Hi!

I was cruising the internet, feeling sorry for myself, thinking that NO ONE, repeat NO ONE has been through my situation and lived to tell the tale. And then I found this board, and I feel, well mixed feelings but mostly a HUGE sigh of relief.

Last year, my H had an affair. The OW got pregnant, gave birth, and the paternity test results have just come back positive. I am filled with emotion, good, bad, indifferent. Since the A, my H and I have been through counseling and much emotional healing. We tend to be doing better a lot of the time, but this new OC (is that the right acronym?) has sent me into a tailspin--all my new healthy behaviors out the window! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Now I am stuck in this legal quagmire with visitation and child support issues. I feel a lot of resentment, both at H and OW, though not at the OC--not his fault. I am worried again for my marriage and my son.

Any words of wisdom? You can bet I will be haunting this board frequently!
Thanks
EJ

I am sorry this has brought you here. But I am glad you know your not alone. I dont have much advice for you but the one thing that I feel is the key to you and your husband making it is communication and presenting a untited front.

Decide things together and work on policy of joint agreement.

which means if one of you doesnt agree you do nothing till you can resolve that issue.

There are many here who can explain it better and will.

Your anger and feelings towards your husband and this woman are normal and expected.
It will take time to adjust to them.

Visitation and child support, many ways to do that, just make sure you protect your selves and get a good lawyer.. and DO what is best for you.

Your son will be fine, suprisingly with love and support from both parents children do quite well with many situations, many better than adults.
god bless

EJmom2B,

I hate to have to welcome new people here, but you have come to the right place for support, advice, a place to vent your anger, and many shoulders to cry on! The first thing I recommend is to read up on all the information the Harley's have provided on this site! There are many amazing tips, and if used correctly, their principles can work miracles! Come here often, and post whenever you need to! And, you do have the correct acronym of OC for "other child". I'm pretty sure that other's will be along to welcome you too. And, if she remains true to form, Bintheredunthat will also provide a link to some info that is very helpful to newbies on our site.

Again, welcome to MB.

Tigger

EJmom2B: When I found this site, it was a godsend to me. There are a lot of caring people here and they will help you through this.

You are dealing with such a difficult situation. It is hard enough to know your H had an affair and now you have to deal with an OC.

My stbxh left me in Feb. 2002 for the OW. He moved into one of our houses with her and her two children. In April, he kicked her out. I had hoped at that time he would come back to me. A few weeks later she told him she was pregnant and was going to sue him for paternity, so he took her back. He never tried to reconcile with me during any of this time. At this point, I do not even know if she is still pregnant or if she ever was or if the baby is his. Unfortunately, if she is pregnant and the OC was my stbxh's, I would not be strong enough to deal with the OW and OC for the rest of my life. I give you a lot of credit for wanting to save your marriage and work things out.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. You've got a tough road ahead of you and I hope you and your H can work things out.

Thanks for the support, it is so great to read other people's stories!!!

As for the policy of joint agreement, we work on it all the time, though I have to wonder if my H gives in to me because he doesn't want to lose me. I can be very strong willed, and I worry that he is just going along with me out of desire to protect the marriage. At this point, I still have a lot of trust issues to work out, and I always doubt in the back of my mind that he is telling me everything.

I think I'll put the policy of radical honesty on the fridge!

I have that problem too, though. I spent four years emotionally distancing myself from him, knowing that he was cheating (at this point I know he's had 2 major emotional affairs, and was often emotionally abusive to me). I am so used to keeping most of my feelings inside that I avoid telling him things now out of habit. Anyone else have this experience? I outright lied to him the other day for no good reason--like I said, old behaviors die hard...

I think I'm just experiencing D-Day all over again, and I have to get through the wave of feelings before I can get back on track. Ack, and I thought we had made so much progress <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
EJ

EJ,
Welcome to the board! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm sorry for your pain. It sounds like you and H are doing well... the first year is especially emotionally rollar-coaster-ish. But the fact you made great progress doesn't mean it is erased now!! It's a setback, but you can feel better eventually.

Fingers, sorry to hear of your situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

More later,
J
in recovery 4 years and happy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

EJ,
don't have a lot of time to post tonight, but I too wanted to welcome you. There are a great group of women who have been right in your shoes, including me. (although I just got a Get Out Of Jail Card with negative DNA)

But I lived though the the entire spectrum of emotions dealing with OC issues. 1.5 years to be exact.

I will post more about myself. Meanwhile, tell us about what your H express his desires to be regarding vistation. And how do you feel about it.

