Hi,

I am 18 months past dday and still riding the rollercoaster. There have been times when I thought we were progressing and times like now, when I feel we are not. We have been Married 21 years and my husband had an affair, unbeknown to me for two years. I had suspicions and confronted him and believed him when he denied having an affair.

We have three children d20, s19, s17. S19 discovered the affair and confronted his father, who promised to break it off. He didn't and son followed his father and caught him out several times. I noted tension between father and son and again confronted. It took H three days to finaly admit the truth.

We had a separation of about 6 weeks in which time we did some marriage counselling and then renewed our marriage wovs and continued working on putting our marriage back together. My H is completely committed to this and has had no contact with OW.

My D has accepted our decision and is very supportive and has now been married herself for 12 months. The S's are unsupportive, but continue to live at home with us; the youngest also works in our family business. They will not talk to their father (except at work, although this is extremely minimal) and when talking to me refer to him as "your mate" (when being polite). Their actions are a constant reminder of the A. And even though I have talked to them about this they continue.

I know they feel hurt and betrayed by the affair, so do I (However I'm also feeling hurt and betrayed by them now)

Sometimes the entire situation feels overwhelming. I feel caught in the middle. Trying to save a marriage, trying to retain a relationship with my sons. Does anyone have any suggestions? I don't know how to help them, I'm flat out trying to help myself.

It sounds like they've lost respect for their dad--
and Dad has yet to prove to THEM he is trustworthy
and worthy of their respect--

Dad lied to them--so how can they trust that he will be honest with them about other things? What else has dad lied to us about??

Have they been to counseling as well with their dad?? Maybe do some family counseling--

Has dad talked to them about the affair? And yes, because they knew about it--He should talk to them--has dad apologized to them for lying to them? has dad acknowledged his mistakes and bad choices to them?

Has dad always required honesty from them even when he was lying to them?? And does he expect it from them now??

Has dad shown them grace in the past when they have made mistakes?

Maybe this would be a great time for dad to work on his relationship with his sons--stand up and take responsibility for his choices and how it effected everyone around him--this would require him to be completely humble before his sons by being totally open and honest--

You didn't create the problem, so you can't fix it--dad will have too--encourage him to do so--

Yes you are right on all counts. The boys have lost trust and respect for their father. And yes their father has tried to talk to them about the affair and admit that he did the wrong thing by all of us and appologise to them for doing so. He has tried this on many occasions, even when he appears to be banging his head up against a brick wall.

I have to say that I think dad is (and has been over the past 18m)trying to take responsibility for his actions and being open and honest. And there has now been movement to the point that the boys will actually be in the same room as their father, but that is about all. The three kids had some counselling in the initial aftermath but the boys refused to talk and have not continued.

I feel like I am being pushed to make a choice about whether I want a relationship with my husband or my boys. I want both - but I don't know how. I know nothing will ever be the same as it was, but how do you come out of this mess with a family intact. Somehow they haven't just lost respect for their dad, but they've lost it for me too! And I don't know how to get it back.

Debbb,

Continue to talk to them--be there for them and accept them for who they are--

Kids grow up with the view that adults and especially their parents--are like gods--they don't make mistakes like this--THEY KNOW BETTER!!

They don't like having the negative image of their parents--it rocks their foundation--but give your kids time--as they will come to realize their dad isn't God--he's just a man--and he makes mistakes just like they do and will--

In some ways it brings your kids to the realization that their parents aren't perfect--
and it bursts their bubble of safety and security--and shows them reality--and most kids aren't ready for that--even at 19 and 20, they haven't experienced enough of life to see it--

and the fact that the 19 year old found out about the affair--this has got to be even more difficult for him to handle--not only did dad have an affair---but HE LIED TO ME!! How do I know what to trust anymore?? What about what he said about drugs, was he lying to me about the dangers there too??

You could help him out with that one--by talking to him about how his dad lied to you as well when you confronted him--but that because you love him
and you can also see things you did wrong in the relationship--and knowing your not perfect--and want to be forgiven and given a second chance-
you want to do the same for your husband--

You may also bring up something they did in the past and got in trouble for--and how even though they made a wrong choice--you still loved them--


Say something like--

"Do you remember when you did _______, I was hurt and angry that you made that choice, but I didn't stop loving you or talking to you because you made that choice. I understand your having a hard time with forgiving your dad because your hurt and feel betrayed--but you really do need to try,
he's human--he made a mistake we all make mistakes sometimes--and we all want to be forgiven those mistakes--