Ok… I tried… and I tried…
But… I LB’d big time yesterday!

H had fixed a ham on Sunday… ruined it… then decided to run it down the garbage disposal! I stopped him on Sunday…but he hid it and waited until Monday when I came to work to do it.

He clogged the whole kitchen sink! Just as I had warned him it would do. THEN… he proceeded to go to the store and bought Drano. And when that didn’t work.. he went and bought Red Devil Lye!

Nothing unclogged the sink… so… he left it sit. When I got home yesterday afternoon, there it was… still standing, stinking in my kitchen! Water and acid all over the floor, cabinets, anything in any proximity to the sink!

Needless to say… I was livid! When he came downstairs, he found me cleaning up what I could of the kitchen. I had asked him earlier to call maintenance so they could fix it… but he didn’t do that… NOW I was mad… so I admit I was yelling… I told him to call maintenance.. but he refused… UUGGHH!!

After much shouting and arguing, that of course wound up leading into yelling about the A… I was in tears… He was telling me how everything was “Stacia’s way or no way, for the past 9 yrs!”… I said, “If everything were my way, we wouldn’t be in this mess now!” of course I was referring to BOTH the kitchen sink and the after effects of the A…

He will not apologize for his behavior… for his mistake with the sink… for ANYTHING he has done… I have to be the one to say, “I’m sorry” and I am getting sick and tired of being the one to “give in.” I know, being the BS, its going to be me that does ALL the work… but sometimes, I get so frustrated with it.

I guess I just needed to vent again… I really think Lil Bit’s birthday getting so close, is beginning to “trigger” much of this hostility in BOTH of us…

Speaking of the birthday… and I know this won’t sit well with some of you…
ExOW called H’s cell phone yesterday afternoon…
and left the message, “How are we going to handle Lil Bit’s birthday? Are we going to have one party or 2?”
What is her problem??? Does she think we want to socialize with her? I don’t want to subject my friends and family to this …. woman…
H has Lil Bit on her Birthday… and she will get her the very next morning… Can’t she just have her “party” for her the next day? We have been trying to plan a birthday party for Lil Bit for weeks… AND we had actually waited to see if exOW was going to say anything…
But now that it is 5 days away… isn’t that SHORT notice???

Sorry all.. I am just so frustrated today…

God bless you Stacie Lee. The sink incident alone would have made me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> .

Events like that are EXACTLY why there's a 3 day waiting period to buy a gun!!!!!

I am sorry about your kitchen mishap.. sometimes men think they just know everthing and common sense goes out the window. haha

Funny you should mention b-day parties,
OM and his wife are insisting we do one big party together with both sides of the family , she even wanted to call my mom and invite her personally.. Now keep n mind that yes I was the ow but he is also OM. so very wierd.
Now we work real hard on communicating and working together, but this birthday coming up, I am just not into being around them, but WE are going, she has taken over the whole thing, I wanted to have it in the annex at church, they want it in there back yard.
I said a nice simple dress is fine, she wants a freaking tiara and a 80 dollar dress that will get cake and ice cream on it... OM will cook all the food, ok, fine I will bring the cake, I will buy party favors for the other children. They originaly told me I should just show up they would do everything and I was thinking hellooo she is my daughter as well...
The resoning behnd it for the wife is But husband missed her first birthday he should be given this chance.. my thoughts are.. husband knew of birthday Husband bought her a gift and saw her, and you just dont know about it.. why doesnt he just tell her the truth.
I have a hard time not speaking my mind, however lies he tells her are not my business.

so birthday party together his back yard, yuck.. that is a trigger for me, IT GETS BETTER he wants to have a dedication to god of sorts with daughter and he and I standing up as her parents with out our spouses.. I say NO way not a good idea and i dont want to leave my husband out of anything.
I am trying to keep my cool and have let her buy the dress and she is going to decorate and I will just get the cake and bring my bunch.. husband says thank god he has to work haha
But this is my fault because I agreed with OM that we need to act as a team to parent child and said I would do my best.. so I will go and smile and be as sweet as can be, but I will pray it ends quickly. I wasnt thrilled about them taking over everything, But I am a big girl so I will try and not make too much of a fuss.
Because I agreed to share all holidays so we would not either one have to be with out her on those holidays and I know I will want her for christmas and such, so I smile and keep on sharing..
see I told you my situation was not perfect. sometimes it stinks just like the rest of them.

