My H just accepted a new job, a month and a half ago. I admit that he said the traveling was going to be a little more, but I didn't realize it would be this much.
The first 3 weeks in May he worked in town so he was home every night. Then the training started where he needs to go to all the districts and see how the stores are run and meet the people he will be working with. I am now into my third or fourth week now (I can't remember)and it is taking its toll.
A week ago he left on a Mon morning, came home Fathers day at 10:30 am and then left Mon (today) at 2 am. This will be going on for a few more weeks.
It is part of his contract that we are to move to Tenn, the state that the home office is in, when we are more able to. (He had asked them if he could wait cuz at the time I was pregnant, but since the miscarriage happened we could really move at any time.) This week he is there setting up his office and getting an idea as to just how much time he will need to be there. The home office is over 9 hours away. He is pretty high up now, so I figure he will need to spend some time there, in addition to the traveling he does to visit the stores too. I know he will have to travel from anywhere we live to visit the stores. I just feel as if the weeks he spends at the home office are weeks he could be coming home at night, so we should move. It feels right now that it will be 100% travel, but he says it will lighten up. But again anytime he is in Tenn I know that I could be there with him and he would be coming home for dinner instead of just calling me from his hotel. He says that he wants to wait to see just how much time he would need to be there and if the job is what he expected. Since we are rooted here in NC (somewhat, we have only been here 11 months) he wants to stay here till he is sure. He says this could take a while to figure out...maybe even 6 months. I understand it, but I can't help but feel I am once again in limbo (see my last post about the baby situation) <p>I also feel that this time is crucial to our healing and it is hard to work on things either over the phone or on weekends. And oftentimes when we try to work on things on the weekends we wind up fighting so the time is short and full of tension. And when he is gone my mind is constantly on the affair or I see the triggers...and I want him to be here to comfort me. I also miss sleeping beside him.
I think I also am a little jealous b/c I know he is out there experiencing so much and I am at home working thru all this and keeping up the fort.
But the big part is I am so lonely at night. After the kids go to bed, and the house is dark and quiet, it all just surrounds me and my mind won't shut down. I keep myself plenty busy during the days, but I am beginning to dread the nights. I come to the computer to IM with people and read the boards. I guess in a way it is good b/c there is no way I can come on the boards during the days and if he is home I try to spend the time with him. But this week after week, it is just taking its toll on me... <p>Sorry about the vent, just had to get it all out tonight! <p>
NGU

sorry I didn't hit the e-mail notification button, and I can't delete it so...I posted twice trying to delete. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

NGU,
I'm sorry for your situation. It really caught my eye because, due to H's being active duty military, I've been a "single mom" for months and expect months more. It sure doesn't help healing any! It's really helpful to have friends or family who understand your need for adult company and conversation... But my situation is different from yours.<p>I need to run, but maybe I can post more later.
In the meantime, {{{{{{{{{{NGU}}}}}}}}}}}}
Hugs,
J

I noticed your question in recovery about things you can do with the kids. <p>Well, tonight I took mine to the local 1/4mile track and walked a mile (hope to work my way up!!). When the youngest got tired, I pushed her in the stroller. I also have a bicycle trailer so I can take the youngest while the older and I bicycle. Exercise is GOOD!!<p>Lately we've gone swimming, to a local wading creek, a museum, to the zoo, to the wild animal park... and these latter are all times when at least one other mom-and-kids we knew went too, so I had at least one adult to talk with, and the kids had playmates!! <p>It is great to cultivate several family friends like this, not just one, whose company you enjoy... whether that be from the neighborhood, church, school, or club. <p>Are there any clubs in your area that your kids might be interested? BoyScouts? Chess? Sports? Even gardening? These are another jumping off point for finding similar-minded families to do things will, thus getting the adult-conversation and playmate factors [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You might be surprised how many other moms are in a similar position, hubby working long hours or traveling, who really wish for someone to go for a walk with or trade babysitting so you and she can go to the gym.<p>As for whether your H really needs to tow the line is his work situation unchangable at this point? I have NO CLUE. As a military wife, I know nothing about the flexibility of civilian jobs. But I hope these are some ideas for you and the kids.
--------------------------------------------<p>Some other things my kids like to do are:
-chase butterflies and grasshoppers with their bug nets,
-play with pets (a turtle? a kitten?)
-play ball,
-go to the library; read (alone or together--do a great short-chapter book together!),
-explore favorite topics (do you have one fascinated by dinosaurs or planets or something?)...
-Before we moved, we even spent time making treats and taking them to an old age home!<p>Of course, sometimes they just veg in front of a movie, but we get along better when they (and I) get more exercise.<p>And if you think of any things to do too, please share!! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]
J

