My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have 3 children, ages 11, 6,5. We have had many good years but some bad fights and I realize that I have been a taker in our relationship. My wife really never talked to me about things, but as of 2 weeks ago told me she wants to separate. I am a physician and know that I have been working very long hours, but have been making implimentations to my practice to allow me to be at home more. I always have gone to all of my kids games and practices. She said that she feels very cold and has no feelings inside. She wants to just be alone and think about things. She is willing to date and has been very friendly, but withdrawn. She said that she is not sure if she will work things out and does not want to do any councelling. I brought up the question of an affair and feel confident that this is not an issue. She has a lot of resentment about past arguements and me being selfish, even though over the past several months I have been much better. I realize after the reading that I have done that I have not been giving the love deposits that she needs, just the ones that I thought would be best such as financial security etc. I feel hopeless and unsure. She has a christian female friend that she confides in that could be encouraging her to separate. She is not willing to talk about it and just wants "happy talk" right now. What do I do and is there really hope?

Dave

Wow. We probably live in two different worlds with much differnt backgrounds, and with spouses of different needs, etc. But your story is VERY similar to mine right now. I am about 3 1/2 weeks into this hell, and my emotions have drove me crazy, lost weight, lost focus, confused, you name it. I had no idea such a thing could happen to us. From reading most of the various posts and similar situations, it seems that when wives go cold, there are a few kids involved, alot are in our 30's, and husbands are well meaning providers and all. I think we get so caught up in the various aspects of our lives (work, kids, society, bills, personal ventures, etc.) that we end up ignoring each OTHERS needs. I have realized that my wife never met my needs either over the past while, and my "Taker" took over, which probably prompted HER "Taker" to respond. Over time, Withdrawal, which now in honest reflection, I had done to her too, but, my subconscious fundamentals never caused me to go completely cold on her, probably because I replaced my loneliness with hobbies, kids, sports.
She replaced hers with extracirricular things too.
Oh sure, we DID things together, but they were events with other people. Emotionally though, the "walls" or "shells" we built around our true hearts were growing every day, but just too stupid to realize or do anything about it.

After this all happened, and made a ton of mistakes in the past weeks, this "shell" that I had came down dramatically. My soul was bared, every emotion I had was out. I hardly ever cried in my adult life (tough guy you know), but suddenly, I was baring all (mostly by myself). I was so angry with myself. Had I known how to focus on marriage PROPERLY, like I have found out from the tons of reading, etc. that I have done lately, I may have got a shake-up long before things got so cold. As a physician, you probably see a lot of this, where a person who hasn't taken care of themselves properly, all of sudden want to be miraculously cured. They probably think, if only I had done this or that. In some cases they can be cured/healed, but they pay the price for it, and it takes TIME to heal.

Here's what I've learned since my bomb.