Now I am done whining sorry stacia.. lol

I would just tell her you feel it best to have two parties and leave it at that.
Do what is best for you.

5 days yes thats short notice.... OM's wife has been bugging me about this party for three months.. haha I keep telling her i have two other parties to plan before hers, I do have other kids, chill we have time haha

I bet you didnt think I would agree with you did you...
good luck with the sink.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ July 09, 2002, 09:25 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

The sink thing would have gotten the same reaction from me.. Men. I don't understand them sometimes. I soppose calling maintenance would be like stopping to ask for directions, or better yet, carrying a map. If only they listeined to us we would not have to fight about the I told you so situations.

I am rooting for you stacia, I know LilBit's birthday will be bittersweet for you. I am hoping that you are so busy planning the details and having so much fun watching her enjoy her special day that YOU and H put together for her, that you forget about all the other stuff that makes you feel angry and sad.

Her problem, is that she is in denial. Let her know that LilBit has 2 families and so she will always have 2 parties.

<small>[ July 09, 2002, 10:03 AM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

Stacia,

I agree with Mo5 and CM! Tell her that you have already planned your own party, she will have Lil'bit the very next morning so quit her pi$$ing and moaning, and stop trying to include herself any further in you and H's lives!

As for the sink, and you ending up blowing up about EVERYTHING, it's very understandable at this point, with Lil'bit's b-day so close. Triggers are the worst thing to deal with once you have forgiven someone of something this painful! It's the devil's way of keeping you from that "forgive and forget" so that you CAN rebuild.

Hopefully, you can get maintenance to get it cleaned up, and, yes, you may have to call yourself. And try to remember that it is also difficult for the WS when these triggers are close at hand. It is a reminder of the pain that we caused those that we vowed our lives to, but broke those vows, and much more. I guess July is a month of triggers for a few here, me included.

I will pray that things smooth out for you and you can enjoy Lil'bit on her b-day! Give her a b-day hug from us!!

Love,

Tigger

stacia
a bright side...

Husband tried to make dinner.. that was a nice thing to do, he needs more practice, but hey he tried.

bright spot number 2

Husband tried to fix his royal mistake and keep his pride in the process his heart was in it.

bright spot number 3

Lil bit loves you and God is smiling on you for being such a beautiful kind person.

Bright spot number 4

You have the right to have peace in your home with out the other woman being there , your family loves you, husband loves you, life is good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The most interesting part of this whole story for me is the ham. It seems symbolic of how this person handles difficult situations.

Thank you all…
The Drama of the Sink is finally over… Maintenance came this morning and fixed it. He even cleaned up the entire sink area!
There were other things in the drain… and it turns out that we are connected to the apartment directly behind us… so; it wasn’t all H’s fault.

KS,
Yeah, the ham is symbolic isn’t it?

Mof5,
Actually you are right... I didn’t expect a response from you… But I am very glad you did respond. These triggers are hard on everyone involved. I can sympathize with you and the W of MM. I understand how both of you feel.
I agree that 2 parties are best… Now I have to convince H of that.
Thanks for the Bright spot list!

CM,
Thanks for the cheering section… I needed it today!

Tigger,
Thanks! H has it in his head that if he “extends the olive branch” of an invite to exOW for the birthday party, he will look like the “good guy.” He is thinking that he will look like the better person.
I don’t think it will be good for us, either way. It’s HIS time… and her birthday just happens to fall in that time. Enough said. Right?

Thanks again, everyone… Mt. Vesuvius is now back in the dormant stage…
(((HUGS))) to all of you!

Well, I'm glad the sink situation worked out. Have you and your hubby made up yet? I hope so. And I know I'm late, but I think yes, 2 parties is the only way to go from now on... Absolutely, 100% without a doubt!

p.s.Although your H didn't apologize, I bet he was sorry. I bet when that sink clogged he wished he could just make it all disappear because he wanted so much to be right. That's why he went out and bought that lye. Can't you just feel his frustration? (The frustration of trying to prove you wrong but unable to?!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It's kinda funny because I remember one time my H was in that same mode and he just finally blurted out, "YOU'RE RIGHT! YOU'RE RIGHT! YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT, SWEETIE!!!" And we both just cracked up laughing. They know when they are wrong. Just hard to admit it. Maybe you could just give him grace and forgive this one big booboo? You were right, the sink stuff had nothing to do with LilBit, it just got too hot in your kitchen that day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BTDT,
You are right… they do know when they are wrong… and they HATE to admit it.
H’s favorite saying is, “I’m never wrong. I thought I was once, but I was only mistaken.”
I hate it when he gets like this. I hate it when I get angry about it. I have let so much just “roll off my back” but there are times that I just feel that I have taken so much… and BOOM! out it comes!

