My live in boyfriend of 8 years had an affair that lasted about 6 weeks. He broke it off for two of those weeks. He moved out for four days but realized how much he loved me and his 10-year old daughter whom we have custody of and came home.<p>We read from this website how to break off an affair and did so. Things have been working out well for the past two weeks until last Friday. We were opening up more, receiving counseling and becoming much closer. Friday the OW called his employer and left a message of urgency. He called her back only to find out that she is pregnant.<p>My BF does not want to go back to her. He told her he made up his mind but feels if the child is his he must help her out. She wants him there for the birth and child support. He is a good man and feels he should do this. She will not even talk about having an abortion. <p>I have mixed feeling about this. It has been traumatic enough and now the possibility of another child. We have no children together but had recently been discussing it. <p>This is our worst nightmare. He is also afraid to see her again and that she will continue to play mind games with him. We both feel that she was out to trick him since he is a nice guy and gullible. She did this to another man and now has a two year old. She was looking to find a meal ticket. How do we go on?<p>We have talked about trying to take custody of the child once it is born. We don't know when that will be, probably January or February. What rights does he have? We are concerned about our legal rights as well as our emotions. <p>Can anyone give us some advice.

Unless the mother is a serious drug abuser or has been charged with endangering her children.. it is pretty tuff to walk up and just try to take someones child. I know as a mother, you would have a major fight on your hands if someone even thought of taking my children. MOTHERS TEND TO BE LIONS WHEN IT COMES TO OUR CHILDREN.
So please rethink that issue, it might hurt you in the end. BF does have the right to particiapate and help raise that baby and give him/her all the love and happiness he deserves.
BF also have the right to pay child support and walk away from his parenting rights and this does seem to help some marriages on this forum.
I cant imagine how devistating this news would be, but many here have handled it successfully for their relationship. I am sure many will come and help you.
call a lawyer to find your rights, all states are different.
Just because he has decided to have contact with the child, does not mean your relationship has to end, some have grown stronger.

{{{Hugs In}}}}<p>your situation is similar to mine. If I had to relive it...the first thing I'd do is demand proof that there is even a pregnancy. Did he have unprotected sex with her? If so I'd also be tested for STD's.<p>Gotta love those nice, guillible men of ours. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

inrecovery,<p>***it is pretty tuff to walk up and just try to take someones child***<p>Please keep in mind it is not,as MOF, states, somesone's child. That child is as much his as it is hers and he has the same intitlements to the child as she does. Just because she is the mom does not give her any special privleges as far as custody is concerned.
Most OW scream that they want MM involved but what they are really after is that check .
Go for custody if you feel you can live with it and offer the child a nuturing home.
Our attorney tried to get us to go for custody, felt we would have no problem getting it. But that was not an option for me.
Good Luck !!
jtigger

JTigger<p>I certainly agree.. the boyfriend/father of the baby has as much right to the baby as mother, sorry if my post confused you. I was merely pointing out, they wll most likely have to share child. Not one get to take over the other.. thats all.. not meant to offend. please dont take it that way.
I just dont think it is realistic to let smeone think they can gain custody of a child for the mere reason they do not want to deal with the mother. It isnt realistic and in most cases will not happen. thats all.
AND I dont think trying to take a child from a mother with out a valid reason serves a purpose that will do any thing but hurt a child.
The baby isnt here yet, but if they find she is not cared for and abused and is not in a safe environment then by all means go for broke and get that baby into a loving home.
I did not mean the BF had no rights, just mean most like she would have to share rights thats all.<p>[ June 17, 2002: Message edited by: mom of five ]</p>

I realize that we could not take the baby away from her totally. It's just that she is having a difficult time taking care of her 1st child, we are worried about the situation with the 2nd child. We (even though not married) are much more stable.<p>He told her that he wants her to quit smoking for the baby. She refuses. He is uneasy about her lifestyle and drinking. He neither drinks nor smokes. <p>I have never met her and had hoped never would have to. Since this news, I guess it's inevitable. She has threatened that she will get nasty about this. When she called Friday she said she wanted him to come back. He advised that that will not happen, but he will be a responsible parent provided she can give him proof that it is his. <p>Because this is not the first time for this to go on for her, we believe she attempted to trap him.
I'm afraid of what more she will try. She is much younger and willing to try anything. <p>How much of her torture can we handle? The ball is in her court and our hands are tied. All we can do is go crazy. She claims she will call in two weeks with more information. Should we be contacting her with the request to contact her doctor? This is all new to me. <p>If anyone can enlighten me on what steps we should be taking.<p>Thanks,