Jenny, thanks for the ideas.
A few days before Fathers Day I had suggested to my H that he take the girls to a movie, b/c they would have loved to spend some time with him, and I could watch the baby at home. His response was "Oh so I don't see you durigng the week either..." I was planning to meet him for dinner after the movie with the baby. So I found this place, it is called the Discovery Place, and it is a hands on type of museum/aquarium. He said great lets all go there. I mention it to the kids and they are all excited. The night before Fathers Day he says, "Lets just stay home."...I was really looking forward to that. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I figure I can take the kids there...right? We went to the park today, actually two. I did go with a friend, but she can't take heat for a long period of time so she left earlier. We came home, cleaned the van, had grilled cheese for dinner and then I sat on the porch with a 1/2 gallon of ice cream, bowls of sprinkles and cones, and dished out cones for the kids and any friends that showed up.
A few nights ago we went to the video store and rented movies and plan on pulling out the sofa-bed in the playroom and watching movies.
Any ideas that have come to light? Ceramics, but I need to find a sitter for the baby for that one!
One of my girls loves dolphins, the other unicorns.<p>I guess I am doing okay with filling up the days but the nights are so hard. And I bring things up too much and keep going at them, and I am not going to do that with this issue. He asked me tonite what was wrong on the phone and I said "I am wondering if you have gotten an idea of our moving, but I know that you need more time to figure it out." He said it was a probability. We could talk more later. God, how I hate that! As far as I am concerned lets get it out now!<p>So here I sit, another night at the computer...I am tired but not sleepy. It's just that the bed is so empty. And my mind is still going in a thousand directions, but that would be another post!...and man if I posted all that I would really confuse everyone!<p>Thanks for the ideas!
NGU<p>[ June 18, 2002: Message edited by: Not Giving Up ]</p>

NGU,
Do you ever journal? <p>I'm the type that likes to "talk things out," and it also helps some to write things out, or to answer questions in a self-help workbook/studyguide/whatever. My H is the type to THINK everything out and THEN get back to me, while I tend to do my thinking outloud or on paper, or I get confused as to how I even feel!! <p>I spend pointless hours on the computer sometimes. The hours I spend are rarely worth the time I waste, and I once read an article about high computer usage being associated with DEPRESSION. It is a poor substitute for a real live human, but I do it too. I know prayer and exercise and just plain reading and getting to bed earlier would be better... Here I am lecturing you about what IIIIIII need to change--haha!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm sorry your H didn't follow thru with the plans; that would really disappoint me too. If your H is like mine, he gets tired of being out and wants to be home, while the kids and I feel like we waited for him to come home so we could go somewhere with him! ACK!! My H is pretty good about find a compromise once we get the issue(s) on the table, so that everyone gets some needs met.<p>I gotta go again.
Hugs,
J

I would like to journal, but my H and I got in a huge fight about this.I too feel that I am much better at pen to paper than the spoken word. I get very flustered when things get heated.
I used to journal when I was suffering from my eating disorder, which I stopped when I got engaged. I then took it back up right after d-day. For some reason it never took.
Then my H and I were arguing alot about the same issues over and over again. He said he wanted to start writing down our arguments when they happened, (we could each do this) but he wanted to do it so that when we argued about what was said,(yes it was THAT bad, arguing over what we argued about in the past,) we could go back and use this as a reference. I felt very threatened by this as it was only going to be his perception of the fight, and just a history of bad times. He then agreed that since it bothered me so much he would not do it,(but refers back to it alot).
For me, even if I was to write about my feelings right now, I feel somewhat hypocritical asking him not to journal our fights, but me journal everything else, which would probably include our fights also. And also I feel that if he ever got a hold of it, and I had been having a bad day, that he would read things that I was feeling AT THE TIME, but not necessarily believe in my heart, you know the kind of "need to vent" thing? I think it would hurt him and our recovery. He tends to hold on to the wrong things too tightly sometimes, and never let me forget that such a thought had ever entered my mind.<p>I don't see it as an option, although I do miss it a bit [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] !
NGU