When I left my husband of 23 years, my main goal was not to look back, lest I turn into a pillar of salt.

Now, after 4 years on my own, with a couple of brief encounters and having reached my modest short term goals, I find myself considering returning to what I left.

Anyone out there have any thoughts on the subject of getting back together with a spouse?

Let me know if you do, or if you can suggest any reading material on the subject.

Thank you,
Imp

Marriage is always worth working on. The main questions are why did you leave him and has this changed. Your problems need to be resolved in your marriage for you both to be happy.

Thank you for your thought. I agree completely, I'm just not sure how to get on with it. We live in different states now and one of us would have to move. Thank you again for your reply.

Imp

IdahoImp,

Well, I think you would need to do some reading here about marriages. I would suggest you start with NEEDS and meeting them, then move to love busters and how they erode a marriage, THEN read about the 4 rules of a marriage, and finally learn two very important tools: The Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA, and The policy of "radical honesty".

Why do I suggest this? Because no matter the status of the marriage when you left, if it is to be rebuilt it ought to be done with a plan and an idea of how to do it. What I suggested to you is a plan and within that plan are the tools to rebuild if you want to.

I would like to suggest you look up a poster named "Hopeful_Person" I forget if she posed in Recovery or GQII, but look in both places. Her marriage ended because of her 4 year affair. She then realized she did love her H and wanted the marriage, so she went to work on it and 18 months or so later they remarried. It was NOT an easy trip.

They did have children together, and that helped, but I think what helped the most was that she had changed her perspective on herself and her H a lot. She KNEW what had failed and she set about to show him she knew and wanted nothing more than a second chance.

You have not said what your status is. I am assuming you are divorced. Do you have children, where are they if you do? Why did you leave? This sort of information would be very useful in providing some better advice.

But the short answer is yes it is possible. It is really up to you, if this is what you want. If it is just a passing fancy, then it may be too hard for you to handle. If you are serious, then let us know and I am sure people will offer you ideas on how to break the ice and sort of get this thing going.

Please read the articles here because I think they will lead you to realize that this can be done.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you JL,

I will do the research you suggested. Thank you for the leads.

As to my status, I am divorced, we had no children. I fled an enviroment that I could no longer tolorate and sincerely believe that I did the right thing for myself at that time. My marriage was nurturing of all the bad things about both of us and none of the good.

I believe that my Ex's drug use made him unable to comprehend how serious I was about wanting changes in our life style. I don't want drugs or drug users in my life ever again and had been sick of it for many years.

One makes a vow of "in Sickness or in Health", and I believe there is an implied responsibility in that vow to maintain heath rather then sickness.

I miss being married, and seem to be unwilling to move forward from this point in my life - closure is needed and perhaps I will begin to find it with a little help.

There is always the chance that the horse will learn to sing. However; the desire for song is required, and motivating others has never been one of my strong points.

Thank you again for the reply.

Imp

Imp,

Just something for you to consider. You will find in one of Harley's articles that he will NOT do marriage counseling with anyone where there is another addiction such as drugs. He apparently specialized in that as well, and learned that until such an addiction is addressed and overcome there was really no hope for working on the marriage.

I assume that your exH is clean now and has been so for awhile. If he is not, then...

God Bless,

JL

Darn, I think I lost the post I wanted to send.

I doubt that my ex is drug free. Only way I could be sure would be to move back to where he is, or, move him up here.

GRRRRRRRRR, I am not faultless, by any means.

Thank you for the post. I am going on a road trip with me and my camping gear.

Thinking is

Imp.