InRecovery,
Although my situation was not exactly the
same (husband found out about child from
very brief relationship when child was
2 years old) I can definitely feel for
you and have a couple of suggestions
based on our experience.<p>It sounds like the pregnancy may be
a desperate attempt to have an excuse
to contact your BF, or to try to get
him back, and until he knows for sure
by DNA tests that he is the father,
I don't think your BF needs to be making
any changes or decisions. He needs to
be concentrating on recovery of his
relationship with you, and continuing
NO contact with her.
If he is proven by DNA tests to be the the
father, then he will need to make decisions
regarding contact with the child, and will
have to make legal arrangements for child
support, visitation, and custody issues.
In my opinion, that is the extent of his
responsibility to OW- his obligations
are to YOU and your relationship.
He is not responsible to be her "friend",
be there for the birth, or provide any
financial assistance for her !<p>In the case that there is no pregnancy,
time will soon tell and obviously,
nothing will come of her plot, as long
has he continues to have No contact,
and to strongly stick with his position
of not returning to her.<p>In our case, my husband was found to
be the father through DNA tests, and
made legal arrangements to pay child
support and carry the child on our medical
insurance. The arrangements were made
through the courts with no contact
whatsoever between us and the mother.
We have no contact at all.<p>Hope all works out for you- stay strong !
Slammed

inrecovery<p>I understand your concerns about the smoking, I had the same concerns about my niece, But she wouldnt listen. But unfortunately they dont consider that to be unfit. Unless she is smoking something illegal, they just consider that to be stupid.
It can be tough to be a single parent, she might be willing to let your boyfriend have custody, you never know.
I agree you should wait till there has been DNA.. Up untill then you dont really know, and as you know many people have been tricked into thinking somone was pregnant. I just think you should look after you right now, and see what transpires, and YES while she is pregnant and you dont know it is all in her court.. but she cant make any decisions except abortion while she is pregnant, so I would just wait and see and try and move on to you and his relationship while this takes place.
I think it will help you to vent here instead of at home, and maybe make things more pleasant and take your minds off this mess.
If she harrasses you, get a restraining order. You dont deserve to be harrassesed and your boyfriend doesnt have to do any thing , she is angry right now and maybe a little scared, for now ignore it and worry about you.

Dear IR,<p>I am sorry that you and your BF are in this situation. I am sorry that yet another person didn't realize the importance of fidelity, even in non-married relationships.<p>Not all couples can handle contact and I would say be careful what you wish for, you might just get it. <p>Aimee posts here fairly often and she and her husband have full custody of his two OC by his affair. She is having a very hard time adjusting to the changes that this has rained down upon her life. She is the primary caregiver for two children who remind her of her husband's infidelity. Her life has been completely turned upside down. They have had many miscarriages of their own and now she is raising the children that she and her husband should have had together. I think he is military and often away for extended periods and she gets the burden of raising them.<p>Aimee gives those children her all and does everything in her power to love and form a bond with those children, but the bonding is just not happening in the way she would like it to. The children have had a rough start in their lives and have suffered abuse and their history probably has a real impact on their behavior.<p>On the other hand, Stacia posts here all the time also. She and her husband have split physical custody of his child by his affair. She adores this child that they call "Lil Bit." Stacia is baby-crazy. <p>I don't think that she is a better, kinder person than Aimee; I am not making value judgements on either of them. I think that some people have enormous amounts of flexibility and Stacia just happens to be one of those people. I don't think that it even matters about Christian/faith status. There are some very honorable Christian/faithful women on this board who could not and would not do what either Stacia nor Aimee are doing.<p>You are pretty new to this mess. Please proceed with caution.<p>MJ<p>PS your boyfriend owes no support/friendship/money to this woman until the child is born and proven to be his biological child. <p>PSS Many of our men are kind and gulliable, but to be totally honest, no one is that naive that they should be getting trapped by women. It is, IMO, a mistake to remove the responsibility from the shoulders of these men. What the women chose to do after the conception is basically up to them but all of our men had a choice not to get invovled in the first place.

