It's been months since I've been back, but I find that I need to come back to get consults/consolation/affirmation/advice from those who are walking in these same ugly shoes. Well, my problem is that I find my self love busting in a bad way. It seems that sometimes I do something or say something just to see if my h will say forget this crap and just get the heck out of my life.

The truth is he has changed a lot. He's a reformed man who doesn't go out drinking or partying with the guys. He goes to work and then comes home and spend time with us or with our son. He has to go back to work every now and then because of his line of work. The fact remains that its been a year since we moved from where theow and oc live, the ow wrote 2 short letters and the last of those came over 10 months ago. He has no communication of any sort with ow or oc other than the cs and insurance he pays. Life is going good, and in a month, I'll be working with him as office manager/receptionist.
I guess the hardest thing for me right now is how to let myself trust again. I have found myself going to check to see if he's at work when he is called back. I hate myself for doing it but then talk myself into it by saying what if he's back to deceiving me.

It hasn't helped that his sister has been staying with us since February, and even though she hasn't been horrible, she's sometimes something to reckon with and I'm the one who has to do it all because I'm at home and i would feel bad about not taking her back and forth because of her little baby. I guess with that situation, I'm just ready to have my home to myself with my two men. I do have to say that she should be out at the latest by the end of the month to start school again. With her, its the small things and the immaturity that upset me.

I seem to let these little things get to me and then I unburden my self on my husband, and sometimes I choose the most inopportune times to do this. My h went through one of the worst things that had ever happened to him at work. I tried to be supportive, but it seemed that nothing I said mattered or made a difference. (My husband is a man of few words. He's the type that has to think about everything he says rather than say something in anger.)
The day after this happened I e-mailed him twice telling him that I was ready for us to be by ourselves again-that's the short version. I did acknowledge that I wanted us to have some together time before I went to work for him in August, and it didn't look like I'd get that because of sis. I realized that it was not the right thing to mail him especially because he was upset about the work thing, but I sent it anyway. I don't know why, I just did.

I'm sorry this is LONG winded, I guess I just needed to unload this crap. I have to say that today we talked about my love busting and I decided that I needed to come back to the forum to get help from my comrads and to use this forum to unburden myself when I can't compartamentalize my feelings and thus let my disdain with the oc and ow overwhelm my perspectives on everything. Sorry this doesn't make much sense

ivc

IVC,
Yes, these are ugly shoes. By looking at your number, I see you have been at this game for about as long as I have...unfortunately.
You have a right to vent! You're frustrated and have a right to be. I think it is good that you came here rather than to continue with the LBing.
The road to complete recovery, I feel, can be just as difficult as finding out about the A. I can say now that I have probably failed at this second step.
Question.
Have you sought professional help to deal with all the negative feelings? If not, I would recommend it. It's better to release in a IC session than on your sister or H. It sounds as though things are moving in a very positive direction for you, don't throw it away now, like I have.
My recovery situation was somewhat similar to yours. There was the Trust issue and the remorse issue. I felt as though I could trust her again, but she never expressed any remorse, so it kept me angry at her. This is kind of stuff a good IC can help you with.
You have a lot on your plate right now. Stay with the MB site, and it will help you to not stray from you recovery track, which I know is easy to do.

Good luck to you and hang in there!

Sweden

IVC, It sure has been a long time.

I am happy you came here to ask questions about trust.

If you are like me, you know in your heart your H has changed and thanks God for your chance to stay together.

Every now and again, I have "checked" something too. As soon as I do and know truth is going on, I feel dumb for thinking something was wrong. It's in our own minds because of what happened.

We need time to trust again. I am to a point where I can trust H completely most days but the mind can make you afraid. Afraid that "it" will happen again. In cases where WS makes a complete turn around, BS will learn trust again. Believe me.

H and I still talk about A on occassion. It is usually H that brings it up. It is during our quiet times where he thanks me for forgiving him and tells me his life could have been ruined by his temptations and actions. H tells me all the things emotionally I need to hear everyday. That helps with the trust also.

Counseling can be a valuable thing if you find the right counselor. Then as Sweden said you can lb all over the place and keep you and H from a constant ugly battle.

Nice that you came back.
Prayers and love,
Debi

IVC said:...sometimes I do something or say something just to see if my h will say forget this crap and just get the heck out of my life.

IVC, this is a very passive-aggressive way of showing H your anger. I'm reading a book about anger and it describes 10 anger styles and better ways of dealing with anger. I agree with the others re: counseling. You might also check out some books on anger and forgiveness. If your H is really giving it all he's got, that is all anyone CAN do, and it is your turn to give to the marriage rather than LB, if you know what I mean.

Prayers,
J
in recovery 4 years and happy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />