thank you BTDT, I think I will. I wish I could invite ya'll over for a spring cleaning party!

You know what cliche always comes to mind these days when I think of OW?

Don't let the door hit ya in the [censored]!

<Shytty grin> <------they don't have a gremlin for that!
Z.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You left out the word "fat"--that always seems to go well with that particular (cutting) remark...

*sigh* Oh well, enough of that--tell me, really, how are the MB concepts working for your marriage now with this chapter closed? I mean, how do you stop yourself from disrespectful judgments? Just putting myself in your shoes, and seeing how ??? the xOW is/was, how do you keep yourself respectful of your H?

BTDT,

thanks for the question.

to be honest ... the most important thing I learned from MB was fulfilling your spouses needs. i learned to really start "hearing" my husband instead of just "listening" to him. i was hearing what he needed from me for the first time.

sometimes when i say that, i'm afraid people will assume that i'm being a door mat or a wife that runs around the house waiting on my husband hand and foot. That is not the case. My husband's needs were not at all physical needs of me doing things for him. he didn't and doesn't expect me to do things like make his plate, bring him a beer, etc. his needs were quite simple once i really got down to the business of hearing what he was saying.

he used to tell me he wanted his wife to be his best friend. here i was thinking that it was automatic that i'd be his best friend if we were man and wife. not true. to him a best friend is someone he can talk to without judgement, without a million questions, without taking offense and breaking down if i heard something that didn't rub right with me or that was hurtful.

i started my quest to fill this need by concentrating on my responses when he talked of OW and OC. I took myself out of the equation and listened to him as if I was a neutral party not affected by what he was saying. with every conversation he would open up to me more and more. over time he began to realize that he could talk to me without the outbursts of tears and yelling. eventually i began to express my self in a calm and thoughtful manner. this was our breakthrough to productive communication. something we didn't have pre-affair.

another need of his was that i take a more active roll in the day to day tasks with regards to our children. like i mentioned many times before i have the corporate job that requires many many hours of my time. in the past i would come home from work, order out and plop on the couch... sometimes even napping while he fed the kids, bathed them, played with them and got them ready for bed. i'd come in on the tail end and bond for a bit and kiss them off to bed. now, no matter how tired i am or how stressed, i participate. we share the duties equally. sometimes i cook while he bathes or the other way around. this leaves more time for "family" after dinner. we draw, play or read with the kids, sometimes go for walks or to the park, whatever ... but we are doing it as a family. i used to stay late at work ALL the time. now i plan my late days for days that i'm scheduled the close shift. i'll stay until 1 or 2am while everyone's asleep. but most days i'm home before dinner. i never knew the joy i was missing with my kids until i got "involved".

just like his behavior hurt our family, so did mine. he forgives me for my past and i forgive him.

my behavior as a mother and wife has changed dramatically. and what have i received in return?

an awesome husband. a man who fulfills my needs. one of the reasons i worked late was i dreaded going home to him. he would engulf himself so deep into the kids that he barely had two words for me. i guess i kinda shut him and the kids out. looking back i think i suffered from mild depression. now i look forward to coming home.

i guess the best way to describe it is, that my H is "into" me now. he wasn't before. he is genuinely interested in making sure i'm happy. he does simple sweet things that i yearned for, like getting me coffee from the coffee shop near our house before i wake up, dropping by my job just to give me a quick kiss and hug, introducing me as his beautiful wife, and sharing his feelings and desires with me.

you asked:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">*sigh* Oh well, enough of that--tell me, really, how are the MB concepts working for your marriage now with this chapter closed? I mean, how do you stop yourself from disrespectful judgments? Just putting myself in your shoes, and seeing how ??? the xOW is/was, how do you keep yourself respectful of your H? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how do i keep from disrespectful judgements. i think it comes from understanding what he wasn't getting in a wife and how he was yearning for it. i was yearning to, but handled it by withdrawing. he handled it by finding someone who would.

i also have a deep respect for my H now. i've seen him grown into his relationship with God. I've seen him admit his mistakes and try so desperately to do the right thing by everyone involved. i see a man who is now not afraid to pray out loud. a man who can cry in my arms about the aweful things he's done. a man that truely cared about the well being of that child, but at the same time recognized his first and primary responsibility was to me and our kids. But that responsibility didn't stop him from providing for OC.