He has, and did the other day in our argument over everything, said, “You’re right, YOU are ALWAYS Right! I am the one that is wrong. I am always wrong! Stacia is PERFECT. She is never WRONG.”
I really hate that one! I have made plenty of mistakes… and I have admitted them. He just drags EVERYTHING up, no matter what it is, and shoves it in my face… trying to justify his anger.

Ya know, *light bulb moment* I guess that is what I am doing. Dragging up whatever it is that I can find, to justify my anger at H.

Duh! Boy, Stacia… why didn’t you think of this before???

WOOHOOO!!! Something new to ponder… and make a NEW PLAN of action!

Thanks BTDT!

Once again… I am inspired by all of you this board!

Marriage--there's always something new to learn! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yes, so much to learn...

Like how to get the trigger lock off and how to disengage the safety....

Just kidding! Most of the time!
EJ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Have a great b-day party for lil bit, I am sure everything will be great.. I envy you having two seperate parties, You have no idea how much I dont feel like doing it together.
But I have no choice this time.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ July 12, 2002, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Stacia,

Is LilBit's party this weekend? I hope that you and your family have a WONDERFUL time celebrating this day together. If her party day is anything like the typical 1st birthday party, you will not have time to think about much of anything, Mom's usually do alot of running!
I am wishing you a happy day filled with wonderful times and fond memories to replace those that still hurt you Stacia, and of course Happy 1st Birthday to your LilBit.

CM

Thank you Mof5 and CM… Yes, the party is TOMORROW!!!

Oh yes... About the party,

At the pick up Wednesday night, Lil Bit was smiling at her Daddy the second she saw him. She was lunging at him and exOW was trying to hold her back.

After handing Lil Bit to H, exOW said, “What are we going to do about her party?”
To which H replied, “Well, I already have a party planned for her on Saturday at my dad’s.”
ExOW- “Well, I have one planned for Saturday too. And I AM going to spend my child first birthday with her!”
H- “Well, its already set up and paid for. We have been planning this for weeks now. Why didn’t you say something before? You have Sunday.”
ExOW- “Her Birthday is Saturday. I am NOT going to celebrate it on Sunday! And I called you last week about this.”
H- “No you didn’t. And if you did, you didn’t leave a message.”
ExOW- “Yes I did. Its on my phone.”
(Um… someone correct me if I’m wrong… but how can a message for HIM be on HER phone?)
H- “Well, we have a party set up for her on Saturday. Next year her birthday is on Sunday… and I am still going to have her birthday party on Saturday next year. If you want to come up there, that is fine. But she is having her party at Dad’s on Saturday.”
ExOW- “UGH!!! Well!!!……….. I am not going to argue about it now.”
And with that… she got in the car and her mother drove away.

So far, we have not heard anything from her. It is now after 6 pm on Friday… and I expect she will call H at work tonight. Or she will attempt to go to his workplace and argue with him there.

Funny, it was so darned important Wednesday night…but it wasn’t important enough to really get it settled.

It amazes me that it took almost 9 months for her to figure out that we would be having Lil Bit on her birthday. We knew the day that the Referee set the Parenting time that we would have her on her birthday. We have planned out several activities around when we would have her.

Some Mother… she is really showing her TRUE colors.

Stacia,

Sure sounds typical from everything I've read in your posts about her.

Do you best to ignore her antics and have a GREAT time tomorrow! I hope you have a big bib for Lilbit when she dives into that cake you are baking! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

CM

<small>[ July 12, 2002, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

Dear SL...Sounds like you have certainly had a week of frustration and a lot of triggers to contend with...yet, as always, you maintain your dignity. All in all you are pretty amazing. In spite of the heartburn over the triggers, you essentially ignore your own discomfort and forge ahead creating a Birthday Party for LilBit. I'm impressed. I'd be hissing and spitting mad, but then, I know my limitations and leave my situation to heaven.

As far as your husband's inability to apologize or acquiesce to your request to call the repairman, this is just my armchair psychology POV...but, I think some men who have self esteem issues just can't bring themselves to apologize for fear it will make them look weak or be an admission of weakness, thus making them look or feel vulnerable. Unfortunately, this is often the same trait that got them into bad situation to begin with....the inability to be open and sensitive with spouse.

