I am 18 I have been married for 2 years I have been with him for 3 and a half years total we have a 1 yr old son together. He is 30 and treats me like I am his child most of the time. I have been on a roller coaster ride with him for the last year and a half. He has an obsession with porn but he doesnt want to watch it together. He sneaks around and des it while I am asleep or in the bathtub or while I am at work or at the store. I have actualy walked in on him jerking off about 10 times in the last 3 yrs. But I know he jerks off whenever I am away. The problem with this is he doesnt want me he wants just his hand and porn. he calls me a ***** and a **** and whenever I say someting about him wastching pornhe yells and screams and gets all mad. I finally go fed up and I met and have fallen in love with someone else... Now I am notsure what to do. I share a son with him and I use to love him but we fight everyday and I hate being with him now Im not happy with him. He doesnt know about the O/M. EverytimeI tell my husband I want to leave hegets mad ad starts crying and says he loves me and his son and he doesnt want our marriage to end and he says he will change But... he never does. everything added together has just made me crazy. I am so happy with t o/m and so unhappy with my husband. What should I do now??? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Wow-I had to respond because I hear you loud and clear. You are young and deserve to be happy. I am worried that the OM (other man) is only suppling some of your needs. For your family's sake I hope that you will read Dr Harley's information. It is very helpful. Do not be too hard on yourself, although my H had the A I realize that I too played a role in it. You need to read the information so that you can understand the reasons way. It is also likely that your husband is not happy. If you use the MB principles they will guide you. As for telling or not telling, this is difficult. Yes you would like honesty in the relationship. You will likely need MC too. Maybe someone else can help with that one. The porn is a problem, esp. since he is doing it alone. That is a tough one, but others here have some more info. Keep reading and posting. I know there is hope for your marriage. You need to give up the OM and commit yourself back to the marriage otherwise there is no hope-for either relationship. You need to let go so that your head will be clear to make the needed choice. You need to understand by reading here first. If not, both relationships are doomed. You have taken the first step toward healing. We are here for you and many others have been in the same situation. Give this a chance and you may find happiness. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

I broke it off with the OM however I feel bad because the one I should have ended it with should have been my husband. My H doesnt spend anytime with me or more importantly our son however the OM spends time with my son and plays with him just like he is his child my son loves the om more than his own dad. It feels so good to be with the OM he doesnt yell or curse at me and I actually feel loved when I am with him. I dont know if I made the right choice.... [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

You were right to break off contact with OM while married; adultery is still adultery (and wrong), even when the marriage relationships is "bad".<p>However, you REALLY need HELP with your marriage. Please check into arranging SOME type of counseling for yourself first--be it public health services, through some insurance, or a minister or some kind. <p>Your H's abusive behavior toward you is not acceptable. Not only is it bad for you, for your marriage, but also for your young son. He sounds like a porn addict--there are such things. Unless he's willing to admit it and seek help for his problems, I don't know what your options are (besides divorce), but FIND OUT!!! I'm not a professional, but a decent counselor should be able to help you, and if they don't, keep looking!!!!!!!!!!! If your H will not accept help with his abuse and porn, your marital future looks very bleak. But if your marriage fails, don't jump into another relationship without getting counseling for your own issues, to see what attracted you to this situation, and at such a young age. (I was also in an abusive relationship with a boyfriend in high school, and I got at least 2 years of counseling afterward... wish I had started SOONER!!!)<p>Please don't get involved with another man until you are LEGALLY and emotionally free to do so; it only complicates an already bad situation... <p>Sorry if this came out preachy but I'm rushed, and you DID ask for advice!<p>Prayers and hugs,
J
BS
in recovery nearly 4 years and happy

H. wont admit he has problem with porn how ever he does. Hehas a BIG problem he is an addicted to it. And he WONT stop he has said if I couldnt accept him te way he ws then to move out. So I am up against the wall. he wont get help for any of his problems and as I see it the best thing for me and myself would be to get a fresh start on our own... I had some hope at the begining of the marriage but now I cant say there is any hope because I dont feel like there is. So we shall see... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Always follow your heartalways follow your heart

I know how it feels to be with someone who can not see or isn't willing to admit that they have a problem that is destroying the marriage. I had an affair which made me feel happy and I detached from my H and his destructive behavoirs. I stopped caring what he did or didn't do. I stopped nagging at him and I just moved ahead prepared to divorce him. Without rewriting my entire history, he got help for his addiction and we did not divorce. I didn't come out of my 6 1/2 year affair unscathed. It prolonged my marriage and had my H not changed, I may have still been in it when I was not happy and not fullfilled. I do not wish that living hell onto anyone. Having the OM in your life is bridging your happiness between what you get from being married to the father of your child, security, etc and what your OM does for you to make you feel happy and cared for. Its no life and it can't and won't last forever. <p>You can't force H to change, you can only control yourself. I know this is a site for marriagebuilders, but if he isn't willing to do his part to give you what you need in this partnership, I think that you should move ahead with finding real happiness and security for yourself and your child. <p>There is nothing wrong with following your heart. I have done it and sometimes it led me to great places and other times, into a tangled web. I would say let your heart do the driving, but copilot with your eyes so that you can see where you are headed and your brain so that you can think through the moment and into the future. You have a child to think about and right now, he has to be top priority in your pursuit of the brass ring.