I think about him asking if I was o.k. if we gave OW/OC our living room set in the basement and our son's crib. He had went to the OW's house to deliver his CS and saw there was no living room furniture and saw where there were blankets on the floor where he assumed the kids were sleeping. he asked what happened to the furniture and she told him that her brother moved out and took his stuff with him. he asked where the baby slept.. he was afraid she was sleeping on the floor. she told him OC slept with her. That night we borrowed a neighbor's van and moved all that stuff to her house. It made our spirit feel good to give to someone less fortunate ... OW/OC or not. They needed, we had, we gave.

He inspires me. His heart is good and his spirit is filled with love. How can I disrespect a man that has made peace with God, his wife and his family? How can I disrespect a man who gives me respect?

He understands my resentment towards OW. But he also gently encourages me to do the Christlike thing to forgive and move on. He knows I have to go through and anger stage but expects me to not dwell there too long. He reminds me it's not healthy to harbor that kind of negativity. And I know this, and I know it'll fade with time.

Bottom line is, we treat each other the way we want to be treated and we are mindful of what the other needs. We have good balance now. Now I get it when people talk about ying and yang. I feel that in my relationship.

Our pastor spoke a sermon on love on Thursday night. When we got home I asked my H what his definition of love was ... I was surprised that it was very different than mine, although there were some similarities.

My definition is more romantic based with an connection of hearts and souls ... his was more practicle with a comfort, security, and the desire to sacrafice for another. It kind of made me laugh because he understands what I need to feel loved and that's little romantic things, affection, etc. And I understand what he needs, security to open up, a comfortable working relationship that is giving/taking, etc. Without ever sitting down and plotting it out, we both have catered to each other's needs and made the other feel loved.

And I know this all sounds sooooo rosey and perfect. Believe me, we have our bumps in the road. But usually it doesn't take very long at all to get back on the right path. It's so easy now to stop mid-agruement and say ... what are we doing. It usually makes us both take pause and evaluate what it is we are really trying to accomplish. Many many times we just agree to disagree or compromise.

We have an agreement that we don't go to sleep with any ill feeling for one another. Whatever it is, we work through it before closing our eyes for the night. So far so good ... 1.5 years since d-day ... a strong 1 year of recovery!!!!!

Am I making any sense. I know I'm rambling. You know I love to talk!

BTDT, do you practice MB principles in your marriage? I know you weren't his WS, but does he ever resent you for any of your past?

Ok, that's enough rambling for me,
Z.

P.S. BTDT,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You left out the word "fat"--that always seems to go well with that particular (cutting) remark...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I left off "fat" because technically my [censored] is fatter than hers ... (hey CM i'm making fun of myself ... does this mean i'm an aweful person?)

Hey but guess what ... my H loves this fat [censored]! (did i mention the great tricks it can do too?)

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Z.

Hilarious! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well zb, I think you are an awesome MBer & Christian person. You should be proud of yourself, woman. You guys both seem to have changed for the better having gone through this experience. You did your part, your H did his part, God held you together. Amazing...

And no, my H does not resent my past. If he did, I guess he probably wouldn't have asked me to marry him because I couldn't hide my OC... I asked my H recently, how come my past didn't bother him. His answer: "Because it's the past. Then I asked him if it bothered him that I was immoral, promiscuous, had an OC, STDs, etc. His answer: "That is NOT the person I married." And it's true...

But I know I am where I am (place of peace with God), because of prayers of others. I truly believe this. God's grace and mercy and lovingkindness through the prayers of others have brought me to this place of peace.

