<small>[ October 19, 2004, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: veteran ]</small>

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<small>[ October 19, 2004, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: veteran ]</small>

I'm really sorry about what you're going through. I think that the MB concepts have the potential to work in saving your marriage even with the added challenge of her confused sexual orientation.
Read about Plan A and Plan B. Treat this as any other affair. Given that she keeps coming back to you, I think she wants things to work, but she is in a fog from the affair. This other woman is meeting her needs in a way that you are not. She needs to end contact with this other person immediately and completely if your marriage is going to get back on track.
Initiate a true Plan A followed by Plan B within a reasonable amount of time. I recommend going to the Infidelity forums for advice on this.
Best of luck,
Smile

<small>[ October 12, 2004, 01:16 PM: Message edited by: SmileADay ]</small>

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<small>[ October 19, 2004, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: veteran ]</small>

Veteran, welcome to the boards and congratulations on the beginning of a long, hard journey that will leave you a better, stronger person. I've been where you are, in a sort of inside-out way. (My partner left me for a man.)

Your wife's affair isn't -- in all likelihood -- about her sexuality. If she can't stand having sex with the other woman, it's not about the sex. It may well be about the emotional connection she craved -- and maybe didn't have with you.

Please do treat this affair as an affair. Is her sexuality a question? Perhaps it is, yes -- and it's important that she know that you're willing to work through ALL the problems in your marriage, no matter what they are.

The point is, though, that your marriage doesn't really have room for a third person just now, and you'd really appreciate it if she would take the steps necessary to return your marriage to the twosome it started out as.

You might want to post over at General Questions II -- there are plenty of people on that forum who can help you, and your situation is neither unique nor all that "special" just because your wife slept with another woman.

I am turning 29 and in a marriage but know that I should not be. Before I got married I knew I was bi-sexual. I always denied to myself that I was attracted to the same sex even though I have been sexual with a guy. I come from a very religious back ground and its always been preached to me that gay is wrong and that you will go to hell. I have had and used to enjoy sex when I first dated my wife. Over the past year my wife has been sick to the point she is almost bed ridden. I feel emotionally bankrupt and find that I am more and more attracted to guys. I feel like such a freak and such a liar to myself and to her. There have been times I have just wanted to die so I wouldnt have to deal with myself. My wife and I have not had sex for almost 6 months primarily due to her sickness. Through all of this I have found a male friend that I want to be with. I feel like leaving my marriage is the ethical thing to do, but with her being so sick I feel responsible to stay to get her through the illness. Im truly not happy being in this marriage and it shows. I just dont know what to do. My wife and I are going to a marriage counselor, but I dont feel comfortable in telling anyone about my feelings toward a guy. What should I do?

Haven't been here for awhile, but I definitely have something to add to this thread.

Veteran and Autumn Leaves, sorry about your situations. I can relate. Married almost 20 years, have kids, found out three years ago husband is bi. Life has been a living hell for a long time, but I think I can shed some light on where you are, hopefully true to the MB principles.

First of all, take care of yourselves. Physically, mentally, spiritually. Veteran, you have to decide whether or not you want to continue in what may be a doomed marriage. I am basically still in the marriage because of the kids. Do you have kids? If you and your wife decide you want to save your marriage, there is a lot of work to be done. She has to rebuild your trust in her, and you have to meet her needs in ways that will show her she need not go elsewhere.

I have to interject here that I personally don't think it's appropriate to view same-sex infidelity as "just another affair." If one's spouse finds fulfillment with someone of the same sex, you, as a spouse of the opposite sex, cannot possibly fulfill those needs. It just isn't possible.

Now for you, Autumn Leaves, your situation is different because you have a spouse with a serious illness. No sexual contact for six months is obviously not something you can deal with, nor should have to, if that is an important need for you. Do not make the mistake of confusing your guilt for cheating on a sick spouse with your feelings for a need for a same-sex partner. These are two very different issues. My opinion on either of those issues doesn't matter, but for your own sake, realize the gravity of your situation.

You can find a lot of help here at MB. Get the books, read, visit the website, post and read again. If I can help, I'll share what I can. I truly feel for you in your sadness, both of you. I'm not a success story, I don't know if I can be at this point, but I certainly understand where you are.

I have a brother who is gay. Knew he was gay in his late teens. Didn't tell me until years after college. I never suspected. I still love him, just the same.
All I can say is ....drop the marriage counseling for now...seek individual counseling from someone good....you have to poop or get off the pot. Why waste your money if you aren't sure you want to save your marriage? We do take a vow...for better or for worse...in sickness and in health.
This is a personal integrity issue for you as to how you uphold you vows. We ALL, straight, gay alike, have temptations in any relationship to stray. It's not about your sexuality....you could be feeling the same towards an opposite sex.
My unasked for advice is to seek individual counseling if being bi bothers you, which it does from your statements...Dr.James Dobson did a study on the roots of homosexuality, and there is a book you can call Focus on the family and get...the roots are in your family of origin...usually a domineering mother, and a distant or absent father. I personally think with some people it is genetic as well, so I don't judge. Only you know you.....
I'm going to hush now.
Hush.