I've been wanting to write them for a long time, but I know I can never send it, so I'll write it here...

Dear In-Laws:

I understood when you didn't support me during the four years that your son had emotional affairs with other women. He was your son, and you supported him.

I understood that, when I finally kicked him out for the last affair, that you didn't call to console me, or make sure I was ok. He was your son, and you supported him.

But now I do not understand. You choose to make the OW a part of your life. You called her when you found out she was pregnant. You took her to dinner and spent time with her while your son and I struggled to move on in our marriage without your support. You were her birth coach while your son was unsure he wanted to be any part of her child. You welcomed her into your home to babysit your children. You badmouthed me, calling me a B.... for being rude to her on the phone after your son (and your brother, sis in law) repetedly asked her NOT to call our home. You continually badgered your son to be a part of the child's life despite his express wishes not to discuss his business with you.

I know in my heart the reason you accept her over me is that she is sick, and I am well. You understand her because her psycho logic is the same as yours. But sadly, I am still hurt and betrayed, not to mention angry about your behavior. I have been a part of the W family for five years. But now I have been erased, and replaced by your son's mistress.

In pain,
EJ

EJ,

I am not too familiar with your situation, I'll try to read your past posts to familiarize myself...

Sadly, *welcome* is a hard thing to say for this kind of board...I know you will find help, hope, healing and humor at times on this particular board/forum.

I kind of identify with you in the in-law department...my MIL actually told me, "we considered being a part of OC's life, but felt that it would hurt her and us in the long run...." I'm glad she felt that way without discussing it with Mr."T" (HER son!!!) or me!!!

I have come to the conclusion that I or Mr."T" cannot control what his family thinks...all that matters is what Mr."T" and I think, as we are the ones that live this day to day.

Have you talked to your H about this letter you wrote? Does he agree with you? Is he afraid to stand up to his family? Are you two in counseling?

I'm praying for you and sending you hugs today...this is really a hard thing to go through, but you can make it...many others have and many have emerged stronger from stuff like this.

Hugs to you,
Twiisty

EJ,
I fully understand your pain.

Though, my situation is much different.

I have been married to my H for almost 9 yrs.
His A has produced a beautiful little girl that will turn 1 tomorrow.

My ILs have not had much to do with me in all these years. They did not call me to say welcome to the family or anything close to something of a “Family” mindset. Even during the miscarriages that I had, they were unfeeling towards me.

My H has a son from his first marriage, he will be 18 in Dec, and he and I have always been close. I have loved this boy as my own… and I still was not “welcomed” by H’s father or stepmother.(H’s mother passed away in ’90.)
But, now that I have taken on this role of stepmother to Lil Bit, I have been welcomed with OPEN ARMS.
My MIL acts as if H and I just got married. She calls to check on me. She emails regularly. She has gone so far as to purchase a used washer and dryer for us.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that, I understand the feelings of being betrayed and hurt. I may not have known these people when we first married, but they turned their backs on me from the beginning. I was unwelcome. And I was hurt by their actions.

They may never know how much they have hurt me.
But, I forgive them. It’s the only way I can keep from becoming bitter about them. And my life and my marriage are too important to me to be bitter for the rest of either of them!

Prayers for you and (HUGS) to you EJ. Keep your chin up!

wow what a letter...
I have been wanting to tell my inlaws something for years, finally after 18 years my husband did it for me for the very first time in his life he told his mother exactly what he thought...

thank god they live in another state.

Dear EJ,

I know exactly how you feel. My in-laws and I were never close, but things really blew up after the OC.

The ex-OW ingratiated herself with my H's sister and his family was seeing her socially throughout the time she and my H were involved in the A. My H had come out of the fog and was winding down the affair when the ex-OW got pregnant. Even though my H wanted nothing to do with the ex-OW at that point, his family embraced her even more. After all, they rationalized, the child was still "their family".

The put the OC's picture on the fireplace with the other grandchildren. They invited the ex-OW and OC for family occasions. The result was that my H and I stopped all contact with his family. Oddly when we made it clear that we were not going to be a part of this drama, my in-laws lost interest in the ex-OW and the OC. Her photo was removed from the fireplace, they stopped inviting them for dinners, and eventually stopped all communication.

But it was too late. The residual pain and hurt they had caused lingered. We visit their homes rarely and when we do there is a polite distance between us.