inrecovery,
One more thing. There is NO need for man to be AT the birth unless they are a couple bonding!!! That is the point of the man providing emotional support at a birth: bonding.<p>You'll get good advice at MarriageBuilders!
Prayers,
J
in recovery 3.5 years

inrecovery,<p>I am sorry you have to be here, but you will find excellent advice here and caring people who have been in your shoes.<p>I want to emphasize what jenny said -- being at the birth is support for the mother -- not for the child. The baby is not going to remember who was present at its birth. The OW usually wants the WS there to bond with HER over the birth. Don't let your BF fall into that trap.<p>He wants to do the right thing which is admirable, but as MJ said it is allright for some and not for others. You have time to figure it out -- don't rush with your decisions.<p>Sending you prayers,
love,
heavenly

Thanks for all your support. I have shared it with my BF and he is appreciative too.<p>We have not used the internet that much and are amazed at how wonderful this site is.<p>For those that have gone through this - how did your H or SO deal with the news of the pregnancy?<p>In order to verify that it is his child do we need to wait until the baby is born to do DNA tests are can it be done before?<p>This is all new to us and is scaring the hell out of us.<p>Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks again.

It is POSSIBLE to have DNA done prior to birth, if the XOW is having an amnio or something similarly invasive. In most cases, it is done after the birth, either blood drawn or (more gentle to the child!) a cheek swab can be used. We got an independent lab to do it for $200 per person (yes we had to pay for XOW and OC also), with results in about 4 weeks, I think. All 3 people must be tested to compare DNA.<p>How did my H react to the news...? he was nearly suicidal. He did not want a life with XOW, did not want OC, figured he was about to lose his wife and existing children as well as his career. Shocked, weirded-out, depressed, furious, tremendous guilt... just doesn't cover it.

I agree with jenny on the bonding thing. The baby wont know the difference, let her family be there for her or a close friend.
My husband was with me during the birth of all my children including our littlest one. It was as it should be. I didnt even need or want XOM there. He isnt needed.
I had an amnio done for my last because of my age, but wish I hadnt, it was not needed and if the baby had downs or not wasnt going to change it. I shouldnt have taken the risk and would never recomend it. WE didnt do DNA testing at that time, I already new and he wasnt in my life so I didnt see the point of the expense. But WHEN he was ready to tell his wife that he was going to be involved, he and I did a test and mailed it in, I paid for it. I insisted, so I didnt have to hear.. we dont know for sure.
It was done independently. I did not test, just baby and father. cost was 200

Hi inrecovery, I have never been in your situation but I hope that my contribution to your problem, would be appreciated.We all know that the OW did this just to hold your BF. But before you make any hasty decisions and jump to any conclusions, find out first if she is really pregrant and if it's for your BF.
The next step is for you and your BF to get down on your knees and pray about it.
This may not seem like the type of advice that your willing to hear now but remember, "There is notting to hard for the Lord". He can turn around any situation that we may sometime find ourselves in.
Don't give up hope that the situation can not turn around and keep the faith.
God bless and good luck.
June 18th 2002. Nevertheless <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by inrecovery:
<strong>Thanks for all your support. I have shared it with my BF and he is appreciative too.<p>We have not used the internet that much and are amazed at how wonderful this site is.<p>For those that have gone through this - how did your H or SO deal with the news of the pregnancy?<p>In order to verify that it is his child do we need to wait until the baby is born to do DNA tests are can it be done before?<p>This is all new to us and is scaring the hell out of us.<p>Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks again.</strong><hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks everyone.<p>Just a quick question. Should we contact her to get more proof that she is pregnant or wait the two weeks when she said she'd call back? I'm wondering if she thinks he can't wait the two weeks and he'll call. <p>She lives out of town (about 30 miles) so we should not have to worry about running into her constantly (hopefully). He said he didn't tell her where we live but all she has to do is look in the phone book and ask where our road is. She didn't have his work number but she called there. <p>He is very naive about what this woman could do to make our lives difficult beside being pregnant. But then again once she realizes that he is not going to go running back to her, maybe she'll get a clue. She's only 24. Time for her to grow up.<p>Any advice would be great.

