I was beginning to wonder if the board was ever coming back... I have been waiting for 4 hrs!

Anyway.. here is my vent....

Everyone has bad days, and Sundays are the ones that get H and I down the most.

Lil Bit goes back to exOW on Sunday mornings and we hate to have to make her go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Yes, MAKE her go. She had taken to clinging to us when she sees her coming. She refuses to go to her. She will try to crawl over H to get to me when exOW is holding out her hands to get her to come to her. It’s heart wrenching. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

But, other than the exchange… Sundays are the hardest day for me.
H complains about having to take her back to exOW. He always is griping about the court system. He is always fussing about the fact that exOW doesn’t want Lil Bit. On and on and on… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This makes it difficult for me. Today, I think I did rather well... no LB about how I really feel. When he begins his tirade, I want to yell, “YOU did this!! Deal with it, I am!” “If you hadn’t gone and slept with the skanky slut then we would not be in this mess!” “You think this is hard on you??? Well, brother, I wish you could walk a month in my shoes!” <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

He made the comment today that he wishes his mother were here. (She passed away in 1990)
I said,
“Honey, I really don’t think she could change anything.”
His answer to this,
“She just had a way of saying things would be ok.”

I just want to scream. I am so sick of his whiny baby attitude!
I just want him to come out and say that he knows he is a major reason that we are in this mess… I want him to accept HIS share of this mess. I know I have a part in the problems that we have…but this part of it is NOT my fault! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I have been fighting this all day. I have wanted to yell and scream… throw a fit… but I have held it in until now. I decided to take Zebrababy, MaryJanes and a few others’ advice and vent it here. I am beginning to feel better… my stomach isn’t in quite as many knots anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When, When, WHEN will he get a clue???
He needs to really get to the point that he is able to deal with this on the level that it is bothering him… not just focusing on the symptoms. He is masking the real issue. I am trying not to LB, but Sunday is the hardest day.

This is so hard today… 2 wks and Lil Bit turns 1 yr old! I know it’s a trigger.
Then with the added stress of the meds not yet doing their job on the fertility front, I am feeling very useless as a woman. I can’t seem to do the “normal” ovulation thing… and if I do, I am not able to carry the baby. I am waiting for my next cycle to start, induced by meds and not yet happening. So, this is pushing our TTC back farther and farther. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

LOL.. Now look who’s whining… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> At least, I know what the root of my problem is. At least I can face it and am trying to do something about it!

Thank you, Friends… You have been such a source of support for me… I have needed you more than I ever thought possible.
I just hope I can be of some help and support for you.

Thanks again for listening.

Stacia,

Just wanted to let ya know someone is here to "listen" so vent away sweetie as much as you need!!!

I know how you feel with the taking responsibility for what they have caused...my H is very good about being good, but I don't think he understands the effect this has had and especially since the latest news we have found out.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone tonight =)

Hugs,
Jules

Hey I just wanted you to know I was listening too. I saw you on earlier but I was on my way out. I wished we could have talked it's nice to vent with person sometimes too. I'm glad you vented here it's makes things easier for you when you are ready to talk to your H about what's bothering you. Hope to chat with you soon.

"Then with the added stress of the meds not yet doing their job on the fertility front, I am feeling very useless as a woman. I can’t seem to do the “normal” ovulation thing… and if I do, I am not able to carry the baby."

You can never be useless you are too good of a woman to feel this way. Keep praying and know I'm doing the same thing for you.

Unsure

Hi Stacia,
You know, I don't think it would be too much of a love buster if you found a nice way to let your H know how you're feeling. Granted, you couldn't say it the way you said it above, but he probably needs to know that while you didn't ask to be in this situation, that you have to deal with it too in spite of all your triggers AS WELL!?

Maybe when the middle of the week comes and you guys have some quiet time, you can think of a nice way to describe your feelings without calling him whiney and the cause of the whole mess. I'm sure he feels horrible about how his thoughtless and selfish actions have dragged you AND Lil'Bit into this whole fiasco!!! I'm sure he is soooo grateful that you have not walked away from him and all this drama. You know these things too or else you wouldn't still be there.

Hang in there! I think you did the right thing by venting here, I also believe that there is a way to let your husband know how you are feeling and what your emotional reaction is when he gets into his "whiney mode" how it only makes you feel defensive and resentful instead of reassuring like his mom would be. (gotta think of a different way to describe the whiney behavior tho!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Maybe he feels hopeless and that triggers his whiney-ness????? Maybe if you explain to him that is about the time when you need him to accept responsibility moreso than looking to you for reassurance cuz you're just not at that point where you can give him what he needs in the form of reassurance! You are still at the point of your recovery where you need to hear him taking responsibility and being remorseful for what he caused??? (Would that be too harsh??) Then maybe the more you hear THAT type of attitude coming from him, the more reassuring you can be???? Just rambling trying to help you think it through.

Love & blessings. You are a terrific support-system to Lil'Bit. Obviously this baby loves you a lot! Don't shove your feelings under the rug. There is a kind way to get them out without love busting. I just think you should really share them with your H. For some reason I think it would harm your recovery if you just ignored these feelings without sharing them in a nice way--as nice as possible. Maybe write things down that you would like to say first, to get your thoughts organized... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I'm sorry you have rough Sundays. Sundays should be a day of rest instead of filled with trauma. I pray that God would make it better for you guys. Good luck with your meds.