MB--yes, we do practice the concepts, read the books, share MB forum discussions, listen to MB tapes, all of it. If I say "zebrababy" he knows who I'm talking about! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> MB has really helped us improve the quality of our relationship and negotiations tremendously!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will continue to pray for you as triggers pop up from time to time and we have to be on guard always. My triggers are different from yours, but nevertheless, they exist... Keep MBing!!!

BTDT,
Thanks for those kind words. Yes we are truely blessed to have come out on our feet after this experience. I thank him each and everday.

Also thanks for reading my entire post. i know it was long winded.... but I get on rants easily!

I am glad to hear you are using MB principles too. I think it shows through in the thoughtfulness you express in your posts. You always use care and concern when choosing your words, at least it appears that way.

I think that is a big part of why you and other fOW like Tigger and Obratti1 are cherished here at P/C.

It's especially nice to hear that a fOW w/OC applies the MB principles to her marriage to set a good example for the OC. We all know the tendency for children to mimic their parents relationships. What a blessing we can give our children to see a healthy marriage!

I also think it's cool your H knows all about the boards. Mine isn't quite so receptive. He gets that I need this outlet, but he doesn't care for me "spreading our business all over the internet". He's a very private person. But he tolerates me and my "addiction" to the board. (as long as it doesn't cut in on family time or his time!)

BTDT, do you have aol or aim???? Let me know and I'll give you my screen name.

talk to you soon,
Z.

<small>[ July 14, 2002, 01:22 AM: Message edited by: zebrababy ]</small>

Dearest Z

I couldn't sleep and logged on this morning to check in/catch up and found myself sighing after reading your postings as if I had just finished a great book with a happy ending. I love happy endings and resolutions. It is though you've found the secret to a great marriage through prayer, soul searching and the MB concepts.

This is what it is all about and the reason why God led us all here to begin with. He used Harley as a tool for lost souls like all of us and our spouses to find answers, rediscover each other and make something beautiful from something that was a mess, something holding us all back from having a fulfilling marriage.

I love your attitude and your grace, Z. You are truly an inspiration. Thank you, Z, and thank you, BTDT, for a truly wonderful exchange of thoughtful and inspiring examples of forgiveness and self examination to start the day.

Love

Catnip =^^=

Catnip,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is though you've found the secret to a great marriage through prayer, soul searching and the MB concepts.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you know what? the secret really isn't a secret. it's inside each and every one of us. we just have to dig deep and make the choice to make a difference in your relationship. both parties do it and there is no failing.

prayer, heals the spirit and solicits blessings

soul searching, allows you to recognize your weaknesses to correct them and your strengths to cultivate them

MB principles, are the tools that allow you to better communicate with your spouse and fulfill their needs

Those three things are the essentials for success! Thanks for pointing them out.

I too enjoyed BTDT and I's posting session. I would love to chat with her one day.

Z.

<small>[ July 14, 2002, 11:31 PM: Message edited by: zebrababy ]</small>

Hey guys,
Yes, I find myself addicted to the MB forum... All the cyber stories and happenings. Some stories are one-sided, but occasionally you will read spouses jumping in and posting on their spouses' threads to give the other side! I think that's great.

I have been in class so I apologize for not responding sooner. No, I don't have AOL, but I do have IM at home just rarely online at home. When that changes, I will let you know!!!

Yes, my H supports my being here. I'm kinda fortunate that posting is not a LB. Sometimes I ask his opinion of different circumstances.

As far as my OC not turning out immoral, I'm just in awe of God's work. One would assume there is no way I could have raised a kid like OC (with godly values) by myself, yet, I was a single parent for 10 years!!!

