Hi, I have been reading posts but this is my first time posting. I have been married for 17 years and found out 2.5 years ago that my husband was having an affair. I found out through an annonymous letter that was written to me. I was also told that they have a child together. I wish I had found this site along time ago because I think it would have prevented alot of heartache from then until now. Needless to say alot had happened and my husband and I seperated for 6 months and he was still seeing OW and she got pregnant again. We are now back together and trying to reconcile our marriage. I am having alot of difficulties with OW because she wants her children to be in husbands life and I know that I cannot deal with that. My husband is torn because he doesn't want to hurt me and our four children but also feels its not the oc fault either. I have asked that he have no contact with ow unless I am present because of oc. The ow makes me feel guilty that oc have to suffer because I can't handle it. Am I being unreasonable in asking that it be limited contact with the oc. Ow has told me she will move to be closer to my husband(we are another state now) for her childrens sake. She always told my husband she wouldn't take him to court but supposedly she had to go on welfare because she lost her job and the courts awarded her 1000.00 a month mind you my husband only brings home 1900.00 a month for us to live on. She went to the hearing and told the courts she didn't need that much but wanted H to have a relationship with OC so the courts decided to lowere amount as long as he had contact and that if she felt it wasn't happening she could get the full amount. I really don't know what to do, I am feeling as if I either have to hurt because of seeing OC or be hurt for not having my family together because of this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Sorry so long and I know i left some things out it has been a very stressful time.

Hello,
Sorry to say welcome. I really don't have much advise. But I understand about limited contact with OC. I do not think it is wrong to ask your H to have limited contact so you can work on marriage.<p>Dawn

Thank you for your reply. I am hoping MB will help me in our recovery. Although I really wished I didn't have to be here. Thanks again.

I have read alot since I have been coming in here and so many people had such great things to say. I was wondering why I haven't received that same kind of responce except from Dawn. It would really help if I had someone to talk to. I was afraid to post for feeling that noone would respond. I hope that I too will be able to benefit from all of you.

Dear Always,<p>I'm not sure why you haven't had more advice offered. I know that for myself, I don't really know what to offer you, as I haven't "been in your shoes". I have been on this board for almost 2 yrs now, and have seen so many different results to visitation. Has your H read any of the info from this board? Have you both been practicing the Policy of Joint Agreement? Are you in any kind of counseling? I wish I had more to offer you in your time of need, but don't feel as if you are being ignored. I am sure that more will show up to offer advice, or share their experiences.<p>Tigger

Dear alwaysworried,<p>Just wanted to also welcome you to the site and let you know that sometimes things are slow because some don't have time to give lengthy responses. Sometimes it is slow because a lot is going on and there are many posts. <p>I just peeked in because I didn't have much time tonight. There were lots of things I wanted to respond to but did not have time. But you sounded so disheartened, I had to take a moment and write to you.<p>There are a few people on here with 2OCs and I am sure they will come along to talk about their experiences. Personally, I don't believe you are wrong at all. You are just starting the process of rebuilding your marriage. In order to do that, you need to concentrate on each other. But, most importantly, both of you need to feel comfortable in order to put things back on track.<p>No, the situation is not the OCs fault. And, you are accepting that your H have some contact with them. Believe me, that is a lot more than some wayward spouses can take. Your H and the ex-OW have a bit too much history between them and behind them so I can see your concerns about him spending time with the OCs with her in the picture.<p>Don't let the OW make you feel guilty. She did what was best for her and you have to do what is best for you to keep your family together. I am sure, thought, that your H is concerned that she will take him back to court.<p>My H was bending over backwards to please the ex-OW in the beginning because he was afraid she would start hauling him to court for more child support.<p>There are others on MB who act as the "go-between" to pick up OCs and to deal with phone calls about the OCs. I don't see anything wrong with this arrangement. If the ex-OW's only interest is the OCs having a relationship with their father, then she should be quite agreeable to that arrangement.<p>The important thing to remember is that you and your H should put up a united front. It has to be clear to the ex-OW that she is now dealing with a couple, not just your H. You have a role to play in the decisions that are made that will affect your marriage. <p>I hope that you and your H are keeping your communication lines very open. Read as much as you can about the MB principles and also other books on relationships and marriage. Counselling was very helpful for my H and I and you might want to consider it. We only went a short time, but it put us on the right track to communicating with each other and exploring our own minds and hearts to find out what was really important to us.<p>I am sorry that I have put so many different things in this post. I was trying to cover so many aspects of your situation -- I hope I made sense!<p>Keep posting on MB. There are many caring and loving people on here. Please don't take it personally that you did not receive many replies immediately. Sometimes we are just overwhelmed.<p>love,
heavenly

