This is my first post. Here's my story. We've been married almost 10 years, most of it unhappy. December of 1999, everything changed. H decided to start taking our marriage seriously and made me and his 3 year old son his #1 prioroty. Best 6 months of my life. In July (2000), he dropped the bomb shell. He had an affair and she is pregnant. The baby, a boy, was born in August 2000.

OW lives across the country and seems to only expect CS from H. She sends an occasional e-mail picture. Not sure if she calls much because she uses his cell phone number. H and OW agreed that there will be no contact with her or the son.

H had done all the right things to try to build our marriage. He truly wants it to work out. I just finished reading "surviving the affair" and we are trying to follow those steps. I would say that most days, we are on our way to recovery.

My problem is the other child. This is the one stumbling block. What is the right thing to do in this situation. H doesn't want to have anything to do with the child. OW doesn't seem to mind, although I've never talked to her. I think we should come to a solution that will benefit all involved. This child is innocent of how he was brought into this world. Why deny him a father? I am not sure I am strong enough to deal with him visiting his other son. I want to be supportive but am finding it hard. I fell as though I am in the way of him having a relationship with his other son.

I have found very little published on this topic. If anyone can recommend anything, or just simply give some advise, I'm all ears.

HI, I feel for you!! My heart just hurts for you, my H had a one night stand and then the OW said she was pregnant and then said she had a misscarriage now 2.5 years latter someone said a girl matching OW description was looking for H and she had a child with her, so I know your agony. Nothing has come about this yet but I am just waiting!!! My H has also done everything right and that helps alot!~but I think you need to think of you now, i know the child is innocent but if you cant handle child visitation then dont do it. You are also an innocent in this mess!!!! Maybe someone who is going through this as well might give you other advice but him having an affir hurts bad enough, you dont need to go through anything that can hurt you more. If H and OW are happy with the arrangments I would leave it well alone and concentrate on your recovery and your life!!
Hope this helps. Hope someone with more insight offers you some advice....
Keep believing in yourself!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My problem is the other child. This is the one stumbling block. What is the right thing to do in this situation. H doesn't want to have anything to do with the child. OW doesn't seem to mind, although I've never talked to her. I think we should come to a solution that will benefit all involved. This child is innocent of how he was brought into this world. Why deny him a father? I am not sure I am strong enough to deal with him visiting his other son. I want to be supportive but am finding it hard. I fell as though I am in the way of him having a relationship with his other son.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bon Marie,

I have a child by a married man, I am also married, Husband and I have worked through these issues, but at first OM did not want to know my d, after she was born he changed his, mind, I was still angry but new this was best for my daughter.
we now share her, She lives with me, and he comes and sees her a couple of times a week, and she spends the night with he and his wife once a week, sometimes less as he works out of town alot.
He is now a very loving father and so happy I let him be in her life, his wife accepts that he and I raise her and even though we have our differences, most of the time, we work together to make sure daughter is happy.
I also let his wife come pick her up if she has a free day and spend time with her.
If your husband does not want anything to do with the baby and OW agrees, I would leave it alone, but make sure Husband isnt just doing that because he thinks you expect it, or you might have some resentment down the road.
The reason I say LEAVE it alone, is you cant force someone to love a child, and if the mother and the father both agree it is best not to have him in the childs life, then perhaps it is best.

Please remember, your husband has as many rights as the ow woman has, and you are entittled to know and love this child as well. Your concern shows you would probably do fine in time with the other child, I am not in your position, but several are and do just fine.
good luck and i am glad you and your husband are doing so well in recovery.

Hi and welcome to MB!
Dr.Harley has written two Q&A columns on this subject of "other children" that you might find of interest:

Here's the link. When you finish reading the first letter, you can click the box at the bottom to go to the second letter which addresses visitation... Good luck and keep reading and posting! You'll get through this. If you have gotten this far, IMO, you are well on your way to a complete recovery!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063a_qa.html

p.s.It also sounds like the Policy of Joint Agreement would be good for you guys to study and embrace too. If your H is not enthusiastic about visitation, then that should be taken into consideration. Also, have you had a paternity test to PROVE that the other child is your H's. Recently TWO MBers got test results that showed their H's were NOT the fathers!!!

