Things here seem to be getting better. <p>I still have my days that I just want to run and never look back. Days that make nothing that I do worth any effort that I am putting forth.
Then, there are the good days.<p>A couple of months ago H and I were riding along in the car, when we heard a song on the radio. It was “Halfway Home Café” by Ricky Skaggs. In the 2nd verse it tells the story of a WS saying good-bye to the OW. The OW is young and the WS says that it was all wrong from the start, but he is going home, he has been away too long. It really hit me hard and I began to cry. I whispered, “I’m glad you came home.” As I sat there in my tears, H reached over and took my hand. He kissed it, hugged it up under his arm and said, “I’m glad I came home too.”<p>We have also moved into a bigger apartment. After we got back together, I did not add H to the lease of the apartment that I had moved into when he had asked me for the separation. So moving into the larger apartment WE have signed the lease together.
I had also never changed my last name on my driver’s license in all the time we have been married (8 yrs), until now.
AND, just last week my new company rolled out a new healthcare plan, much better than H’s, and I added Lil Bit and H to the policy. Of course, I spoke to our attorney before I did it.
AND, we are again trying to conceive a child of our own. I am now on medications to help me to conceive and hopefully we will know in about 2 months if they are doing any good. <p>These things seem to be major steps for me. I feel like I am showing H that I am re-committing myself to our marriage. That I want to move past the A and become closer. <p>Many days it seems that H only wants to “keep on keeping on” without really changing what he used to do. Not giving me any sign that he is willing to re-commit.
Then something COMPLETELY out of the blue will hit me smack in the face.
Last night, we were watching TV, “Searching for an American Idol.” I was folding clothes and out of the blue H says, “When we renew our vows I want *** to sing at our wedding. And I can’t wait to see Punkin in a pretty dress, maybe she can carry the rings.” I was floored! This came from left field! But he was serious. And that makes me feel GREAT!<p>We have not decided when we will renew our vows, but we do know how we want to do it. We may wait until Lil Bit is a little older and able to walk and talk... not to mention, waiting to see when our own child will be born. <p>But this morning, I feel great. I feel that there is a little progress going on inside my H. I know that even little steps forward are much better than just standing still or, God forbid, moving backward.<p>Thank you for all your support. <p>Your insights are so helpful.
There are so many stories here that can be painful to read because they mirror what I am feeling, but knowing that even though we are all in such pain we all keep leaning on each other. And being able to do that means so much to me.<p>I keep all of you in my prayers, as my Dad says “You need the prayer, and I need the practice.”<p>God Bless,