AlwaysWorried,<p>I too am sorry I didn't respond sooner. I have to squeeze my posting time in between being a working mom, a wife and a mom to a 6yr. old and a 3 yr. old. <p>I normally like to greet newbies with a longer more thoughtful post than five minutes can churn out. LOL<p>I agree whole heartedly with Heavenly. Your communication and relationship with your H will make or break visitation. How the OW handles this whole mess depends greatly on the bounderies you and your H set. <p>With such a history between them it'll be VERY important to make sure she is quite clear that he may have cheated in the past but he is NOW 100% committed to your marriage and there isn't a chance in HELL they'll ever be together again. That'll create a good foundation for a mutual understanding between you two as a couple and OW.<p>Being the go-between is tough work. I did it for a while. It was mentally exhausting. My OW worked ever nerve in my body. Sliding comments here and there and sometimes just the sound of her voice. It got so bad at one point my H took over the arrangements because I would turn into super Bytch after any contact with her. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If you guys go the route where you are only contact person it is imperative that H support you on that. For a while in the beginning, OW would test our agreement and call H directly. He would take her calls and I'd have to turn into the exorcist. It took for her to start soliciting him sexually for him to understand that she thought it was OK because he didn't honor our agreement. He put his foot down quick then!<p>I do have one question for you, why does the OW think that the kids suffer if contact is only when you are present?????<p>I tell you, there is no easy choices in this whole mess. I guess you just have to search deep inside to find what will be the least uncomfortable.<p>I will tell you though getting through visitation is a whole heck of a lot easier when you KNOW your spouse is COMMITTED 100% to you. Explain that by him doing the thingst that promote confidence it makes the whole acceptance thing easier. <p>
Best of luck, keep us posted. And please accept my apologies for not posting sooner. BTW, weekends are particularly slow around here. So if you post, dont' expect much over the weekend.<p>Z.

Hi alwaysworried,
Try not to worry. I find it outrageous that OW can be making demands on your family when you guys have four kids to feed who existed before her two!! What's up with that???? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You are blessed that your H decided to stay with you, that is great--great for you and great for your kids...<p>BUT, he is not following Dr.Harley's recommendation to take extraordinary precautions to protect your marriage! Yes, his infidelity resulted in 2 OC's BUT, his primary obligation is to you and your 4 kids... The situation will never be fair. There is no sense in trying to make it be fair out of guilt.<p>There must be something you guys can do to protect the income from OW's threats?!?! UGH! And her level of disrespect for you is outrageous, to talk to you as if her children are entitled to your H's time--the legitimate father of your FOUR kids!?!<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, just reeling over your situation. Have you read Surviving An Affair? You can order it on this website in the bookstore. Ordering Dr.Harley's books on this site is a bit cheaper than going through the other online bookstores, fyi. You should get the book and see if your H would be open to reading the helpful parts together with you.<p>Are you guys seeing a counselor? There are counselors out there (I hear) who embrace the MB concepts. That might not be a bad idea, if you can afford it. If not, then either get the book or just read all the concepts and Q&A's on this site and share what you believe would help your ability to negotiate a more reasonable solution with your H. He is NOT seeming to take your feelings into consideration!<p>Hang in there and keep posting. You are not being ignored!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] HUGS [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>We need to pray, really pray that the OW finds herself her OWN man! She needs to become a wife so she can get a reality check on her behavior. What a man sows, he reaps and we need to pray for God's mercy toward her!!! She has sown some really bad seeds by going after your H and your marriage and hurting your family this way. Her children will never be treated fairly until she quits making unfair demands on someone else's husband!?!?!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] God help us all!!!!<p>[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Thank you everyone for your replies, I feel so much better. It helps to have people who understand what you are going through. My husband and I are not in counseling, we just cannot afford it but when I told my husband about MB principles he agreed to give it a try. Things are better since I asked for no contact. I am going to try and be the go between for now, its seems to hurt less than having him do it at least for now. He is really working at doing whats best for us. I know that if we didn't have to deal with OW we would be much further in our recovery. She is doing everything in her power to turn my husband against me by telling him if I loved him I wouldn't keep his kids away from him. This is one of the reasons I insisted on no contact. I guess she feels she dealt with knowing H and I were still sleeping together during A and it didn't seem to bother her that it shouldn't bother me. H is doing everything I have asked but I still can't shake the feeling that he resents me in some way for not allowing him contact. I had a problem for a long time with angry outbursts and he would just clam up, but I am beginning to control all that. I wish I knew that medicine could have helped with alot of that. <p>You are right heavenly my H is afraid of her taking him back to court. She although says she will send money back if he continues contact. She said she has to give him an out (or excuse) so he can see the kids and I can't do anything about it. I believe my H is starting to see her games finally.<p>Zebra to answer your question OW feels I am putting to many demands on visitation and that her children should have all the same priviledges with H as our 4 children regardless of how they were brought into this world. She feels they are a family and always will be whether I like it or not so I should just get over it.<p>Binther - As far as the income is concerned the courts didn't care he had 4 other children to support, according to them he should have thought about that. The only advice we got from a lawyer is that we should do whatever she wants and get her to fire the State then go and file a support order for my 4 kids. As long as there is one in before mine they come first. By doing this it will guarrantee that if she so decides to go for CS again our 4 kids would come first, but as it stands right now her two come first. OW told court she felt that 1000.00 was not being fair to my four children so I guess I can be thankful for that but I also believe it was her plan because she really doesn't care about the money she just wants to make sure my H stays in their lives.<p>Sorry so long, and I don't have a way with words like alot of you do. I thank you again for all your responces.

AW,

I just wanted to welcome you to the board and second all the advice that was given. I know a few members that post who receive CS I think it's definitely the way to go. As for feeling guilty about insisting on NC if your H didn't want it he wouldn't do it. Do what's best for you and your family. I feel that all OC's are innocent but the OW's aren't especially the ones that knew our H's were married. She didn't care about you or your four children don't stress yourself about hers. You have a right to be just as involved as your H if you guys agree to contact. A judge told our exOW that and it pissed her off. Good luck.

Unsure

AW, why not agree to no contact, until your marriage is stable and healing. When you and hubby reach that stage, then decide to have contact, or not.

Your marriage must come first.

Wishing you didn't have to join this board, but welcome.

ember