Since your goal is to keep her away from your boyfriend, I wouldnt contact her for any reason.JMHO
You will know soon enough if she is pregnant, and you probably wont know till she has the baby if it is his.
If she is pregnant she will eventually be able to show you proof.
You and your BF have to sit and decide what is best for the two of you and what you are both comfortable with. Then make a decision.

The first thing that I would do was make sure that there was in fact a pregnancy. Unfortunately, we women still think that a child will keep a man. Even if we aren't pregnant, we still sometimes claim that. <p>And, please make sure that you get yourself checked out.<p>When my H had an A, his OW told me that she might be pregnant. At first I flipped out. I told my H that the marriage was over. I knew that I could not deal with a child b/c it would be a reminder of my H's A. In a nutshell, she lied. She was trying to drive a wedge b/w my H & I after he broke it off with her. <p>Also, be sure to make an appointment with the doctor to make sure that he did not give you a STD. <p>Lastly, if the W is pregnant, ask yourself if you can deal w/her on a constant basis. Trust me, it will only get harder when the child is born. If she is like most manipulative women, the W is going to do everything to get him alone with her (using the child will not be beneath her). It will be harder, before it gets better. <p>Think very hard, but make sure all of the facts are at hand.

The saga continues.<p>My BF called the OW today. She has said she will have an abortion. He said he couldn't stand not knowing. But he said they talked for over an hour. He now is saying he needs his own place to get his sh** straightened out.
I don't know how much more of this I can stand. It's like a roller coaster ride. Things were working out well until she called.
His therapist last night said he should get his own place. My response was "if we were married would she say the same thing?"
What can I do?

Sorry you are having a very difficult time.<p>Don't know if I can be of much help, but
I did have a couple thoughts regarding
the latest developments-
sounds like the phone call from OW
has caused your BF to go back into
"withdrawal", or at least feel guilty,
which may be exactly what OW was trying
to do.
Just my opinion, but seems to me that
whatever she decides to do (abortion,
adoption, having child) is completely
her decision, and shouldn't involve your
BF whatsoever, unless she has the child
and proves it to be his.
For this reason, and because their
relationship is supposed to be OVER,
your BF needs to be having NO contact
at all with her. Everytime he does,
it is going to put him right back into
withdrawal, confusion and guilt !<p>Seems like he is feeling drawn back
into involvement of some sort with her
when he shouldn't be- his committment
is supposed to be with you and that
is where his effort should be going.<p>Have you read and discussed the MB
principles ? Is he agreeable to
them, including NO Contact ?
Does he realize that he is jeopardizing
his relationship with you , and is
he willing to do that ?
Obviously, you can't keep him from
leaving to be on his own, but I can
certainly understand how that must
make you feel ! And, with the way
he is feeling it doesn't seem like a
good idea- too easy for OW to get
back into the picture.
Did he say why his counselor suggested
it ? What is it he thinks he is
going to accomplish alone ? Is he
trying to decide whether he is going
to be with her or you ?
If you can talk, I'd sure want answers
to these and other questions, and
you should certainly be entitled to
express your concerns and thoughts.<p>You may have to take a pretty firm stand,
and if necessary , seperate (PLAN B).
It's hard, but does seem sometimes to
be the only thing that makes them realize
what they will lose if they don't "turn
around". Also makes it a little easier
for you, because you can get off the
"merry-go-round" for awhile and have
a chance to just work on you.<p>Since you don't know if she
really is even pregnant, it seems
like her saying she will have an
abortion could just be her way of
getting out of the lie, since she
knows she'd eventually be found out !<p>Just some thoughts- hang in there.