It had to be "me"???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> The one who always believed you can't teach a child by saying "do as I say not as I do/did." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Still, I feel like I can't take the credit. I feel like it was totally God's grace. Everything said here regarding challenges of OC's and BS's concerns about the OC's mental state as a child with no dad is true. They go through it but they survive with the Lord on their side. Not to mention health challenges. Like Mo5, my OC has severe asthma and other serious lung problems. I definitely believe (in my case) it is a curse directly related to my sin visiting on the next generation. I believe that, even tho more children are having asthma these days with the bad air in CA. But I also believe that God's grace has protected OC's life and allowed OC and my twins to exist in this world. For that, I'm grateful.

We can only take one thing to heaven, and that's our family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

re: your xOW not responding to you in a desirable way, believe me, she is processing all this and doing a lot of regrouping. Her life is not what she thought. It's like she has lost an entire year of her life, sort of? She's back to square one and you can just MOVE on. She is having a major life setback so she has to get caught up with her life! At least that is how it seems to me?

Still, no excuse for her indifference but you can't expect someone who is not reasonable to act reasonably all of a sudden, you know? Give it time and lots of forgiveness and prayer as you have. You're on your way to a bright future! & so is she (through prayer)!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

catnip <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> smiles & hugs to ya!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 16, 2002, 02:42 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Not to mention she's probably afraid... Afraid that you might actually come after all the $$ you paid. Which you would be entirely within your rights to do so...

You know how the Word says "perfect love casts out all fear." In other words, xOW is not perfected (or complete) in her love walk... If so, she probably would be able to look you straight in the eye and thank you for your graciousness and apologize and even OFFER to pay you back the money or return the furniture or at least pay for it by any means necessary (5.00 a week for however long???)... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Okay enough!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey ZB
Ihave read all your posts and what everyone else has said to you too, and I just wanted to say that I think you have handled eveything so great and if venting on here mkes you feel good than "go girl" I hope all goes great with you and H and keep talking!

Alivinghell,

Thanks so much. Thankfully the need to vent doesn't come very often. I'd much rather bask in happiness!

Z.

ZB,

Great posts, best of luck in your marriage.

MJD

I have stumbled upon this just playing around but, I think I may have a similar situation and would love to talk to you if you would not mind. I'm am currently in a situation where my husband had an affair and now she says she is pregnant. Her doctor appt. is tomorrow and I don't even know where to begin to look for help. We have read His Needs Her Needs book and are currently trying to patch our marriage up but, he obviously can't go with no contact with her right now due to this situation.

You might want to start a new thread, so we can say hi properly--

But welcome, and this is most certainly the best place to get advice and more importantly SUPPORT for what you are experiencing!

EJ

How do I do that?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by EJmom2B:
<strong>You might want to start a new thread, so we can say hi properly--

But welcome, and this is most certainly the best place to get advice and more importantly SUPPORT for what you are experiencing!

EJ</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cgc:
<strong>I'm am currently in a situation where my husband had an affair and now she says she is pregnant. he obviously can't go with no contact with her right now due to this situation.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uh, why not? My husband had no contact immediately when she peed on the stick and we let the attorney handle it until DNA tests came back and then we let the courts take it from there.

Your husband has NO RESPONSIBILITY to this woman until the DNA results are confirmed he is bio dad and not one nickle should be spent on her until then or the courts could take money spent as an admission of guilt and empty his pockets only to find x amount of months from now that the kid belongs to the landscaper/milkman/chiminy sweep.

To post your own topic/thread, hit the New Topic button at the top of the page.

Oh yeah, I hate to say welcome to this sad little group, but we are here to help and you've come to the right place.

Study the Policy of Joint Agreement with your husband and the Rules of Honesty and Protection and the others then post your story here on your new thread/topic.

Catnip =^^=

cgc...did you find the New Topic button?

cgc ,

I agree with Catnip. You and your H have zero responsibility until a DNA test comes back. Just reading my story ought to shout that fact.

Also ... childbirth is for bonding parents. Don't let your husband be lulled into the notion that he has to be there for birth.

lastly, I wish you the best. Please keep posting and keeping us updated on your progress.

MJD, thank you for your well wishes.

Z.