Fingers, welcome....I havent' seen you post before. Very sorry to hear of your situation and end of marriage. I hope you are healing yourself and working on starting over with a fresh new spirit! Best of luck.

Z.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Hi, welcome, and here's a really good place for you to start (Notable Posts on Just Found Out):

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000554

zebrababy: I started out posting on the infidelity board and lately I have been posting on the divorcing board, and, of course, I could be posting on the pregnancy board. I guess I am one of those "lucky" ones that could post anywhere due to my stbxh's lack of self-control!

Thanks for all the support, and Fingers, thanks for your honesty--it means sooooooo much to see others surviving this dreadful situation!

As for visitation, we had originally asked for weekend visits, but the OW got some Conciliation Court guidelines (and how I hate that she has the upper hand. I know that is immature and irrelevant, but I still feel it) that state that at his age the OC should only do three visits a week for a few hours. We agreed to that. My H is as confused about this as I am, but we are in agreement that the best thing for our family and the child are the important things. Figuring what those things are is the hard part!

She has also stated that she does not want me around the baby for fear that I would hurt him, and made a police report on me regarding a threat to the baby that I never made. She is still playing games and trying to manipulate. I don't think she has a legal right to control whether I see the baby or not, but we will take it to court if we have to.

I am just so full of resentment that I have to be a part of this process at all, but I know I choose to be with my H so I choose to be a part of the process. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Frustrated!
EJ

EJmom2B: I really admire you for your strength to put up with all you are going through. Can't believe what the OW is putting you through especially after everything she has done to you.

You sound like a wonderful person. Your husband is very lucky to have you. The OW will just have to get used to you being around. Unfortunately, the OW may very well have the upper hand for the next 18 years. My stbxh had two kids from a previous marriage and we were always dealing with visitation, child support etc. Just be prepared for some tough times and hopefully you and your husband will be able to pull through.

EJ,

Your situation sounds much like mine. If you want to hear the whole story, read "Suffering Silently." Do you and your H have kids together? My H's OC will be turning 1 this August. Our son will be 4. It was 1 year ago this month that I found out about the A. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster the whole time. I am still not sure if our marriage will pull through. I have ready Dr. Harley's book "Surviving the Affair" which led me to this web site. The book was great, but it looks like you can find much of the same advise here too.

In my situation the OC is across the country and H gave up all paternal rights. He's just a CS payment. I guess that is easier than visitation etc. It's also easier to keep a secret that way too.

All I can say is that we're with you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by EJmom2B:
<strong>

As for the policy of joint agreement, we work on it all the time, though I have to wonder if my H gives in to me because he doesn't want to lose me. I can be very strong willed, and I worry that he is just going along with me out of desire to protect the marriage.
EJ</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EJm

That's OK! It is called "acting as if". It is a trick (for lack of a better word) counselors use in alcohol/drug treatment where if you "act as if", eventually it will become a reality.

At this point, whatever his motivation, as long as he is working the principles with you, recovery is building momentum to success.

I really, really hate telling any newcomer "welcome" to our sad little group, but if there is anywhere in the world you should be right now, it is here. We are a very small and unique group of people with a very unique situation. Affairs are devastating enough to deal with but an OC certainly compounds our issues, problems and heartache.

Here you will find the tools to use to strengthen your marriage, insight on your spouse/marriage from others just like you who are going through the exact same feelings and issues, who will offer advice, suggestions and friendship.

You will find it is not the end of the world despite some really negative feelings you may have and find hope that you can and will recover from this, too.

There is a lot of recovery going on here that is pretty impressive. I don't mean to toot our horn here because there is recovery on all the boards on this site, but somehow it seems that our success rate is pretty high, probably due to the fact that our spouses are shocked back into reality and out of the fog pretty quickly when they find out their affair has produced an OC. Kind of like aversion therapy. It is so horrendous in scope and magnitude, that they 'usually' are very receptive to doing whatever it takes to rebuild the marriage and preserve what is left of the things that are truly important to them. I think when there is no OC, the Wayward Spouses often continue their affairs and linger in the fog much longer because there have been no consequences or repercussions to face. Something as blatant as the announcement of an OC really snaps them back into the here and now, taking whatever perceived glamour out of their affair.

Regardless, when the prodigal spouse returns to the marriage ready to recommit, whatever their motivation, be it fear, love, realizations or a combination of them all, the important thing is to begin the recovery together incorporating a Policy of Joint Agreement, adhering to the Rules of Honesty and Protection and giving the marriage number one priority above any and all other persons and outside issues, including OC.

Good luck and I'm glad you found this place for healing.

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ July 14, 2002, 06:29 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>