I have been reading the post for the last few months and have hesitated about writing in. I have mixed emotions about what has happened to me. I know that after reading the posts I am not alone. My BF of seven years had an A for the last year. D-day was Jan. 18 and I have been so confused about the situation. He tells me it is not my fault and I know that but since then he has not wanted to talk about the ordeal. The OW was due at the end of may and BF tells me that he has not talked to her and I find that hard to believe. He still keeps items that she has given to him and every time I see them it upsets me but he just doesn't get it. I feel my situation is so different for the fact that we are not married and we do not live together. I am so lost in what to do and how to deal with the situation. Every time I am with him I want to talk about what happened and all he wants to do is move forward but he never wants me to meet the child or the OW. Please offer me some advice. Is it worth the effort to stay and work it out?

Hi MMJV,
My first thought to your post was don't walk, RUN away from this drama. If you two are not living together and don't have any children together (? your post doesn't say if you have children together) then you should cut your ties. HOWEVER, I know that after being with this man for seven years there is a lot of history. You obviously love this man to have been with him for seven years. that being said, I know that walking away is easier said than done. I think that if you love this man and you believe that you two can work past this and build a future together, then you should try to make it work. I am curious though as to what kind of commitments you two have made. Are you engaged? Have you ever lived together? Is there a history of infidelity?

We are engaged and we were waiting for him to finish school but to his actions he has lost hope in his future and dreams. He has quit school and has been fighting depression. He has also been fighting what to do about OC. I am as well struggling with OC because we have no children of our own and that has always been my dream to have is first child and now that has been destroyed. I am not sure what he is going to do about OC and that causes a lot of pain. I am so confused on what to do. Many days I feel that I should run away but there has been no past history of infidelity b/w us that I know of I believe in my heart that there wasn't. It is all so new that I cannot make a decision yet.

mmjv...<p>no you are not alone here. I'm not married and we don't live together, in fact 1886 miles seperate us currently.Your D-day is the same as mine, and I have really good days and some not so good ones. I'm sure people are going to tell you the same thing they told me...RUN!!!!!!!!! But we've have had a long term relationship, and just because you arent married doesn't mean your hurt is any less.I think it's pretty typical for the betreyer to want to sweep things under the carpet and move forward. A lot of our discussions were written ones ( email) which enabled both of us to thnk about our responses and not be overly emotional or confrontational.The OW, a coworker miscarried in mid may. It hurt that he went to work everyday and saw this woman. But finally he "got it". He realized that this hurt me..and issued NO CONTACT on anything personal, if it doesnt pertain to work there is no discussion between them period.This has done wonders for me..I've actually started feeling excited about us again. My daughters and I are moving to join him the 30th of this month...so with hard work and love, on both sides...I think any relationship is salvagable

Dear mmjv,<p>I agree with the others that regardless of whether you are married legally or not, your relationship being so long term is very much the same as any marriage. Your feelings are important in this matter not your legal status.<p>I found in my situation that my H was very defensive at first. He wanted to move forward and not rehash the past. It took a lot of reading about relationships, talking about what we read, and a counsellor to set us on the right path.<p>The counsellor made my H understand that I needed to satisfy my curiosity about the A, and about what went wrong in our relationship. I personally believe that while the A was not my fault (he knew the difference between right and wrong), he was certainly not having all his needs fulfilled or he would not have looked elsewhere.<p>You will have to be guided by your gut feelings. If you love each other, if he is truly sorry and willing to work towards restoring the trust in your relationship, then you can do that. <p>All betrayed spouses deal with the same emotions you are feeling -- mourning the loss of a relationship you thought was a good one, the loss of specialness and exclusivity, the feeling of someone else having the child that was meant to be ours. You will be on a rollercoaster ride of emotions for awhile and that is perfectly normal.<p>Let yourself grieve for a while. Read everything you can on the Marriagebuilders Forum and books from the store or library on relationships. Talk to us here. I think counselling is good at the beginning because it often gets the two parties communicating and that is what you need most at this time. Do you think your BF would go to counselling with you?<p>Take it one step at a time and be assured that if you both work hard, you can rebuild your relationship and you can be happy again. I know that's hard to believe but many of us on this forum are living proof of that fact.<p>love,
heavenly

Wow, although your relationship sounds like you both have made a serious investment (7 years of your lives), your fiance has really sent you a strong message regarding the level of his commitment! (ZERO!) [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Consider yourself hugged. AND consider yourself blessed that you did not marry him sooner. I know it's sad that he would trash all you two have been building, but if I were you, I would not let this go and I would hold him accountable by letting him feel the consequences of his acts... Let him feel the consequences of his actions by LEAVING him! It's the only way you can avoid future pain for sure!<p>If you go through with it, you will have in the back of your mind a question about whether or not he will choose to do this to you again?! If you leave, you won't have any questions! You will KNOW he won't ever do this to you again! (((HUGS))) I know this is hard for you.<p>Don't forget about the whole child support issue. Nah, this is just way too much for a new bride to deal with... Don'tcha think???? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]