1)Backed off (now!), Absolutely NO pleading, begging, or in her face, etc. She is withdrawn, and there is no changing her mind immediately! I found that out the hard way. I'm not ignoring her, but treating her like a nice friend; small talk, manners, smiling, listening but Not giving advice - those sorts of things. She knows I love her with all of my heart, and I let her know that. And I believe that deep, deep, down she loves me too. But I won;t bug her about it.
2)Forgave her.
3)Stopped overanalysing, it drove me nuts. It caused me to make mistakes, especially one BIG one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> (jealousy, expecting the worst, selfishness).
4)Found some great reads (Farley's stuff, Divorce Remedy, Dale Carnegie's resources). Perhaps you can find a marriage "Coach" (I can't afford that sort of thing right now, but it may help you).
5)I know I cannot change her. So, I got by myself, pen and paper, and did some soul searching, and jotted down the pro/cons of myself (Farley's advice is a BIG help). Now, VERY important here, seriously decided on a plan to change my-SELF.
She sees me as same-old same-old. If I flip flop my behaviours, actions, physical self, personaltiy, a little bit at a time, she may find me interesting/attractive; but staying backed-off. My mindset is attracting my wife again, like when we first met. I'm not there yet, but if I play my cards right, and bring her out of that withdrawn state, we may work things out. BUT no relationship talk at all. Not for a very very long time! PATIENCE is virute!!!! (Months to years? Hey, whatever it takes!).
6)Got inside HER shoes and wrote down things from her perspective over the years, what she may feels now. Realized that she is simply a human being who also has a heart, soul, brain, & feelings too. The other night, during a peaceful moment, I happened to observe my wife in a different light; I didn't take her SO seriously, and just observed her, as a delicate, beautiful, and alive fellow human being, who I am lucky enough to have shared over 15 years with. This peaceful beauty really hit home.
7)Eliminated TOTALLY all Love Busters right now. It takes time to overhaul self, but you MUST. (Find a little cue that you can use to remind yourself and count to 10 or whatever before you act or say anything to her). Of course you must speak, but speak like a friend, small-talk (kids, events, etc.).
8)Agree totally. Gave the "Power" to her, even if it hurts me. This may all seem like an act, but any resistance to her will hurt my cause.
Making sensible choices though, there ARE other factors at stake (kids, finances, health, etc.)
9)We are all probably pretty good husbands and fathers, and we're only trying to care for our families, but I realize now that over time, it wasn't my deeds or intentions that smoked out my marriage but rather my BEHAVIOURS to situations. Examples: I was selfish about a lot of things, I put my hobbies, sports, etc ahead of home, I was snapping at kids and wife (cuz I knew it all you know), "I" tried to solve all of the problems myself thinking I was giving wife a break (THIS was stupid), I began to be very pessimistic at home and around friends, family, and co-workers, I handled issues on my own that should have been discussed together, you name it!!!

10)THE most important thing I have done, so far, is to find Inner-Peace. I called myself a christian, but that was so superficial. I was always more worried about what other people saw and was influenced by fellow men and society, that I was actually dead inside (very little soul). Inner-Peace is the key. Repent!! I never really understood before, since my soul was so locked up, but after all of this happened, and my soul was bared, I "got" it. It came to me. It was so cleansing. Nothing anyone has said or done to me lately can influence how I truly feel now. Of course, my ego will still try to get in the way, but with my open heart and inner-peace, I feel enlightened and know I can go on - things have made sense! Never in my grown life have I felt so free.

I still absolutely love my wife, have never hurt her, and of course don't want to lose her. Find some time in a relaxing place and you decide, within your soul what you TRULY want. I was so scared and all, so worried about US, that I forgot about ME. After my so-called epiphany, that "shell" came down, and my soul really thought about what was important. I believe we're all so brain-washed and stressed that we our priorities are stupid sometimes, and we take too much for granted.

I know there will still be feelings and hardships to come, but with a peaceful attitude, and my change of heart, things don't bother me as much anymore. I am sleeping through the night, my appetite is back, I feel good about myself, I'm hugging my kids, speaking to others has drastically improved, my other "sick" urges and selfishness has declined, and there is true love coming from my heart. Not that I turned into Ned Flander (Simpsons), but personally, my peace with myself rules now. My peace with my wife will come, no matter what.

Flabber,

What a difference a couple of days makes! Your earlier post was so down, so sad. Now you reach out to help another suffering soul, and what a depth of understanding and compassion in you. Wonderful!

trhldave,

I'm sorry your going through this--but I do see some postives here--

--I realize that I have been a taker in our relationship.

TR--now that you see this--what are you doing acknowledge this to your wife and apologize for putting her last and change about yourself?


--My wife really never talked to me about things, but as of 2 weeks ago told me she wants to separate.

TR---She "never" really talked to you about these things--or because you were only looking at how you would benefit--you didn't HEAR what she was saying??

--I am a physician and know that I have been working very long hours, but have been making implimentations to my practice to allow me to be at home more.

TR--This is a good thing--(have you considered taking the Crown Financial Ministry course?) I think it would help your business as well--it can help you learn to prioritize your time and money so that you can have it all--a wonderful family life and enjoy your work too--

-- She is willing to date and has been very friendly, but withdrawn.

TR--Okay I see this as a POSTIVE--She would like to spend time with you--dating does not equate to dating other people--but spending time together
reconnecting--getting to know each other again--
Take advantage of this--however, don't expect things to change over night--think back to what it was like dating your wife years ago--how much time did you spend with HER--all that undivided attention without all the pressures of kids and work?? So even if it means you locate a babysitter some time--make time to spend with your wife alone--having fun and talking--getting to know each other again--

--She said that she is not sure if she will work things out and does not want to do any councelling.

