Hello everyone, I was hoping someone could help me with a struggle I have been having. My H has 2 OC from a 4 year A and right no there is no contact with OW except through me because of OC. My struggle is this my head tells me that these children are in no way at fault for the way they came into this world and they and my H should have eveery right to know eachother, but my heart can't take the constant reminder. We are in a seperate state right now but OW is planning on moving to same area so OC can have H close and in their life. I know that H wants contact but has agreed to limited for my benefit. I sometimes feel guilty for making him choose but then at other times I feel that he should have thought about the consequences before and put any of us in this situation. How do I get my heart and my head to agree? What steps can I take so I don't feel destroyed everytime he talks to OC on the phone. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

You know, I have often wondered the same thing--"how do I get my head and my heart to agree". Even if logic (and compassion) tell me that I should not stand in the way of my H having a relationship with a child who by no fault of his own came out of the A, my heart is constantly rebelling.

I vacillate between wanting to be a good person and a good (stepmom--what the heck am I, anyway?) to this child, and wanting to chuck it all and live by myself. I keep telling myself that it would be easier for me to quit, and the easy thing is hardly ever the good thing to do. It is usually a way to escape the pain.

Another thing that helps, sometimes, is to remember that negative, painful feelings are a part of the healing process for ME and have nothing to do with my H or his OC. That's where I fall a lot, and wind up blaming him for my pain. Truthfully, it is my responsibility to heal myself. Which is why I am now haunting this board--for support, mostly.

Good luck, and remember you are not alone!
EJ

Thank you EJ it does help to know I am not alone. My worst fear is that the two will never agree and I will forever be in pain. I know its up to me and believe my I am trying but it has been a road I wish I didn't have to take. I keep hoping H says that he is fine with no contact but know that is not the case in his heart. I told him that it is his choice but he knows how much i hurt. I am afraid he will resent me in the end and sometimes I feel it would be best if I left so then he won't feel torn between his children. I guess only time will tell. Thanks again EJ

Dear always,

You said in your post:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What steps can I take so I don't feel destroyed everytime he talks to OC on the phone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are acting in such an admirable way by allowing your H to make the choice. But you are trying to save your marriage and the MarriageBuilders principles show us that the best way to do that is to be honest. Be honest with yourself and with your H.

You said "your heart can't take the constant reminder". I don't know how long ago you found out about the OCs but this is an extremely common reaction. For some it lasts a lifetime, but others work through their grief and are able to open their arms and their hearts to the OCs.

We have a few women on this board who have two OCs. One BS is raising them with her H. I hope that they will come along to share their experiences with you.

I would encourage you to read the MarriageBuilders principles on this website. Also, read as many books as you can about relationships and forgiveness. They will help you focus your thoughts on what you really want as an individual -- what your needs are in this situation.

Then, perhaps the best thing you can do is to openly share with your H how you truly feel. If you need more time to work through the issues in your marriage, you should take that time. It is very magnanimous of you to want the best for your H, but that will only work if you also want the best for yourself.

My H and I tried visitation when the OC was first born, but the ex-OW made things very difficult. She wanted my H to visit without me and did not want me around her child. At first my H stopped visitation. Then I found out several years later that he had been sneaking to see the OC without telling me. That became like a second D-day. We were back to square one on trust issues and sharing. And I felt that he was giving the ex-OW everything she wanted while disrespecting our marriage.

I gave him the option then of seeing the OC alone -- without me and without ex-OW. But so many issues came up and the ex-OW made things so difficult that he decided on his own to stop contact. He pays CS and gives additional money for extras but he felt that he was making everyone involved miserable. He decided to concentrate on making his marriage right and he hopes that the ex-OW will find a husband so that the OC will have a full-time father who can be in her life.

There are so many different ways to approach this issue. Contact is possible when both parties are able to deal with it. But it sounds like contact would just tear at your heart at this point.

Give it some thought and talk to your H openly and honestly. Tell him what you really feel and come to a decision that will allow you to heal your marriage first.

Good luck. My prayers are with you.
love,
heavenly