Just try to remember, EJ, that you did not marry them. The only views that are truly important in this matter are yours and your H's. They have their reasons for they do and they will eventually have to answer for their own actions. As Stacia said, just try not to let their actions make you bitter.

I came to pretty much the same conclusion that you did. My H's family is dysfunctional in many ways and the ex-OW fit in much better than I ever did. I believe that her situation made them feel they had the upper hand and that is why they felt good having her around. It was basically an opportunity to talk about someone who was in a worse situation than they were.

Meanwhile, when my H and I had a "model" marriage (that's a definition that needs amending <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) they did not have anything to talk about, so we were sort of boring to have around.

Whatever the problem, I decided that it was definitely theirs and NOT mine. You have so much more to think about and sort out, EJ, try not to get sidetracked by other people's narrow and convoluted views.

love,
heavenly

Thanks all of you for your supportive replys to my letter.

In response to some questions--my H is supportive of me but still in the tough spot of being torn between families. It's funny, I see him going through the struggle I went through when I decided to boot him out last year. He still loves his family and wants to be loved by them, but is beginning to see how devious and twisted they are. I did the same thing with him after the A, and refused to take him back until he changed. Worked for him, but it won't work for his family--they will never change.

Two days ago, my MiL called my H and asked him to come over to "talk". When he got there, the OC was there--he had not met the child before. SABATOGE! So he had to totally handle all his emotions and reactions right there and then, with no option to prepare (or have me involved, of course). I also just discovered that they are pressuring my H to divorce me, as what he did to the OW "wasn't right" and I interfere with the "right thing to do".

I know all of it--they are crazy, they are sick, they can't even know how to be a loving family.

Sometimes I still wish I had a MiL who could teach me to cook her potato salad and be my second mom, though.

BTW--we go back to counseling (again) on Monday. I am getting my own Master's in Counseling right now, and I always jump in to therapy when I get this loony and upset!

EJ

It is startling how disloyal our in-laws can sometimes be...it makes me wonder if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...it makes me wonder if their basic disloyalty hasn't set the stage for our spouse's infidelity.

It's bad enough to endure what we have in our own homes with our own spouses, but to have their families display a sort of betrayal towards us as well is very telling, and compounds the pain.

My MIL is hosting a family reunion this weekend with my husband's ex-wife (they've been divorced since the Stone Age) as the guest of honor, with all my husband's sibs and our nieces and nephews in attendance while we sit here, uninvited, three states away. They have a lot of heartburn over my husband's difficulty maintaining his sobriety, however, he works extremely hard at it and will eventually maybe even get another 18 years. Never mind his ex-wife abandoned the kids when they were 2 and 4 and made no effort to be a part of their lives.

They LOVE her dysfunction and resent my strength. We are the jerks and she is the poor thing that just can't seem to get her life together. I think they would welcome us with open arms if they knew of our troubles...they live for that stuff.

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ July 14, 2002, 12:53 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Catnip wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is startling how disloyal our in-laws can sometimes be...it makes me wonder if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...it makes me wonder if their basic disloyalty hasn't set the stage for our spouse's infidelity. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have wondered about this myself. As I said in my post above, my H's family is dysfunctional. He was not treated very well as a child and turned out to be a very insecure adult who was craving love. That craving often had him "looking for love in all the wrong places" before we married.

When married life got too complicated and difficult for him, and he could not communicate his feelings to me, he turned to an A. When the OC was conceived he immediately became accepted into his family circle. They had something to talk about and give advice about. And, the ex-OW loved to tell them all of her troubles, moan and groan ad nauseum.

By comparison, I never shared my problems with my in-laws or asked them for advice. My H and I made our own decisions about our own life.

So, I have often wondered if the dysfunctional beginning did not contribute to his mindset during and after the A. Definitely, it shaped how he reacted to the OC. He definitely felt that he had to make sure the OC had a decent childhood because he felt so badly about his own.

EJ hang in there and keep focusing on being a couple and saving your marriage. It is so unfortunate that your m-i-l would become an advocate for the OW but that is truly her mental and emotional problem, not yours. Just help your H resist her efforts to manipulate him.

I cannot believe that she would stoop so low as to trick your H into seeing the OC. Sounds like she is even placing the exOW and OC above her OWN child. What a terrible trick to play on your own son.

Praying for your peace of mind,
love,
heavenly

<small>[ July 14, 2002, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: heavenlybody26 ]</small>