<small>[ July 01, 2002, 03:13 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Good Morning, SL...

I agree with BTDT. There are diplomatic ways for you to make your husband understand how you feel without starting some kind of nuclear family holocaust. You HAVE to tell him and he HAS to listen, otherwise, you're stuffing your feelings and ending up with the knots. Don't walk on eggshells with him, SL...he's a big boy and can take it. After all, look at everything you've had to swallow. There are gentle, tactful ways of telling your husband how difficult this is for you...how about:

"Times are tough for us right now and neither of us ever expected that we would ever have to go through anything like this. This has changed our lives forever and we will just have to deal with what has happened...kind of like cause and effect...this was done, and now this is what we have to face. I am right here by your side so you aren't going through this all by yourself. In fact, I feel I am offering you a support system that is pretty extraordinary, so let's count our blessings and stop complaining and do what we can to improve this mess. I know we will be a lot more effective if we both focus on what we can do for Lil Bit and for our own home situation if we do. Ley's be proactive rather than reactive and see what we can accomplish."

Blah, blah, blah...something like that and a lot less long winded.

Anyway, just between you and me and the litterbox, my personal opinion is that these whining "big baby" men are the reason in the first place why ALL of us are here. Meow.

And, I think you are amazingly remarkable, SL. Don't stuff your feelings. It will make you sick and resentful.

Catnip =^^=

SL,

I think your FWH needs to hear what you are feeling when you feel that you can communicate it to him without LB. I agree with Catnip, I like how she worded it to your H. It sounds firm yet loving.
HIs first love was his Mother, and now he has your love. These men look to us for nuturing. I know us women need plenty of nuturing too but men somehow are in much more need of it. They are not as strong as we are when it comes to these matters of the heart. Try not to get too upset over his whining, he is venting and I'm sure you are his MB support system. Its alot to carry all that you are living with.
I felt so sad when I read you beat yourself up over your body not performing as you'd like it to. You are far from useless SL, as a woman or a human being. Actually, you are remarkable and a huge inspiration to many of us, particularly me. Please do not be so hard on yourself. Your body can do only what it is capable of doing, this stress is not helping.
I know that Lilbit is a source of great joy and pain for you and her 1st birthday will cause you to feel alot of mix emotions. I think she is one of the luckiest little girls on earth to have a Mommy like you. Did you say useless? Think about that SL, you are very needed by your family not because you are lacking anything, but because you have so much to offer them. Whether or not you can carry a child to term does not change that.

<small>[ July 01, 2002, 09:58 AM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

Stacia,

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time right now! I wish that I had some "gem of wisdom" to offer you right now, but everyone else has had such excellent advice for you! I just wanted you to know that I am yet another person who hears your pain, and feels for you!

Love and Prayers!

Tigger

Thank you all so much for listening to my frustrations.
I know that many of you have had these feelings… and it is such a relief to know I can come here and “let loose” and be understood!

Jules,
Thanks… I did read your reply last night and I appreciated it so much. I appreciate it even more this morning! I know I am not alone…

UnSure,
Thank you, dear friend. We will catch up soon. I promise! Thank you for your prayers. I am still praying for you, too!

BTDT,
Thanks to you! I have tried to figure out a good way to talk to him about it. Given the fact that we work opposite shifts, he works nights and I work days, the late afternoon and early evenings are our only chances to talk. We only have Sundays, Monday evenings and Tuesday evenings without Lil Bit there… but the pain is still fresh from Sunday, to talk calmly… Yeah… whiny is not quite the word I would use when I talk to him… Thanks for the tips!

Catnip,
As usual, you have given great advice! Your way of stating things is so eloquent. I may plagiarize some of what you have said… adjusting to H’s understanding. I don’t want to talk over his head, that only serves to become a LB… unintentionally.
Thank you… your advice is greatly appreciated!

CM,
Your post brought me to tears. Yes, Lil Bit is a great source of joy… and she is a great source of pain as well. It’s very bittersweet. I love this little girl so very much. She is such a sweet little girl. But, the pain that goes along with that love sometimes is overwhelming. I still feel that this child was stolen from me. I feel that she is everything I wanted in a child. And knowing that my physical limitations are also holding me captive… well, it’s just too much sometimes.
Yes, I know my family needs me… and I am not ‘totally’ useless. I guess I just needed to be reminded.
Thank you, CM. Your words meant a lot.

Thank you to you too Tigger...

Seems we were posting on top of each other.

as for the court and BB(for those that don't know, BB is my nickname for exOW)...
Nothing is going on at all... other than I am now being much more vocal to her. I am talking at the exchanges. And boy does she hate it! But... I don't care. I don't have one shred of feeling for this "woman" and her so-called life. My only concern is Lil Bit and her welfare.

Actually, yesterday she saw Lil Bit give me a kiss good-bye. This is the first time that BB has seen it. H said that she was livid!!! HAHAHA! She even tried to get Lil Bit to kiss her... but nope.. she refused!!!

I miss ya!
How is everything? Getting ready for the move?

Well, the seeds of love and affection that you sow into this child, this other child, I believe God will pay you back for your great gift. Don't give up on yourself and don't give up on the fact that God is not done blessing YOU yet...

I also like the way catnip put words to your feelings. Maybe you could write him a note and insert it into his lunch so that way he can read it at 3 or 4am when he is completely coherent and alert and objective! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />