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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 6
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Hi everyone. I'm new to this site, been reading a few days and have found a lot of wonderful things here.
I've finally gotten up the courage to post my story here and ask for opinions.
My fiance are Christians and we have been together a little over 2 years. We are living together, have taken wedding vows before witnesses and God, and the only reason that we arent legally married is because my ex (whom I married at 16 and I'm now 41) drug his feet on our divorce. My divorce will finally be final in about a month. My fiance has been married 2 times. His 1st marriage was long term (20 yrs) and he has 2 adult children from that marriage. His 2nd marriage was a HUGE mistake from the get go and lasted only 2 years. In both marriages he was into pornography (though he kept trying to quit)~ not pictures, but the fantasy stories~ and near the end of both relationships, he cheated and than they cheated on him. I only found out that he cheated on his ex's , about 6 months into our relationship (after I was already in love with him). I also found out that the lady he had an affair with , during his 2nd marriage, is a lady from his workplace. It is a large factoy and they both used to work 11pm-7am shift (he now works another shift), but they work in different departments. This lady and him started out as just friends, but, it eventually became more. My fiance claims his relationship with her was over before we even started dating and this lady is now engaged and living with another man. I have had insecurities since finding out about this lady. It took me almost a year to find out the whole truth about thier relationship and to me this is a red flag. There have been approx. 4 times since my fiance and I have been together that he had to show loyalty to either me or this woman. The first thing that happened was, about 6? months into the relationship, I was at his place (I was basically living there by then) and he was out with co-workers (they go out occassionally after work) and a lady called for him. I said hello and she said she must have the wrong # and she hung up. Well, he was very late geting home and I was concerned about him and so I *69 this woman back and asked her if she was calling for my fiance (at the time he was bf). She said yes and asked who I was (which suprised me cause he told me he had told his co-workers about me). I told her I was his gf and I asked her if she was one of his co-workers that he went out with that morning and told her I was concerned because he wasnt home yet. She was totally suprised he had a gf and made up a lame story about why she called (it was obvious she was making it up). About a week later my bf came home from work and said he heard I called this woman and he said that she said If i ever called her place again that she would , in her words, kick my [censored]. I was shocked and was even more shocked when he said "and if you do, I hope she does". That made me realize then that this must be the woman he had an affair with during his 2nd mariage. Once, about she saw me (I didnt know she saw me) and she told him I looked like a ***** and He didnt defend me,says he just walked away from her. After finding out for sure that she was the lady he had an affair with, I told him I didnt feel right about him continuing any kind of relationship with this woman. He told me that he then told her at work that he could no longer talk with her and she complained and told him it was ridiculous that I felt uncomfortable about them having "just a friendship". Anyway, 2 more times , it has appeared to me that he put this ladies feelings above my own, which tells me that, at least in his heart, it is not over with her...and I hate feeling like Im 2nd. She knows I know they had an affair, but this lady wanted to keep a friendship with my fiance and she does not want her fiance to know that her and my fiance had an affair.That really galls me..its ok for me to know, but not for her fiance to know. Anyway, now my fiance claims that he will never even say hello to her in passing, but he is angry with me about it and thinks Im acting childish...but, with the history (both in his marriages and in this relatiionship)with this woman, I dont think so. Now, my fiance who claims he is a Christian, had been not following God for a long time (since his 20's and he is in his 50's now). Since being with me, he has improved and seems to really be seeking Gods will for his life (up and down, but I have seen progress). He claims he has not been this close to God since his early 20's and that this he has been delivered of the porn problem...stating that this is the 1st time in his life (since he has been with me) that he has been porn free. We have broken up and gotten back together about 4 or 5 times since the beginning of our relationship. Anyway, we considered ourselves married in Gods eyes (he SAYS he agrees), but from the way he sometimes treats me I wonder if he just says that to continue the sex in our relationship. Anyway, another thing has happened to make me feel like 2nd to this woman , again, but he says I am wrong and that I am 1st. I told him that since my divorce will be final in a month, if I really am 1st, and he believes he is married to me in Gods eyes, that he will have no problem making it legal as soon as possible. I have now told him no more sex until we are legally married, because I feel he wont really legally marry me. He claims he has problems with me , because of dumb things I have done (not cheated or put anyone else 1st) due to my insecurity. He claims my insecurity is all in my head, not due to his actions and he refuses to see how this insecurity has driven me crazy and led to some dumb things Ive done and said. He is using these things Ive done to justify his hesitation in legally marrying me when my divorce is final. Fine, but I told him no more sex until we are legally married (which he thinks is wrong) because it is just making me feel used and more insecure (and I told him why and that I am not trying to punish him, only protect myself). Anyone have any opinions on this? I'm not a great writer and hope this letter isnt confusing, but I'm kinda feeling a bit crazy right now.

