeing her. They confused the poor child with their own selfish curiousity. I honestly believe they were just attracted to the drama of the situation and they didn't care about the poor child at all.<p>People can be so ridiculous sometimes.<p>Good luck to you and your H with your own family,
love,
heavenly

Well,
Guess what came in the mail today???<p>A Father's day card from lil' lady, of course, sent by her mom. I felt a mixture of disgust and rage, but also a calming sense of humor about the gesture.<p>I showed my H the card, he didn't seem the least bit thrilled. I asked if it was ok if I called so we could thank lil' lady for the card....I called and she wasn't there. <p>MAYBE she meant well, but even so, it just goes to show you how aloof to her junk she is. I would have decided that that's a thing for a parent to do when they are WITH the other parent.
Perhaps not.<p>But here is how I'll respond to her act of 'kindness'. I have a copy of a great book that gives parents directions on how to pray over their children. This is my way of returning her syrupy, poisonous-like sweetness. In the book, I'll inscribe my sincere sentiments about how we (my H and I) pray for our children...lil' lady included. I'll also probably write a separate, and accompanying letter letting her kow just how special she is to US....and that when she's in OUR care, I give lil' lady the same love, attention and care that I give my own son. And that when I pray for my son, I'll pray for lil' lady as well, since after all, she's like a daughter to me.<p>Like it or not, if she's sincere, she'll appreciate the gesture, and the fact that I took the time to write her a letter letting her know how WE feel about lil' lady.
If she was being insincere, and catty, it will bless her anyway, if she takes the time to read teh book. Either way, she get's what she needs, and I disarm her with love.
heh heh heh...