I have been on plan B since june 8. I received a phone call from my pregnant WW with OM's child 6 days after plan B began. I then received an email one week ago describing her first ultrasound and how it was the most amazing experience of her life and she just had to share it with her faithful husband who is in major pain!!! And who did not need to hear her joy at having OM's child! Today I received another email from her wondering why I did not respond to her last email. I am meeting with a DV attorney on tuesday. She is still very much in the FOG and is going to see OM for three weeks in August! aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh what does she want from me?? I would really like to talk to her but I just know it will be too painful for me. I need to be strong and ignore her emails even if she pleads for me. I just needed to share my current status with the friendly folk at preg/child.
I am really not sure of what to do. My rational mind is really clear about completely letting her go, but there is a little place in my heart still there for her and OM's child! But not OM!!! She does not know where my mind is right now at all. It seems like the plan B letter I sent was not understood. I reinforced what the letter said in the phone call 6 days later as well.
Do I just ignore her and go ahead with the DV?
Do I send another plan b letter, making the no contact rule a little more clear?
Do I start the DV proceedings but don't complete them?
. . . just a few of the things running through my mind ALL the time . . .

tofu:<p>"Do I just ignore her and go ahead with the DV?"<p>Yes.<p>"Do I send another plan b letter, making the no contact rule a little more clear?"<p>Wasn't it clear the first time? This is an important question, because you need to be sure you wrote a good plan B letter.<p>"Do I start the DV proceedings but don't complete them?"<p>You should probably play this by ear. See what happens when she gets served the papers. Before you could consider stopping the proceedings, she would need to prove to you that OM is out of her life and she will be faithful to you. It's just too early to determine that now, so figure on DV, then deal with her reaction later.

>>> It seems like the plan B letter I sent was not understood <<<<p>This is fairly common, I think, regardless of how well you wrote it... their brains are scrambled pretty badly, and even logical English sentences can be ignored or twisted.<p>I think you can simply re-iterate that continued contact is causing you pain. That was my advice from Steve.<p>Basically, judge each item of correspondence for whether it warrants a reply. Keep it business, keep it brief, if absolutely necessary. Have you read "Love Must Be Tough"?<p>Of course... there are sometimes reasons for tailored plans - but you should talk to someone like a SH or JH about that.

Hmmm... MY opinion and advice to you would be to ignore her e-mails. You can set up rules to automatically delete them as merely READING them is causing you a great deal of pain and major love bank withdrawals. You don't need to be reading them if you are in Plan B--you are attempting to save the love you have left.<p>I think you should hold off on the divorce cuz it is obviously that you still love your wife very very much. You never know what will happen with her fog. Single parenting is no joke! She needs to feel the reality of things--you know--what life will be like without your loving support...<p>She needs to see OM in the true light of day, when reality hits and the baby is screaming and he goes off and finds another woman with no kids... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>IF you think you can handle your wife coming back to you with the kid, then hold off on the divorce and hold out for the fog to lift.<p>But while you are in Plan B--protect yourself and delete the e-mails without even opening them. Just click the button!!! Just do it! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Tofu,
I second the advice from BINthere! Like my situation, I think it is important for you to take some time and clear your head from all of this to really discover what you want to do. The phone calls and e-mails will only interfere with this process.
The best way is not to only delete the e-mails, but make sure they never find their way into your "inbox" in the first place. Block the address for your sake. If the two of you were to have contact, you need to reemphasize what no contact means. <p>Good luck to you! I realize how hard it is...<p>Sweden

I third the motion of deleting her e-mails without opening them because it is obvious that she did not beleive you when you wrotte her your plan B letter. Silence speaks volumes tofu and your silence will definetely speak to her more than anything you have to say now.<p>But I wonder how you will react if and when she seeks you out to talk to you. It is a very likely scenario, especially if her confidence in OM's ability to be a good H and father begins to wane in the days to come. You've got to be prepared for this possible scenario in order to keep moving in a forward direction guided by your carefully thought out decisions and not by your left over love for her and her manipulative pleas to no give up on her. Remember that she has been steadfast in her refusal to committ to marital recovery and is using the excuse of not depriving the baby of his/her 'real' father in order to justify her continuation of her A. And for this reason you better prepare yourself as to what you want to do with your future otherwise she will always find ways of manipulating you to continue beign her doormat.<p>Good luck and God bless.

Thank you so much everyone.