Thanks KNJI and Mom of Five. Your advise has been taken into consideration. With OW and Child living across the country, visitation would be difficult and expensive because I would want to be there too. Leaving well enough alone was my fist reaction to the affair. I told H that I did not want to know anything. But then I changed my mind and wanted to know everything! My fear is that 18 years from now, a very angry young man is going to come looking for H wanting to know why his father totally rejected him. When the reason is because he did not want to loose his wife and son over the issue, then what does that make me? The enabler? If we at least try to make an effort to see him, then he will know that we did try. My hope is that OM gets married and her new H adopts the child. Then that would really confuse the kid! I just don't know what to do! Any more advise is as always, needed and appreciated.

Bon marie
You cant fix every one, all you can do is do what is best for you.
You can not make husband want a relationship with the child and if you force it, it will just cause more hurt, not only for husband... but for that child. He doesnt need someone in and out of his life, and may this woman sees that as a problem as well.

This will have to be something you and he work on together.
You are right one day there is a chance a confused young man will want to know why he didnt love him, But by then his mother may have raised a fine young man who has no desire to meet your husband.. to bad we cant read the future... on second thought I dont want to know my future. lol

My personal feelings are if you have a child hwo can you not love him/her no matter what... husband feels the same way.. but you know what I am not in your position so I cant say.
Just continue to pray and work on your marriage, and one day you will come up with the answers together.

bon marie,

I can so relate to your feelings @OC, but there is so little we can do long distance. The only way to truly BE in a child's life is to live there, and I'm not willing to move there.

I highly recommend using the the Policy of Joint Agreement and brutal honesty with your H. Some men truly feel they can let go of OC completely, while others say that, but secretly harbor other thoughts (sorry I don't get this, but have read about it waaaaaay too often!) and even blame the wife years later for their own decision! So make sure your H knows he doesn't have to say no-contact just for you.

We are also long distance from OC. Because H initially wanted a relationship with OC, we chose to keep a line open to OC via XOW, but had to cope with nasty mail from very angry XOW who could NOT understand why my H didn't visit OC! (too expensive to send me and kids and he's not going solo!!) H still has not met OC, but XOW was giving OC H's picture at a VERY early age as "daddy". We've been sending OC things for 2 years, which OC supposedly LOVES, and XOW sent update @3 times/yr and pictures @once/yr.

This worked fine for us, but now we think XOW has re-married and has ignored us for months. H and I are discussing what to do next... let OC disappear, or struggle to keep this thin thread open. We will eventually be somewhat closer and able to afford visitation if OC is interested, but nothing frequent.

I knew 2 grown OC before I married, one of them a first cousin, and both young women were haunted by not having known their father. We would like H's OC to at least be able to ask him questions that might bother her. We care about her, but can't be there.

But we wonder: is it worth the struggle?? Is it just a tease to OC? Or are we really doing her a good turn? Is it worth the stress to me, H, XOW, etc? What about the feelings of the children of the marriage? I figure the number of children who want to know a biological parent they didn't know is about 50-50. Only time can tell.

There is no way of knowing the future. But we can influence a good today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

J
in recovery 4 years and glad I stayed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

PS "Mary Janes" is the only one here I can think of with long distance visitation with OC. It's been working for them, but they also adopted 2 children this year and I'm curious how it will work now. It can get so complicated when you consider children of the marriage too... Should children of the marriage get juiced out of vacation time with dad(?!), but how can we afford multiple plane tickets? It's insanity, weighing children against each other.

It's been a rough weekend. Thanks again for all of your advise and support. H is gone for a month of training...not too unusual. He travels all of the time with his job, one reason the A happened.