TR--And I understand this--her response to working things out will be dependant on how much effort you put into spending time with her--as opposed to work--and other activities--in other words--your priorities need to be re-evaluated here--whats more important to you--your wife and family or your career? You really can balance the two out--even if it means cutting back to a lower
standard of living--

Money doesn't buy love--nor does it buy true happiness--and I think your wife believes the money is more important to you than she is--would you agree with that assement?? just because you may not think money is more important to you--is it possible SHE feels it is--based on your actions of the past??

This is about her perception of your marriage and why she's not happy--and her perception counts in making this marriage work--

--I feel hopeless and unsure.

TR--Understandable--your world is crumbling around you and you've lost control--and not sure what to do or where to turn--

-- She has a christian female friend that she confides in that could be encouraging her to separate.

TR--I doubt her friend is trying to convince her to seperate--especially if she's a Christian friend--however, she may be talking to her about tough love and making a stand as to being a priority in your life--so that she doesn't get involved with someone else--

--She is not willing to talk about it and just wants "happy talk" right now. What do I do and is there really hope?


TR--Of course she doesn't want to talk about it--
she's tried that and you haven't 'heard' what she's said--she wants you to be able to look within yourself and see what the problem is--and what YOU want to do--to make those changes--

She can't change you--however, she has stopped reacting the way she has in the past--and now the ball is in your court--your being called to take the lead in the marriage--and which direction it's going to go--

And there is hope only if you step up to the plate and put her first in your life--instead of work--

<small>[ November 09, 2004, 12:33 PM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

Hi Belle

You're right! After I messed up and you stated not to give up, I went through another emotional round. I had hardly any food or sleep, and was running on raw emotions when I DID mess up. I apologized to her, talked calmly to her, and told the truth, whether she liked things or not. I believed her, and told her she was free (cuz I knew she was getting annoyed with me, but hey, I was a mess). I also realized that she has personal problems much like I have. I simply gave her encouragement and loving affirmation, and left it at that. She knows my olive branch is still extended.

She left for a while, I grabbed a beer, turned the stereo on loud, and told the kids, "I'm back". Polished off a couple more beer, and basically told myself, "Look, you need to change, whether she's here or not . A complete overhaul (cautious and patiently though). I'm still reletively young with two kids who love me and are close. I still love her to death, a true love, but, hey, my person DOES truly come first, and if she finds it attractive (again), then my heart is still open." If I did lose her, I'm on my own, whatever. I have no control on the outside, just the inside. No more "mindgames", jealousy, etc. She blew open my doors, and enough's enough. Dam straight. The "old" pre-marriage me was back.

That night, I finally slept, ate breakfast, and somewhere along the line, since my heart was wide open, I cried to myself later, and desperately wanted repentance, not necessarily from anything in my marriage, but from everything that I had become in my life. As the day went on, and reading a book on Inner Peace, things happened!From there on, things have been steadily going strong. Even went to church for the first time in 25 years!

Week later---huge gains with wife! Long story(s), but I've just been me, a genuine, loving, God filled me, what a feeling. AND, she has come around to, a bit reluctant, but there are many encouraging signs! I was wearing some new jeans (no thanks to 18 lbs lost), and while she was on the phone, she belted out "those look good on you". I was surprised, but just nodded <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> She called me a couple of pet names here and there. She's telling me lots of stuff about her day, friends, jokes, etc. She even wore her wedding ring yesterday, but I pretended not to notice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (but it felt so good!). I'm going on full steam ahead and I'm not backsliding or whatever you want to call it, cuz I ""get it"" now. I am truly excited about my future. It's all hard to explain, but "I've seen the light! And she knows I'll always be there if needed, no matter what.
Really working hard on eliminating the "Love Busters" too. When something has come up, I stop, and say "what would Jesus do". Really, it works. Pause, think, and then yap if I have to. Otherwise, silence and a smile.

I know it's going to be a journey, but if she DOES come back (intimacy), I'll be prepared to truly be that intimate/hot husband that I was meant to be. And a heck of a lot smarter!!

BTW, that post to Dave really helped too, it was true.