I think you should hold off on the divorce cuz it is obviously that you still love your wife very very much. You never know what will happen with her fog. Single parenting is no joke! She needs to feel the reality of things--you know--what life will be like without your loving support...

This is something I am having a lot of mental difficulty with. I am not sure if I really love her very very much. I think I am just scared of starting over. I know I love the woman I met 8 years ago, but the woman I know now . . .I don't think so. There is also a part of me that feels sorry for the kid because I am pretty sure that raising a kid with OM will be hell (I could be wrong) but that is really not my business is it. I am not ready to ruin my life for OM's kid.

Silence speaks volumes tofu and your silence will definetely speak to her more than anything you have to say now.
You are so right! I have to stay strong, however, as far as when she seeks me out to talk. . . that will be hard especially if she is pleading for me to stay with her.
But may be by that time I will be strong enough.

tofu,

I'm not sure if you should file for a divorce or not. I felt like you did I didn't think I loved my H. I did love the man he used to be but I hated this new man. When I found out about the affair I filed my paperwork the next day and within a week I served him. In my heart and mind our marriage was over. Me filing for a divorce is what saved our marriage he said when I realized I had lost you, nothing or anyone else mattered. He didn't have an emotional affair his was physical per both of them. (him and exOW) I don't know if your wife is emotionally attached to OM but she is definitely in a fog. If you think you can handle being the father to another mans child than try to make your marriage work if not get out and move forward with your life. Staying because you are afraid to start over is prolonging the end of your marriage anyway. It won't work you will have too many hostile feelings directed at your wife and unfortunately maybe the OC. Good luck with whatever decisions you make.

Unsure

duplicate post

<small>[ June 28, 2002, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: UNSure919400 ]</small>

tofu,

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you and your W do not have any children from your M, right? And I think that other's have pointed this out, but Dr. Harley's advice in this specific situation is to get a D. Bystander would also recommend this. The main reason is so that you won't be responsible for another man's child financially. Now, in my situation, we have 2 children from the M, and the OC, but my H has fully accepted her as his, and xOM never knew about the pregnancy, let alone Abbi. That made the decision that much easier(not that it was an easy decision to make).

I think that you should go ahead with the D for your own protection. It doesn't mean that you can't remarry after these problems have been dealt with, just that you need to seperate yourself from this mess. It almost sounds as if your W doesn't want to deal with what she has done! I know that during my P, I was afraid to "involve" Sailorman, for fear of further hurting him. But, it also was a major lesson learned!

The biggest thing that I have learned, and am still striving to accept, is that you can't change the past! All you can do is learn from it, and try to make your future better! If you don't feel that your future will be better if you stay in this M, then don't feel guilty for the D. You really need to examine your feelings for your W, and move on from there.

I also agree that silence is the best policy for dealing with these emails. You gave her the Plan B letter, and, from what I read, explained it to her on the phone about the no contact, so don't feel bad about deleting the mail, or even blocking her address. She needs to decide if she wants you in her life and agree with your rules of no contact with OM before she can expect contact with you to resume! Yes, it's difficult because of the pregnancy, and the fact that OM knows, but, if you feel that you can raise this child as your own, you can have OM out of the picture, and get on with your life.

I guess that what I am saying is that you need to decide if you want to try to make this M work, or if you should cut your losses, and start over. I hope that I helped some.

Tigger

Unsure - My wife's A is to the extreme soulmate level more than the example in SAA. Then there is the OC and the OM so really I need to listen to what everyone is telling me and run run run!
I changed my cellphone number today. My birthday is next week and I don't want to receive any calls. If this silence causes despair on her part she will have to call my parents. If she calls them, then I think she is serious about me. I think DV is still the best option even if she wants to work on the M to protect me in case OM and her start A again.

Yes, Tigger no babies for us and I am turning 30 next week so there is a lot of life left for me.

If I really felt like she could come home to me and live with me and me only and her pregnancy was a result of a strictly physical affair without a lot of emotional attachment then may be this M could work again. But it is the exact opposite.

tofu,

I guess I am going to offer a divergent opinion here. I think you don't need to worry about Plan B if you are going to get a D. I realize you don't want to talk with her, but if you have decided on D, then Plan B is really not necessary. Personally, I do think that Divorce is the way to go, given the length of your W's A, the fact that she is pregnant by OM,and she has no intention of removing OM from her life.

That all may change, and if it does, then perhaps remarrying may be in the cards, but it is time to give yourself a B-day present and make your life much more enjoyable.

God Bless,

JL