Joined: Oct 2004
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PS- He has apologized before for seemingly putting this woman 1st (and not defending me), but, this latest incident shows me he must not have really meant it.

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Welcome to the MB forum. Sorry you are here under these circumstances. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

And you don't sound "crazy" at all, just a little stressed which is totally understandable!

I don't usually post on this board (usually over on the Emotional Needs board)but your post caught my eye.

I am also a Christian so what I am about to say will come from a Biblical perspective ok?

First of all I do not judge you at all. I "hear" in your post a very sincere woman that wants to have a right relationship with God, AND with her "husband".

The problem is Angela that you have given your heart too quickly and to a man that you truly do not trust.

I get the sense that now that you are inlove with him and you have lived together, that you feel there is no way out and you are stuck.

I know what I am about to say is going to be really hard to hear ....but I couldn't in good faith not say this.

There are SO many red flags here hon with this man that you would be FOOLISH to even consider marrying him at this point!

You say you are "married in the eyes of God", but truthfully hon you cannot "will" yourself to be married, anymore than you can "will" yourself to be divorced.

This tells me a little about you in that you tend to go on feelings rather than fact a bit.

I wonder if that way of living hasn't gotten you in trouble?

You say that you love this man and yet it doesn't sound like he treats you very well and that he's a very good pick for a lifelong mate.

Are you sure you are not inlove with what you WISHED he was and the relationship could be? Rather than what he and the relationship REALLY is?

If you can really answer those questions for yourself I think you will be able to come to some very sound conclusions about this all very quickly.

It sounds to me like you have been in denial about a lot of things concerning your relationship with him, and they are blinding you to the obvious.

Marrying him will NOT make this all go away, in fact it will just complicate things.

My suggestion to you and I KNOW this is tough to hear, is that you not only refuse to have sex with him, but that you two separate until and IF, the relationship problems can be sorted out.

I believe if you are to get this relationship back on solid footings and on a firm Biblical foundation, it will take a complete separation.

IF he is not willing to do that, there is also a HUGE red flag for you to see.

I would deal with my divorce first. Then I would get myself and him into individual counseling and eventually couple's counseling and then and only THEN would I proceed with the marriage.

To me this is the only sensible thing to do given your circumstances.

It will give you that emotional distance to be able to sort yourself out as well as put a healthy boundary between you and your bf.

I realize that because you two live together already it will most likely be difficult to separate because of all sorts of practical reasons, most probably being money issues, but in the end I believe you will be SO glad you did it this way.

Keep posting and consider reposting this on another board that gets more traffic.

May I suggest the Emotional Needs Board AND the Prayer Needs Board.(PB doesn't get much traffic either but mostly Christians will respond there)

You will not get all Biblical responses on the EN board but there are very good people on that board that I think might echo what I have said here.

Keep posting and I am truly sorry you are going through this.

Blessings,
Dzz

<small>[ October 28, 2004, 01:14 PM: Message edited by: Diamonzzz ]</small>

Joined: Oct 2004
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Thank you for responding Dzz...I am giving much thought to and praying about what you have said. Also, I will post on other board as you suggested. GBU and ty again


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