This is just a guess, but I was thinking that if there was something you could do to get some psychological tips from a counselor on how to handle a personlity like that and find a way to make him feel that it is safe to be vulnerable around you, he might even turn into one of those sensitive new age guys who like to open up and likes to help out...Hey! He did try to cook a ham! Either his masculinity wasn't threatened by cooking a ham or he was hungry...

You know, I've been sitting here all night, sipping wine and just realized the bottle is empty! Well, with my last sip, here's to you, Stacia...and Happy Birthday Lil Bit...you are such a lucky, lucky little girl to have such a devoted and loving "mother" in Stacia...

Hope the party goes well without incident from your screwy OW...hope she just sucks it up for Lil Bit's sake and stops trying to cause trouble.

Love

Catnip =^^=

Thank you all!

The party went off without a call from exOW… of course, she knows of no way to get in touch with H’s family. None of them are in the phone book… hehehe…

We got some terrific pics of her demolishing the cake… I wimped out and bought a tiny 4” cake at Wally World… and we put her #1 on the top for her to “blow out.”
Of course, Daddy and Mommy, me of course, blew it out together for her…

She got a red wagon from Pa and Nana… and a ball from Grandma (H’s grandmother)… clothes from SS's ex-GF… and toys from Mommy and Daddy… Grandma and Poppa (my parents) are sending her a Savings Bond…
It was a WONDERFUL day. I enjoyed every minute.

I didn’t think about exOW until after the party. Even though, her name was mentioned by my MIL and H… they were discussing the exchange on Wednesday and MIL said, “Well, it’s YOUR time… and she just needs to deal with it.” And even when I thought about her… it was more of a feeling of … too bad, so sad… ya know?

I have to admit, my heart hurts a little tonight.
In less than 12 hrs my baby goes back to the “egg donor”, and I have to wait my turn to see her once again.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> My “baby” turned 1 today… She is growing up, before my eyes. I am so proud of her. She is handling this mess extremely well… I pray that she continues to so.

When we get our film developed, I will let you all know. So that you may go and check out my website. I want to share my joy over my little Angel Princess!

Thank you all, so very much, for your continued encouragement and support!!!

Hugs and much love to all!!!

sl,,,,, i must admit your story about the plugged drain although a major stress in your life had me busting a gut with laughter as your h went from dumb to dumber. it also reminded me about a similar personal experience a few years back with a clogged bathtub. a plumber friend of mine recommended some form of industrial strength drain cleaner and when i used it it sort of erupted back up out of the drain giving of these very toxic fumes. i had to close off the bathroom for about two days with windows open and fans blowing just to air the room out in order to work in there again. man what a mess.
i also have to say that celebrating lil bit's b-day separately is perfectly fine. with my oldest son, he was born on christmas eve, his mother and i would switch off and on from b-day to xmas and each of us would celebate both occassions with him. in a way he was sort of a lucky child as each year he had 2 b-day's and 2 xmas's.
i also can feel for your anquish at having to return lil bit to exom and wait until next week. this was one of the hardest things for me waking monday morning to his empty bed. just keep looking forward to lil bit's return and the week will go by quickly.

Thank you, Pops!

Having a stepson who's birthday is the 21st of Dec, I have dealt with this type of thing as well.
His mother has him until Christmas day. And since he has become older, we rarely see him. He only comes around when he wants something that his mother won't give him. He plays both ends against the middle.
*sigh* I pray he learns his lesson... before its too late.

As for the exOW...
This morning at the exchange, I took Lil Bit out of her car seat, handed her to H, and kissed her good-bye. Then exOW walked up, snatched Lil Bit out of H's arms and shoved her in the car.
She didn't speak at all.

This evening, H checked his email(he rarely does this) and exOW had sent him an email. It had her work number and her cell number in the email and of course, her email address at work.
The thing is, she sent it Thursday. She never mentioned in the email that she wanted him to contact her about anything.
Just, "so you can't say you can't get ahold of me."

H forwarded it to me, and I have access to his email address... so its not like he is hiding anything and that makes me feel much better about this mess. I know he is showing me how much he cares about me, loves me and wants to be with me.


Thanks everyone for listening to the Mt Vesuvius saga... now its time for a new chapter... LOL