This is my first time posting to a site like this, but I seem to be at one of my lowest points. I have never been married but it is the longing of my heart to be there. I am turning 34 in a few weeks and I feel like I've been faced with disappointment after disappointment. I have a strong faith in God and have for several years worked as a leader in my church. I currently live in a small rural community in AK. I absolutely believe that God has asked and placed me to be in my community. Not sure why yet, but I continue to believe I am following God's will for my life by living here. I have been active on a christian e-site for singles but over the past 2 years have been met with so much disappointment and rejection not only through that site, but also as I've lived in large cities that my hope has all but left me. I've read many of Harley's books on marriage. I believe that I'm a 'cute' person, and that I have a great personality (not perfect but human). I am overcome with sadness this weekend as yet another very compatible person decided I wasn't it for them. I'm overcome with the loneliness of living life completely alone. Questiong God over and over why the deepest parts of my heart continue to to remain empty... I can and do run to God...but frankly I'm at the point that if God is all I have, if my dreams and hopes of living life in partnership with a strong devoted christian man is not going to happen, then I'd rather be in heaven where at least I don't have to face the disappointment over and over of walking totally alone. I'd still get to be with God, I just don't ahve to face the disappointment of being alone over adn over. I've walked alone as an adult for 14 years. I've never wanted or dreamed that I'd still be single at 33 and my heart is so broken about that. Wellmeaning people say, just accept being single or God won't give you someone livign way out here. Their words seem to hurt more than help. I don't know how to give up the biggest dream of my life. There is no amount of money, no house, no job that fulfills or outweighs my longing for companionship, acceptance, togetherness and love from a partner who is as committed to Christ as I am. And I want to be able to reciprocate that all back. I don't want an average marriage, I want a great marriage, where we both 'work' at making serving eachother and making it great. I don't believe that God created us to be here and to be alone. I long to be able to do ministry with a spouse, to share life with a spouse. And yet again, I am faced with someone choosing to spend alot of time to get to know me and make plans and buy airline tickets to meet eachother and then one day we're on and the next day someone better comes along and not only is my heart broken and am I filled with disappointment, but I'm out a bunch of money too. But the money I don't care about so much. God will always give me more of that..it is the pain of having/seeing no hope in the future that wrenches my heart. It is so painful to be single and to have that longing so deep inside me filled with disappointment. To not hear God. even when I ask him..to be told by people to be patient...but the sadness is so overwhelming to me. I have waited so long...and the journey has been filled with so much disappointment and lost hope...

"Love is like a butterfly.
The more you chase it,
the more it will elude you.
But if you sit quietly,
It will come and perch on your shoulder."

I don't really know what else to say about your feelings. You sound like a wonderful person and I believe that you will get "hooked up" with someone when you least expect it. Try to make sure that you are not being too picky. Your prince charming may not be as handsome or as charming as you would like, but true beauty is within. Also, try to avoid being too "desperate" in your search for a significant other. Many men can sense this desperation and will run away from you.