I took your advise (can't remember who said this) and told my husband that I would leave any decisions about his OC up to him and OW. I do want to know what is going on and what decisions are being made, but I am not going to try to influence those decisions. I am trying to detach myself from the situation, although I do want to see a copy of the custody agreement. H gave up all rights as a father. I just want to know exactly what this means.

We did not have a good weekend. I am starting to wonder if this marriage is savable. We got into an argument about spending time together which put a damper on the whole weekend. To sum it up, he only wants to do things together that interest him (his family, his sporting events, etc). Anything I want to do is not looked upon enthusiastically. Same old same old! This is when he said that maybe this just won't work out. He expects me to get over an A and the birth of OC but giving up one of his activities is worth giving up on the marriage. The rudeness!

He also feels like this is just too much of a toll on me. I have been suffering from anxiety, depressed and am talking about trying medication. I just don't know how else to handle this! This is such a let down from a few weeks ago when we went to the "I still do" conference. I was on such a high after that, I thought everything was going to be okay. Now this?

I wanted to throw some things out there...what do you all think? Should H tell his parents about their OGC (other grand child)? If no one else finds out, don't they have a right to know? We have told no one about this..hence "suffering silently". (except the millions of people who look at this web site, ha ha).

Should I try to contact OW with my concerns and questions. I'll try to be professional!

Please pray that I will have the wisdom to do the right things and make the right choices. Thanks a bunch guys!

bon marie,

I recommend marriage counseling, and if your H won't go, at least get help for yourself in dealing with this marriage... your H does sound selfish(!) and the A/OC is a symptom of these (other) problems, not meeting each others' needs, not the cause. The Harleys can be reached for counseling by phone and though I haven't used them, have heard they are well worth the cost.

As for the in-laws, I don't know why ANYone should be told if your H has already given up parental rights. Grandparents don't generally have any legal rights, and some relationships between adult children and their parents/in-laws have been seriously hurt by their inappropriate reactions to learning of OC. I guess if you want to acid-test your in-laws, that's one way to do it!! It IS good and important we get support for our situations, but if you think whoever you tell will ONLY be supportive if you make a certain decision (ie only if you divorce, or only if you stay married), then that is not the right person to tell.

As for contacting XOW, it's rarely productive. They are often damaged personalities who may lie and/or manipulate the situation to their own advantage; you can't trust what they say, so how does their information help?

Just my 2cents for now,
Good luck!
J

Thanks Jenny. I will take your advise into consideration. You're probably right about the in laws. It's just that I feel that someone in his family should know about this, someone who can be trusted to keep it a secret. I don't know why, just do.

Selfish is a word that I have often used to describe my husband. You're right about that one! Even though he has changed so much in the past two years, and he tries so hard to please, I guess the problem does come back to his selfishness. He does not want anyone to get in the way of his favorite activities. He is gone an average of 15 days a month to begin with, which leaves little time for family as it is. He does make an effort to be there when I need him, but us usually sick, tired and unenthused. When it comes to his activities, he is more than enthused! I feel that he simply does not have time for us. It would mean so much to me if he would put as much effort into the family as he does his activities.

We were in counseling together, but once again, his work schedule did not allow for many meetings. He did go to a few on his own. So did I. We attended a few together. I felt that Harley's book was more helpful. Probaby should have tried a different counselor.

I will try to stay away from the OW. H makes her sound fairly normal and reasonable. She expects nothing from him but a CS payment. She would like H to visit but is not holding her breath. The kid will be 1 in August.

You want to know the crazy part of all of this? We have one child who will be 4 soon. I am on the other side of 35 and my biological clock is ticking. I don't want my son to be an only child. I want another baby! If I divorce H, chances are that there will be no more kids. That is heart breaking to me! I always wanted at least 2 kids. My in laws are always on me about having more. If they only knew why we haven't! I do entertain the thought of having another child with H. It would not be for the right reasons (to give my son a sibling is not a good reason), but if I don't have another child, I will be very disappointed! What are your thoughts on this?

Thanks again for the advise. Looking forward to more!