Hi girls

I hope some of you can give me some advise tonight. It has been almost 4 months since dday and I really don't feel any better about H A. OC is due in 3 months and no telling how long after that will we find out if it is his. I can't seem to watch TV because it never fails that someone is having an A or fooling around. I can't believe how much my life has changed since this he brouhgt this crapp into our lives. I told H I don't think I can get over this or forgive him. He says that God will fix us. I told him that God didn't break us...I still can't sleep all night and think about them all day long.He has changed some since he was saved and attending church but still has some of the old stuff ie. defence, attitude etc...So do I just cut and run? Do I stay until we find out about paternity? Will it matter? Help if anyone can

destroyed,
Are you in any kind of counseling? Have you read any recovery books and taken any of the recommended actions? Have you read the principles and done the 2 questionaires from this site together? What are the two of you doing to work on recovery??

This kind of thing doesn't just magically resolve over time. It's like ignoring the proverbial elephant in the living room, and it GROWS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I don't think the birth of OC is any resolution in itself, just another reality affecting the marriage. In the meantime, the important thing is concentrating on being so great together as a couple that your marriage can withstand it if DNA come back positive!

I'm sorry for your pain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
J
in recovery 4 years and glad I stayed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for the imput. Yes we are seeing a C. Yes we read all the good stuff on Mb. No we haven't done the ???. The problem is no matter what I do it doesn't work. We don't talk about it unless I bring it up. If I don't tell him how ifeel, it is like nothing happened. I feel like if I never would bring it up we would be fine. I can't do that. I don't really think there is any hope. Everything I do back fires.

dbh,

H and I used a book called "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring, which we felt was pretty fair to both hurt spouse and wandering spouse points of view.

Would your H be willing to read that or one of the recovery books? He needs to understand that until you get to work through your grief, and BOTH(!!!!) of you work through what was wrong with the marriage that "allowed" an affair to happen, then your marriage will never truly heal and will always be vulnerable to another A... maybe even you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , who will keep feeling the lovebuster of the A on your mind.

Also, I HIGHLY recommend the MB questioniares. They are not @A per se, they are about your RELATIONSHIP! Unmet needs lead to affairs, and divorce, and all that unhappy stuff.

I hope this is of some small help. Prayers,
J

<small>[ July 11, 2002, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

A little something that helps me when I think I should be over it all ready (I am always beating myself up for feeling angry and resentful)...

Remember that the damage started long before the A, and concentrate on how long the marriage was going bad.

For me, it was four years of bad, one and a half years of REALLY BAD. So, how long will it take to heal? If it was 18 months of REALLY BAD, it will take 18 months of REALLY GOOD to make up for it, and four years of bad needs at least four years of good to make up and heal.

I told my H last night that it is like I was in a car accident--30 second accident that takes 5 years of physical therapy to recover from. Old hurts and resentments keep resurfacing.

Healing is a process, and that is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes. Sometimes revenge and pure hatred is the only thing that keeps me going. Hope that doesn't make me too evil <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

EJ

EJMom,

What an awesome parrallel and analogy!

I love it. Very insightful and practical.

Z.